Kids, but no emotions

[snoopygal]

I posted here last week about my long term relationship ending and having 2 little kids. Quick run down: We were fighting almost daily and it was getting explosive in public and in front of our kids (3.5 years old and almost 3 months old). He's still getting his living situation figured out, so he's been over to spend time with the kids and to help me out. Our baby is colicky and a really difficult baby. I do need and appreciate his involvement. Ideally, he would have them with him on "his time" but the kids can't stay where he is currently because he's staying with someone who is a heavy inside smoker. He moved out, I wanted to go to counceling and work it out, he didn't.

Anyway, when he comes over, I have a hard time. He decided to end the relationship and I didn't want to. When kids are involved, it's not as easy as no contact to move on. When he is here, he acts almost as if nothing happened. He acts 100% the way it was before the breakup. I told him this is difficult for me, and he said he understands, but that it's going to be weird for a while. I get that, and I know it will. We're tied together in some way for life because of the kids. I know it'll take time and be weird for a while. He also said that he's been checked out for a really long time, and that he has zero emotions toward me. (looking back, I see he was checked out. It's been a long year with pregnancy and a new baby).  He was here today and was mentioning that WE should take the kids to do "A" "B" and "C" together. These are things that are local family things, like a downtown trick or treating event that we've been to before. Like, he wants to come over, we get ready and go as a family. There are a few events that he's mentioned WE should do with the kids. All go out together and have a good time. He dropped the bomb on me today, that he's been checked out. How in the world do I handle future meetings? I'm still a fool for him, and want to make this work. He's apparently been checked out since our baby was conceived. 

 

I feel like I'm stuck. I have a duty to respect myself and show a good model for my girls. He's a good dad. A terrible partner I suppose, but a great dad. How do I move on here?n How do I change things?

[snoopygal]

Please, any opinions welcome

 

[Lambert]

45 minutes ago, snoopygal said:

How do I move on here?n How do I change things

I'm so sorry you're going through this and he made the decision to not try. It's obviously very hurtful 😢 

For now, you just have to put on the act.  Be fake and on your best behavior in front of the kids and be cold and professional with him only discuss the kids. Shut yourself off to him.  

I'm sorry.  but you are just going to have to be really strong and pretend you don't care.  Keep telling yourself you don't care.  

[snoopygal]

10 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this and he made the decision to not try. It's obviously very hurtful 😢 

For now, you just have to put on the act.  Be fake and on your best behavior in front of the kids and be cold and professional with him only discuss the kids. Shut yourself off to him.  

I'm sorry.  but you are just going to have to be really strong and pretend you don't care.  Keep telling yourself you don't care.  

That's what I was afraid of.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I'm not experienced with this, so I'd probably reach out to local resources to find some support from experts who are trained in this stuff. There may be parenting groups or a family counseling center or clergy or a private counselor--some sources of information on co-parenting under such conditions.

I'd also seek legal advice. That's not the same thing as pursuing a divorce, I'd put that on him. But gathering legal advice on my best protective options and the best steps for each option would allow me to operate on real information instead of on emotions alone.

I'd also pursue some self help books and articles to learn some tools for coping and for ideas on how to best manage my time and my emotional investment.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, snoopygal said:

  How do I change things?

Sorry this is happening. End things as far as the relationship for good. 

Ask friends and family for help with the children. Good co-parenting is fine, but his appearances are confusing you.

It's unclear why a newborn has to go trick or treating "as a family", for example.

These are nonsense ideas. What you really need is friends and family helping you out a lot more.

[Batya33]

I know of parents who co-parent by doing family things together for the sake of the kids.  But that's just general knowledge so act as if I am cutting and pasting what Catfeeder wrote right here.  I have a friend whose now ex husband cheated on her.  They had two little kids.  I believe they divorced, then got back together without remarrying, then he cheated again (not really sure when second kid came along and yes cheated with same woman) -now they live as a family and I believe are romantically involved but still divorced.  All sorts of arrangements go on.  I see their family photos on facebook - and I know the "truth" -the photos portray a traditional loving family.  

So for now I'd do what Catfeeder suggested and put the best interests of the child first. And you are right -an infant should not be around cigarette smoke like that EVER.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, snoopygal said:

That's what I was afraid of.

The good news is you're not married so don't need expensive lawyers. All you need to do is petition the courts for child support on behalf of the your children.

It would help to confer with your physician about postpartum issues and help with food, medical care and other needs from social services, WIC programs etc.

As far as childcare, you seem quite overwhelmed. This is why this ad hoc way you are doing things is confusing.

It doesn't matter what type of accommodations he has. There is no visitation order in place so he can't take them back there anyway. If you want him to visit the children in your home that's fine, but decide on an organized schedule.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband and I did things as a family with our son.  Until he came to pick him up one time for his weekend visit and the man I was dating was in my apartment.  After that the "as a family" events ended permanently.

I'm sorry this is so painful for you.  All I can recommend is you be matter of fact and businesslike in your dealings with him.  Only time will help you move forward.

[Cherylyn]

You move on by grudgingly accepting how it is between you two.  You can't change anything except being positive in a dicey situation.  Accept that he's willing to co-parent and be grateful for it because millions of fathers simply skip town never to be seen nor heard from PERMANENTLY.   Be appreciative that he wants to do the right thing by being an involved father. 

As for doing things together as a family,  do it.  Do local family outings,  trick or treating and various activities for the sake of the children.  Both of you need to provide stability for your children.  This is the time to be very selfless for the sake of the children as long as he is a peaceful person. 

He was honest by telling you that he has checked out of the relationship ever since your baby was conceived.  It's difficult to hear but accept this harsh reality check.  As hard as it is to do,  put yourself aside, think of the children and be a team regarding co-parenting and maintaining a sense of normalcy for them. 

I'm a mother of two sons.  My firstborn was colicky, too.  This too shall pass. 

Regarding your ex,  make the best out of an unfortunate situation.  Your ex cooperates with co-parenting so it's your job to keep the peace with him for both of your sake and the children.