Know the answer but need backbone to do it

[Cherylyn]

Your hopefully soon to be ex-friend sounds like an energy vampire. 

I know what you mean about some people monopolizing conversations.  I know three women like that.  My local mother-in-law (MIL) is a conversation hog so my husband, sons and I deliberately don't see her frequently.  However, my husband seldom sees his mother time permitting.  My MIL's personality isn't always considerate so to me, she's dicey and risky.  I tend to avoid her and keep my safe distance albeit we're on peaceful terms with each other.  Like me, my husband is very busy with his job, weekends are packed with our outings, chores, tasks, errands and rest!  My local friend is very chatty and like my MIL, she never comes up for air.  However, she's a nice person so I'm patient with her and our socializing is infrequent as we're both very busy ladies.  Then there is my local mother.  We're on peaceful terms yet we don't engage in frequent phone call chats nor socialize as often as in the past.  It works.  Everyone stays in their lane.

I wouldn't reply to your friend's message either.  I would completely ignore her and allow this ghosting to drift apart your friendship to the point of fading away quickly.   If she confronts you in the future, say or write this:  "I'm sorry for telling you that we're not compatible.  It's time to go our separate ways and I wish you all the best. Please do not contact me anymore.  Thank you.   Sincerely, Seraphim."  This type of message is gentle yet firm.  Or, you can simply ignore her at every turn and she'll get the message that you're no longer interested in continuing the friendship.  Actions speak louder than words.  No means no which requires no translation nor interpretation.

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Your hopefully soon to be ex-friend sounds like an energy vampire. 

I know what you mean about some people monopolizing conversations.  I know three women like that.  My local mother-in-law (MIL) is a conversation hog so my husband, sons and I deliberately don't see her frequently.  However, my husband seldom sees his mother time permitting.  My MIL's personality isn't always considerate so to me, she's dicey and risky.  I tend to avoid her and keep my safe distance albeit we're on peaceful terms with each other.  Like me, my husband is very busy with his job, weekends are packed with our outings, chores, tasks, errands and rest!  My local friend is very chatty and like my MIL, she never comes up for air.  However, she's a nice person so I'm patient with her and our socializing is infrequent as we're both very busy ladies.  Then there is my local mother.  We're on peaceful terms yet we don't engage in frequent phone call chats nor socialize as often as in the past.  It works.  Everyone stays in their lane.

I wouldn't reply to your friend's message either.  I would completely ignore her and allow this ghosting to drift apart your friendship to the point of fading away quickly.   If she confronts you in the future, say or write this:  "I'm sorry for telling you that we're not compatible.  It's time to go our separate ways and I wish you all the best. Please do not contact me anymore.  Thank you.   Sincerely, Seraphim."  This type of message is gentle yet firm.  Or, you can simply ignore her at every turn and she'll get the message that you're no longer interested in continuing the friendship.  Actions speak louder than words.  No means no which requires no translation nor interpretation.

I agree. We are not close friends and there isn’t a ton invested and it is not like I need the stress. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I agree. We are not close friends and there isn’t a ton invested and it is not like I need the stress. 

I know you're  too kind and polite to say F off even if that's how you feel.

[Seraphim]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I know you're  too kind and polite to say F off even if that's how you feel.

Yes, I don’t want to hurt her unnecessarily but she needs to understand she is not acting properly. 

[Seraphim]

So, I simply said I hope your house sells we are getting better . All I got was , well it was only one showing you know. Yup, it’s Alllllllll about her. Finished . 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

So, I simply said I hope your house sells we are getting better . All I got was , well it was only one showing you know. Yup, it’s Alllllllll about her. Finished . 

Yep, she just checked to learn whether you're still speaking to her.

As soon as you replied she flipped it all back to herself.

I'd give her the slip, and I'm sorry she spoke to you that way.

[catfeeder]

Just to add, I gave up a lifelong friend who had turned into the same woman during Covid.

I didn't leave her because I was angry, I distanced myself because of safety. Drinkers who turn nasty and impulsive are downright dangerous--to the public at large and to everyone around them. They are powder kegs with zero capacity to make reasoned judgments or consider consequences as they discharge their substance-enhanced rage.

I understand that you don't need her drama, but there really is no way to 'manage' where or how her drama spreads. She gave you one example of that, and it was minor.

I know you don't want a confrontation, but you can certainly remain unavailable--and without excuses for being unavailable.

Stay safe.

[Seraphim]

22 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Just to add, I gave up a lifelong friend who had turned into the same woman during Covid.

I didn't leave her because I was angry, I distanced myself because of safety. Drinkers who turn nasty and impulsive are downright dangerous--to the public at large and to everyone around them. They are powder kegs with zero capacity to make reasoned judgments or consider consequences as they discharge their substance-enhanced rage.

I understand that you don't need her drama, but there really is no way to 'manage' where or how her drama spreads. She gave you one example of that, and it was minor.

I know you don't want a confrontation, but you can certainly remain unavailable--and without excuses for being unavailable.

Stay safe.

Absolutely, avoidance seems the best here . She seems ready to explode at every issue however minor. And booze and weed isn’t helping her. Booze makes for nasty people. I forgot that thanks for the reminder. People who drink make me feel intrinsically unsafe . I need to listen to that. 
 

I am sorry you had to lose a life long friend over issues like these. It is not like we went and got sick on purpose. It happens. 

[Seraphim]

Dear Jesus ,she just sent me a message . I don’t want to look at it or she will know I read it. 🫣

[WalterSobcha]

She sounds just like a friend I used to have, and distanced myself with for exactly the same reasons. Toxic, very often drunk and/or high, self-centered, energy vampire, only talking about herself... I don't regret cutting off all contact with her. In fact, I should have done it sooner. You don't need toxic people in your life. Ignore her. 

[Seraphim]

On 12/9/2022 at 6:04 PM, WalterSobcha said:

She sounds just like a friend I used to have, and distanced myself with for exactly the same reasons. Toxic, very often drunk and/or high, self-centered, energy vampire, only talking about herself... I don't regret cutting off all contact with her. In fact, I should have done it sooner. You don't need toxic people in your life. Ignore her. 

Exactly . I read her message. She was babbling about how she never did anything she can think of and why was I ignoring her . 🤦‍♀️🙄

[catfeeder]

28 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Exactly . I read her message. She was babbling about how she never did anything she can think of and why was I ignoring her . 🤦‍♀️🙄

Selective memory. Her problem, not yours.

[Seraphim]

UPDATE: 

 

I get a message from her the other day that she is going to an inpatient programme to deal with her vast issues and she wants me to come and have tea before she goes. Could possibly be total BS. If she does actually make a go of this I would be willing to talk after she has cleaned herself up. 

[bungalo]

I would be very wary of accepting the invitation based on her history. It could be manipulation.  You can still care for people even though you don't necessarily want them to be close friends.  

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, bungalo said:

I would be very wary of accepting the invitation based on her history. It could be manipulation.  You can still care for people even though you don't necessarily want them to be close friends.  

I agree.

I'm always wary of people who pop up suddenly wanting to meet. They almost want to hit me up for some "favor" or another, usually involving money. Or they want me to buy their "flameless candles" or skin care products. 

[Seraphim]

I think she had lost all of her friends through fighting because of being on booze and drugs. Her mom died 5 months ago and all her siblings are no longer talking to her because she fights with them and she wants to divorce her husband and she spends all day and night in bed day after day. Plus they are broke. 
 

I am aware she is probably spoofing me because I am the only one not fighting with her . 

[Lambert]

Hi @Seraphim what a drain!  Been there, posted about it, walked away and feel pretty good about it.  

In your case, I do understand what you mean-- if she went through the program and healed herself, it might be worth it to give it a shot.  But considering she might be full of it, don't fall for it.  

I would not respond at all, or I would say-- maybe we can get together when you get back and then wish her well.  I think that sends the message that you have not given up on her, but she needs to do some work to get you back in her corner.

If she comes back with a snarky response.  I'd ignore her.  But if you feel like you want to be honest, say something like, I have been hurt in the past by some of the things you have done and said.  I don't want to argue with you.  I think treatment is a good idea. That's why I would prefer to wait to discuss when you return, if at that time you want still want to discuss.  

Can't get more honest or direct than that.  I have come to the conclusion that I don't have the energy to argue with people and will choose to just pull away.  If they want to engage about the issue-- then I am going to say my peace. 

Many times when people go through a program they are instructed to reach out to people they have harmed and offer an apology.  If she gets there, then maybe there is some hope.  Otherwise, you know what you are signing up for.  

[boltnrun]

I had a former friend who had done some upsetting things to me reach out after a couple of years. He messaged me "Hello, long time friend". I knew he had basically nothing due to his own actions, but I didn't trust him. So I responded "Haven't heard from you in a long time. Do you need something?" He never replied to that, which confirmed to me he had been hoping I'd give him money or a place to stay for free or something. 

I think @Lambert's suggestion is a good one.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Seraphim said:

...she wants me to come and have tea before she goes.

If you never want to deal with her again, I'd just fail to respond.

If you're inclined to keep your door cracked if she actually does the work, I'd say, "Best wishes with your program. Maybe we can catch up after you get back."

[Seraphim]

@all I think she is one of those emotional vampire people who are usually beyond wounded that you can’t help . It isn’t solved by friendship because it can’t be. I told her I would be happy to talk to her when she finished her programme but I am not there to be an emotional punching bag for her frustration and anger at the world. She wasn’t happy but I did leave the door open for when she is more healed . 

[Seraphim]

Thankfully, this person is moving far away and I won’t have to deal with her anymore . She was still messaging me time to time . 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Thankfully, this person is moving far away and I won’t have to deal with her anymore . She was still messaging me time to time . 

Good to hear. Maybe once she is moved, you can quietly unfriend and block. 

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Good to hear. Maybe once she is moved, you can quietly unfriend and block. 

For sure as she had stated she had done nothing to upset me so she didn’t know why I was so distant .🙄

[Seraphim]

Awwww Jesus just got another message about how I am mean and don’t want to meet with her etc etc . 🙄 I haven’t read but what blipped on the screen because I don’t want to add fuel to her fire . 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Awwww Jesus just got another message about how I am mean and don’t want to meet with her etc etc . 🙄 I haven’t read but what blipped on the screen because I don’t want to add fuel to her fire . 

No need to read or reply 

Maybe have her messages go directly to your spam or junk folder. I have one for texting, Facebook messenger and my email (different folders for each). That way I don't have to see anything I don't want to. 

She's counting on you feeling guilty and sorry for her. It's bait.