feeling hidden

[languatics22]

 

Hello! I'm new to this, but I have been going crazy. I'm 36 and female. I've been in a relationship with a fantastic man (44M) for one year (1) and a few months, whom I love with all my heart. He has three kids, two from a previous marriage and one from a failed engagement. (Ages 14F, 12M, 4M) I have met his two oldest kids but I haven't met my partner's youngest child yet. Early on my partner wanted me to meet all of the kids and when I said I wasn't ready to meet the youngest child as it seemed his ex-fiancee (40F??) seemed like she was going to cause drama (wasn't over my partner yet). We have talked about marriage and we were even expecting (the pregnancy ended in miscarriage). It was at this point I suggested meeting the youngest child. This meeting never materialized and my partner and I spent about a month apart as he was hospitalized and I could not be in contact with him as I had COVID. During this time, I guess his ex thought we broke up. Months later when all was back to normal with both of us health-wise, I was invited to a special school function/ceremony by his oldest child. For some reason, his ex-fiance was upset that I was going to be there asking my partner "Why does she have to be there,". I was taken aback as to why she felt she needed to be there. To me, this all feels strange like she still has so much say in this relationship with him. I understand that she wanted her child to be at its sibling's event but shouldn't that have been my partner's job to pick up his kids so that they could all be together for a special event? Needless to say, months later I still have not met this child. It's getting to the point to when it's my partner's time to co-parent his youngest child, I'm just not invited to events. But I am invited to events with his oldest children, they have slept over at my house and even have gone on family vacations with us. I am getting really frustrated by the whole situation. It is the only thing my partner and I have arguments about. It makes me feel like some secret mistress or something or that my partner is still being controlled by this ex. What would you do? If it weren’t for the miscarriage I would be having a baby and this kid would be its little brother or sister.

[Jaunty]

Doesn't your boyfriend have any type of custody of his children?   When he is with his youngest, does he refuse to bring him around you?  

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but you chosed the guy with "baggage". That in his case means 2 failed marriages(techically second one is engagement but they have a kid) and 3 kids. That means that yes, a lot of it would not depend only on him, but also on his kids, or even ex wives. Its not a good situation to be with, especially because his ex fiance still wants him(and low and behold, its her kid you havent met). You are not "hidden". But I can see how you are feeling maybe "undervalued" as a girlfriend. 

Should he maybe insist more on inserting you there? Sure. But again, not everything is up to him. That is the risk you had run with having somebody like that as a partner. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, languatics22 said:

 for one year. He has three kids, Ages 14F, 12M, 4M) 

Way too much too soon. All this in a year of dating? You're trying way to hard to interfere with his children and his co-parenting arrangements.

Step back from his children. His children are his and their respective mother's responsibility. You're dating him, not his children.

You're not even engaged or living together. Slow down especially stop pretending you're a step mother or this is your family.

These children have mothers and you need to stop using meeting them or spending time with them as a measure of your relationship.

The mother of the 4 y/o is rightfully concerned that this vulnerable tot is being subjected to this poor judgement of you barging in on their co-parenting and the child's life.

Focus on solidifying your relationship first before you pretend you're a stepmother. Step back from his children. And most of all, don't be an unpaid nanny.

[Rose Mosse]

11 hours ago, languatics22 said:

 

Hello! I'm new to this, but I have been going crazy. I'm 36 and female. I've been in a relationship with a fantastic man (44M) for one year (1) and a few months, whom I love with all my heart. He has three kids, two from a previous marriage and one from a failed engagement. (Ages 14F, 12M, 4M) I have met his two oldest kids but I haven't met my partner's youngest child yet. Early on my partner wanted me to meet all of the kids and when I said I wasn't ready to meet the youngest child as it seemed his ex-fiancee (40F??) seemed like she was going to cause drama (wasn't over my partner yet). We have talked about marriage and we were even expecting (the pregnancy ended in miscarriage). It was at this point I suggested meeting the youngest child. This meeting never materialized and my partner and I spent about a month apart as he was hospitalized and I could not be in contact with him as I had COVID. During this time, I guess his ex thought we broke up. Months later when all was back to normal with both of us health-wise, I was invited to a special school function/ceremony by his oldest child. For some reason, his ex-fiance was upset that I was going to be there asking my partner "Why does she have to be there,". I was taken aback as to why she felt she needed to be there. To me, this all feels strange like she still has so much say in this relationship with him. I understand that she wanted her child to be at its sibling's event but shouldn't that have been my partner's job to pick up his kids so that they could all be together for a special event? Needless to say, months later I still have not met this child. It's getting to the point to when it's my partner's time to co-parent his youngest child, I'm just not invited to events. But I am invited to events with his oldest children, they have slept over at my house and even have gone on family vacations with us. I am getting really frustrated by the whole situation. It is the only thing my partner and I have arguments about. It makes me feel like some secret mistress or something or that my partner is still being controlled by this ex. What would you do? If it weren’t for the miscarriage I would be having a baby and this kid would be its little brother or sister.

His relationship with his most recent ex hasn’t completely settled after the break up. That means you are the “other woman”. I’m sorry to tell you that. It’s fine that he’s been married or engaged before and has kids with previous exes. The issue is there is unresolved emotions from previous relationships as well and not enough boundaries or respect for each other moving on. 

Consider being in the shoes of his most recent ex as well for just a second. She too was planning a life with this man, had his child, broke off and is now struggling with the fall out. Did it occur to you that this could be you as well with baby on hip and single mum, wondering how your plans fell apart? Be more cautious and observe a bit more. Their family dynamics are difficult with a lot of changes in a short period. 

It’s only been a year and a few months. If you’re not in any hurry to have kids, leave it alone for now. If you are I don’t suggest dating this man. He needs more time to work out coparenting and boundaries with his ex.

[reinventmyself]

Welcome to dating a parent.  

Although for possibly the wrong reasons, Mom has every right to not want to expose her child to Dad's girlfriend(s).  I get a year is a pretty solid amount of time. But combined with her inability to fully move on, this not uncommon in these situations.  I am not condoning it but it comes with dating a Dad.

3 kids total, it likely won't be cakewalk and you'll probably find yourself in the middle of more drama sooner than later.  Trying to control the situation and arguing with Dad will be futile.  You can certainly share with him how you feel, but the rest is up to him and the mom to manage.

I'm a divorced mom of two.  Had the girlfriend(s) tried to interfere, it just made things worse.   Step back, let them figure it out and you get to decide if you want to  ultimately be a part of it.

[Batya33]

Agree with Rose and Reinvent.  Also I realize I don't have all the info but wow -he has 3 children by two women and you two got pregnant this fast and on top of that without any formal commitment? 

[smackie9]

Put your feelings aside and take a goooooood look at your place in all this. You have know him for a year. That's not long enough to know if this will last a lifetime. If you get married, that's when you should be able to attended events and be a part of this child's life...but for now, you are just someone he's dating...you have no say in what he does when it comes to this child and it's mother. And BTW talk of marriage is just that...it's just talk and should never be taken as a promise. The proof is when the invitations are in the mail. 

[boltnrun]

I know someone who was dating a man who had four children with three different women. Didn't pay child support for any of them. For some reason my friend thought it would be an  excellent idea to procreate with this guy. To no one's surprise, he didn't pay child support for the child she had with him either. So at last count it was five children with four different women.

I'm a bit baffled why this man you're dating wouldn't use condoms. Does he make a lot of money to be able to afford to pay child support to three women?

[SooSad33]

15 hours ago, languatics22 said:

Early on my partner wanted me to meet all of the kids and when I said I wasn't ready to meet the youngest child as it seemed his ex-fiancee (40F??) seemed like she was going to cause drama (wasn't over my partner yet). We have talked about marriage and we were even expecting (the pregnancy ended in miscarriage). It was at this point I suggested meeting the youngest child. This meeting never materialized and my partner and I spent about a month apart as he was hospitalized and I could not be in contact with him as I had COVID. During this time, I guess his ex thought we broke up. Months later when all was back to normal with both of us health-wise, I was invited to a special school function/ceremony by his oldest child. For some reason, his ex-fiance was upset that I was going to be there asking my partner "Why does she have to be there,". I was taken aback as to why she felt she needed to be there.

First off, why would you want to have a kid with such uncertainty?

You want this round 3 of a man with kids fr 2 other woman already... 😕 .

Second, there still seems to be some 'issue's' between you, him & his last ex.

Third, you two have only been involved for just over a year... ( how long had you been dating when you got prego?)

Do you really want to have a kid at this time with him?

How well do you know him and his past relationships? -- He was due to marry this last woman.. why did that and their relationship fail?

I'm wondering WHY he seems so willing to 'marry' all of his partners? 😕 .  Sounds a little like my ex, who was really insecure.  I am glad I never married again.

 

Think harder on this situation.  You still don't really know his last child yet? And he still seems to have some ongoing issue's with his ex... there's bound to be some pressures on HIM... right?

I don't know.. to me, it just sounds like you two are at diff stages in your lives. where maybe YOU are all for it at this time ( to have a kid), but is maybe NOT so good for his end.

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, languatics22 said:

It is the only thing my partner and I have arguments about. It makes me feel like some secret mistress or something or that my partner is still being controlled by this ex.

How does this man respond when you tell him this?

If you're arguing about it, he must be saying something... what does he say?

[Lambert]

I'm sorry about the miscarriage 😔 How have you been coping thru this? Was/is he supportive?

I agree with the others.  You really have to look at this thru the long term lens.  Do you want to deal with this? Seems he owes a lot of himself already to many others, kids, co-parents, and some kind of drama with the most recent ex.  

Do you really want to get in the line? 

No doubt you love him and think he's great, but you could find another equally great guy. One that's got the time and desire to be all in with you.

you deserve better. 

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry I also didn't write above that I am very sorry for your loss.