I like a guy, but we can never be

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, LikeWater said:

Not to mention, there are avenues of generating revenue while being a stay at home whatever.  You could get knowledgeable about stocks and find income off that.  You could start a Youtube channel, learn how to edit and follow what's popular, etc.  A plethora of ways.

Or you can just be the one in charge of home and if both parties are cool with that, then that's all that matters.

It's very rare to actually make money to live off YouTube. You have to make content people like constantly. I'm not sure if stock market trading is good as I've never done it but I also know stock market can crash. You can also have working from home jobs but WORKING is the key word here.

[LikeWater]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

It's very rare to actually make money to live off YouTube. You have to make content people like constantly. I'm not sure if stock market trading is good as I've never done it but I also know stock market can crash. You can also have working from home jobs but WORKING is the key word here.

Those were just two examples easy for people to digest, but there are many ways to work from home.  I don't know if you intended this or not, but both my examples are work.  And taking care of the house is work on top of that.  You could actually consider the person staying at home doing both these things is more than that 50/50 you brought up earlier.

As far as breastfeeding goes, you're talking about a small period of time which also isn't necessary these days.  A baby wants food.  If it comes from the breast or the bottle, it doesn't matter.  Not to the baby, at least.  They'll develop and grow the same either way.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, LikeWater said:

Those were just two examples easy for people to digest, but there are many ways to work from home.  I don't know if you intended this or not, but both my examples are work.  And taking care of the house is work on top of that.  You could actually consider the person staying at home doing both these things is more than that 50/50 you brought up earlier.

As far as breastfeeding goes, you're talking about a small period of time which also isn't necessary these days.  A baby wants food.  If it comes from the breast or the bottle, it doesn't matter.  Not to the baby, at least.  They'll develop and grow the same either way.

Well I agree with your points and even think it's fine to be a house husband if both partners are happy with it. If they both like it, why not? If you are actually married to someone or you're living together and they do all the housework, cook for you when you get home from work, no problem. But if you don't live together and they're stay at home boyfriend/girlfriend, I don't think it's the same. Because you're not in the same house so they're not actually doing the housework for you as well, it's just for them. I have no problem at all with someone working from home but we are talking in the context of actually working and earning some money, not doing nothing.

I also have no judgement towards people who are war veterans or people with disabilities or mental health on a pension. Though still if possible maybe the person could work or volunteer a bit rather than just stay home. I know some people are carers too and they take care of an elderly, disabled or sick loved one. These are all fine examples of people not working. But if someone isn't on a pension or a carer that's because they are not deemed to receive those benefits. In that case if the person just lives home with parents for a number of years and no job or money, that's a different situation.

[LikeWater]

No disagreements there, I believe we are on the same page now.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not trying to push anything on him at all and would never want to do that. I am okay and I have been okay with being his friend. I think I also have these feelings that I can't get rid of. I wish I could. 

I would never ask him out. I think that would make things very awkward and he'd think I am only helping him find jobs because I like him. 

Yes, half of me is helping him because I like him, half is doing it because I am a nice person and he deserves to be happy. 

Well no you don't push away feelings, you choose your reaction just like if you were married and your friend was attracted to your husband and couldn't help it you wouldn't want her to act on it by "helping" him if she had an ulterior motive.  I would stop "helping" him because you're too into him to actually help him out of "niceness".  I'd keep my distance and mind my own business and as Andrina said maybe his feelings for you will inspire him to take a job and start working.  Or get treated for depression and/or stop letting his parents let him live as if he were a teenager.

[smackie9]

Off topic but I think what would help him is if he had a life coach/therapist...obviously he has some anxiety issues which lowers his self confidence...there is a conflict within himself is what stops him from being successful. He needs a person to talk some confidence into him to push him out of his negative thinking. 

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

It's very rare to actually make money to live off YouTube. You have to make content people like constantly. I'm not sure if stock market trading is good as I've never done it but I also know stock market can crash. You can also have working from home jobs but WORKING is the key word here.

You also need money to invest in the stock market. You can't invest if you don't have any cash to buy stocks!

And a YouTuber needs equipment like a camera or an absolute top of the line cell phone ($1000+), a computer or laptop to edit, microphones, and many of them have drones to film B roll and scenery footage. So you have at least a couple thousand dollar up front costs before you even start. And you have to have content that is unique and that people are going to want to see regularly. 

Those are dream jobs. And that's fine, but in the meantime there needs to be a source of income until those dream jobs take off.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Andrina said:

Do you mean to say that for a whole 3 years since you began texting him he hasn't worked?

Exactly my first thought, followed by--these are only the 3 years you know about.

14 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do see this. He's been very picky, lost, and determined to work a career or nothing. 

Nobody starts a new job at 'career success' level. Even new hires above 'entry' level bring some background to those jobs in order to jump over a need to be trained for them.

And, you say, he won't even complete any kind of training.

So? Yeah...guy and his mama are locked in a sick entitlement/enablement thing.

Maybe mama has you pegged as someone she can sell on sharing this burden with her, but you all know that he's never going to step up and do anything. Not even a part time job.

Some slugs are lovely, but they're still slugs. I would NOT take the bait.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Maybe mama has you pegged as someone she can sell on sharing this burden with her, but you all know that he's never going to step up and do anything. Not even a part time job.

Maybe this is true. Mom is getting tired of supporting her perfectly able-bodied son and is hoping to get you to take him off her hands. 

BTW, who has been paying for all this schooling he keeps starting and abandoning? Did he go to college on the GI bill?

[Alex39]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe this is true. Mom is getting tired of supporting her perfectly able-bodied son and is hoping to get you to take him off her hands. 

BTW, who has been paying for all this schooling he keeps starting and abandoning? Did he go to college on the GI bill?

Yes, he got it for free, so no school bills. His parents don't seem to be paying for anything for him. But they put a roof over his head and food in his tummy. 

[Alex39]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Exactly my first thought, followed by--these are only the 3 years you know about.

Nobody starts a new job at 'career success' level. Even new hires above 'entry' level bring some background to those jobs in order to jump over a need to be trained for them.

And, you say, he won't even complete any kind of training.

So? Yeah...guy and his mama are locked in a sick entitlement/enablement thing.

Maybe mama has you pegged as someone she can sell on sharing this burden with her, but you all know that he's never going to step up and do anything. Not even a part time job.

Some slugs are lovely, but they're still slugs. I would NOT take the bait.

It's been 4 years. He had two jobs briefly during that time, for around a year each, but nothing else 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/9/2022 at 1:16 PM, Alex39 said:

I finally met him in-person a few weeks ago. He's everything. He's cute, smart, nice, friendly. He's honestly my dream guy. I like this guy so so so much. I wish we could date. What do I do?

What is it that you want from him? Friendship? Dating? A crush?

Why, exactly, can't you date if he's your "dream guy"? Inviting him for dinner is not a marriage proposal. 

Why not get to know him as a human being rather than judging his situation?

[Alex39]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is it that you want from him? Friendship? Dating? A crush?

Why, exactly, can't you date if he's your "dream guy"? Inviting him for dinner is not a marriage proposal. 

Why not get to know him as a human being rather than judging his situation?

Because he doesn't want to date anyone because of his situation. He's said it to his mom who's said it to me. 

I asked him if he'd like to come over and watch this movie I thought we'd both like. He seemed very interested and mentioned another movie he thinks we'd like too. 

He says he'd like to. He currently has a job lead across the country. They may want him to move in three weeks. I knew about this. He says we can do it if he's still here in three weeks. He says he is trying to get a local job and told me he'd rather stick around here longer and hopes he doesn't have to move, but if it's the only job he can get, he may just move and try it. 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yes, he got it for free, so no school bills. His parents don't seem to be paying for anything for him. But they put a roof over his head and food in his tummy. 

So, how much extra money would you have if you didn't have to pay rent or mortgage and never had to pay for food? I would speculate you'd have at least $1400 US extra in your pocket. I wouldn't classify that as "his parents don't pay for 'anything' for him".

It's really, really hard to go back to paying for those things yourself when you haven't had to. Some people never see the value of shelling out their own money for things they've been getting for free. Especially when they have to get jobs to pay for them.

I dated a guy whose dad paid his rent, provided cars (and car insurance) for him to drive, paid all his utilities and gave him a gas card. His dad also paid him to "work" for him, although he set his own hours and if he didn't feel like showing up he didn't, yet he got his full paycheck. As a result he never understood why I had to work. He wanted me to skip work whenever he wanted to hang out and when I said I couldn't he asked why. I told him I had bills to pay and he scoffed at me. Because HE never had to pay for anything he didn't think anyone else had to either.

Not shockingly, this guy never married. 

Anyway, there's no reason why you can't like this guy and think he's fun and cute. But I wouldn't advise waiting around for him to "change".

[Batya33]

This is all very odd to me. Why doesn’t he want to hang out with you to watch a movie even if he has to move in 3 weeks?  You didn’t ask him out for a proper date and he’s an adult who can watch a movie whether or not he has to move in three weeks.  He’s never told you he’d like to date you if he had a proper job. He’s making excuses IMO.  I’d back off. And don’t ask again even if he doesn’t get the job. 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I asked him if he'd like to come over and watch this movie I thought we'd both like. He seemed very interested and mentioned another movie he thinks we'd like too. 

Ok great!  Confirm your plans and make a specific invitation. See how that goes. He served his country, he's not some lazy slouch playing video games in mom's basement. He is seeking work. He's adjusting to civilian life.

Everyone can use more friends and who knows, maybe you two will hit it off. If not, that's fine too. But if you don't try, you'll never know. Stay away from all the hearsay. His mom said this that and the other.

If you want to talk yourself out if it because of anxiety or he's not successful enough for you, fine. His finances are none of your business anyway.

[Tinydance]

Well I think if you like him, you like his personality and who he is, you should ask him out. I mean, you did say he had a job for 1 - 2 years in the last two years, so I guess he tried. You also said that you haven't been dating or even meeting any other guys so to be fair it's not like right now you have many other options.

Having said that though, if you did already ask him to come over to watch a movie and he was like: "Maybe in three weeks if I'm still here", is he actually interested? I mean, it's just watching a movie and he basically declined. He also didn't have to spend any money and you didn't even say it was a date. I'm not sure if he's interested but I guess because you didn't explicitly say you like him, you just don't know.

[Alex39]

On 8/10/2022 at 3:26 PM, Wiseman2 said:

What is it that you want from him? Friendship? Dating? A crush?

Why, exactly, can't you date if he's your "dream guy"? Inviting him for dinner is not a marriage proposal. 

Why not get to know him as a human being rather than judging his situation?

Because he doesn't want to date anyone because of his situation. He's said it to his mom who's said it to me. 

I asked him if he'd like to come over and watch this movie I thought we'd both like. He seemed very interested and mentioned another movie he thinks we'd like too. 

He says he'd like to. He currently has a job lead across the country. They may want him to move in a month. I knew about this. I suggest we do it if he stays here, he agreed.  He says he is trying to get a local job and told me he'd rather stick around here longer and hopes he doesn't have to move, but if it's the only job he can get, he may just move and try it. 

We chat awkwardly a bit more. Then I don't hear from him in two days. I think that maybe I turned him off with the movie suggestion. But today he messages me in the morning asking how I am, and sending me a video he thinks I'd like. 

I ignored him all day. I was very busy. Then around 8pm, he messages again asking if I'm alright. 

I am still busy. Right after 9 I respond telling him I'm fine, just busy. He says he thought maybe he had offended me. I ask him why he would think that? And I respond to his messages. Waiting to hear back. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I ignored him all day. I was very busy. Then around 8pm, he messages again asking if I'm alright. 

I am still busy. Right after 9 I respond telling him I'm fine, just busy. 

Why be rude? No one is " too busy" too shoot a 5 second text. It's unclear what your point is in "I ignored him".

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

But today he messages me in the morning asking how I am, and sending me a video he thinks I'd like. 

I ignored him all day. I was very busy. Then around 8pm, he messages again asking if I'm alright. 

I am still busy. Right after 9 I respond telling him I'm fine, just busy.

Half a day to respond to him? Girl, dont play those games lol

If he explicitly said how he doesnt want to date, he doesnt want to date. That is your que to move on. You ignoring him to boost interest wont change that. You already have his interest. He just wont date you. Or any girl for that metter. 

[Tinydance]

Well you have actually already invited him over for a movie so he can choose to come over but he chose not to. I don't know if there's really much else you can do. He has your invitation so can't really invite him again coz why keep chasing him? What were your thoughts on my suggestions where to meet other guys? Lol

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I suggest we do it if he stays here, he agreed. 

So it sounds like you changed the invitation to -only if you don't get the job -right? And he agreed.  So both of you are showing your kinda lukewarm interest.  It's confusing to me why it matters -it's just a movie.  Not even in a theater- no tickets.  So who cares if he's leaving town the next week? I think he agreed because it gave him an easy out.  I'm sorry. 

I invited a new acquaintance last week to meet for coffee.  We'd messaged a few times and now we met because she teaches at my son's new school.  Her reply was she likes to get home ASAP to beat the traffic after school --and she's sure we'll see each other on campus. 

So her counteroffer was basically that she doesn't want to commit to making a plan, she didn't offer to see if another time would work or if I'd be willing to travel to where she is (she knows I don't live that far) and that was my signal to respond politely "great -I totally understand! - look forward to seeing you on campus".  Not going to bother pursuing to clarify that she's not "that" into making a plan or getting to know me in person.

[boltnrun]

By chance did you read somewhere that delaying your response "boosts interest"?

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

By chance did you read somewhere that delaying your response "boosts interest"?

Lol.  And even if so that’s for when people are dating. They are not. 

[Alex39]

To clarify, I did not purposely not answer him at all. I normally answer him quickly. This day in particular,  I was excessively busy, was away from my phone, outdoors, and spending time with my family. I found it fascinating that he was worried if I was okay. I never did this on purpose.