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I like a guy, but we can never be


Alex39
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1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

This is not the guy from Facebook. This is my friends son.

He got out of the military and has struggled to find a full time job. He doesn't want to work some dumb part time restaurant gig. He wants a career. He's told his mother he wants a stable career, to move out, then he'd love to date, get married, have kids. He's 35. I talk to him often. He's very smart, eloquent, and kind. 

That sounds lovely, but to sit home not working and allowing his mother to support him doesn't sound very "kind". 

There are plenty of jobs out there. Sorry, but it's difficult to buy that he just can't find anything. Most employers are eager to hire veterans.

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OP if you're smitten by him, but know you're incompatible/it can't work, either:

- don't waste your time and attention on him anymore. Move on to other men/options. Limit contact.

- go camping with him and enjoy his presence. But, do this while keeping your head over your shoulders knowing that you don't and can't take this further (he might not want smthg serious too). So, keep it casual IF you can and then cut it short.

It's really up to what you're comfortable with.

Either way, he's not in a good place to date and you both know this.

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12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He won't date me. He doesn't want to be a mooch. His mom is not at all trying to pawn him off on me. She loves him. She wants him to get a job and move out. That's what he wants to. He's really trying hard to do so. 

I'm sorry Alex. He won't date you because he doesn't have the money and he doesn't want to be accountable to anyone. Doesn't mean you won't be on here wondering how you'll ever be able to convert him out of the FWB situationship you gladly fell into with him.

His poor mother may hold those fantasies about him, but she's failed to launch him, and she hopes you'll adopt that responsibility--because he's not going to do it himself.

You believe the charm of these people without heeding the reality that they don't walk their talk.

He's a lovely liar, and the only thing he's 'trying' is a bunch of words about all his false barriers.

Your best bet for a reasonably happy future with this guy is to tell him you believe in him, so you're walking away while you both think highly of one another. You'd love to treat him to a nice meal to celebrate his new job one day. If he ever finds himself employed, he can let you know. If you're still available then, you'll be happy to meet. Until then, you wish him the best.

The best way to win the respect and attention of someone else is to respect your Self.

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2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yes, this is the camping guy. I was confused about the camping trip,because it costs money to go anywhere. Either we'd drive cross country or fly. Money. We need to eat. Money. We can stay for free. But again, any trip costs some money. So I was surprised he brought it up to me. With no job. 

Probably expects either you or his mom to pay. Putting out feelers to see if you're smitten enough to be willing to finance him.

Sure, he's "eloquent". He needs to be in order to convince you to get out your wallet.

Sorry, but I don't see this guy as boyfriend material. But maybe you like him enough to do whatever, I don't know.

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Probably expects either you or his mom to pay. Putting out feelers to see if you're smitten enough to be willing to finance him.

Sure, he's "eloquent". He needs to be in order to convince you to get out your wallet.

Very good point 💯

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44 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry Alex. He won't date you because he doesn't have the money and he doesn't want to be accountable to anyone. Doesn't mean you won't be on here wondering how you'll ever be able to convert him out of the FWB situationship you gladly fell into with him.

His poor mother may hold those fantasies about him, but she's failed to launch him, and she hopes you'll adopt that responsibility--because he's not going to do it himself.

You believe the charm of these people without heeding the reality that they don't walk their talk.

He's a lovely liar, and the only thing he's 'trying' is a bunch of words about all his false barriers.

Your best bet for a reasonably happy future with this guy is to tell him you believe in him, so you're walking away while you both think highly of one another. You'd love to treat him to a nice meal to celebrate his new job one day. If he ever finds himself employed, he can let you know. If you're still available then, you'll be happy to meet. Until then, you wish him the best.

The best way to win the respect and attention of someone else is to respect your Self.

He's more embarrassed than anything. That he can't even take a girl to dinner or back to his own place. 

He really isn't some lazy mooch off of his parents. He pet sits for some extra cash here and there in between job applications and interviews. 

He's a great guy and they are a very nice family. His mother does appreciate my trying to help him and being his friend. She even said again recently that she still holds out hope that he and I will end up together at some point.

But at other times she tells me she hopes I meet someone good at a wedding or social event. She knows he won't try to date me. He refuses to date anyone in his situation. 

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7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He's a great guy and they are a very nice family. His mother does appreciate my trying to help him and being his friend. She even said again recently that she still holds out hope that he and I will end up together at some point.

But at other times she tells me she hopes I meet someone good at a wedding or social event. She knows he won't try to date me. He refuses to date anyone in his situation. 

I think you need better boundaries with his mom.  Be her friend and your interactions with her son are 100% off limits.  She's acting in a very weird way with you and this is her son.  He is mooching.  He's 35.  My son pet sit when he was 12 and made some pocket money.  They asked him to do it again but we had a planned vacation.  If he wanted to pay his own way he could work at a store or restaurant and do his job applications at night.  

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Probably expects either you or his mom to pay. Putting out feelers to see if you're smitten enough to be willing to finance him.

Sure, he's "eloquent". He needs to be in order to convince you to get out your wallet.

Sorry, but I don't see this guy as boyfriend material. But maybe you like him enough to do whatever, I don't know.

He has never asked me for a penny. Ever. And I don't think he ever would. I even told him that maybe he should focus on getting a job before travels so he has some money. 

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I do agree about working just to work. I'd work at a grocery store if I didn't have anything. I wouldn't care. He's more picky and feels like at 35 he should have a career. And only wants full time, resume boosting work. 

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2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do agree about working just to work. I'd work at a grocery store if I didn't have anything. I wouldn't care. He's more picky and feels like at 35 he should have a career. And only wants full time, resume boosting work. 

Yes -definition of mooching.  He is being picky because Mommy is paying his way. He doesn't have to put part time work or gigs on his resume -he can do a category called "free lance" with a date range.  Employers will love that he showed his work ethic by working to make $ while looking for work.  Much better than a long gap.  I didn't work for 7 years while I was a full time mom.  I explained the gap in my cover letter.  I know for sure that if I'd had even a one year gap where I wasn't a full time mom it would have been much much harder to get an interview -I was in my late 40s at the time.  

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2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do agree about working just to work. I'd work at a grocery store if I didn't have anything. I wouldn't care. He's more picky and feels like at 35 he should have a career. And only wants full time, resume boosting work. 

No. He's less mature. 

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2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do agree about working just to work. I'd work at a grocery store if I didn't have anything. I wouldn't care. He's more picky and feels like at 35 he should have a career. And only wants full time, resume boosting work. 

And he's lucky he has a mom who's willing to indulge and support him while he's being "picky". Most people can't afford to.

What exactly is it he's looking for?

And does he realize that a gap in employment history is very much looked down upon by potential employers? They're going to want to know why he hasn't worked in however long it has been. I've had to explain why I had a six week gap in my employment (I had Covid so that was accepted as a valid reason...not because I was being "picky").

But none of this is your problem, despite his mother's attempts to make it so. And your vehement defense of him shows you're already emotionally involved.

That's why I caution you against becoming physically intimate or even dating him. From what happened with the guy from Facebook it's clear you invest emotionally pretty much right away. 

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48 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He's more embarrassed than anything. That he can't even take a girl to dinner or back to his own place. 

But that's not your problem. And whether he's a mooch or not, it doesn't matter.

As @Batya33suggested, put some boundaries with the mom too. I don't really see the benefits of her telling you about his feelings/wishes for you. He's a grown adult and he can share directly with you his feelings when he wants to. It's not her place to do that.

You should be looking at other men already and putting yourself out there for people on your level Alex. Have your standards and stick to them.

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35 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He's more picky and feels like at 35 he should have a career.

He is not a kid anymore so he is not allowed to be picky. At that age you take what you can. My friend has a college education and drives a forklift. His girlfriend that he lives with, has a very tough earned chemistry degree. She works at bakery because they need money. If something better shows up, then good. You can always search further. If not, you take what you can. 

He is "coddled". That means that his parents spoiled him and allowed him to live as he lives. He lives with them, they pay for his bills, he uses their resources etc. He does that because its convenient for him. Because any other solution would mean he would have to take at least some form of employment. And that is probably too hard and inconvinient for "Soldier Boy".

You mentioned you helped him with job applications. Has he sent anything? Does he puts up the time to even find a steady employment? Goes to job interviews?

Because if the answer to any of those questions is "No", sorry, but he is a full "mooch". And you shouldnt entertain having somebody like that as a partner at all.

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4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You mentioned you helped him with job applications.

I find it ludicrous that a 35 year old man needs "help" filling out job applications.

My son filled out his own FAFSA form when he was 18. And that form is an MF-er.

If this guy won't even fill out job applications by himself I certainly don't see him being motivated to find a job.

I'm trying to imagine him at an interview when the screener asks him about something on the application and he says "I don't know, my mom's friend filled it out for me".

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2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He's more embarrassed than anything. That he can't even take a girl to dinner or back to his own place. 

He really isn't some lazy mooch off of his parents. He pet sits for some extra cash here and there in between job applications and interviews. 

He's a great guy and they are a very nice family. His mother does appreciate my trying to help him and being his friend. She even said again recently that she still holds out hope that he and I will end up together at some point.

But at other times she tells me she hopes I meet someone good at a wedding or social event. She knows he won't try to date me. He refuses to date anyone in his situation. 

Honey, I'm sure he's charming, all moochers are. 

He has you so snowed that I don't expect any of us to convince you to remove the rosy lenses.

And I'm not trying to criticize you, just looking out for you-- but I already know that hormones beat common sense in most cases.

Carry on, but envision yourself as sole breadwinner in your future. There will ALWAYS be a reason why this poor hapless soul will not earn a paycheck for very long, if ever.

And you're already enabling him with your buy into his bunk.

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Always look at how things are in the present, and don't hang your hopes on what a person's potential is. As the old saying goes, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."

He reminds me of those people I've seen, like on Dr. Phil, who say they want to be a famous singer because they have a good voice. Yet they don't put in all the effort successful singers do, by booking events and putting in countless hours at po-dunk festivals and small venues to gain experience and to perfect their craft.

He doesn't have anyone tying him to the area, like children from a previous relationship. If he hasn't gotten a job in 3 years, he should be trying for anywhere in the U.S. who are chomping at the bit to hire someone in his field. And then after several years of secured employment, the world would be his oyster to move to where he really wants to live. And he would at least do volunteer work, if that's possible in his field, to have those hours to add to a resume and for networking.

Instead, he makes up lame excuses so he doesn't have do "menial" work beneath what a mama's boy mooch should be doing. Of course, he and his mama can see you're already being sucked into playing that familiar role of enabler. But you're also already trying to advise him he shouldn't be traveling until he has stable work, and not realizing you're acting like a mother advising an errant child. Yeah, if I didn't know his age, I'd be thinking he was 13 years old with the pet sitting comment, plus Mommy whispering in your ear, "He thinks you're so cute." Gag.

He comes with a warning label. And I wouldn't even entertain him as "friend" material, since those types of friends can really drain the energy from you. You get frustrated for them since they don't have their %^&* together, while you're getting more invested and try to talk sense into them.

Spare yourself. Go to a haunted location with a friend (not him) who will pay for herself. 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I find it ludicrous that a 35 year old man needs "help" filling out job applications.

 

To be fair, it might just be a "ruse" by him or his mom to lure her there to see him. But yes, job application is not that hard to fill. I could see it if he maybe would want to work on writing his CV better. People even seek freelance help for stuff like that lol

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2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

He is not a kid anymore so he is not allowed to be picky. At that age you take what you can. My friend has a college education and drives a forklift. His girlfriend that he lives with, has a very tough earned chemistry degree. She works at bakery because they need money. If something better shows up, then good. You can always search further. If not, you take what you can. 

He is "coddled". That means that his parents spoiled him and allowed him to live as he lives. He lives with them, they pay for his bills, he uses their resources etc. He does that because its convenient for him. Because any other solution would mean he would have to take at least some form of employment. And that is probably too hard and inconvinient for "Soldier Boy".

You mentioned you helped him with job applications. Has he sent anything? Does he puts up the time to even find a steady employment? Goes to job interviews?

Because if the answer to any of those questions is "No", sorry, but he is a full "mooch". And you shouldnt entertain having somebody like that as a partner at all.

No no, I don't fill out applications for him at all. He fills them all out and has filled out hundreds. He's even open to being a secretary/receptionist. They won't even scoop him up for that. If I see a job posting, I'll send him a picture, so he can apply

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I find it ludicrous that a 35 year old man needs "help" filling out job applications.

My son filled out his own FAFSA form when he was 18. And that form is an MF-er.

If this guy won't even fill out job applications by himself I certainly don't see him being motivated to find a job.

I'm trying to imagine him at an interview when the screener asks him about something on the application and he says "I don't know, my mom's friend filled it out for me".

He fills them all out himself and he writes a nice custom cover letter to go with each one. He puts in effort. I don't fill out anything for him. It's all him. If I come across a decent job online or in the paper, I'll send it his way. 

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1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

No no, I don't fill out applications for him at all. He fills them all out and has filled out hundreds. He's even open to being a secretary/receptionist. They won't even scoop him up for that. If I see a job posting, I'll send him a picture, so he can apply

What experience does he have as a "secretary/receptionist"?

Those positions are key. It's not like you can just plunk some inexperienced yahoo into those roles.

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1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Always look at how things are in the present, and don't hang your hopes on what a person's potential is. As the old saying goes, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."

He reminds me of those people I've seen, like on Dr. Phil, who say they want to be a famous singer because they have a good voice. Yet they don't put in all the effort successful singers do, by booking events and putting in countless hours at po-dunk festivals and small venues to gain experience and to perfect their craft.

He doesn't have anyone tying him to the area, like children from a previous relationship. If he hasn't gotten a job in 3 years, he should be trying for anywhere in the U.S. who are chomping at the bit to hire someone in his field. And then after several years of secured employment, the world would be his oyster to move to where he really wants to live. And he would at least do volunteer work, if that's possible in his field, to have those hours to add to a resume and for networking.

Instead, he makes up lame excuses so he doesn't have do "menial" work beneath what a mama's boy mooch should be doing. Of course, he and his mama can see you're already being sucked into playing that familiar role of enabler. But you're also already trying to advise him he shouldn't be traveling until he has stable work, and not realizing you're acting like a mother advising an errant child. Yeah, if I didn't know his age, I'd be thinking he was 13 years old with the pet sitting comment, plus Mommy whispering in your ear, "He thinks you're so cute." Gag.

He comes with a warning label. And I wouldn't even entertain him as "friend" material, since those types of friends can really drain the energy from you. You get frustrated for them since they don't have their %^&* together, while you're getting more invested and try to talk sense into them.

Spare yourself. Go to a haunted location with a friend (not him) who will pay for herself. 

He's open to moving anywhere. He got offered a government job with the military, but they insisted he move cross country in one weekend. He told them he needed a week or two to find an apartment.  So they passed on him.

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1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

He's open to moving anywhere. He got offered a government job with the military, but they insisted he move cross country in one weekend. He told them he needed a week or two to find an apartment.  So they passed on him.

I am sure that's not accurate - either he was late in replying to them or it was a scam job or he is not telling you the truth.  I'm quite familiar with government work and they wouldn't give you that short of a time to relocate.

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Just now, Alex39 said:

He's open to moving anywhere. He got offered a government job with the military, but they insisted he move cross country in one weekend. He told them he needed a week or two to find an apartment.  So they passed on him.

He couldn't have rented an Air BnB or done an efficiency apartment?

I know many people who moved cross country for job opportunities and arrived with only a suitcase. They did a short term rental and had their belongings and furniture shipped out. In fact, I did this. I even left my car (and my cat) behind and went back for them over the following weekend. 

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