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I like a guy, but we can never be


Alex39
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5 Red Flags In Relationships
5 Red Flags In Relationships
3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

One thing I think you need to be careful of though is that it sort of sounds like you're trying to get to him through his Mum. Like, you go to their house and hang out with them and you are being egged on by his Mum in terms of something romantic happening between you two. That's great you have a great friendship with his Mum but you are both adults so I think don't involve the Mum in your interactions with him. I think don't talk to her about her son or that you like him and things like that (not saying you have). This isn't like an arranged marriage situation so it's not for the Mum to set you and him up. He should be interested in you on his own so I think leave the up to him.

It's probably normal that he didn't ask you out in the previous three years because you'd never actually met in person. Now that you have met though and spent quite a bit of time together, plus his Mum is trying to matchmake, he still hasn't asked you out. I'm not sure if this is the case but maybe his Mum said all those things like: "He would ask you out but he can't offer much, you should find other guys" to soften the blow because maybe he's not romantically interested? He can still like you as a friend but maybe no more than that.

Having said that, I don't really know why he's not asking you out. He might also be worried that you're his Mum's good friend and if it doesn't work out, things would become very awkward. But still if he really liked you he probably wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to date you, regardless of anything else.

If you really need closure, you could ask him out and see what he says? 

I think you probably need to expand your opportunities to meet other men as well so that you don't just crush on the only guy you talk to. Do you do any online dating? Also joining Meetup groups, singles groups and doing speed dating are good options. 

I would be careful about people in their 30's who ask for help to look for jobs or apply for jobs. Maybe a one off quick help to look at their resume, but not spending all day getting help. This should be something he needs to do on his own. Unless he just used the job help as an excuse to see you or something like that.

Also yeah that's OK if he was in the military and finished university later in life. But being unemployed for three years is too long in my opinion. Some of that was even pre COVID so there should have been job opportunities. If he's been living with his parents and financially supported by them for three years then that's too long.

I think it's also important to note how he goes about his life, career, etc. I don't think it's necessarily a good attitude to be like: "I want a career job or I won't work at all". Especially as he just got a general university degree, I'm guessing like a liberal arts degree? So if his degree isn't really any particular qualification then he needs to either do a Masters degree in an actual profession or some other community college or short course or something. 

I mean, it's good he wants a career but how will he actually get it? Like, what is his plan? Doesn't seem like he actually has one?

Also this is just an offhand comment but I think you need to be mindful of the double standards you seem to have. I remember you very extensively criticising your friend Pam at work because she's 39 and still lives with her Mum, though she does have a full-time job for a number of years. Yet when it's a cute guy your age doing the same (and worse), you don't care and think he's great.

 

I will correct a bit. His mom is not trying to push us together in the least. When I first met her, she would laugh and say I seemed similar to him. And oh, you might make a good couple. 

Then nothing happened. He and I only started texting so I could help him with jobs. 

She only tells me about the hardships he's faced building a career. She has no idea I like him, only that he and I are somewhat friends. 

I only hangout with her with her and I. I am not at all using her to get to him. I generally enjoy going out with her. I never suggest going to her house to see him or anything. She doesn't try to set us up at all. 

She isn't pushy. I have never told her I like him. It isn't like that at all. 

I met him for the first time weeks ago, only because she invited me over her house and he was there. Shirtless. We chatted all together. 

When I spent the day with him for the job thing, that was my idea, between him and I. He had told his parents that I was coming over. They were elated and kept thanking me for helping him. I helped him, chatted occasionally with his mom, with his dad, with his sibling, then sometimes all of us chatting together. His mom made lunch, we all had a drink, and had a nice time, and I worked with him one on one on the job front. I offered to help him, he wasn't asking or begging me. He took me up on my offer. 

Pam is way different.  It has nothing to do with her being a woman and him being a cute guy. Pam is an enabler and a pushover, but talks the big talk like she's this independent bada**. Pam let's her mom dictate her life. She has money to get a place of her own, but doesn't because her mom wants her to live with her forever. Pam's mom is constantly taking in animals, but it leaves Pam to care for them. They have over 20 birds, 4 cats, two dogs. Pam is always driving her family members around town. She's like a chauffer. Because they don't have drivers licenses. Pam didn't even learn to drive until after 30 years old. Pam wants kids but doesn't ever date or prioritize trying to look better. Pam works very hard. I credit her that. But she's made her life into being a workaholic. How do you date when you work 7am to 7pm? You cant have kids on that schedule. Pam talks like she's going to move out, get a man, and have kids, but if you present her with options to do that she collapses under pressure. Pam has chosen to care for many of her family members, her mother, their animals, her special needs family member. I think that is very kind of her, but it doesn't let her have a life of her own,that she claims she wants. She's so young for that.  Don't get me wrong, I like Pam as a friend. She's a good person. But I also find that she can sometimes act fake. Like I had mentioned, she kisses this guy's mom's behind. I find she's very threatened that his mom and I have so much in common,so she tries to act like she's into what we are into too. But it's fake. Like honestly, just be yourself, I like her better just being her, not trying to be someone that's liked. I think she hates it that I'm very friendly with this family now the mom and son. For example, this guy's mom and I do the same workout program, so we love it. Pam then likes to say "I gotta get into that" like she's on board, but Pam hates it and doesn't like working out. Just say you aren't into it. Pam does this a lot around us. 

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14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's easy to be sweet and nice when you don't have bills to pay because Mom is paying for everything.

If he truly wanted to get a job and move out he would. Despite his claims, he doesn't seem to want anything to change, not based on what you've written about him. Not even for the chance to date you, unfortunately.

You can have a "soft spot" for him but that doesn't mean he'll transform into a viable dating prospect. He probably knows he can get you to "help" him look for jobs (although I'm not sure what's preventing him from figuring out how to use the internet on his own) and whatever else you're doing for him. I'm sure he can see how you feel about him and he's probably not going to give that up.

But I wouldn't count on him making life changes anytime soon. Unless you're not in any kind of hurry to meet a good man, marry and have children.

I agree. I appreciate everyone's advice on here about this. The biggest kicker is thinking,would I be interested if this was some random guy and this was his situation? No I wouldn't. So why am I fawning over him now? I'm being dumb and blinded. 

I do try to put effort into my life, my career, building a better and better life, myself, how I look, and wanting kids and setting myself up for success. He isn't in that space, so we aren't a right fit, as great as I think we get along. Thats not enough. 

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3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I will correct a bit. His mom is not trying to push us together in the least. When I first met her, she would laugh and say I seemed similar to him. And oh, you might make a good couple. 

Then nothing happened. He and I only started texting so I could help him with jobs. 

She only tells me about the hardships he's faced building a career. She has no idea I like him, only that he and I are somewhat friends. 

I only hangout with her with her and I. I am not at all using her to get to him. I generally enjoy going out with her. I never suggest going to her house to see him or anything. She doesn't try to set us up at all. 

She isn't pushy. I have never told her I like him. It isn't like that at all. 

I met him for the first time weeks ago, only because she invited me over her house and he was there. Shirtless. We chatted all together. 

When I spent the day with him for the job thing, that was my idea, between him and I. He had told his parents that I was coming over. They were elated and kept thanking me for helping him. I helped him, chatted occasionally with his mom, with his dad, with his sibling, then sometimes all of us chatting together. His mom made lunch, we all had a drink, and had a nice time, and I worked with him one on one on the job front. I offered to help him, he wasn't asking or begging me. He took me up on my offer. 

Pam is way different.  It has nothing to do with her being a woman and him being a cute guy. Pam is an enabler and a pushover, but talks the big talk like she's this independent bada**. Pam let's her mom dictate her life. She has money to get a place of her own, but doesn't because her mom wants her to live with her forever. Pam's mom is constantly taking in animals, but it leaves Pam to care for them. They have over 20 birds, 4 cats, two dogs. Pam is always driving her family members around town. She's like a chauffer. Because they don't have drivers licenses. Pam didn't even learn to drive until after 30 years old. Pam wants kids but doesn't ever date or prioritize trying to look better. Pam works very hard. I credit her that. But she's made her life into being a workaholic. How do you date when you work 7am to 7pm? You cant have kids on that schedule. Pam talks like she's going to move out, get a man, and have kids, but if you present her with options to do that she collapses under pressure. Pam has chosen to care for many of her family members, her mother, their animals, her special needs family member. I think that is very kind of her, but it doesn't let her have a life of her own,that she claims she wants. She's so young for that.  Don't get me wrong, I like Pam as a friend. She's a good person. But I also find that she can sometimes act fake. Like I had mentioned, she kisses this guy's mom's behind. I find she's very threatened that his mom and I have so much in common,so she tries to act like she's into what we are into too. But it's fake. Like honestly, just be yourself, I like her better just being her, not trying to be someone that's liked. I think she hates it that I'm very friendly with this family now the mom and son. For example, this guy's mom and I do the same workout program, so we love it. Pam then likes to say "I gotta get into that" like she's on board, but Pam hates it and doesn't like working out. Just say you aren't into it. Pam does this a lot around us. 

Well I'm not sure if it might be appropriate for you to ask this guy out? I know you met in person only once or twice but I get the impression you spent quite a bit of time together? Are you still messaging each other? Do you think he has money to go out somewhere? You could say something offhand like: "I'm heading into town to get some food/watch a movie/go to X event, would you maybe like to join me?" You don't even have to say it's a date but if he's even somewhat interested he should hopefully accept the invitation. 

I think just be careful though because I know you said before you have a full-time job, your own apartment, interests and hobbies, keeping fit. You probably wouldn't want a guy who for example doesn't work and just lives with you in your apartment. That's not because you're a woman and he's a guy but he needs to contribute financially just like any person should.

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Hmmm...

EVERYONE is hiring. I walk around town and there are signs in the windows in almost every business and companies are posting job listings like crazy.

He doesn't seem to know what he wants to be when he grows up, except he's already supposed to be grown up. Why did he bother getting a degree if not to help him find good employment? And why does a grown man need someone to "help" him find job listings? Does he not have access to the internet?

I think if a man approached you on a dating site or at a party and presented this situation as his credentials you'd decline to date him. But for some reason because this guy is cute and is nice to you he gets a pass?

If he truly wants his own place and his own life he needs to be proactive about it. I'm sure the military has resources to help former service members transition into civilian life. If he's acting passively and waiting for a perfect job he's going to be living with Mom for a long, long time.

I agree with most of what you're saying, but the 'everyone is hiring' part, it REALLY depends on where you live.

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6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I wonder if people would feel differently if he was female and the OP was male.

 

Dont really think it changes that much. Only exceptions I know are "Stay at home mom" kind of situations. My high school friend has a wife that doesnt work, while he works whole day long to make money. But she is literally a "baby machine", they have 3 kids. Though you can argue that stay at home mom is a job on its own. And that they can afford that because he is a dentist. And even he implored her to finish college(she has a few exams to go to be a doctor) and get a job. You could maybe argue that in dating maybe wouldnt matter if one side works and other dont, but even then, men or women, you would still have to look at the future. And how it looks like if one side doesnt work at all. It doesnt paints a good picture.

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17 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I'm not sure if it might be appropriate for you to ask this guy out? I know you met in person only once or twice but I get the impression you spent quite a bit of time together? Are you still messaging each other? Do you think he has money to go out somewhere? You could say something offhand like: "I'm heading into town to get some food/watch a movie/go to X event, would you maybe like to join me?" You don't even have to say it's a date but if he's even somewhat interested he should hopefully accept the invitation. 

I think just be careful though because I know you said before you have a full-time job, your own apartment, interests and hobbies, keeping fit. You probably wouldn't want a guy who for example doesn't work and just lives with you in your apartment. That's not because you're a woman and he's a guy but he needs to contribute financially just like any person should.

That's apparently what he told his mother. According to her, he said " I just go over and hangout at Alex's house all the time, and I can't really take her out for a nice meal or pay for anything and just mooch at her place, because I live with my parents and have no place to take a girl? That's never what I'd want. I'd want to take her out and treat her and have a nice place to have her come to."

He feels he can't offer anything so doesn't want to date at all. She told me he'd like to get married and have kids, and feels like he's so old and running out of time.  That's why I haven't asked him out and am too afraid too. That it will make him feel terrible. 

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15 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I'm not sure if it might be appropriate for you to ask this guy out? I know you met in person only once or twice but I get the impression you spent quite a bit of time together? Are you still messaging each other? Do you think he has money to go out somewhere? You could say something offhand like: "I'm heading into town to get some food/watch a movie/go to X event, would you maybe like to join me?" You don't even have to say it's a date but if he's even somewhat interested he should hopefully accept the invitation. 

I think just be careful though because I know you said before you have a full-time job, your own apartment, interests and hobbies, keeping fit. You probably wouldn't want a guy who for example doesn't work and just lives with you in your apartment. That's not because you're a woman and he's a guy but he needs to contribute financially just like any person should.

I don't think he'd ever mooch off of me. He has too much pride. 

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1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

That's apparently what he told his mother. According to her, he said " I just go over and hangout at Alex's house all the time, and I can't really take her out for a nice meal or pay for anything and just mooch at her place, because I live with my parents and have no place to take a girl?"

He feels he can't offer anything so doesn't want to date at all. That's why I haven't asked him out and am too afraid too. That it will make him feel terrible. 

OK but if he has no money at all even to go out for a burger or something, how can a person live like that....

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7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Dont really think it changes that much. Only exceptions I know are "Stay at home mom" kind of situations. My high school friend has a wife that doesnt work, while he works whole day long to make money. But she is literally a "baby machine", they have 3 kids. Though you can argue that stay at home mom is a job on its own. And that they can afford that because he is a dentist. And even he implored her to finish college(she has a few exams to go to be a doctor) and get a job. You could maybe argue that in dating maybe wouldnt matter if one side works and other dont, but even then, men or women, you would still have to look at the future. And how it looks like if one side doesnt work at all. It doesnt paints a good picture.

It does matter because there are stay at home dads as well.  My best friend is one.  But stay at home 'take care of the house' can also be a thing and isn't exclusive to women.  Is it shameful for the male to take that role?

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2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

OK but if he has no money at all even to go out for a burger or something, how can a person live like that....

Exactly. He occasionally does dog walking and pet sitting, so he makes a little, but that probably just fills his gas tank. 

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Just now, LikeWater said:

It does matter because there are stay at home dads as well.  My est friend is one.  But stay at home'take care of the house' can also be a thing and isn't exclusive to women.  Is it shameful for the male to take that role?

No it's not shameful at all, it's not a problem. But I think in that situation both the man and woman probably worked and then they mutually came to a decision that the man will be a stay at home Dad. If a person (man or woman) hasn't worked for three years and lived off their parents, don't you think it's a bit concerning in terms of building a future with them? Like, they have no money even to go on a date.

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2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Do you meet other guys as well? I think you should go on dates with others to keep your options open.

Not really. I work with a lot of older people and don't meet guys my age. I've tried online, but found guys just wanted hookups and were full of baggage, lied. Just had bad luck. 

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Just now, Alex39 said:

Not really. I work with a lot of older people and don't meet guys my age. I've tried online, but found guys just wanted hookups and were full of baggage, lied. Just had bad luck. 

Well I've met some guys at Meetup groups and through other social activities and friends. Do you have friends your age? I know you're close to Betsy but she's 60 + years old so I doubt she knows any guys your age except her son. You could start going to events with friends, like someone's party, concert, get together, anything. I mean, even if this guy you like asked you out and had a job, if it didn't work out you'd be back to square one. I think you should expand your social circle.

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2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

No it's not shameful at all, it's not a problem. But I think in that situation both the man and woman probably worked and then they mutually came to a decision that the man will be a stay at home Dad. If a person (man or woman) hasn't worked for three years and lived off their parents, don't you think it's a bit concerning in terms of building a future with them? Like, they have no money even to go on a date.

I think it's concerning in general to be just getting on by at your parents' funds for this long in general.  But I also would ask if he takes care of the home or not.  I moved back in with my parents nearly 2 years ago, but I'm taking care of my dad who has multiple illnesses and also doing almost all the housework.  

I wasn't conditioned to be this way, I spent most of my life doing almost none of the housework in my different homes.  But even at 33 I learned I can help the most this way, in my situation at least.  I feel others could too.

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7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I've met some guys at Meetup groups and through other social activities and friends. Do you have friends your age? I know you're close to Betsy but she's 60 + years old so I doubt she knows any guys your age except her son. You could start going to events with friends, like someone's party, concert, get together, anything. I mean, even if this guy you like asked you out and had a job, if it didn't work out you'd be back to square one. I think you should expand your social circle.

It's hard. All my friends are married, some pregnant,  so they don't really care to go to lots of social events, out at bars, or anything like that, because they are set. I'm the only single one. They don't need to meet people like I do. 

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4 minutes ago, LikeWater said:

I think it's concerning in general to be just getting on by at your parents' funds for this long in general.  But I also would ask if he takes care of the home or not.  I moved back in with my parents nearly 2 years ago, but I'm taking care of my dad who has multiple illnesses and also doing almost all the housework.  

I wasn't conditioned to be this way, I spent most of my life doing almost none of the housework in my different homes.  But even at 33 I learned I can help the most this way, in my situation at least.  I feel others could too.

He does take care of the home. He helps clean, Laundry, outdoor work. 

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1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

He does take care of the home. He helps clean, Laundry, outdoor work. 

I think that matters.  As someone who didn't ever imagine myself in this position, I feel like I do A LOT so my mom can come home from her well-paid job and not have any concerns, about the house or my dad.

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Well if you like this guy why don't you invite him to your apartment to watch a movie and you cook dinner? If he's interested maybe give him a chance and see how it goes. But if you date make it clear you do want a guy with a job. Maybe he's not lazy or anything because he was in the military and got a degree too. Potentially he could have some PTSD or burnout from being in the military. Did he ever serve in any war? 

Here are my suggestions of places to meet guys that I've done:

Meetup

Speed dating

Singles parties

Hobby groups 

Dance class

Friends' events

Friends of Friends (e.g. housemate)

Asking guys out myself 

Asking friends to introduce to guys

Online dating

At Meetup and social groups you can make female friends too and you can go places with them.

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26 minutes ago, LikeWater said:

It does matter because there are stay at home dads as well.  My best friend is one.  But stay at home 'take care of the house' can also be a thing and isn't exclusive to women.  Is it shameful for the male to take that role?

Me: I dont think it matters if its men or women who doesnt work its still looked the same

Random person on the internet: OMG what do you have against stay at home dads!

Ah, never change internet lol

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2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Me: I dont think it matters if its men or women who doesnt work its still looked the same

Random person on the internet: OMG what do you have against stay at home dads!

Ah, never change internet lol

Society DOES view it differently though.  Whether it be a stay at home dad or husband or whatever, funny enough, the woman with this person gets the most crap out of it.  Other dudes don't care, but other women can't fathom why you'd choose some 'useless loser' (yes, that has been said by my friend's wife co-worker) while HE is at home taking care of the kid.

"Why don't you get a babysitter?" is another one while both of them are perfectly happy with their arrangement.

I also never said you had a problem with any of this, just disagreed that it's looked at the same way.  It isn't.  To society and the internet.  

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6 minutes ago, LikeWater said:

Society DOES view it differently though.  Whether it be a stay at home dad or husband or whatever, funny enough, the woman with this person gets the most crap out of it.  Other dudes don't care, but other women can't fathom why you'd choose some 'useless loser' (yes, that has been said by my friend's wife co-worker) while HE is at home taking care of the kid.

"Why don't you get a babysitter?" is another one while both of them are perfectly happy with their arrangement.

I also never said you had a problem with any of this, just disagreed that it's looked at the same way.  It isn't.  To society and the internet.  

I don't care if my male partner stays home with kids but if I'm going to be honest if he wants to stay home then my ideal would be 50/50. We both work part-time or casually and the other half time we take care of the children. From a breastfeeding perspective if it's possible then the woman needs to exclusively breastfeed for six months. So she can't go to work because of that. Coz she'd have to bring the baby lol

However in this case this guy is not a stay at home father because he's not actually a father. And not house husband because he's not a husband.

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9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I don't care if my male partner stays home with kids but if I'm going to be honest if he wants to stay home then my ideal would be 50/50. We both work part-time or casually and the other half time we take care of the children. From a breastfeeding perspective if it's possible then the woman needs to exclusively breastfeed for six months. So she can't go to work because of that. Coz she'd have to bring the baby lol

However in this case this guy is not a stay at home father because he's not actually a father. And not house husband because he's not a husband.

What if your partner was a war veteran, getting a military check, with PTSD and other disorders while taking care of everything at home?  I think my friend has already given his 50% and sure, maybe you just wouldn't want a partner like this, but you also don't know him and don't know how close he and his wife are.

Stay at home bfs can be a thing too.  Stay at home gfs have been a thing since forever.  I get not everyone will want either of these, but I don't think either one is to be looked down upon.  It's the choice of the couple.

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Not to mention, there are avenues of generating revenue while being a stay at home whatever.  You could get knowledgeable about stocks and find income off that.  You could start a Youtube channel, learn how to edit and follow what's popular, etc.  A plethora of ways.

Or you can just be the one in charge of home and if both parties are cool with that, then that's all that matters.

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7 minutes ago, LikeWater said:

What if your partner was a war veteran, getting a military check, with PTSD and other disorders while taking care of everything at home?  I think my friend has already given his 50% and sure, maybe you just wouldn't want a partner like this, but you also don't know him and don't know how close he and his wife are.

Stay at home bfs can be a thing too.  Stay at home gfs have been a thing since forever.  I get not everyone will want either of these, but I don't think either one is to be looked down upon.  It's the choice of the couple.

Sure but I don't want a stay at home bf or gf (I'm bisexual). They can stay home for kids but again as I mentioned about breastfeeding not the first six months after the baby is born. For myself personally I think it's more fair if the parents are about 50/50 home with the children because the parent who always works doesn't get to see them or bond as much. 

We are not talking about this guy though because he doesn't seem to have a war veteran pension as he said he has no money even to go for dinner? So he was in the military but maybe didn't go to war? You can't say he's a stay home husband or Dad. He's just a single childless guy.

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