Girlfriend (37) says she feels disconnected to me (39)

[alertingadf]

A little long...apologies.

I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. We were friends before this and developed an immediate and deep connection. For the first part of our relationship, we were very close and had such a strong connection and relationship. This is likely due to us being friends before and already knowing each other. We travelled, laughed well, and enjoyed so many good times together.

However, recently her job has crazy work hours during certain points of the year. She has to work 100 hours or so a week for a month and half stretch. She said during this time I will hardly see or hear from her since she will be so busy. My girlfriend is also Brazilian. I dont speak Portuguese and felt it could be a fun idea for me to travel to Portugal for 5 weeks and take language/immersion course during this time and work (my job is remote) and learn the language. My thinking, if we wont really see each other anyway, this could be good way to do an immersion course and learn her language. Her parents also dont speak English so I felt this could be a good way to be able to connect with them. Also, my parents are going to be out there for 2 weeks celebrating an anniversary at the same time.

My girlfriend has been married before and was cheated on in the relationship. She told me she has been cheated on in almost every relationship and has large insecurity and abandonment issues because of it.

When her worked picked up, she was right, I barely heard from her. Our contact quickly developed into just text messages occasionally. And there was a growing feeling of disconnect because we hardly saw each other. The only time we would see each other is the gym we go to together. I said maybe we should skip the gym one morning and have breakfast together so we remain connected. She said no because she wants her endorphin rush. This made me feel like I was not a priority.

Right before my trip came up, I learned that a message therapist that I saw at the gym (for therapy) was also going to Spain. My girlfriend learning about this (I told her) said I must have something going on with her. There is not way that both of us would be going at the same time. This seemed really out there to me. I have nor would I ever cheat on her. I love her so much.

I also learned that she spoke with my trainer that she really cares for me but thought I could be cheating on her. I have no idea where this any of this is coming from because I dont even hang out with girls outside of her (ok I play tennis with one other female but thats it)

Flash forward and I asked her if I should go on this trip because I am worried. She said yes I dont want to hold you back from doing that and enjoying your time out there. I wont really be able to see you anyway.

Now that i am out here, things have been getting worse. She tells me that I left her and probably seeing people. She said just text her if I meet someone else so she doenst have to deal with it in person. She then said i dont know why you need to go out to Spain to learn a language when I could have learned it from her. And i was probably seeing the therapist from the gym out there (all of this not even remotely true)

Now I just got a text message that she feels abandoned and wants to end relationship. I have no idea how this fell apart so fast. I am cutting the trip short and rushing back home to see if I can save the relationship. But I feel completely lost here. We were so strong and loved each other and now this all seems falling apart so rapidly. I went out here with best intentions but seems like this has triggered

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

I realize you're in the throes of hard emotions, and reacting to them by rushing back in repair mode, but I really encourage you to take moment to yourself to reflect on all this. From the outside, at least, it seems that she is showing you a lot of reasons to be really, really concerned about whether she is someone to continue with. 

She is freaking out about...what, exactly? Phantoms, unchecked insecurities, deep fears that have nothing to do with you, and yet she is forking them over you left and right in the form of false accusations and character assassinations and inciting a mushroom cloud of drama where there is none. Are you not on some level furious with her right now? 

Because all this quickly becomes a trap. You do nothing and you are emotionally insensitive and she is "abandoned." You go into fix-it, apology mode and you are validating things that don't exist, which she'll take as you "admitting" that you've been up to no good, that you're not to be trusted, which will just further activate her paranoia. You are right now in a position where any engagement will reload the very trigger you're hoping to disarm.

Were I talking to her I would say: it is imperative to get your insecurities in check if you want to explore a sincere connection with another human being. Bummer your husband cheated on you, but that was one man and you can't put that stuff on the shoulders of all men. It is mean and cruel and will turn any relationship into a ticking bomb. 

But here I am talking to you and so will say: don't forget yourself, who you are, and what you know to be true. If she can't see those truths—and, from what you've shared, that seems to be the case—she is not the person for you. You want to be in a relationship with someone who can meet you on that plane, not one where you are lost in the mess of another person's baggage. 

 

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

First of all I dont believe all her boyfriends cheated on her. That seems pretty excessive. What most likely happened is that some of them did. The rest, well, as you can see, jealousy, paranoia, did the rest of the stuff. If you dont work out at the end, she would probably say how you cheated. Even though you didnt.

And that is really not something on you. This is something she needs to work on. With probably therapy. As like this, she is far from perfect partner. And it would actually make your life a living hell. Imagine you just talking to any girl. And be accused of cheating. Or going on trip. And having to cutting it short because she thinks you abandoned her and want to cheat. That are excessive ammounts of jealousy and paranoia that would make your life miserable. And until she resolves that(if she is even willing to do it), you shouldnt be thinking about the future with somebody like that.

[catfeeder]

I would stay exactly where I am and enjoy my trip and my own parent's anniversary. 

You can never disprove a negative, so this kind of paranoia only escalates without professional help...

Which is exactly what I'd tell her. She can either work with a therapist to heal the stuff she's projecting onto me, or she's welcome to move forward to learn how quickly she'll just project it onto the next guy.

If she opts to reach for the help that could salvage our relationship, she can let me know, and I'll support her efforts to give us a chance. Otherwise, I wish only the best for her and hope she might change her mind when I get home.

Done, check. The ball stays in her court, but you've cracked your door open on the chance she might reflect and pull herself together. 

Short of that, if you cater to her meltdown, you'll reward her behavior and neither of you will recover from that.

Stand your ground. Be kind about it, but don't budge--and this is your only shot for both of you to thank your strength later.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont believe all her boyfriends cheated on her. That seems pretty excessive. What most likely happened is that some of them did. The rest, well, as you can see, jealousy, paranoia, did the rest of the stuff.

I was about to say the same. It seems likely that she is overly paranoid and will accuse all men of cheating when it's actually just her imagination. 

But OP, she was already done with your relationship. It was obvious she was checking out and not that into you anymore. Inventing cheating scenarios in her head was a way to blame you, and take no accountability for her own crappy behaviour (her essentially abandoning the relationship) 

There is nothing you can (or should) do here but let go. This was going to crash and burn and she is not in any place to have a real relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, alertingadf said:

I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. We were friends before this . We were so strong and loved each other and now this all seems falling apart so rapidly.

Sorry this happened. Too much too soon and too many incompatibilities.

You don't need travel language immersion courses to make something work.

This is a case of incompatibilities and misunderstandings on many levels.

She is just not ready for this much this fast. 6 mos is the get-to-know-you period not the learn a language to impress her folks period.

BTW, learning a language does not give you insight into the cultural and familial or her personal nuances.

Unfortunately, this just wasn't meant to go from friends to meet the fam in just 24 weeks.

[alertingadf]

@Wiseman2 I don't necessarily disagree with your statement here. I think it was too fast for all of these things. But she did say to me things like gets just get married now and could your Christmas present to me to have a baby together. Which I know is wild even just writing that out. But there was motivation to do those things because the plan was to go in Sept to Brazil and spend time with her family who don't speak English. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

she did say to me things like gets just get married now and could your Christmas present to me to have a baby together. 

Yes run. 👟👟. That's just crazy.

[Rose Mosse]

14 hours ago, alertingadf said:

A little long...apologies.

I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. We were friends before this and developed an immediate and deep connection. For the first part of our relationship, we were very close and had such a strong connection and relationship. This is likely due to us being friends before and already knowing each other. We travelled, laughed well, and enjoyed so many good times together.

However, recently her job has crazy work hours during certain points of the year. She has to work 100 hours or so a week for a month and half stretch. She said during this time I will hardly see or hear from her since she will be so busy. My girlfriend is also Brazilian. I dont speak Portuguese and felt it could be a fun idea for me to travel to Portugal for 5 weeks and take language/immersion course during this time and work (my job is remote) and learn the language. My thinking, if we wont really see each other anyway, this could be good way to do an immersion course and learn her language. Her parents also dont speak English so I felt this could be a good way to be able to connect with them. Also, my parents are going to be out there for 2 weeks celebrating an anniversary at the same time.

My girlfriend has been married before and was cheated on in the relationship. She told me she has been cheated on in almost every relationship and has large insecurity and abandonment issues because of it.

When her worked picked up, she was right, I barely heard from her. Our contact quickly developed into just text messages occasionally. And there was a growing feeling of disconnect because we hardly saw each other. The only time we would see each other is the gym we go to together. I said maybe we should skip the gym one morning and have breakfast together so we remain connected. She said no because she wants her endorphin rush. This made me feel like I was not a priority.

Right before my trip came up, I learned that a message therapist that I saw at the gym (for therapy) was also going to Spain. My girlfriend learning about this (I told her) said I must have something going on with her. There is not way that both of us would be going at the same time. This seemed really out there to me. I have nor would I ever cheat on her. I love her so much.

I also learned that she spoke with my trainer that she really cares for me but thought I could be cheating on her. I have no idea where this any of this is coming from because I dont even hang out with girls outside of her (ok I play tennis with one other female but thats it)

Flash forward and I asked her if I should go on this trip because I am worried. She said yes I dont want to hold you back from doing that and enjoying your time out there. I wont really be able to see you anyway.

Now that i am out here, things have been getting worse. She tells me that I left her and probably seeing people. She said just text her if I meet someone else so she doenst have to deal with it in person. She then said i dont know why you need to go out to Spain to learn a language when I could have learned it from her. And i was probably seeing the therapist from the gym out there (all of this not even remotely true)

Now I just got a text message that she feels abandoned and wants to end relationship. I have no idea how this fell apart so fast. I am cutting the trip short and rushing back home to see if I can save the relationship. But I feel completely lost here. We were so strong and loved each other and now this all seems falling apart so rapidly. I went out here with best intentions but seems like this has triggered

That’s fine. It hurts but it’s better this way. Wish her well and don’t stay in contact. She’s manipulative so expect her to come back. 

[Andrina]

People who lug around emotional baggage are not good dating material. I'm assuming being accused for a crime you're not committing is pure misery. 

The fact that the beginning of your relationship was magical is what has you dishing to return to that honeymoon period. But those days are gone, and you're now left with the present reality.

The secret to relationship happiness is to end things when dealbreaker behavior happens, so that you will be free to date a better prospect. 

You need to be clear about what dealbreakers are, and the one she has should be on your list. If you don't have a list, it might be helpful to make one and stick to it, along with a must-have list. In that way, even if you've grown to love someone, you need to do what's best for yourself and refer to your list.

And the fact that she's so ready to bail means that she's not invested as you. She has self-sabotaged and put up barriers. Don't try to fix a fixer-upper. She's chosen to be this way, so who are you to try to mold her into something else? It's not your job.

She doesn't mind ruining your trip, hasn't thanked you for the sweet gesture of learning her language, and suggests breaking up with a cold text. If that's who you think your ideal partner is, your self-esteem sucks, since that's all you subconsciously think you deserve.

When you gain time and distance from this toxicity, you'll see she did you a favor. Let her go, and be confident in that decision.

[DancingFool]

Yes she is doing a huge 180 on you. However, rather than knee jerking and trying to "fix" it, you need to take a huge step back and evaluate her and her behavior. You are ignoring a forest of red flags slapping you in the face.

Telling you that she has been cheated on in every relationship is a forest of red flags. Anyone can be cheated on once or twice, but every relationship ever? Improbable. Think carefully how she is treating you right now - you are not a cheater, yet she has already decided you are one and is acting accordingly. Consider that she will tell the next guy how you cheated on her and what a victim she is. No doubt he will be sorry for her and also be confident that they will be OK because he is not a cheater....just like you thought too....... The men in her life aren't the issue - she is.

Consider also that those who rush to accuse you are often projecting. She is suddenly busy, too busy to really talk to you, she'd rather work out than have any kind of quality time with you. All this followed by unfounded accusations and essentially stepping away from your relationship completely. Pay attention to the fact that she actively distanced from you and is now telling you that she feels too distant. She did this purposefully. Nothing about this is normal behavior on her end. This is where you really need to fight the urge to rush in to save things and actually step back and use your reason. This whole thing stinks like a barrel of rotten fish and it's not about you, it's about her. 

At best, this woman is seriously unstable and therefore not partner material. Add to that "a baby for Christmas" and you should be running for the hills screaming. This is manipulative af. I'm guessing that you are a guy who is ready to settle down and really want a family and she is well aware. She is playing you, as unpleasant as that may be to digest.

As already suggested, I would absolutely not cut the trip short. Be very firm with her that her accusations are not acceptable and that she needs to deal with her issues on her own and if she continues to accuse you, it's better you part ways. This kind of drama is not something you can ever solve. It's on her, not on you.

Ultimately, every relationship starts out amazing - feeling of connection, lots of fun, future dreams, rainbows and butterflies..... For real compatibility you have to look at how things are beyond that honeymoon period. Once they start to show you their true colors, believe them and have the sense to walk away. At 6 months, what you have with her are dreams of a future, but the present and her unstable behaviors are showing you that she is not partner, much less parent material.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, alertingadf said:

lets just get married now and could your Christmas present to me to have a baby together.

Can you say green card/anchor baby? It's 6 mos., so just cut your losses and don't do "crazy' again now that you have a perfect picture of what that looks like..

[alertingadf]

@Wiseman2she obtained american citizenship the normal path right before I we started dating. We were friends before dating so I know this is part is accurate

Not saying what was mentioned is not crazy but wasn't green card situation.

[Rose Mosse]

Is she telling you it's over and still messaging or contacting you? Or have you both respectfully stopped communicating?

[alertingadf]

@DancingFool I think you might be right about some of those things. And you are right, at 39, I am ready to settle down and start a family. I think partly what is happening is because I am older and turning 40 next month that this is hitting me hard. We started out really well and were friends before dating, I think this has made me push aside some issues that have appeared that I would normally see as red flags. 

[alertingadf]

@Rose Mossestill in contact but she messaged me if I come back it may not change much and don't get my hopes up. Side note, is Mosse your last name....mine is too. Rare.

[bluecastle]

1 minute ago, alertingadf said:

I think partly what is happening is because I am older and turning 40 next month that this is hitting me hard. We started out really well and were friends before dating, I think this has made me push aside some issues that have appeared that I would normally see as red flags. 

As someone just a few years older than you, I totally get the emotional whirl that kicks in as the threshold of 40 looms. 

When you say "some issues that have appeared" are you referring to this exchange, or other instances where a little alarm bell went off? Just curious, as often these moments bring about a sense of clarity, kind of like how you notice a water spot on the ceiling of a new apartment, shrug it off, then find the ceiling collapses six months later. 

I do really hope you continue on with your trip. 

[Rose Mosse]

3 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

@Rose Mossestill in contact but she messaged me if I come back it may not change much 

What's odd and ironic is that you say you were friends and yet she is unable to trust you this much to the point where she interrupts travel plans for you and accuses you of cheating. 

There is either something severely wrong with your story or major chunks missing or she is unstable in relationships, period. 

How could someone who claims to have been friends with you distrust you this much or do a Jekyl/Hyde switch so entirely? If not for the relationship, did the friendship count for nothing? Very strange.

[alertingadf]

@bluecastle yes, the current exchange and past behavior. 

[DancingFool]

5 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

@DancingFool I think you might be right about some of those things. And you are right, at 39, I am ready to settle down and start a family. I think partly what is happening is because I am older and turning 40 next month that this is hitting me hard. We started out really well and were friends before dating, I think this has made me push aside some issues that have appeared that I would normally see as red flags. 

I know it's easy to say looking in from the outside, but do take a deep breath and don't let some inner clock cloud your personal judgment. There are too many red flags here.

Most notably is that she started to push you away BEFORE you went on your trip to learn Portuguese....which is a really sweet gesture on your end. If she was genuinely invested in you, she'd be thrilled about that. Again....she started to pull away before your trip and has used this trip as a weapon against you.

[alertingadf]

@Rose MosseI don't disagree with what you are saying. She told me she had trust issues to start. When weird things like that would come up, she said with time that it would go away as she got more comfortable in the relationship. I even offered her to check my phone or whatever she wanted to make her more comfortable. When I said that she said she was afraid what she would see.

I know her ex-husband cheated on her . Another boyfriend she caught cheating on her when she saw his phone one day. She actually saved the message and showed me. Which is  also a bit odd

[bluecastle]

2 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

and past behavior. 

Care to elaborate? 

All in all, if she is not willing or able to hold herself accountable for this outburst—to own that it has nothing to do with you, that it is baggage she needs to sort out and is committed to sorting out—I would say that you have learned that she is not the ideal fit you hoped.

That said, someone who comes out of the gates with "trust issues" is often someone cracking a window to a roomful of shattered glass. Replace that with "booze issues" or "fidelity issues" or "cleanliness issues" and it's really know different. We share with others, especially early, that which we want validated and to grow into alongside them—sometimes consciously, sometimes not.  

For whatever it's worth? When I was your age, I got tangled up in something with some similar shades as what you're dealing with. It really threw me, and no doubt part of that was because I was so sincerely ready for partnership and it felt so, so good to be connecting with someone with whom I seemed to share so much potential with. 

But what ultimately showed me that I truly wanted partnership? It was stepping away from that bonfire once I saw enough and realized it had nothing to do with me and would just burn me up. The exit was not perfectly linear, humans being humans and all, but it was pretty swift. There was simply no way I could continue to engage with that and continue to profess that I sincerely wanted a healthy partnership with someone, which I found shortly after. 

13 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

She actually saved the message and showed me. Which is  also a bit odd

This is more than a bit odd. This is her sharing with you what she has chosen to make central to her identity, which is being screwed by men and asking men to soothe her. 

[smackie9]

Reassuring her you are not cheating to calm her down is enabling her behavior. She's normally insecure, and she goes to whomever to alleviate the anxiety...she feels better, then it starts again, goes to the BF for reassurance (her fix), wash rinse repeat. It's a viscous cycle. Stop reassuring her, and tell her to find a better way to cope with it. I'm sure there are videos she can watch to find that coping technique to help her. I hope she is in therapy or maybe suggest it because this is no way to live. 

[Rose Mosse]

21 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

@Rose MosseI don't disagree with what you are saying. She told me she had trust issues to start. When weird things like that would come up, she said with time that it would go away as she got more comfortable in the relationship. I even offered her to check my phone or whatever she wanted to make her more comfortable. When I said that she said she was afraid what she would see.

I know her ex-husband cheated on her . Another boyfriend she caught cheating on her when she saw his phone one day. She actually saved the message and showed me. Which is  also a bit odd

Now you'll know what to look out for and avoid in future partners. A healthy relationship doesn't start like this.

I agree with the previous comment that you were enabling her issues when you didn't walk away from them.

I suggest avoiding contact with her and moving on with your life. It was six months and a lot of it seems uneasy and disturbing.

[MissCanuck]

33 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

I even offered her to check my phone or whatever she wanted to make her more comfortable.

In the future, avoid doing this. It enables unhealthy relationship behaviour. I realize you had good intentions but it's not the best idea. It's not what is going to make a deeply insecure and paranoid person trust you.