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Did I come on too strong? I got ghosted after she initiated exclusivity


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Hello, so this girl and I have known each other for 10 years and we’ve been friends with benefits for the past 3 years (on and off). Recently we were in a good part of our “friends with benefitship?” I guess you’d call it, and she brought up to me for the first time how she would eventually want to be exclusive with me, I agreed that I would want to be exclusive as well. Two days after that talk, she invited me to an event with her family, it went very well and she was very affectionate towards me, even in front of her family and I was affectionate back. The night after that, she called me and asked how my day was and that was it, typically she’d stay on the phone for a while at night, roughly an hour at least. We got off the phone after 2-3 minutes, it was 9pm and usually we go to bed around 1am, so I got insecure about that, (why did she hang up so early? Is she talking to another guy? Etc) and so I called her back asking if we were exclusively hooking up (I know, I ***ed up there) and she basically said no and said we should be honest and get tested before we hook up. I then asked asked her “so what was all that exclusivity talk about then?” And she paused and answered with “well I’ve been thinking about it”.. I got butthurt and emotional about it and made an ass out of myself. I thought she wanted exclusivity, I mean, if she did, she changed her mind in 2 days. I then said out of emotional weakness that we should take a break and not talk to see how we feel later on, I know, dumb, I asked her what she thought about that, she had a long pause and said “can I have time to think about it?” I said yes of course and she ended the call with “thanks, I appreciate it…” I texted her after that call saying I don’t want confusion and don’t want to waste my time or hers.. 

the next day, I realized the stupid *** I said, I didn’t know what I was thinking, so I called her twice 5 hours apart and no answer or call back, I just wanted to apologize about the night before. After the whole day passed, still nothing, I got weak again and text her in the late evening saying “I guess we aren’t going to talk anymore. sorry for how things turned out, take care of yourself.” And I still haven’t heard from her, it’s been 3 days. 

I know what I did was ***ing stupid and I was just being emotional. She still has me on social media, if that means anything? She still watches my posts. I really like her but not sure what I should do, should I block her on everything? 

Did I completely *** this up?

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Why are you blaming yourself for all of this? 

You correctly identified that she doesn't actually want exclusivity and that she wasn't sincere with you. Maybe you got emotional and insecure, but that doesn't change that bottom line - she doesn't want to be a couple with you. So your reaction to her double-talk was not that relevant to where you are now. It was going to end the same way. 

After 3 years of FWB, it's time to accept that this wasn't going anywhere. That's way too long to be hoping things develop. If it hasn't happened by now, it's never going to, man. It's best to block her everywhere so you can move on, and eventually find a woman who wants what you want. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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1 hour ago, Flamable_water said:

, if she did, she changed her mind in 2 days. I then said out of emotional weakness that we should take a break and not talk to see how we feel later on, I know, dumb,

No, this is not dumb.  I agree, totally.

YOU, especially need this to work on your emotions. And she probably agree's, right?  Didn;t she say she needs to think on things?  Then let her do that!

Don't be chasing her.  Don't blow up her phones.  Leave her be now.

Sounds like you ended up emotionally invested in this, so yeah, it'll hurt a while 😕 .

But, we can't make someone love us.

IMO, it's best you remain distant and work on accepting all of this.. is how it is now.

No expectations, as it was only supposed to be a fwb. ( no strings attached). So, I think this is it.

Give yourself time to work through it all now.  Be easy on yourself.  You are not stupid.

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What was the event? She may have said about exclusivity because she needed a date for that.

Anyway, if somebody ghosts you after 10 years of friendship and 3 years of FWB, without saying a word, you are dealing with emotionally immature person. So no wonder you got flip flopping from her. You didnt Fed up anything. You just wanted to know where you stand and that is OK. You just wanted some exclusivity from the wrong person. 

I wouldnt be surprised if she comes back. She is a flip flopper after all. But now you have your answer, so, for your sake, just block her and delete her. Her phone, her social media, everything. There is no need to continue this if you want something more mature. Because now you know that this is not that.

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4 hours ago, Flamable_water said:

 we’ve been friends with benefits for the past 3 years (on and off). 

Did I completely *** this up?

It's been a mess for years. These nebulous neither here nor there situationships usually end in disasters just like this.

FWB, on/off for years means you're incompatible have chronic unresolved conflicts but due to unhealthy attachments and lack of other opportunities, you keep buzzing around each other. 

This imprisons both of you into not finding more appropriate partners.

Set both yourselves free from this nonsense. 

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Both of you took the risk that keeping things as friends with sex when you both felt horny meant too much of that sort of history -or baggage -for the switch to flip all of a sudden to actual committed relationship.  This is not the movies.  You benefited from keeping things vague until you didn't.  Her "eventually" was still really vague -after all those years.  Red flag.  Eventually?  As they said in Harry Met Sally "when you realize you want to spend your life with someone you want it to start right then" (or something like that). 

 I think she didn't expect you to say "eventually?? how about now??"  I mean come on -two friends who have intercourse have no need to read signs/be vague about what each really wants, right? She did that family thing realized she'd misspoke/wasn't feeling it and now feels awkward because she can't unring the bell -can't undo what was said and discussed.  

I'm sorry it didn't work out.  

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

she'd misspoke/wasn't feeling it and now feels awkward because she can't unring the bell -can't undo what was said and discussed.  

This ^^^  hit the nail right on the head.  She was the one who f***ed up a FWB relationship with loose words and willy-nilly desires

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My read on this is that when she brought up exclusivity she was actually asking you to confirm that in the present tense that you are dating exclusively, not "would want to be". This is too passive.

She saw right then that you were probably the kind to coast on until she makes any other moves. The set up wasn't built right for a relationship from the start and your dynamic together seems way too casual and passive. You may have been adjusting to what she was saying and absorbing it but you weren't on the same page immediately which she sensed.

When you got emotional, she also saw another side of you that may have turned her off even if she was on the fence but I don't think she saw you as potential dating material by then. 

Out of curiosity why didn't you ask her out on a date and why did she have to be the one to call you the night after spending time with her family? 

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