Waiting for a Ex Coworker to message me

[Waltnate]

Sorry it's quite a long post. 

I am 29 male from India. I used to work as a software engineer in a startup (left two months ago). Last year in November an attractive young woman (25) joined my team as Account Manager. We were all WFH , and it was  an early stage startup so all of us used to interact on company groups on WhatsApp.  I was senior engineer, and my team had no lead, so I was kind of leading the team. It was a B2B startup and we had MNCs as our clients who would tell Account managers about issues with our products and account manager would call me. Which means she would call me.

Now I have never been in a serious relationship in my life till now . When I saw her dp on WhatsApp, I was happy that atleast something interesting is happening in monotonous work life. But I was senior guy in company so I tried my best to be professional in all our conversations. She was quite outspoken, confident, talented MBA grad fresh out of college. And I am  introverted shy kind of guy. But we had common interests like movies, tv series etc so sometimes conversation would drift in that direction. And I would crack jokes sometimes which she would laugh at and life was good.

On call , she would tell me sometimes about issues and conflicts she faced at work . And I would listen and wonder why is she telling this to me. Then we started having personal conversations on WhatsApp which were mostly initiated by me. Normal stupid messages like have you seen this movie ? Etc. Etc. I guess no wonder how hard you try, your desparation comes out in some form :(. She would reply to most of them but the replies were not that enthusiastic. Obviously we were both working so I didn't mind. And she would rarely initiate personal conversations with me . To which I thought, hey I m senior guy, maybe she is bit intimidated to initiate. 
Just when I started liking her, one day she informed me of her resignation.  She had some conflicts with the senior management. It was bold move as she had no offers, but she was quite determined to get a job within  2 month notice period.  I was quite sad, but I felt for her. So I would sometimes ask her about her preparations and upcoming interviews and would give her some advice. I don't know whether it was me trying to help her as a friend, or using it as an opportunity to just chat with her. Maybe it was bit of both.  

Then one day we had to test out some website we had developed.  I asked her to check, it was bit urgent. I personally messaged her to test. She didn't reply. So I posted on the main group. Then after sometimes she replied on the main group.  I was bit angry. I asked her. She apologized saying she was preparing for interview so was busy.

I thought *** is happening to me. Why I am getting angry over small stuff.  I am sometimes very impulsive and the next morning I thought it's better to just tell her that I had feelings for her and get this over with. I thought I had no chance anyway, so just telling her would lift off this weight from my chest.  I just said that I had a crush on you, and she very politely declined saying that she saw me as good friend and she was bit surprised by my confession as she saw me as an introvert . And btw my WhatsApp DP was some Monae painting. Which means she had no idea how I looked. lol

So after that she worked there for 3 weeks . We had just professional conversations on main group. Also the founder of company told business side not to directly call tech people in case of any issue. So we had no interaction on call after that.  I called her up on her last day at the company. She was quite elated as she had gotten a pretty good offer. I congratulated her and told her that I would miss working with her. I was in very vulnerable state then and was expecting her to say
something.  And she said that I could message her anytime. Which slightly irritated me a bit. It sounded like a consolation.
After saying bye, I was very disappointed. I started blaming myself again for being too desparate. And I decided that I am not going to v her again. Ever.

4 months have passed since then and I too left the company for some other reason.  I didn't even serve the notice period. I was jobless for around two months. Have just got an offer and I have put up a decent DP too :).

In these 4 months there is not a single day I haven't thought about her. We are connected on WhatsApp and on LinkedIn.

Tell me , is it too outlandish to expect her to message me ? My ego stops me from sending messages. But I am bit perplexed.  I always treated her nicely. Maybe she could have asked me how I was doing? 

Should I message her ?

If anyone has managed to read till here, would love some advice. Because I am not able to move on. Women folks! Please offer your wisdom:)

[melancholy123]

I say send her a WhatsApp msg and tell her you have gotten a new job and maybe a bit of detail about it and then ask her how she is doing and tell her you'd like to hear from her.

No reason I can think of for her to have to contact you.  Give it a shot, you have nothing to lose.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Waltnate said:

is it too outlandish to expect her to message me ?

A bit, yes. 

She told you she saw you as a friend and has remained distant. Unfortunately, your interest is not mutual, so there is really no reason for her to get in touch with you. I would also not reach out to her, as you are likely to be met with the same friendly but distinct brush-off. 

Head high, OP. This woman isn't interested but there will be others. 

[Kwothe28]

Sounds like a classic friendzone to me. You "cultivated" a friendship and then wondered why she isnt romantically interested in you. Being nice doesnt guarantee you anything. She is in no obligation to do anything just because you were nice to her and it will always most likely get you the same results you see here. You have to be bold and brash sometimes in order to get yourself out there and get the girls. I also found her answer interesting. Like she knew you liked her but she never thought you would ever confess to her. 

Anyway, I would leave it alone. You already got an answer and if she is interested even in friendship she would indeed message and asked how are you doing. She has no interest in even being that, so just leave it alone. Plenty of fish in the sea, there is no need to chase anybody who doesnt want you. 

[Wiseman2]

Have you met in person? 

[Rose Mosse]

No, don’t reach out to her. It’s possible she left because your previous company and its management were egregiously unprofessional. You got angry with the situation because she didn’t feel the same way about you. I strongly suggest you examine or take a good look at your reactions when someone doesn’t feel the same way about you. 

You’re going to put yourself at risk professionally to reach out to a woman who never felt romantic about you to start and pushing a matter that’s already been long dead in the water months ago when she said NO. Leave her alone and keep focusing on your career. Meet other women outside of work and go on dates with women who want to meet with you instead of pursuing someone who doesn’t appreciate your efforts.

[waffle]

14 hours ago, Waltnate said:

We were all WFH , and it was  an early stage startup so all of us used to interact on company groups on WhatsApp.  

<snip>  

And btw my WhatsApp DP was some Monae painting. Which means she had no idea how I looked. lol

 

Are you saying you never met this woman in person?

[Waltnate]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? 

No....Infact she had never seen me even in a photo, till she left. I have put up my pic on WhatsApp on my birthday which was few days ago. Which is 4 months after she left. 

[Waltnate]

28 minutes ago, waffle said:

Are you saying you never met this woman in person?

No...she had never seen me in person or even in a photo till she left.   I recently put up a DP on WhatsApp which is 4 months after she left. 

[Waltnate]

8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

No, don’t reach out to her. It’s possible she left because your previous company and its management were egregiously unprofessional. You got angry with the situation because she didn’t feel the same way about you. I strongly suggest you examine or take a good look at your reactions when someone doesn’t feel the same way about you. 

You’re going to put yourself at risk professionally to reach out to a woman who never felt romantic about you to start and pushing a matter that’s already been long dead in the water months ago when she said NO. Leave her alone and keep focusing on your career. Meet other women outside of work and go on dates with women who want to meet with you instead of pursuing someone who doesn’t appreciate your efforts.

I was not angry that she didn't like me. She was very polite in her rejection and that was best response one could have gotten probably without a DP ,lol. 

She did resign because of misogynistic environment. She would occasionally confide in me about the same. 

[waffle]

13 minutes ago, Waltnate said:

No...she had never seen me in person or even in a photo till she left.   I recently put up a DP on WhatsApp which is 4 months after she left. 

I have no idea what DP is but you have a crush on words on a screen--a fantasy, not an actual person.   You don't know her, and she doesn't know you.  In the future I'd try to get to know someone in person first and see how things develop before prematurely declaring feelings.

 

[Batya33]

She is a coworker you interacted with online. Your romantic feelings are real and are not based in knowing this person or on this person -for those purposes you two are complete strangers.  I would move on.  

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, Waltnate said:

I thought it's better to just tell her that I had feelings for her and get this over with

I didn't realize you had never met her, nor that she has no real clue who you are. 

Make a mental note for the future, OP: Most women will be put off by a near-complete stranger confessing his feelings for her. I realize you work together, but she doesn't even know what you look like. Coming out of the blue with a message that you have feelings was not a good idea, but hopefully you learn from his experience and don't repeat the same mistake in the future. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Waltnate said:

No...she had never seen me in person or even in a photo till she left.   I recently put up a DP on WhatsApp which is 4 months after she left. 

Why not date real life women in person? It doesn't matter that you put a profile pic on your social media/messaging apps. 

[smackie9]

Just because you are nice to her or any other girl, doesn't mean you should be rewarded with romantic interest or friendship. You had a professional relationship, that's it. She hasn't reached out because you are no longer working together...so that should tell you it was just a work relationship and nothing more. 

You want to meet women, makes some friends and go out dancing, socializing. No woman just falls into your lap. You have to put yourself out there and ask woman out on dates. 

[jul-els]

If you have this much interest in her, then the onus is on you to initiate an exchange with her. If she seems receptive with a response, then you ask her out. If she responds favorably, great, you have a date. If not, then you’ll know she’s not interested and can end your obsession with someone who represents one drop in what is literally an ocean of women on the face of the earth. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, jul-els said:

If you have this much interest in her, then the onus is on you to initiate an exchange with her. 

He already tried. She turned him down: 

On 7/4/2022 at 4:32 AM, Waltnate said:

she very politely declined saying that she saw me as good friend

OP, don't reach out again. She has already said no. You don't want to make it even more awkward by having her repeat herself. 

[Waltnate]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He already tried. She turned him down: 

OP, don't reach out again. She has already said no. You don't want to make it even more awkward by having her repeat herself. 

Thank you... I think I have quite a bit maturing up to do in relationships. I was trying to form a relationship in wrong place. It hurt quite, a bit though and it's so silly. What was I thinking?

But I was hurt not because she rejected me which to be very honest was per my expectation.

She would tell me these issues, and I would listen and I would go out of my way to ask how she was doing from time to time. When I could have just ignored her.  I was hurt she could have atleast asked me once how I was doing. I too had conflict with founder over salary and I didn't even serve the notice period. People in the company who didn't even work with me , called me up and asked why was I leaving.

So maybe I creeped her out so badly that she doesnt want to see me again. Or she just doesn't care for 100 other reasons. Either way doesn't look good for me. So I won't send anything 

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Waltnate said:

 I was trying to form a relationship in wrong place. 

Yes. Absolutely. Instead, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local interested women.

The workplace is not a singles club or dating apps. People are there to make a living.

There's plenty of ways to meet women and date.

[jul-els]

9 minutes ago, Waltnate said:

Thank you... I think I have quite a bit maturing up to do in form of relationships. I was trying to form a relationship in wrong place. It hurt quite, a bit though and it's so silly. What was I thinking?

Also professional friend is different from normal friends I guess. This is something I will keep in mind

Sorry, I was speaking hypothetically. I wasn’t very clear. Yes, move on from this one, it’s done. Next time you’re interested in someone, ask her out, don’t confess your feelings. That’s putting the horse in front of the cart. I don’t date inside of my workplace because I don’t want to mix my personal life with my work. It makes things easier imo, but to each their own. 

[Waltnate]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Absolutely. Instead, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local interested women.

The workplace is not a singles club or dating apps. People are there to make a living.

There's plenty of ways to meet women and date.

I have tried dating apps. I do get matches but talking to women there is like walking on thin wire 100 ft high. One mistake and you are out. haha.  You have constantly to engaging and interesting in conversations. And all you get are one word answers from other side . Which to be honest gets tiring very fast. 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Waltnate said:

I have tried dating apps. talking to women there is like walking on thin wire 100 ft high. 

Yes, but you're not doing any better with this co-worker.

Why not meet women in person if you find dating apps too draining?

The point is this co-worker you never met is not interested.

[Waltnate]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, but you're not doing any better with this co-worker.

Why not meet women in person if you find dating apps too draining?

The point is this co-worker you never met is not interested.

I Got that she is not interested . Already mentioned it also .

[Wiseman2]

On 7/3/2022 at 10:32 PM, Waltnate said:

   is it too outlandish to expect her to message me ? My ego stops me from sending messages. Maybe she could have asked me how I was doing? 

She doesn't owe you anything. What makes you think she should message you?

[Waltnate]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She doesn't owe you anything. What makes you think she should message you?

Nothing. My mistake.