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Two bad dates but then one very very good one....


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Posted (edited)

I've been in touch with this woman for a few months. 

First month we just texted. Shortly after matching we set up a coffee date. But then the day before I was out on another date and therefore not very responsive to her texts and she said the next morning she didn't feel we would get along as it didn't seem i enjoyed talking to her. I said that isn't true and i was just out with friends so couldn't reply but still wanted to see her. She said she had some work to do but we could try another time. She was then busy with her birthday celebrations, then getting ready for her holiday and then she went on holiday and I went on holiday. I tried to set up a coffee date but she didn't have the time. 

When we were back from our holidays we eventually arranged the first date. It was a total let down. She seemed nervous and was very fidgety, body shaking, shifty eyes and conversation was a bit forced and when I suggested going somewhere else after the drink she said she was tired from a long work week. But texted me when she got home thanking me for the nice evening. 

And she continued texting me, enthusiastically agreed to a Sunday movie date and making references to activities beyond that (e.g. ordered takeaway from my favourite restaurant I can take you there one day etc). She also mentioned her summer holiday plans saying maybe I could join. 

On the day of the date she texted saying she feels a little sick but is on her way. And again when we met she seemed a little off. She sat with arms crossed during the movie and fell asleep midway through. Afterwards I suggested a coffee (for obvious reasons) but she said she was feeling tired and needed to get back to finish off some work. Although she did give me a warm hug end of the date. Then texted me afterwards saying she hoped i got home safe and sorry for today but she was feeling bad and laying on the sofa. 

I lost enthusiasm but made a half hearted attempt to arrange another date for the long bank holiday weekend. We struggled to coordinate our schedules and she got a bit fed up and said it seemed we don't have enough time for each other and that was why she broke up with her ex and if we really wanted to spend time together we would have been able to make plans and maybe we should just leave it. I said the weekend wasn't over and would she like to do something tonight. She said I only suggested because she said something and it felt she was forcing me. I said of course not and i do really want to see her and after some back and forth she agreed to meet for dinner with the intention to then go to the park to see the live streams of the Jubilee concert. 

We met and things went a lot better. Conversation flowed a lot more over dinner and she seemed more relaxed and made better eye contact. I'd got her a little Jubilee cupcake as a surprise which delighted her. We then went to the concert streaming in the park.

I put my arm around her and she then surprised me by hugging me tightly and continued to hug me while we slow danced a little to the music. After a while I kissed her and instantly her tongue darted out and she tried to turn it into a French kiss. Again wasn't expecting that! After the concert we started making out and after a while she suggested we find somewhere quieter to sit. We stayed an hour or so more with lots of kissing and hugging and she even guidd my hands towards her breasts and let me fondle them until she started to get cold and then at the station when we went our separate ways she said she'd miss me or something sweet like that and again texted me when she got home. 

I am not sure what to make of it all.

I know she has quite a lot on....new job, flat hunting, travel and she also broke up with her ex early this year. So maybe I was just a bit unlucky the first few dates and last night was a better reflection of her interest level and because she was more relaxed she was able to get comfortable with me and warm up to me and things should be smoother sailing from here.

But it kinda gives me the impression that she is sensitive and emotional and likely to be high maintenance and demanding and she isn't great company when she is tired/stressed etc. And also if she is looking for a relationship I was a bit surprised she let things go quite fast on the third date. So maybe she was just bored and wanted a bit of fun on a Saturday night. But the hugs seemed very warm and genuine. 

But I know I tend to be a bit pessimistic. So maybe 3rd time round the ice has broken between us and we feel comfortable and relaxed with each other and it will be smoother sailing. 

 

 

Edited by jazz_lover
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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I know she has quite a lot on....new job, flat hunting, travel and she also broke up with her ex early this year.

Does she still live with her exBF? She mentions him a lot so that is part of it. The other part is texting too much before meeting, getting too grabby in public on date 3 as well as her going off on you about all the hassles trying to arrange a date and that her ex had this issue.

 Overall it's 66% really bad so far. 33% sort of bad. 1% somewhat decent. Just fade away. She's got a chip on her shoulder and is not into you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)

Do you have another date planned?  Time and place? If not get another date planned and keep up the momentum. It's possible her life has stabilized over the past month or so.  

I am so stuck on the jubilee cupcake.  That is SO sweet no pun intended.  I'd melt if someone had gotten me something like that for an early date.  (And I had similar experiences -they really stand out!)

I think it's really important that you plan one more time/place date and keep the date barring an emergency.  If that date goes well, cool but if it's not or a rollercoaster to plan I'd actually cut my losses.  Good luck!!

Edited by Batya33
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She doesn't live with her ex and never did. She said the breakup was a bit stressful as he kept texting her and it took him a bit of time to get the message it was over and she didn't want to stay friends or have any further contact. But she did say it perhaps made her a bit cautious when it came to dating as she didn't want another bad experience. 

And yeah I am a little worried we went a little too far last night even if in the heat of the moment she did encourage me. I wasn't expecting to see that kind of passion from her. But I didn't try to push it any further or make any attempt to sleep with her and when she said she was getting cold and we should probably leave I walked her to the station. And the first few dates were pretty sterile with nothing more than a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheeks so maybe testing and confirming there is some chemistry will help move things along. 

She did really appreciate the cupcake. So I guess that might have helped soften her up and make up for being sloppy with the planning. 

Agree all the texting wasn't ideal and was more a function of us just not being able to schedule the first date because of her birthday/work/flat hunting/holidays etc. So I can cut back on that.

Agree it would be a good idea to get the next date planned to avoid a similar situation of our schedules filling up and having too much back and forth and last minute planning. She tends to be busy during the week and work schedule sometimes unpredictable and I don't want to risk Friday night in case she is tired from work and Saturday night she is usually out with friends. Perhaps a daytime date as the scheduling is easy and it can keep the momentum going and also cool things a bit in case she is worried things moved a little fast in the park? Any ideas?

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I say keep going and see if she is consistent with the attention and affection. If on the next date she is cold/distant, then she's not very stable to date now and you might be bound with hot n cold walking on eggshells kinda situation. But give her the benefit of doubt and keep going out.

For the daytime date, yes nice idea.

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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

She tends to be busy during the week and work schedule sometimes unpredictable and I don't want to risk Friday night in case she is tired from work and Saturday night she is usually out with friends. 

Why can't you ask her when a good time is?

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44 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I say keep going and see if she is consistent with the attention and affection. If on the next date she is cold/distant, then she's not very stable to date now and you might be bound with hot n cold walking on eggshells kinda situation. But give her the benefit of doubt and keep going out.

For the daytime date, yes nice idea.

Yes, this - great plan.

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Wait and see. It seems all over the place. When I'm dating I like someone calm, not all over the map. You seem very patient. 

So I agree and they've only met once and had one official date over a long period of time so I personally would give it one more chance and if she's flaky about plans again bye bye

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So she said she is waiting to hear whether her offer on a flat was accepted. If it wasn't she'd need to book viewings all week and can meet me friday or the weekend. If it is she would be moving at the weekend but would be able to do dinner after work one day. Her current lease ends soon so if she doesn't sort something she'd need to go for temporary accommodation which she wants to avoid but it does sound as she is planning to make some time for me either way. 

She also asked me to remind her of a tea place i suggested she can take her parents when they visit in July as she was making a list of things to do. I said I'd be happy to offer some suggestions and she said great we can work on the list together. I also gave her the details of the Beauty and the Beast musical as she'd said it was her favourite disney film and I mentioned that i'd heard something about a musical premiering in late June. She said she would be happy to go together if I want and we can plan. 

Obviously late June a long way away but if things fall apart I can always take someone else and it seemed encouraging she was willing to plan things weeks in advance. 

Then she mentioned she's received some drinks vouchers she'd received from her old company but because she doesn't drink she was wondering if I'd like them saying she usually gives to her best friend and she can either give me the voucher codes or give them to me when she sees me next. 

Oh and maybe TMI but on our first date she mentioned hormone issues and pills she had to take (something about her estrogen levels being too high/irregular periods etc) as a reason why she was getting a mocktail but said she was fine if i wanted to drink something alcoholic. She mentioned early this evening she was falling asleep on the sofa. I said she must be tired and she said the hormone pills were making her sleepy. So I think tiredness could have been a factor on the initial short dates. 

So I think I will treat Saturday as being the official first date and see how things progress from here. Obviously she has a lot on in her life but she seems willing to make an effort and I think once she moves flat that will free up a lot of time as she's planning to move very close to her new workplace and won't have to mess around going on viewings on evenings and weekends. 

Oh before our last date when she mentioned she had made an offer on a flat she said hoped would get accepted she said she would have a little housewarming party when she moved in and maybe I could join. And she's also invited me on a few occasions when she was out with friends and to her birthday party (before we even met!) but I wasn't able to join. A little weird and way too early but I guess it does indicate that she is thinking of me as a potential boyfriend and I get the feeling she isn't seeing anyone else.

 

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Nice! Now - on that jubilee cupcake matter -show her the video of paddington and the queen -it's very charming -and next time you can bring her a marmalade sandwich!!  I agree- she seems to be an enthusiastic date-planning participant so I'd give this a chance.  She also has a lot going on with her flat and moving can be so stressful!

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She's keeping me very much posted on her flat search.

Monday she was frustrated and dejected because she still hadn't heard back from the landlord of the flat she'd made an offer on a week ago. I told her that something seemed off and she should arrange some other viewings as backup options. She texted later that evening saying she'd taken my advice and lined up a viewing for the following evening. 

Tuesday she was feeling more positive. She attended viewings and made offers on two flats she liked and sent me photos and videos of the flats. 

This morning she excitedly texted me "Morning xxx both offers have been accepted!"

She told me she will probably move in next Tuesday but because she has to leave her current place on Saturday will probably stay with a friend for a few days.  She is excited but I feel as she probably will be tired and preoccupied with packing and logistics and probably needs to spend time with her friend if she is staying there temporarily so it would be safer to assume that she won't be free for a date on Friday night or over the weekend which were the possibilities she mentioned when we discussed last Sunday. 

Would it be better to leave the ball in her court and wait until next week after she has moved in to suggest meeting again? I have already asked her out again at the weekend and she couldn't commit to a definite date because of the flat search. Or should I say something like "We should have a drink together to celebrate once you've settled into your new place". That way she knows I'm still keen to meet but also understanding that she is busy with the flat move and that is her priority at the moment. It also leaves the door open for her to suggest something spontaneous over the weekend if she does end up having some time. 

 

 

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Posted (edited)
41 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

She's keeping me very much posted on her flat search.

Monday she was frustrated and dejected because she still hadn't heard back from the landlord of the flat she'd made an offer on a week ago. I told her that something seemed off and she should arrange some other viewings as backup options. She texted later that evening saying she'd taken my advice and lined up a viewing for the following evening. 

Tuesday she was feeling more positive. She attended viewings and made offers on two flats she liked and sent me photos and videos of the flats. 

This morning she excitedly texted me "Morning xxx both offers have been accepted!"

She told me she will probably move in next Tuesday but because she has to leave her current place on Saturday will probably stay with a friend for a few days.  She is excited but I feel as she probably will be tired and preoccupied with packing and logistics and probably needs to spend time with her friend if she is staying there temporarily so it would be safer to assume that she won't be free for a date on Friday night or over the weekend which were the possibilities she mentioned when we discussed last Sunday. 

Would it be better to leave the ball in her court and wait until next week after she has moved in to suggest meeting again? I have already asked her out again at the weekend and she couldn't commit to a definite date because of the flat search. Or should I say something like "We should have a drink together to celebrate once you've settled into your new place". That way she knows I'm still keen to meet but also understanding that she is busy with the flat move and that is her priority at the moment. It also leaves the door open for her to suggest something spontaneous over the weekend if she does end up having some time. 

 

 

You should ask her. Do it with simplicity and tact. Ask her how her day is going and whether she’d like to meet with you this weekend. Don’t assume she’s too busy or tired. A person who is interested will make time for you. And if she is busy with her things that is absolutely fine too. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Ask her out and don't make assumptions. She should get back to you with a time slot whether it's this week or next one.

I just recently moved into a new apartment as well, and me and my friend wanted to meet. I told him I'll meet before I move out and suggested time X last week and in case that didn't work out, I would have suggested another time for this week. She has to give you a timeline if she's into you. But, do actively ask her out and keep showing interest in the meanwhile.

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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

Would it be better to leave the ball in her court and wait until next week after she has moved in to suggest meeting again?

Yes. She knows you're interested and she is busy busy busy, so when she's settled in, she can contact you. Lay back on the texting.

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We discussed on Sunday and she said if she didn’t hear back from the offer she’d book viewings for the week and she’d meet me Friday or the weekend. But if she got an offer accepted she’d try to move over the weekend. And now she is moving to her friend at the weekend and moving to her new place sometime next week. 

Usually I would follow up but as our date last week was a struggle to arrange might be something to said for leaving it to next weekend. If she wants to see me this weekend she can always ask me out
 

 

 

 

 

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19 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

if she didn’t hear back from the offer she’d book viewings for the week

if she got an offer accepted she’d try to move over the weekend

if she wants to see me this weekend she can always ask me out

Exactly. Too many "ifs". let her contact you and tone down the textbuddy chitchat.

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The fact you're tip-toing around her is worrisome.

Are you dating other people in the meanwhile? If not, it'll be good for you to carry on instead of putting all your eggs in one basket so to speak. Specially that it seems your are not assured with your current date- otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

We discussed on Sunday and she said if she didn’t hear back from the offer she’d book viewings for the week and she’d meet me Friday or the weekend. But if she got an offer accepted she’d try to move over the weekend. And now she is moving to her friend at the weekend and moving to her new place sometime next week. 

Usually I would follow up but as our date last week was a struggle to arrange might be something to said for leaving it to next weekend. If she wants to see me this weekend she can always ask me out
 

Oh gosh. Stop with the games. You want to see her so just ask and find out. 

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Well I asked her. She said she wasn't really sure. If she can stay at her current flat until her move in date next Tuesday we can meet at the weekend. But otherwise she will have to stay with a friend for a few days. I replied saying things seemed pretty up in the air so maybe easier to arrange something once she has settled into her new place. She didn't reply to that. 

 

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56 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Well I asked her. She said she wasn't really sure.

If somebody wants to see you, they would make time for you. I undertand that she is busy with moving, but she isnt that busy that she cant go out for a drink with you to see you if she wants. She offered no clear alternative to that. You asked, so move out from that. She can contact you if she wants something.

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Ah she eventually got back to me said she was staying with a friend until her move but did I want to do something over the weekend asking if I was free Saturday night. I said I wasn't and asked if Sunday was any good and she said she could do early evening but would probably be tired. I said that was OK and we could do something relaxing. But guess it is a good sign she wants to do this weekend even after I told her I could wait until she was settled into her new place. 

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