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Two bad dates but then one very very good one....


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9 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Yeah she was a bit off tonight behaviour more similar to first two dates: nervous body language fidgeting a lot and shifty eye contact and while she showed a bit of affection giving me a warm hug to greet me and holding my hand a little at dinner generally she was a bit standoffish and when I tried to kiss her goodnight she gave me her cheek despite the fact we had made out for hours on our last date. 
 

Also we were talking a bit about psychology as she did her masters in that and she said she thinks people don’t change so when she sees red flags she gives up and referenced again the conversation we had a week or so ago when our schedules didn’t coordinate and she thought we didn’t have enough time together. 
 

also at dinner she had her phone on the table and her eyes darted towards it every time a message popped up and in general she seemed distracted. 
 

Strange because all weekend she was saying she missed me and was excited to see me again. 
 

So I think you might be right that her ex being in contact with her this weekend has put her guard up again and she didn’t make the same effort she made last weekend. 
 

also there was a bit of drama at the end her phone was dying and she wasn’t familiar with the route back to her friend. I said that I could take her to the nearest station and get her an Uber or directions but she refused saying she would find somewhere she can charge her phone which again interpreted as non interest 

so yeah shame really but doesn’t seem to be anything here and last week must have just been lightning striking 

She may not have wanted to inconvenience you so I wouldn't read into the last part. I don't know what's the appeal in women like this who seem to need a lot of help and reassurance, or those who keep in contact with their exes. As a woman, a man's contact would have been blocked and deleted yesterday. I think you have quite a bit to offer so keep your eyes peeled for a woman who has the same.

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Yeah dont think there was any emergency. Her flat is sorted and she picks up the keys tomorrow evening. She did mention her friend's date stood her up saying he had to work late so maybe that is what some of the texts were about. She wasn't actually texting at the table but her phone was on the table and her gaze would wander to the message notifications and generally she seemed quite distracted. So yeah I did find it quite rude. 

 

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She's clearly not interested in you.

28 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Don't bother with another date. 

Block, delete, and move on to women who see your worth and show active interest to get to know you.

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7 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She did mention her friend's date stood her up saying he had to work late so maybe that is what some of the texts were about.

Sure it is. Not at all another date lol

Again, dont entertain women who are not excited about you and where you are not even a first choice. And certanly not be a servant to them when you are even not in a relationship. Heck even when you are in a relationship its not good to be that complacent to drive her around to shop stuff. That is not a date.

Edited by Kwothe28
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Yeah I think she lost interest as the date progressed as she started the date a lot warmer and more attentive and affectionate and relaxed and then became more distant and distracted and nervous. Could have partly have been my fault as I'm not at my best on Mondays and was low energy and maybe a bit quieter than usual and maybe that turned her off. I also suspect that bringing up late in the evening the thing about red flags and the conversation a week ago when she said that our difficulty scheduling dates meant we didnt have enough time for each other was her way of rationalizing why she wasn't feeling it and giving herself an excuse for not seeing me again.

But it still feels a bit strange. Last week she was warm and relaxed and affectionate and we made our for hours in the park and she has been texted me regularly ever since initiating texts every morning and talking about how she is going to invite me to her housewarming and how she misses me etc and wanting to go to the musical a month in advance and while scheduling this date was a bit of an effort with her flat search she was making an effort when I said I was happy to wait until she had settled into her new place. 

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11 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

 she seemed quite distracted. So yeah I did find it quite rude. 

You were her chauffeur, personal shopper and meal ticket. She was clearly more interested in her phone and who's on it than you. If you want to play the fool, that's fine, just don't waste as much time and money on this rerun of "Turkish girl".

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We met in central so i didn't have to do the shopping with her and she took the metro from work to central and she insisted on splitting the dinner bill like she did last date. So in the end it was a date. But unfortunately a bad date and clear to me she isn't interested so not going to beat a dead horse. 

I sent her a text last night saying "Hope you managed to get home safe. It was nice to see you tonight". She replied "It was stressful but i got home OK nothing to worry". And i replied "Ahh ok sleep well and good luck with the move tmrw" and she didnt bother replying to that. She hasn't messaged me today whereas for the past week she has been texting me good morning every single day. So yeah dead in the water so will delete her number and see what else is out there. 

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It's not strange.  Many people change their mind early on in dating.  Also she was seeing you at her convenience and where you could make her life more convenient -not because she was excited to spend time with you.

You do need to make a good first impression but you don't have to be at your best.  You are not there to entertain the person in that sense.  The first time my husband and I had dinner after 7 years apart he showed up late and sweaty (because he'd gone to a restaurant with the same name close to a mile away then realized).  I showed up on time, with ultra casual clothes and little makeup as we'd made the plans to meet for a catch up dinner last minute.  Sparks flew. Good impression means show up, look nice, be nice, keep up your half of the convo.  Done.

 

Edited by Batya33
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14 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She wasn't actually texting at the table but her phone was on the table and her gaze would wander to the message notifications and generally she seemed quite distracted.

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You’re not compatible in the first place. It seems one of her first requirements is to have you mingle with her friends and join in on spontaneous friend-dates.

The mention of her ex contacting her, her seemingly annoyed that he is contacting her, being upset with you for not hanging with her friends prior, watching her phone at the table… Jazz, I am exhausted just listening to you describe this woman. 

Date more mature women who treat you the way you want to be treated. Preferably ones with better manners, don’t have exes in the picture and are not so culturally removed from what you’re comfortable with. 

Don’t feel discouraged either. This woman is no loss.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Mm well there is a final postscript to all of this. After our date we exchanged a few texts but her texts were very cold and mostly focused on her ongoing flat saga with the occasional polite "How are you?" and her replies were sporadic sometimes taking days to reply. She moved into the new flat over the weekend but there still wasn't any real change in the texting patterns etc. In the end I texted her saying "You seem to have lost interest so I'm going to move on. Hope everything works out for you and you find what you are looking for". She replied later that day saying:

"Hey jazz I think it needs to be explained in a bit more detail

I think I'm currently just focusing on some other stuff and any even small details make me cool off from anyone as it's not my priority. There are of course a couple of things made me feel this way. But it does not mean I have never felt for you"

I realize there is no point replying and most likely what has happened is her feelings changed and she is just trying to find excuses to rationalize it. And of course she is trying to let me down gently while at the same time pointing the finger at me.  

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2 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Mm well there is a final postscript to all of this. After our date we exchanged a few texts but her texts were very cold and mostly focused on her ongoing flat saga with the occasional polite "How are you?" and her replies were sporadic sometimes taking days to reply. She moved into the new flat over the weekend but there still wasn't any real change in the texting patterns etc. In the end I texted her saying "You seem to have lost interest so I'm going to move on. Hope everything works out for you and you find what you are looking for". She replied later that day saying:

"Hey jazz I think it needs to be explained in a bit more detail

I think I'm currently just focusing on some other stuff and any even small details make me cool off from anyone as it's not my priority. There are of course a couple of things made me feel this way. But it does not mean I have never felt for you"

I realize there is no point replying and most likely what has happened is her feelings changed and she is just trying to find excuses to rationalize it. And of course she is trying to let me down gently while at the same time pointing the finger at me.  

Ugh what lame gobbledly ***.  How lovely of her to tell you "it doesn't mean I've never had feelings for you."  Translation:  you are not a priority to me.  I enjoy hearing from you and texting when it's convenient for me but if I have any stress related to moving or whatever please know you're off my radar till the next time I have an off moment to chat because it's fun to be in touch with someone who is so into me!"

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7 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

And of course she is trying to let me down gently while at the same time pointing the finger at me.  

Dodged a bullet. Aside from her later, later, later, after this, after that routine to cancel dates but not make it look like that, this passive aggressive message is sheer BS. Adios amiga.

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

But it does not mean I have never felt for you

Such a BS sentence lol. That is why its better not to dwell and ask further after you see its not going to work at start of dating. Rarely who would tell you the truth and what they offer is usually complete BS.

I had one last year like that. We went on a date(I even went to her town that was close to mine) and had an OK time. But afterward she became distant with messaging. So after one lukewarm exchange said to her that she should think about what I asked(it was not a serious conversation and the question was about some music) and let me know. Anyway, I get crickets for 10 days. So I send more-less the same message you did, how I dont like to leave things unfinished and that its clear that she doesnt want this to continue and that is OK, that I dont wish us to ghost or ignore each other and that wanted to wish her all the best. Do you know what I got for an answer? Some BS how she was busy and she can say the same thing about me and that I was also ignoring her and that she wanted to send the same message I did. I just stopped conversation there also. 

Anyway, again, dont be afraid to discard people like that. Dont try to make them excited when you can see they are clearly not. As one of my friends says "If one doesnt wish to be with me, someone else will". Lots of people would want you to take them out for a lot of different reasons that are not to get to know you. For food, for drinks, for fun, for attention, to make somebody else jealous etc. Dont be afraid to discard them when you see that and to find somebody who would be excited to get to know you.

Edited by Kwothe28
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She did what I call "backpedaling". When you were honest, upfront and told her you're not interested, her ego kicked in and to not get hurt she went on "oh I want interested in you anyways".

Pathetic. She doesn't have the maturity you'd need in a partner. Move along!

@Kwothe28I have a similar story as well. I went out with this guy who I did not click with at all. Like cringe-level date. So I stopped initiating contact and went cold turkey after that 1 date hoping he'll get the hint. One week later out of nowhere he asks me out for the movies. So I came too upfront and told him that I didn't feel any chemistry and I wish him the best. You know what I get?

"I was asking as friends".

RIGHT 😁. We met on a dating app and we were both upfront before the date on what we were looking for. But he backpedaled to try to make me feel bad/awkward lol Luckily, we can see through this BS.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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Posted (edited)

I read it not as backpedalling or making excuses but simply confirming that her feelings had cooled and trying to rationalize it in a slightly passive aggressive and condescending way. 

She fancies herself as a psychologist even though she's spent her life working in HR and only has a one year psychology masters and on our last date was saying some spiel about how she doesn't believe people can change so when she sees red flags she just gives up. That probably ties in with the small details/couple of things that made her cool off. IE she was in a disqualifying mode. 

What I find ironic is she was complaining a few weeks ago about her ex not making her a priority while giving me a hard time for being a bit sloppy with scheduling a date over the long Jubilee weekend.  

 

Edited by jazz_lover
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8 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

She fancies herself as a psychologist even though she's spent her life working in HR and only has a one year psychology masters and on our last date was saying some spiel about how she doesn't believe people can change so when she sees red flags she just gives up. That probably ties in with the small details/couple of things that made her cool off. IE she was in a disqualifying mode. 

Most people I know remove their professional hats (in her case her fake one) when it comes to their own matters of the heart.  I wouldn't think of this any further than she is a bit self-absorbed and fancies herself - just herself -not as a psychologist and realized you were useful as someone to flirt with, perhaps help her with her moving situation, be a tagalong with her friends.  And you had serious intentions of getting to know her.  I think you dodged a bullet and nothing to do with her self-important spiel.

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4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I read it not as backpedalling or making excuses but simply confirming that her feelings had cooled and trying to rationalize it in a slightly passive aggressive and condescending way. She fancies herself as a psychologist even though she's spent her life working in HR

I mean we can throw in all theories here, but by the end of the day she's proven she's not a good match for you and you dodged a bullet.

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41 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Yeah agreed. I think I would have been walking on eggshells the whole time as she seems easily annoyed and upset. 

 

 

That's typical of someone who is not that into you and is going along for the ride.  I'm glad this was short lived.  And of course don't take her actions personally!

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