Getting over heartache

[GDS1]

I was dating a girl for a few months and felt that everything was going good. We were making future plans for the summer together and felt that everything was working out really well. 
Days before we broke up, we slept together for the first time, but something didn’t feel right for the first time. Not to the extent where I felt we were in a bad place and leading to the breaking up, but little things like she didn’t want me to sleep over despite sleeping together. A few days later I received ‘the’ text saying she felt it was more of a friendship for her and that she didn’t want to lead me on. She felt we were at different points in our lives. Fair enough. But why did she feel the need to want to sleep together, if she thought it was just a friendship for her?

I was accepting of her decision, although very confused as it came out the blue. I feel  in a way, lead on, exactly which she said she didn’t want to do. She found the relationship was more of a platonic one, which made me question was she ever into me throughout the few months we were seeing each other? At the start she said she didn’t feel like it was just friends and she she did want to be together, but after time passed she felt different. Again I completely respect that. I do feel incredibly hurt by it all, ruined my confident enormously, which is silly given we were seeing each other for few months. Why am I hurt so much after such a short period of time? I’ve been asking myself that and still can’t answer.

I do genuinely want to move on now, but she meant a lot to me, and I’am finding it difficult to stop thinking about her all the time. 
 

Any advise anyone can offer please?

[Kwothe28]

She didnt think you were compatible after sex so she broke up. Some people do put emphasis on that and think its an important component.

Sorry to hear that. I can see how it can affect confidence. To be left after first sex can make you feel undesirable. But you need to realize that its more about overall compatibility between both partners than about you. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, GDS1 said:

Days before we broke up, we slept together for the first time, but something didn’t feel right for the first time. Not to the extent where I felt we were in a bad place and leading to the breaking up, but little things like she didn’t want me to sleep over despite sleeping together. A few days later I received ‘the’ text saying she felt it was more of a friendship for her and that she didn’t want to lead me on.

Sorry this happened. How old is she? Is she on/off with an ex or recently out if a relationship? It seems she wasn't ready for sex.

That may have nothing to do with you and may be her way of avoiding physical and emotional intimacy. 

Don't accept the "lets stay friends" thing.

[SherrySher]

I'm going to try to put this to you as gently as I can since you're already hurt.

She didn't enjoy the sex.

It may not have been anything you did, or didn't do and more to do with her just not being sexually compatible with you. 

Much like chemistry, everything else fits, but if the chemistry/sexual or otherwise doesn't work, then it ruins the relationship.

You'll be compatible with someone (I promise), just not this one.

[Andrina]

People often can't even figure themselves out, so it's pointless to decipher why she did what she did.

I know I've done many things in life I later shake my head at.

It's not abnormal to feel so upset after a few months when you're really into someone. Just make sure you have a fulfilling life besides dating someone, with hobbies and friends, so that you don't make another the sole source of your happiness.

My advice is what I always did with a break up. Delete photos and any communication. Because when you keep a person alive in your mind with these things, you can't have closure. In doing those things, I usually stopped thinking of them daily after 4 or 5 months.

I had to date a lot before finding anyone worthy of me. Keep that mindset as well so that you will attract quality women. We're not robots and have feelings of a loss of confidence at times, but realistically, people not matching, or a lack of chemistry doesn't mean the other person is "less than." Just as if you found a woman attractive but lacked a spark for wanting to date her. It doesn't mean she did anything wrong. Please keep that in mind and go easy on yourself.

[Rose Mosse]

7 hours ago, GDS1 said:

She felt we were at different points in our lives.

It doesn't seem to me it had anything to do with sex, to answer some of your concerns in your first post. She may have had sex with you in the heat of the moment and wanted to experience some intimacy with a partner. The timing of ending it happened to be after you both had sex which must feel extra terrible.

To get a better idea of your dating/relationship what did she mean here in this quote above, being at different points of your lives? 

 

[jul-els]

She doesn’t know what she wants or what she’s doing. The message is very clear. There are plenty of people for you to choose from who aren’t unsure of themselves. Chalk this one up to experience and move on.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry, OP. 

I think when she had sex with you, she realized that she just doesn't have those feelings for you. It doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong, to be very clear. It means she likely didn't feel that connection that most of us want with an intimate partner. It happens. 

Try not to be too hard on yourself about it. Easier said than done, I realize. But it will sting less as time passes. 

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with most of the above.

She was probably trying for months to be into you and to find that chemistry... And the sex was the act that confirmed to her that she just doesn't feel it nor she has feelings for you.

It has nothing to do with you. Chemistry and feelings are very personal and can sometimes get confusing to nail down for anyone. Since you seemed to have so much common, part her wanted to be with you but another wasn't sure of this compatibility. That was set in stone when you had sex.

It is best to distance yourself, limit contact with her, and get busy/ talk to friends. I'm sorry it's like this. It gets better with time.

[GDS1]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How old is she? Is she on/off with an ex or recently out if a relationship? It seems she wasn't ready for sex.

That may have nothing to do with you and may be her way of avoiding physical and emotional intimacy. 

Don't accept the "lets stay friends" thing.

She was 33, 5 years older than myself. She wasn’t no, although she did have a child whereas I didn’t. 
I do agree with you completely, although it was her who initiated the sex first. I think it’s this part why I was confused, why say she only saw it as platonic when she started sex days before we broke up. It seems like giving me false hope when I made my feelings to her clear before. 
 

Thank you for your response, really appreciated and has helped. 

[GDS1]

9 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

It doesn't seem to me it had anything to do with sex, to answer some of your concerns in your first post. She may have had sex with you in the heat of the moment and wanted to experience some intimacy with a partner. The timing of ending it happened to be after you both had sex which must feel extra terrible.

To get a better idea of your dating/relationship what did she mean here in this quote above, being at different points of your lives? 

 

I feel she meant she had a child whereas I didn’t, perhaps she was looking for someone who had a bit more experience in this area. As I mentioned to her, this didn’t faze me, I was more than willing to adapt to the new situation I found myself in. I can only assume she didn’t feel the same way.

Thanks for your response, really appreciated.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, GDS1 said:

why say she only saw it as platonic when she started sex days before we broke up.

Because she probably realized while she was in bed with you that it didn't feel right for her, somehow. 

My guess is that she had been having some doubts prior to this, but actually having sex sealed the deal that she didn't feel enough romantic chemistry to continue. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, GDS1 said:

She was 33, 5 years older than myself.  she did have a child

It seems more like a life stage situation. She may like your company but can not see herself as a single parent with a much younger childless single man.

I don't think it's the "bad in bed" theory, but rather, she is walling herself off. Maybe there's ongoing strife with the child's father, who knows? Whatever the case, it seems more like she's confused about her life, dating, etc.

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, GDS1 said:

But why did she feel the need to want to sleep together, if she thought it was just a friendship for her?

Some people like to dot their i's and cross their t's. You were there, she was there. There was a mutual attraction. Sex is a culmination. 

She's not ready for a relationship with you, which is a lot more than sex. 

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, GDS1 said:

I feel she meant she had a child whereas I didn’t, perhaps she was looking for someone who had a bit more experience in this area. As I mentioned to her, this didn’t faze me, I was more than willing to adapt to the new situation I found myself in. I can only assume she didn’t feel the same way.

Thanks for your response, really appreciated.

 

I would go with this. Make this less about sex and although it's hard to not feel disappointed it's also far better knowing how someone really feels about you than dragging this out for far longer and finding out later after you've gotten more attached to both her or her child. 

It's not surprising to me that she may feel you're dissimilar to her if you are also not a parent. Your priorities are different. 

[SooSad33]

On 5/20/2022 at 12:11 PM, GDS1 said:

I do genuinely want to move on now, but she meant a lot to me, and I’am finding it difficult to stop thinking about her all the time. 

This is why you hurt so much.  You were really into her. 

But, sadly, we can't 'make' anyone love us.  We need to accept that sometime's it doesn't work out how we wished it would. 

 

Is best to distance yourself from her now.  No chasing, begging or contact anymore.  Be strong - in order for YOU to work on accepting & healing.

And it will 🙂 ... as time goes on it'll be less & less, until one day you'll realize you're just done with all of that!

Then, consider moving along & consider dating again.