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Me (24M) and my fiancee (24W). I feel like I can't take a step anywhere without consulting with her.


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I had a lot of experience (red flags?), but I have never taken in seriously. Since I want your opinion on our relationship (together for about ~7 years, living together for ~5) I would to divide it into points:

1. When we got a dog last year I was giving an ultimatum that when we come back to our hometown (same hometown) the dog will every time stay with her (we both stay at our parents). I am the only one taking care of the dog at our home (she walked him like 2-3 times during the past 3 months). We don't stay together at our hometown (only when I stay at her parents) because she does not agree to divide the time equally (I suggested that if she wants we can sleep same amount of nights at her parents and mine, she was against that). She is in a good relationship with my parents, I am in good with hers. I've also offered that one weekend the dog stays with her and the other time we come back with me. She was also against that.
*I paid for the dog and I also pay for bills, gas, food, going out, travelling etc. (we live in her parents owned apartment)

2. I feel I have no more freedom left in my decisions. She was against that I invest in my brothers business which is profitable and I still did that (only my savings of course). From that it all started going downhill. She is constantly blaming me that I do not consult with her (I don't know if I'm in the wrong here also). Today we got in a fight because in a group chat of my friends (she is also in it and she knows them all) I wrote that maybe anyone want to meet on the weekend (since we were going back that weekend) and she started blaming me that I did not consult with her offering my friends to meet. Basically at this point as I understand that I have to consult my every move and if she doesn't approve it we will go into a big argument.
This leads to: I basically don't have permission to do anything without her. When we were younger (a few years back). My friend was throwing a birthday party (in hometown) and she did not want to go since her parents were sick at that time and she did not want to sleep at my parents. And I said that it's not a problem I'll go alone (it's only couples of my childhood friends, the people she knows). I got the same ultimatum that I'm not going without her and we got into a fight. She later decided she will go together. 
extra: same goes for travelling, my friend group was organizing a summer trip to Greece and she doesn't like one girl in the company (which is in a relationship). I got the same ultimatum that she won't be going because of her and that I can't go alone (they're all my childhood friends like come on, a group of 14 people).
I allow her to go everywhere: company parties, out with her friends etc. I'm not controlling at all because I know trust builds the relationship.

3. I got offered to be the best man at my best friends wedding (she didn't get offered the same role because the best woman will be my friends wifes sister). I don't see any issue in that at all since they both picked a person each. But since I agreed we got into a fight again that I did not consult it with her (I felt it was my duty since I got offered such a role in my friends life). How could I said I need to think or discuss it with my partner. Well, she took it as a betrayal and she was very offended by it. I did not turn down to be the best man.

4. We want to live in different cities. She wants to live in the capital and I want to live in our hometown (since it's only 350km away and housing there is 3x cheaper). I work as a freelancer so location for me is not a problem. She only works part time in a job that with most experience you can earn /3 from my salary. But it's her dream to live in the capital and I agreed. We are both close to our families, but I would want to live more near to them so I can visit more frequently.

5. When first covid lockdown began we went back to our hometown (since we were still in university and all classes were remote). She wanted to stay there a long time but I couldn't focus on working living at parents house so I said that I'll be going back to the capital. I was struck again with the ultimatum of breakup if I go alone (even tho we were staying separately). I did not understand that but I didn't go.
Is this trust issue or what? Because I take care of her, we clean, cook together etc. I buy her nice gifts.

So basically my issue is that I feel like I don't have a say in this relationship and I feel it's turning into a toxic one really fast. Should I consult taking every step and when she doesn't agree to it do it as she says?

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7 minutes ago, needadvice111 said:

together for about ~7 years, living together for ~5.

She was against that I invest in my brothers business which is profitable and I still did that 
4. We want to live in different cities.

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? If you are already arguing about everything from the dog, to money, to where to live reconsider if this is a viable relationship. 

 You need to be single. If you live with someone or (in this case, worse..) get married you need to take heed on a partner. "I need permission" is an immature mindset. More that of a rebellious teen than that of a man ready to live with a woman.

Adults who are ready to build a life together make joint decisions and respect each others input.

They don't shut their partners out and do whatever they want whenever they want. It's common courtesy. When you treat your partner as "the last to know" and keep your activities unilateral you may as well stay single.

Move out, since it's her parents place. If you act like you're single, then be single.

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You need to break up.

You are in your early 20s and you're growing incompatible and apart. It's normal.

And when you have that many ultimatums in a relationship... It's not a relationship anymore.

You're both very familiar with each other. You probably are afraid and don't know what it's like to be with someone else. But, you need to set yourselves free to stop this toxic dynamic. It's no longer fun. And it's not about who is right or wrong. It's just not working anymore.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? If you are already arguing about everything from the dog, to money, to where to live reconsider if this is a viable relationship. 

 You need to be single. If you live with someone or (in this case, worse..) get married you need to take heed on a partner. "I need permission" is an immature mindset. More that of a rebellious teen than that of a man ready to live with a woman.

Adults who are ready to build a life together make joint decisions and respect each others input.

They don't shut their partners out and do whatever they want whenever they want. It's common courtesy. When you treat your partner as "the last to know" and keep your activities unilateral you may as well stay single.

Move out, since it's her parents place. If you act like you're single, then be single.

We are both the same age 24. Thank you for your advice.

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2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You need to break up.

You are in your early 20s and you're growing incompatible and apart. It's normal.

And when you have that many ultimatums in a relationship... It's not a relationship anymore.

You're both very familiar with each other. You probably are afraid and don't know what it's like to be with someone else. But, you need to set yourselves free to stop this toxic dynamic. It's no longer fun. And it's not about who is right or wrong. It's just not working anymore.

Thank you for your advice.

I know that ultimatums in relationships are bad. I've had tons of them during the relationship, but I never saw them with clear eyes.

Just that the latest stuff that we've been arguing about is that I don't consult with her making decisions.
1. Do I need to consult with her being the best man at my best friends wedding? (How would I sound to my best friend that when he asked I'd say I'll think about it or I need to discuss).
 

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to give her notice that you are moving out. You are incompatible.

I respect your opinion.

So you're saying that I'm incompatible, but I want to ask what happens after consulting? If you want to do something but your loved one is against it what do you do in your situation?

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Posted (edited)

Its about "power dynamic". You surrendered yours when you first let her blackmail you into doing whatever she wants. Thus making her think its OK to do it and that she will got what she wants every time and that she just needs to emotionally blackmail you that she will leave. Relationship dynamic is a lot like when you teach kids something. If you dont put the line in the sand and they learn that something is OK, they will do it every time they want something. For example my niece cries and makes a scene. And her parents instead of ignoring or reprihending her are allowing that and immediately react and give her what she wants. Thus making her spoiled. Its the same with you and your girlfriend. She learned now that all she needs to do is to threaten to leave. And that is about it.

I wish I could tell you it will change. But unlike my 2 year old niece who still learns that stuff, your girfriend is an adult. Adult habits rarely change. If she is like that, it will probably stay that. You can say next time when she tries blackmail that she is free to leave. Would be kinda interesting to see reaction since situation would probably confuse her. But doubt it would be worthy for you, it would probably just lead to big argument. So yes, if you dont want someone who would do that thing forever and where you dont have a saying in things and are subdued to her will, you should just leave her. You are 24 and young. You have an OK job from what I read. You can find somebody who will respect you and not walk over you.

Edited by Kwothe28
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Posted (edited)

No, you do not need to consult with a partner about being a best man at your best friend's wedding. She's immature and insecure in that respect but it may be a set dynamic between the two of you and everything compounded causes her to distrust you. It's obvious that you will be in the wedding party and she will not if she's not a good friend of the bride. She may also be very naive and not understand how weddings generally work in regards to who partakes in the wedding party.

At the heart of this is her distrust of you. That isn't going to change with your current mindset and the way you both argue. 

You both don't live together or only live together partially when you both stay with her parents. Don't agree to this set up as it's a bit of a farce. Was it intended as a trial period to see if you get along? Getting a dog together was a mistake. It's a responsibility neither of you were ready for. You'll have to make peace with giving up the dog or taking the dog, whichever is most reasonable if you break up. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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13 minutes ago, needadvice111 said:

So you're saying that I'm incompatible, but I want to ask what happens after consulting? If you want to do something but your loved one is against it what do you do in your situation?

It's about not entering a parent-child dynamic and building this much resentment when she is depicted as a nagging mother that you have to "answer to" and you prefer to do your own thing keeping her in the dark.

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24 minutes ago, needadvice111 said:

Do I need to consult with her being the best man at my best friends wedding?

Absolutely not.

You don't need "permission" to behave like an adult and be a good friend.

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She is not your Mommy. 

You don't need to request permission from her to live your life, and it is troubling that you have gone along with this. She has got you on a very tight leash, and it's no way to have a healthy relationship. 

Her demands are unreasonable. You can try telling her to knock it off, but my guess is that the damage has already been done and this won't last. 

 

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Agree with the others.  I was struck with your constant use of the passive voice in how you described what was going on.  I wondered if in the beginning you liked being controlled to an extent - it was easier to be told what to do, easier to have the excuse of "Oh sorry I can't, my girlfriend isn't comfortable with me going to____/doing____/being out until __".  Why so passive? Yes certain decisions need to be made collectively as a couple and no you don't have to check in for every little thing.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

No, you do not need to consult with a partner about being a best man at your best friend's wedding. She's immature and insecure in that respect but it may be a set dynamic between the two of you and everything compounded causes her to distrust you. It's obvious that you will be in the wedding party and she will not if she's not a good friend of the bride. She may also be very naive and not understand how weddings generally work in regards to who partakes in the wedding party.

At the heart of this is her distrust of you. That isn't going to change with your current mindset and the way you both argue. 

You both don't live together or only live together partially when you both stay with her parents. Don't agree to this set up as it's a bit of a farce. Was it intended as a trial period to see if you get along? Getting a dog together was a mistake. It's a responsibility neither of you were ready for. You'll have to make peace with giving up the dog or taking the dog, whichever is most reasonable if you break up. 

Thank you for your response. She is also invited to the wedding, just not as best woman (that was her issue). I wouldn't be happy if she was not invited to the wedding since she also knows these people from when we started dating.

We live together for ~4-5 years and it's ~400km away from both of our parents (her parents just own the flat). The dog is taken care of very well (we go walks every day for about 3-4hours) and it's not an issue to take care of it after.

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1 minute ago, needadvice111 said:

Thank you for your response. She is also invited to the wedding, just not as best woman (that was her issue). I wouldn't be happy if she was not invited to the wedding since she also knows these people from when we started dating.

We live together for ~4-5 years and it's ~400km away from both of our parents (her parents just own the flat). The dog is taken care of very well (we go walks every day for about 3-4hours) and it's not an issue to take care of it after.

By wedding party I am referring to the bridesmaids and groomsmen only, not the entire wedding invitation list. She's invited and she knows she's going home with you so not sure why this is an issue. Did she provide more details? Does she have a problem with your friends?

You may want to think about whether you're with someone who just doesn't trust you overall. 

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with the others.  I was struck with your constant use of the passive voice in how you described what was going on.  I wondered if in the beginning you liked being controlled to an extent - it was easier to be told what to do, easier to have the excuse of "Oh sorry I can't, my girlfriend isn't comfortable with me going to____/doing____/being out until __".  Why so passive? Yes certain decisions need to be made collectively as a couple and no you don't have to check in for every little thing.

Sorry for the passive voice I was just very angry about these situations. I guess I'm just afraid of breaking up and loosing the person I really care about. In the past times I just went with it and didn't do anything that she did not like and apologized about it.

I get it that I'm kind of immature saying that I don't want to consult about things. I'm just frustrated that whenever we are consulting and I don't want to follow her 100% we get into arguments that end up threats to split up. Like the situation of being the best man, she felt offended that I accepted the offer that the best woman will be the brides sister (when literally the only job is to put a signature at the wedding).

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2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

By wedding party I am referring to the bridesmaids and groomsmen only, not the entire wedding invitation list. She's invited and she knows she's going home with you so not sure why this is an issue. Did she provide more details? Does she have a problem with your friends?

You may want to think about whether you're with someone who just doesn't trust you overall. 

No she doesn't have problems with my friends, just she things that the couple having the wedding tries to separate us with her not being the bridesmaid (best woman?). In my country only 2 people are selected as best man, best woman.

That is what I'm constantly feeling, that she does not trust me at all, but there's no reason for it. I'm assuming that's where the control coming from.

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1 minute ago, needadvice111 said:

Thank you for your response. She is also invited to the wedding, just not as best woman (that was her issue). I wouldn't be happy if she was not invited to the wedding since she also knows these people from when we started dating.

Sadly it sounds like a lack of communication. Of course you don't need "permission" to do stuff.

However perhaps she would like to be more like a couple who discuss things and let each other know what's going on. Keeping each other in the loop.

It's a catch-22 in a way because the more you shut her out and tell her after the fact (and double down on that) the more she  gets upset and insists you discuss things together (and doubles down on that). A power struggle.

This will not work in the future. The couple who never talk and simply announce "Oh hey guess what I just spent $50,000 on a car/new furniture!" "Oh hey guess what my parents are moving in!" whatever will soon be divorced. You two simply do not communicate well .

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Just now, needadvice111 said:

No she doesn't have problems with my friends, just she things that the couple having the wedding tries to separate us with her not being the bridesmaid (best woman?). In my country only 2 people are selected as best man, best woman.

That is what I'm constantly feeling, that she does not trust me at all, but there's no reason for it. I'm assuming that's where the control coming from.

The couple having the wedding isn't trying to separate both of you. She's naive and feeling insecure. Those are issues you can't fix in a person. However the relationship is making things worse.

Stop sticking around if you're being accused of untrue things. It's emotionally abusive in the long run if she continues to control you or let her insecurities run amok like this. 

I'm guessing the reason why you feel guarded in the first place is because you don't trust her either. 

 

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sadly it sounds like a lack of communication. Of course you don't need "permission" to do stuff.

However perhaps she would like to be more like a couple who discuss things and let each other know what's going on. Keeping each other in the loop.

It's a catch-22 in a way because the more you shut her out and tell her after the fact (and double down on that) the more she  gets upset and insists you discuss things together (and doubles down on that). A power struggle.

This will not work in the future. The couple who never talk and simply announce "Oh hey guess what I just spent $50,000 on a car/new furniture!" "Oh hey guess what my parents are moving in!" whatever will soon be divorced. You two simply do not communicate well .

Thank you. Your comments have been very wise and eye opening. I agree that I was acting immature and I'll try to fix it. I agree that it wasn't only her fault on this but also mine. She has been telling me that I lack communication very much. So I guess before calling it quits I need to try working on my communication also.

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Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

The couple having the wedding isn't trying to separate both of you. She's naive and feeling insecure. Those are issues you can't fix in a person. However the relationship is making things worse.

Stop sticking around if you're being accused of untrue things. It's emotionally abusive in the long run if she continues to control you or let her insecurities run amok like this. 

I'm guessing the reason why you feel guarded in the first place is because you don't trust her either. 

 

I agree to what you're saying about the wedding, I feel the same way. I trust her fully, I let her go everywhere with her friends and etc. I don't want any control on her life choices (I just give her my opinion on things she asks me about). But I never try to impact her decision by applying pressure that if she decides yes/no on something threating that it will hurt our relationship (like I feel she does). In my opinion in a couple you don't have to agree on everything, but you can't be mad over the things your loved one decides to do. (Like you listen to the opinion, but you don't have to follow it 100%).

I feel guarded because most of my decisions are doubted and I feel that she wants control over them (by threats of splitting up, not talking etc.).

EDIT: Thank you all for opening my eyes from now on I won't agree on being accused of untrue things. And I'll also work on my communication skills.

Edited by needadvice111
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1 minute ago, needadvice111 said:

I agree to what you're saying about the wedding, I feel the same way. I trust her fully, I let her go everywhere with her friends and etc. I don't want any control on her life choices (I just give her my opinion on things she asks me about). But I never try to impact her decision by applying pressure that if she decides yes/no on something threating that it will hurt our relationship (like I feel she does). In my opinion in a couple you don't have to agree on everything, but you can't be mad over the things your loved one decides to do. (Like you listen to the opinion, but you don't have to follow it 100%).

I feel guarded because most of my decisions are doubted and I feel that she wants control over them (by threats of splitting up, not talking etc.).

Actually, she can be mad over anything she wants to. She's entitled to that. If she doesn't agree with you she can make that known and communicate that with you. You as her partner can determine whether it's reasonable or not for your sake and your future, whether you want to continue the relationship.

Both of you may be incompatible in the long run as the bickering is out of control and insecurity is too much to communicate about. Neither one of you need to be walking on eggshells or overexplaining your actions. If you feel your integrity is called into question or you aren't being trusted, you're with the wrong person.

 

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Actually, she can be mad over anything she wants to. She's entitled to that. If she doesn't agree with you she can make that known and communicate that with you. You as her partner can determine whether it's reasonable or not for your sake and your future, whether you want to continue the relationship.

Both of you may be incompatible in the long run as the bickering is out of control and insecurity is too much to communicate about. Neither one of you need to be walking on eggshells or overexplaining your actions. If you feel your integrity is called into question or you aren't being trusted, you're with the wrong person.

 

Thank you for all the time you dedicated for this. I really appreciate all your answers.

I was just going insane about this stuff and I never spoke about it with anyone since all of the people know her and I just didn't want them to have a bad opinion on her/the relationship.

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6 minutes ago, needadvice111 said:

I feel guarded because most of my decisions are doubted and I feel that she wants control over them (by threats of splitting up, not talking etc.).

That's called manipulation and emotional abuse.

 

20 minutes ago, needadvice111 said:

I guess I'm just afraid of breaking up and loosing the person I really care about.

There are limits though. You can't care about someone who can be toxic and controlling of you. There's a limit where you need to stop and let them go. You need to protect your heart, even if it means to let her go.

Imagine 5,10,15 years like this... afraid of speaking up and making you own decisions.

Nah man. Love is not enough for a solid relationship. There's compatibility, long term goals, reliability, safety, romance, chemistry, ect. And you're learning this the hard way. Or I hope you do.

This dynamic has ran its course sadly, and you guys seem to drag this on and on. But it just doesn't work anymore. You need to come to terms with that.

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1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

That's called manipulation and emotional abuse.

 

There are limits though. You can't care about someone who can be toxic and controlling of you. There's a limit where you need to stop and let them go. You need to protect your heart, even if it means to let her go.

Imagine 5,10,15 years like this... afraid of speaking up and making you own decisions.

Nah man. Love is not enough for a solid relationship. There's compatibility, long term goals, reliability, safety, romance, chemistry, ect. And you're learning this the hard way. Or I hope you do.

This dynamic has ran its course sadly, and you guys seem to drag this on and on. But it just doesn't work anymore. You need to come to terms with that.

Thank you for your response.

I agree that I'm being emotionally manipulated.
That's where the issue began, I used to go with it all. But now I started imagining how it would be building a family and as you say 5,10,15 years later, when I am now afraid of speaking up. Afraid of it because before saying anything I already assume that it will become an argument because she doesn't like it (not that I am planning on doing anything wrong).

And yes, I agree that we are dragging it on and on sadly. But it's really hard to let go (the "Or I hope you do." hits harder than you imagine.

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