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Me (24M) and my fiancee (24W). I feel like I can't take a step anywhere without consulting with her.


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I know. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I just hope you take a hard look at this, get yourself enough self-love and self-respect to say "Enough".

Your inner voice that believes in you brought you to this forum for help. So listen to it. You're on a good path if you listen to it and dial down on the fearful voices from your gf.

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Next time she threatens to break up with you because someone during your dog walk said hello and you didn't ask her if it was OK to say hello back, just say "OK". Don't beg, plead or apologize. She says she's breaking up, simply say "OK".

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9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Next time she threatens to break up with you because someone during your dog walk said hello and you didn't ask her if it was OK to say hello back, just say "OK". Don't beg, plead or apologize. She says she's breaking up, simply say "OK".

It's actually funny since once when we were going to the car parking I opened the door for her and there was another woman near and she also went through the open door. My fiancee got mad over it that I held the door for another woman. 

So by writing this you actually guessed how it works. 

I'll be sure to take all of your advice and next time this happens I won't agree with it.

I'll try to get all of my thoughts through and talk to her tomorrow about what I'm upset and if she is willing to change on it.

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Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, needadvice111 said:

I'll try to get all of my thoughts through and talk to her tomorrow about what I'm upset and if she is willing to change on it.

There is no talking over this.

From what you've listed, she's a "my way or the high way" kind of person. Just ask yourself if you are okay with her being her today.

Reality is... People don't change like this. She treats you the way she does willingly. And the only way for her to change her wiring is for her to realize she needs to do so by herself and suggest actions which she'll practice and follow through for months.

So you'll have to be walking on eggshells not knowing if you're wasting your time enjoying your life, getting yourself and self-confidence back, ect. For months While you figure out this fiasco.

But you care about her enough to discuss it. And that's okay. Let us know how it goes. Her reaction should tell you what you need to know. Feel free to update here!

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

There is no talking over this.

From what you've listed, she's a "my way or the high way" kind of person. Just ask yourself if you are okay with her being her today.

Reality is... People don't change like this. She treats you the way she does willingly. And the only way for her to change her wiring is for her to realize she needs to do so by herself and suggest actions which she'll practice and follow through for months.

So you'll have to be walking on eggshells not knowing if you're wasting your time enjoying your life, getting yourself and self-confidence back, ect. For months While you figure out this fiasco.

But you care about her enough to discuss it. And that's okay. Let us know how it goes. Her reaction should tell you what you need to know. Feel free to update here!

Thank you. I never expected to get so much replies. I'll be sure to post an update tomorrow. 

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10 minutes ago, needadvice111 said:

I'll try to get all of my thoughts through and talk to her tomorrow about what I'm upset and if she is willing to change on it.

You seem well thought out and deliberate. Those are good traits. Even if things end with this woman (she  seems a bit off the wall) you have insight that communication is a good thing with a good partner. It should lead to discussions/choices, not arguments. That's where this went sideways. She can't be approached without hysteria.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem well thought out and deliberate. Those are good traits. Even if things end with this woman (she  seems a bit off the wall) you have insight that communication is a good thing with a good partner. It should lead to discussions/choices, not arguments. That's where this went sideways. She can't be approached without hysteria.

That is what I tried to write up here. "It should lead to discussions/choices, not arguments." - This is what's lacking,  because as the other user said she is a "my way or the high way" person.

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2 hours ago, needadvice111 said:

Sorry for the passive voice I was just very angry about these situations. I

No need to apologize!! I was just observing that it showed to me that you're expressing that you feel like you can't assert yourself with her.  I don't like the breaking up threats - doesn't seem like a healthy way to communicate.  At all.

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There's a high likelihood that she is just as fed up or has one foot out the door on the relationship, OP. Both of you may be in the relationship, settling, and not thriving as a couple. 

If she wanted to change she would have done so or corrected her mistakes earlier but she hasn't. The pattern is one of jealousy and insecurity, and making you feel bad for holding doors open, being the best man at your best friend's wedding and using break up threats to get her way. 

This doesn't sound like a person who is interested any longer in the relationship so even if she does communicate to you that she'll change, only time will tell. You have already seen what she is as a person. You both may be so incompatible also that you bring out the absolute worst in one another. You failing to recognize that is being part of the problem if you can't walk away from someone who isn't a good fit for you.

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9 hours ago, needadvice111 said:

I feel that she wants control over them (by threats of splitting up, not talking etc.).

This is extremely damaging to a relationship. It's manipulative and emotionally abusive. 

I don't feel this is a communication problem at all. It's a problem with her bad attitude and lack of maturity. 

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I think the problem here is that your girlfriend is actually too controlling. Couples in relationships do need to consult each other about big decisions, e.g. getting a dog, buying a house, buying furniture. In terms of small things you don't need to "consult" her or get her permission. You just need to let her know what you're doing because you're in a relationship and it's good to be open about your plans.

For example, if you're going out with your friends, you can tell her and ask her to come with you but you don't need her permission to go. I think she's immature because if she doesn't want to go, she says you can't go either. She has a choice if to go or not, for example on a trip to Greece or to your friend's party. She is invited and welcome to join you in all these things. If she doesn't want to go that's her choice but she can't stop you. As an adult you're also allowed to have friends, hobbies and interests and have a life of your own.

It seems to me that she wants you to 100% do everything she does and follow every single opinion she has. Everything has to be about her. This is selfish. Compromise in a relationship is very important and she just doesn't want to compromise. Why does she even care if you went to a party with your friends if she doesn't want to go? Can't she be her own person and do something else instead at home or go out somewhere else?

You are not supposed to be joined to her like a Siamese twin. It's ridiculous to expect that if she's not going somewhere, you can't go. If she doesn't like something, you can't do it. Especially if those things aren't really about her. For example, you were asked to be a best man in your friend's wedding, of course you would accept. She's invited too so what is the problem? She sounds like a princess.

And to add to this behaviour, it's you who pays all the bills and rent and takes care of the dog. Does this girl also gave good qualities? A relationship is meant to be 80% or higher good and positive. If it's not then why be in it?

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She acts like a spoiled brat.  Is this how you want your life to be?  To always have to 'give in'?  To always have her pretty much tell you how it's going to be.. or else?

Darn right you can spend time with your friends ( and without her).  Does she not have her own friends?  If not, I wonder why...

My first ex always went out drinking. No, I didn't always tag along.  He'd go out w/ his bro in law. I wasn't there ( didn't want to be).  I'd hang out with the sis in law.

Yeah, I'm sure you are realizing a few things nowadays.  You're just not happy with this anymore. Then for sure do NOT even consider marriage.  You don't like her behaviour, I feel it's taking its toll on you.

So, is it time to admit this isn't working?  is it time she's told.. enough?

Get out of it, let her keep the darn dog ( unless she kicks a fuss about that - or doesn't pay it proper attention, then you offer to take it off her hands).

Either way, yeah, is maybe time to admit this just isn't working for you anymore. = incompatible.

And please don't let it drag on.  Say your piece and be done with it all.

I'm pretty sure, she'll beg, she'll probably kick up with her defenses & excuses - But, you are plenty aware already of how she is.  If she's been this way for this long, I don't see much changing or improving.

And don't let her lay guilt - as she will be upset, which is expected.  Often, when we have to end things, we should NOT agree to 'be friends'.  Its very hard to go 'backwards', after you've crossed that line. ( Just warning you off all possibilties and best way to approach this)...

 

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think the problem here is that your girlfriend is actually too controlling. Couples in relationships do need to consult each other about big decisions, e.g. getting a dog, buying a house, buying furniture. In terms of small things you don't need to "consult" her or get her permission. You just need to let her know what you're doing because you're in a relationship and it's good to be open about your plans.

For example, if you're going out with your friends, you can tell her and ask her to come with you but you don't need her permission to go. I think she's immature because if she doesn't want to go, she says you can't go either. She has a choice if to go or not, for example on a trip to Greece or to your friend's party. She is invited and welcome to join you in all these things. If she doesn't want to go that's her choice but she can't stop you. As an adult you're also allowed to have friends, hobbies and interests and have a life of your own.

It seems to me that she wants you to 100% do everything she does and follow every single opinion she has. Everything has to be about her. This is selfish. Compromise in a relationship is very important and she just doesn't want to compromise. Why does she even care if you went to a party with your friends if she doesn't want to go? Can't she be her own person and do something else instead at home or go out somewhere else?

You are not supposed to be joined to her like a Siamese twin. It's ridiculous to expect that if she's not going somewhere, you can't go. If she doesn't like something, you can't do it. Especially if those things aren't really about her. For example, you were asked to be a best man in your friend's wedding, of course you would accept. She's invited too so what is the problem? She sounds like a princess.

And to add to this behaviour, it's you who pays all the bills and rent and takes care of the dog. Does this girl also gave good qualities? A relationship is meant to be 80% or higher good and positive. If it's not then why be in it?

Thank you for your response. I agree in all of the points you have listed.

Edited by needadvice111
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3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

She acts like a spoiled brat.  Is this how you want your life to be?  To always have to 'give in'?  To always have her pretty much tell you how it's going to be.. or else?

Darn right you can spend time with your friends ( and without her).  Does she not have her own friends?  If not, I wonder why...

My first ex always went out drinking. No, I didn't always tag along.  He'd go out w/ his bro in law. I wasn't there ( didn't want to be).  I'd hang out with the sis in law.

Yeah, I'm sure you are realizing a few things nowadays.  You're just not happy with this anymore. Then for sure do NOT even consider marriage.  You don't like her behaviour, I feel it's taking its toll on you.

So, is it time to admit this isn't working?  is it time she's told.. enough?

Get out of it, let her keep the darn dog ( unless she kicks a fuss about that - or doesn't pay it proper attention, then you offer to take it off her hands).

Either way, yeah, is maybe time to admit this just isn't working for you anymore. = incompatible.

And please don't let it drag on.  Say your piece and be done with it all.

I'm pretty sure, she'll beg, she'll probably kick up with her defenses & excuses - But, you are plenty aware already of how she is.  If she's been this way for this long, I don't see much changing or improving.

And don't let her lay guilt - as she will be upset, which is expected.  Often, when we have to end things, we should NOT agree to 'be friends'.  Its very hard to go 'backwards', after you've crossed that line. ( Just warning you off all possibilties and best way to approach this)...

 

Thank you for the wise words. I will notify how it goes.

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She threatened to break up with you because you held the door open for a woman? Were you supposed to let it slam in that woman's face?

Look at how she is now. This is your life, forever, if you marry her.

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Posted (edited)

There are some things you can communicate with a partner for improvements to be made in a relationship, and give it time to see if improvement, in fact, is made.

In your situation, I wouldn't bother. Her mindset is too egregious and warped. To think that she has any say-so in your acceptance of being your buddy's best man shows complete disregard for your feelings. And when you held the door open for the other lady who happened to be behind your gf--this is extreme, over-the-top jealousy.

Healthy couples deal with run-of-the-mill improvements.

Your situation is not run-of-the-mill. Yours showcases the ugliness of a person's mind. You would have to own a magic wand to transform her into someone who has common sense, respects her partner, cares about his wants, needs, and emotions, and even puts him before herself when warranted.

Your relationship started in youth. Perhaps you were too young to see the red flags then, but now you're older and seeing this toxic pattern. Sure, you love her. But you could also love a gf who would be a million times more loving and satisfying, and someone you could look forward to growing old with, versus feeling like a stack of bricks is on your chest. The secret to finding your ideal partner is to be free, and then go through all the stages of mourning and healing, before you're ready to date again. Give yourself at least a year to be alone and find out who you are as an individual. It'll be hard to go no contact, when you're so used to having her around, but it will be crucial for you to move on.

If it were me, I'd begin to make my exit plans and would tell her, "This relationship no longer works for me."

Good luck.

Edited by Andrina
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Posted (edited)

You two started dating very young and along the road to maturity, you are entrenched in this unhealthy parent/child relationship.  But as nature would have it, children grow up.  What worked for you previously doesn't work any longer.

Relationships are built on compromise.  There will always be things you don't see eye to eye on, but you compromise until you reach an answer you both are ok with.  At times one person will acquiesce to the other, but it builds good will.  The fairness is remembered when the next challenge comes and you  remember your partners generosity.  You take turns acting in good faith to give each other what they want when there isn't a clear compromise. It as balance that goes both ways.

What you have here is a dictatorship.  Just curious what would happen if you didn't roll over to her threats.  You can respectfully tell her that you aren't willing to give in to her demand.  My guess is she is a lion with no teeth and won't actually leave.

We tend to not respect people who give away all of their power.  Respect begins with you.  You need to respect yourself enough to not allow anyone to bulldoze you the way she does.

You mention you were afraid to challenge her and lose her.  Sometimes it's perfectly ok to love someone and at the same recognize that you no longer bring out the best in each other and are better off separating.

Edited by reinventmyself
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