Embrace the Unpredictability

[kctiger]

Greetings all. I’ve done a lot of lurking on this forum the past few months, with hesitancy to post my own story as I was unsure how to articulate my feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. in a manner that resulted in productive discourse. I’m still not sure I know what I’m searching for while writing this. Part of me is looking for advice, another part looking to instill some hope in other people going through much tougher situations. Then, another part of me, is just looking to vent and obtain additional encouragement throughout this journey. 

My fiancé and I broke up in January, just four months before we were scheduled to get married. Our wedding date was scheduled for next weekend. We had moved in together in August of 2021 and the living situation really amplified the differences we have, which ultimately we both flat out refused to work on. There is around an 11 year age gap between us (me being the older man and her being the younger female). In the over four years since we started dating, we really did not see this age gap as a major obstacle and grew together as a couple. 

The breakup was a shock to me. I knew we were both unhappy but I didn’t think our unhappiness had reached an impasse. We had to live together for a couple weeks after we broke up while she searched for another apartment. We were both in a wedding together a week after we broke up, which was extremely difficult but we both handled it well, put on a happy face and acted like adults. The good news is that it was an extremely amicable breakup. I was her first love, but she has exhibited incredible self control throughout this process. While she initiated the breakup, I never argued with her, begged, pleaded, told her I’d change, or any other drastic action all of us have made in breakups. I’ve been through a devastating breakup before and I could write the book on doing really embarrassing, demoralizing actions to try and change her mind. I learned from that, so this time around I internalized my emotions and behaved as maturely  as I could when we she requested this breakup. 

So maybe the age gap was too much. She liked to go out and be social a lot more than me since she never really got to do that in her early twenties. She was much more introverted than me, less social and she grew into a more confident person while we were dating which sparked a greater desire to go out and experience life. I had “been there, done that” so I was more reluctant. I wasn’t very emotionally available to her either. Both of these played a major factor in our downfall. Most importantly, we simply did not communicate well enough and the problems simply compounded and metastasized as opposed to being worked through.  

There is probably a lot more information I could share, but I go back to the beginning of this post and realize I’m not entirely sure what my point is. More than anything, I’ve learned a lot about myself. The pain was incredible when she moved out. I’d come home to an empty apartment, the one we moved into together, and it flat out sucked. It was a reminder everyday of the failed relationship. We raised a puppy together and she took her with her when moving out, so not having the dog there to greet me when coming home from work, seeing the emptiness of the apartment when she took all the decor and other furniture, it was just brutal. Fast forward to almost four months later, and I have started to see the progress I’ve truly made. I go back and read the journal entries I made at the beginning and see the raw emotion, pain and anxiety of losing my family being poured out. I’m still the same guy who wrote those words, but I’m a different person. My primary focus throughout this entire process, and make no mistake, it’s a process, has been growth. What did I do to contribute to the downfall of this relationship? What do I need to focus on going forward to be a better romantic partner? This is what motivated me to push forward, keep my head up, and not succumb to the overwhelming hurt of losing my partner. 

I’d be lying if I said there aren’t still bad days. I see a lot of posts on here about humans going through incredibly rough situations and I can feel their anxiety and emotional pain through the computer screen. I empathize with you all. I know it’s hard and I continue to battle through the journey. Some times I breakdown with memories of us together and that’s ok. I still have dreams of us, and that’s natural. I still watch those ridiculous “Get my Ex” back YouTube videos because there is actually some advice these dating and reconciliation coaches offer that is valid. It is mind blowing how an entire niche market has been created to capitalize on vulnerable people desperate to get their ex back. Take it from me people, please do not do anything rash and do not spend money on the promises of these coaches.

Where do I go from here? I keep moving forward. I keep focusing on myself and also keep trying to be a positive influence to complete strangers on this forum. I still love my ex, still miss our relationship, and would have liked to work out our issues together. She doesn’t feel the same way, and that’s fine. I accept her feelings and wish her nothing but happiness. I hope all of you going through a breakup can eventually get to that point as well. Next weekend is our wedding date and I was so looking forward to seeing this beautiful women, beautiful person, inside and out, come down the aisle in her dress. That was not in life’s cards. I have no idea what is going to happen in my future, but that’s finally starting to excite me. Good luck to you all! 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, kctiger said:

Take it from me people, please do not do anything rash and do not spend money on the promises of these coaches.

Sorry this happened. It's better to call off a wedding than get divorced, given all the incompatibilities.

This is great advice for others. Yes the "get your ex back" scams prey on the brokenhearted

[kctiger]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's better to call of a wedding than get divorced, given all the incompatibilities.

This is great advice for others. Yes the "get your ex back" scams prey on the brokenhearted

Wholeheartedly agree with this. Had we gotten married, bought a house, had kids, the situation would have been much, much worse. No shame in admitting it just wasn’t meant to be. 

[Lambert]

Beautiful. 

Keep on keeping on... I, along with many of us, that have found our way to this forum, probably could write something similar. A prose about loss, acceptance and the journey that is life. 

I think for me, once I started to realize we're never really done until we're dead. haha. I don't know what happens after that... but it's the journey and getting real with ourselves. That's right,  your life is totally about you. 

I'm sorry for all you've been through but I think you know,  there's more to the story.  Maybe this loss and it's lessons are setting you up for a better life ahead. 

At least that's how I chose to see things.  onward and upward. 

What you going to do next weekend? 

[kctiger]

8 minutes ago, Lambert said:

What you going to do next weekend? 

Thanks for your kind words! Good question. I’m not sure what I’ll do, but I know what I won’t do. I won’t allow myself to be overwhelmed with sadness the entire weekend. I think I’ll treat myself to something special. What that is, I don’t know yet, but I deserve to pamper myself!! 😂

In truth, we all deserve a little pampering every now and then. Go easy on yourselves people, it’s a tough life and you’re doing the best you can. 

[Kwothe28]

42 minutes ago, kctiger said:

What did I do to contribute to the downfall of this relationship? What do I need to focus on going forward to be a better romantic partner? This is what motivated me to push forward, keep my head up, and not succumb to the overwhelming hurt of losing my partner. 

While its OK to ask and do better, thing is, sometimes stuff just dont work out. You could have been a perfect partner and still not mash up good with the other side. By the sounds of things(age gap, not getting along when you lived together), its just the case of that. People dont have to be the perfect partners. As long as they find a person who they get along and can make the mutual life together. But its good that you can reflect if you feel that there is a room for improvement and for example to "weed out" some bad behaviors if you had them.

Anyway, good luck. And sorry about the doggo. You should have fight for him. 😢

[kctiger]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

While its OK to ask and do better, thing is, sometimes stuff just dont work out. You could have been a perfect partner and still not mash up good with the other side. By the sounds of things(age gap, not getting along when you lived together), its just the case of that. People dont have to be the perfect partners. As long as they find a person who they get along and can make the mutual life together. But its good that you can reflect if you feel that there is a room for improvement and for example to "weed out" some bad behaviors if you had them.

Anyway, good luck. And sorry about the doggo. You should have fight for him. 😢

You bring up very valid points. While it’s easy for me to sit here and nitpick my “flaws”, there’s also a reason I didn’t try hard enough to keep the relationship afloat. Could it be that I just wasn’t as into the relationship as I was in the beginning? That’s a very real possibility. As you stated, sometimes it’s as easy as saying we just weren’t right for each other long term. Again, there is no shame in admitting that. 

As for the pup, truthfully her father bought her the dog so I had no real claim to her. I purchased another puppy two months ago and she’s been a blessing. So there are positives already emerging from the breakup. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, kctiger said:

So maybe the age gap was too much. She liked to go out and be social a lot more than me since she never really got to do that in her early twenties. She was much more introverted than me, less social and she grew into a more confident person while we were dating which sparked a greater desire to go out and experience life. I had “been there, done that” so I was more reluctant. I wasn’t very emotionally available to her either. Both of these played a major factor in our downfall. Most importantly, we simply did not communicate well enough and the problems simply compounded 

There's a high likelihood she sensed you were increasingly removed or annoyed by her lifestyle and confidence. Why was it that her desire to go out caused you to draw back? Do you look down on that lifestyle or think less of individuals who lead an active life? Resentment might have caused you to close off and eventually become emotionally unavailable or not as present in the relationship. 

 

 

[kctiger]

17 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

There's a high likelihood she sensed you were increasingly removed or annoyed by her lifestyle and confidence. Why was it that her desire to go out caused you to draw back? Do you look down on that lifestyle or think less of individuals who lead an active life? Resentment might have caused you to close off and eventually become emotionally unavailable or not as present in the relationship. 

 

 

I lead an active lifestyle myself, so I don’t think I looked down on her by any means. I encouraged her to go out, but I didn’t always want to join her when she did go out. Most of this revolved around doing activities during the week. I am a highly habitual person. So Monday thru Thursday, I pretty much have a routine where I rarely want to do much at night because I’m in “work” mode, so to speak. I have made an incredibly stupid habit of putting my career over my romantic partners and I am working on eliminating that. While this has led me to a successful career, obviously I have work to do in my personal life. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. We worked together for several years as well, so a lot of her friends were people I supervised (or formally supervised). I was very reluctant to socialize with people whose careers I had a major role in molding and I also knew some of her friends had very negative views on the firm I still work for so I wanted to distance myself from that negativity. But I believe you are right, I’m sure all this manifested itself into what she could only sense as resentment. 

As far as being emotionally unavailable, I think there’s a lot to unpack there. I didn’t put much stock into attachment styles previously, but if I had to pigeon hole myself into one, I’d say I’m an avoidant. I don’t like talking about myself, my past or showing much vulnerability. It’s uncomfortable to me as I equate being independent to not letting people too close to me. A big part of me was afraid she wouldn’t love me if she saw my vulnerable side. I’m just not good at allowing myself to open up and I realize I need to explore that more to figure out how I can become more available for my next partner. 

[catfeeder]

28 minutes ago, kctiger said:

While it’s easy for me to sit here and nitpick my “flaws”, there’s also a reason I didn’t try hard enough to keep the relationship afloat. Could it be that I just wasn’t as into the relationship as I was in the beginning?

Great work, and excellent observation.

I don't believe that finding 'flaws' or 'fault' is productive, because breakups don't require a villain.

You raise an important contrast between your interest at the start versus the end of the relationship. I do think it's been useful for me to identify crucial things I was willing to overlook at the beginning of my relationships that would become problems later.

For instance, you said you didn't see a problem with the age gap, but then you raise that you were essentially in different stages of life, where she was social and you were settled.

That's not a 'flaw' in either of you, but looking at that stuff early when seeking a good match can help you screen out perfectly lovely and loving people that just won't be compatible with you regardless of how fabulous 'dating' them might have otherwise been.

None of this is criticism, it's practical. It has prevented me from focusing like a laser beam on the internal dynamics of the relationship itself as some 'failure', rather than building confidence in my life skills and judgment going forward when it comes to seeking a new partner. I can allow most perfectly wonderful people to pass early, because I can identify my own dealbreakers that are NOT flexible in my future.

Head high, and write more if it helps. Wishing you enjoyment of next weekend as you reclaim it as a private milestone.

 

[Rose Mosse]

4 minutes ago, kctiger said:

I lead an active lifestyle myself, so I don’t think I looked down on her by any means. I encouraged her to go out, but I didn’t always want to join her when she did go out. Most of this revolved around doing activities during the week. I am a highly habitual person. So Monday thru Thursday, I pretty much have a routine where I rarely want to do much at night because I’m in “work” mode, so to speak. I have made an incredibly stupid habit of putting my career over my romantic partners and I am working on eliminating that. While this has lead me to a successful career, obviously I have work to do in my personal life. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. We worked together for several years as well, so a lot of her friends were people I supervised (or formally supervised). I was very reluctant to socialize with people whose careers I had a major role in molding and I also knew some of her friends had very negative views on the firm I still work for so I wanted to distance myself from that negativity. 

As far as being emotionally unavailable, I think there’s a lot to unpack there. I didn’t put much stock into attachment styles previously, but if I had to pigeon hole myself into one, I’d say I’m an avoidant. I don’t like talking about myself, my past or showing much vulnerability. It’s uncomfortable to me as I equate being independent to not letting people too close to me. A big part of me was afraid she wouldn’t love me if she saw my vulnerable side. I’m just not good at allowing myself to open up and I realize I need to explore that more to figure out how I can become more available for my next partner. 

You have good insight and I agree with you it's best to keep work colleagues or people you've supervised at a distance. You both worked together also so that boundary has been crossed, frankly. It's the risk you took dating someone in that realm. It's possible also that her being related to work or someone you work/ed with had an effect on how vulnerable you could be around her. You may not want to date someone you know professionally in future. It may not be about attachment styles but you maintaining your boundaries and eventually realizing it wasn't sustainable in the long run. If we are talking about attachment styles I think they're heavily influenced by what roles people play in our lives and how we know them, from where.

Someone who is removed from that may have allowed you to be more relaxed or comfortable, vulnerable. I think of independence or freedom as having good boundaries in place and being able to mediate or work through difficult relationships within limits. We all need a shoulder to cry on and good friends to lean on when there is crisis. Being vulnerable isn't a one way street and we can be there for others too. Was she vulnerable enough around you, for you? 

It's better to explore these rather than push the reasons aside for why there wasn't enough communication or emotional engagement between the two of you.

[kctiger]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Was she vulnerable enough around you, for you? 

Yes, she was, or at least a lot more than I was for her. She is a very open person, however one thing we did recognize when doing the Catholic marriage prep courses was that she really has trouble communicating when she’s upset. So she was extremely adverse to conflict, which meant if she wasn’t happy with my behavior, she internalized that rather than communicating to me what she needed. 

Now is that me putting fault on her? Absolutely not. I knew she wasn’t happy and I could have just as easily flat out asked her what was causing her unhappiness. I didn’t. It’s easy for me to Monday morning quarterback this relationship, and a lot of that is done to help myself understand what can I do better moving forward. 

[Rose Mosse]

When something is wrong in a relationship, I tend to think it's really on the person feeling that unease to bring it to the other person's attention. And to trust in that firmly or have faith in that level of communication. The other person doesn't need to be walking on eggshells and asking what's wrong unless there's something very out of the ordinary happening or some unknown emergency. In your case I don't think you needed to have drawn it out of her. 

She may have been adverse to conflict thinking that anything said differently would be negated, shot down or discredited. Or worse, be faced with aggression or resentment. That's on her to work through and find her voice again or to distance herself from those kinds of interactions. Healthy communication involves two people, not one guessing or making up for the inadequacies of someone else. 

Either way, I'm glad you're deciding to move forward and also learn from the experience.

 

 

[boltnrun]

I think your approach is a good one.

When my (toxic) ex dumped me I did so many things that were to my own detriment, mainly by attempting to be what I thought he wanted so he'd want to come back to me.  Time and distance has shown me that I don't want to be what he wants.  I want to be who I am, not turn myself into someone a toxic person desires.

I'm happy to read you got your own little puppy friend.  What a great decision!  My senior kitty passed away a few months ago.  I haven't wanted to start new with another kitty but I know I will someday.

Maybe take Puppy to a dog park next weekend and have conversations with the other dog owners?  Just to be a bit social and remind yourself there's a whole big world out there full of interesting people.

[Batya33]

I’m so sorry this happened. Around 25 years ago I was engaged.  We planned our wedding for November so the total engagement would be about 4-5 months. We’d been dating a couple of years. Early 30s. We moved in together two months before the wedding as it was practical to do so.  That’s not why we broke up. I just had core shaking doubts.  Didn’t feel right. I marched along planning this large wedding. I hated a lot of the planning. Maybe partly because of my doubts.
 

 2 months or so before the wedding we took a “break” and he moved out. But it was really a break up. A month later we broke up cancelled the wedding and I gave him the ring back. Then I wanted him bsck. I missed him. He said no.

 

That it would be exciting and romantic but short term as same issues would resurface. 7.5 years later after sporadic mostly impersonal contact by email a few times a year and one really quick dinner after 5 years we met for dinner and sparks flew.

 

We’d both changed a lot. changed in actually different ways in different facets of our lives. So that now we were compatible and had chemistry and passion. So that any doubts or jitters were infrequent and resolvable not core shaking.
We’ve been married 13 years and have a son. Is it perfect? No. Is it work ? Yes sometimes. Is it because of our past issues ? No.  I can say I’ve never in the past 16 years had core shaking doubts. I’ve been frustrated at times and angry and my commitment to him and us and our family is steadfast.  Our story is unusual.  It’s not shared to give you hope of reconciliation.  Had we gotten bsck together when I wanted to it would have been a disaster and may have destroyed any chance of being married now.  

But you really do need the whole package to make a go of it IMO.  If you discovered you’re very different people so that you’re incompatible yes you have to let it go for now.

I would not stay in close touch and not have contact now.  I do wonder if she gets out there and has her so called freedom if she’ll realize it doesn’t feel that free. Or something.
But see if she contacts you and make sure it’s not in a month or so so it’s not a knee jerk I miss you and this partying thing got old sort of motivation.  Good luck and I’m sorry. 

[kctiger]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you really do need the whole package to make a go of it IMO.  If you discovered you’re very different people so that you’re incompatible yes you have to let it go for now.

I would not stay in close touch and not have contact now.  I do wonder if she gets out there and has her so called freedom if she’ll realize it doesn’t feel that free. Or something.
But see if she contacts you and make sure it’s not in a month or so so it’s not a knee jerk I miss you and this partying thing got old sort of motivation.  Good luck and I’m sorry. 

Initially all I could think about was reconciliation. I was alone, in this big apartment, and it felt like my family was taken away. Selfishly, I wanted the immediate gratification of getting her back but I stuck to my rationale thought of leaving her alone and reflecting on what went wrong. That’s pretty much what I’ve done since January, when we broke up. We’ve spoken briefly via text a couple times since then, but it’s been very surface level conversation, albeit cordial. 

I know she has no interest in reconciling with me at this point (that’s what her actions tell me).  I’ve accepted that there may never be reconciliation. Even if there was, and as you mention in your situation, serious change and growth needs to happen for both of us. And that does not happen overnight. It takes months, or even years, to really grow from experiences. 

Will we ever reconnect? No one knows that and I’m certainly in no position now to be in a relationship. I’m more focused on positive growth within myself and truly understanding what it is I want and need in a partner. Again, I was her first boyfriend, first love, first everything so I’m not entirely sure what her perspective looks like at this point, however I am certain she remains resolute in her original desire to end the relationship and move forward without me in her life. All I can do is respect her decision and let the cards fall where they may. Thank you very much for sharing your story!! God bless. 

[LootieTootie]

One day at a time... Breakups are hard but there's light at the end of the tunnel. 

My husband always said, 'nothing more dangerous than a single guy at the dog park with a cute little pup to get all the ladies to swarm over.' 😄

[kctiger]

6 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

One day at a time... Breakups are hard but there's light at the end of the tunnel. 

Very true. The key is putting one foot in front of another, intentionally at first, until it becomes habit and you start to remember how to function as a single person again. And that's where I'm getting to, finally. 

As stated, it's a journey with ups and downs. I started feeling sad last night even when the majority of the day I was completely normal with no negative feelings. I will say, it is extremely impressive how much self control she's exhibited throughout this process. I remember when I lost my first love and holy cow I was a mess. I did the desperate calling, texting and pleading. Granted, I didn't initiate the breakup in either of these scenarios so it's abundantly clear she had already begun processing the breakup long before we officially ended things (in this most recent breakup and the "big" first love breakup I had). 

Officially the start of what would have been my wedding week. Focusing on the positive as much as I can, and there is a lot of positive to be celebrated. I'm almost 40 now, so the lingering thoughts creep in of whether or not I'll ever get married. Yikes. 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, kctiger said:

Officially the start of what would have been my wedding week. Focusing on the positive as much as I can, and there is a lot of positive to be celebrated. I'm almost 40 now, so the lingering thoughts creep in of whether or not I'll ever get married. Yikes. 

I can relate.  My future husband and I started dating right around my 39th bday. He was almost 39.  We both wondered the same thing as far as would we ever marry/become parents. Several of our friends married "late" and honestly with mixed results - a few divorces, a few happy marriages (meaning that the sort of cliche about marrying late/more mature/more success -not necessarily I guess!).  For me it was better to become a parent later because I see all around me moms in their 20s and 30s who clamor to keep having active nighttime social lives, want all the adventures I "been there done that" in my teens/20s/30s -I don't feel "more mature" just feel comfy with the memories I have of my active and fun nighttime social life for decades, the singles resorts etc. 

I had tons of responsibilities as a single person despite the cliche of "crazy single life" that was thrown in my face by certain smug married acquaintances - and I don't find marriage/motherhood to be "more" just "different" responsibilities. 

So if you do want to be a parent it actually will be a positive I think to have been there/done that and not have FOMO when your freedom to come and go as you please (unless you have family help -we did not -or have/want a nanny -we did not) is restricted in a number of ways.  Good luck and hope today is better.  Please don't compare how you grieve/separate to how she does.  Everyone is individual.

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, kctiger said:

Focusing on the positive as much as I can, and there is a lot of positive to be celebrated. 

Yes, stay focused on bettering your life and making better decisions also about whom you choose in your life. Think about compatibility long term. This hurt from the break up will fade.

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, kctiger said:

Officially the start of what would have been my wedding week. Focusing on the positive as much as I can, and there is a lot of positive to be celebrated. I'm almost 40 now, so the lingering thoughts creep in of whether or not I'll ever get married. Yikes. 

Maybe stop marking this times in your head... start of wedding week, wedding weekend, wedding day, first anniversary,  would have been 25th anniversary... 

When we start these counts, it's hard to stop and it is a way of keeping a non-event an event in your mind.  when you think of it, change your thought.  start blurring it in your mind.  was it this weekend? maybe it last weekend? 

Ps... I may never marry either.  it's not the end of the world. Be happy anyway! try not to dwell on it... you never know.  lightening could struck! 

[kctiger]

22 hours ago, Lambert said:

Maybe stop marking this times in your head... start of wedding week, wedding weekend, wedding day, first anniversary,  would have been 25th anniversary... 

Thanks for your kind reply. I don't typically think of anniversaries, birthdays, etc. nor do I put in a countdown of special days. The wedding was a little different due to the time we spent together planning, marriage prep sessions, food tasting and all that other stuff. It's a major milestone that I hadn't experienced before so the emotions of all that just hit a little harder. 

But I'm trying not to dwell and doing my best to focus on what I have in my life as opposed to what I no longer have. 

[Lambert]

7 hours ago, kctiger said:

But I'm trying not to dwell and doing my best to focus on what I have in my life as opposed to what I no longer have

I think that's the best you can do.  Sometimes life is sad or disappointing or even scary. I think focusing on the good things makes a difference. because honestly, no one has it so great they don't feel bad or sad or scared sometimes.. It's just life. hang in there!

[wealthydior]

I congratulate you for having the courage to share these. I’m sorry you lost the woman you still love, but love is not enough. I’m sure you’ll find your happy ending with someone who can’t even think of leaving, let alone breaking up with you.

[gamon]

I'm going through a breakup now, 1 week into it. She's 7 years younger than me, and she's the official dumper although I had unmet needs in the relationship as well.

My main issue was she put on a lot of weight and I was no longer attracted to her and didn't want sex anymore. She felt rejected, hurt, and said I don't love her unconditionally.

She's all about family, I'll never get married again, she likes to socialize (lots of similarities here) and I'm just not big on wild parties. She likes opera and to go out to listen to jazz, I like to stay home listen to 80s rock or go to stock car races.

We grew apart over 10 years, and I could have kept going the way we were although she was miserable and told me all the ways I feel short of her relationship expectations. I made some attempts to change but I'm almost 60 and there's only so much change I can or will do.

So she ended it and I agreed it's for the best. No begging and pleading from me to get back together in fact I'm really not even all that emotional about it which is rather surprising.