New Relationship (kinda)

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Just because she doesn't want to date you doesn't mean she "has issues". She just isn't interested in you as a romantic partner.

I think you got way ahead of yourself in this situation. You refer to meeting her and hanging out a couple of times as a "new relationship" when it really wasn't. She's someone your friends introduced you to, who you spent a few hours with in person and exchanged a lot of messages with. She may have thought in the beginning there was potential but then realized she didn't have the right kind of feelings for you. That isn't an "issue". It's her being honest with you.

I understand you're deeply disappointed. But in time you'll realize she was right in being honest with you. You'll dust yourself off and get back out there and meet other young women. 

That's exactly how I see this situation as well. You don't need to turn off your feelings.  Let them exist.  You simply have to choose not to react by interacting with her.

[thelogride]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You are responsible for yourself. It doesn't work to tell another person that you don't want to do something and expect them to babysit you and make sure you don't do it. 

Your actions speak otherwise, as you've been living in the friendzone for at least three weeks. Complaining doesn't take you out of the friendzone.

I wouldn't bet on it. You're making a spectacle of yourself and she's politely letting you do it. I doubt she'll give it much thought if you decide to take your ball and go home.

I disagree completely. I’m not making a spectacle of myself when she’s the one contacting me as well to talk for hours on end. I do agree with you that if I leave completely then she will be fine fine, however, she’s very upset on both occasions when I dipped out. That’s what leads me to think she just wants me around to fill the void. I’m sure since last night she’s probably found someone else to fill my place. Not sure how girls always seem to have guys lined up but it seems to be the case more often than not. 

[MissCanuck]

OP, you're taking this way more seriously than she is. I guarantee it. 

This is a woman you've met, what, one time? 

I would stop worrying so much about her, and instead reflect a lot more on why you're so deep in your feelings for a woman that you barely know. The way you talk, it would appear (to the uninformed observer) that you dated her for a while. But in reality, you chatted with her a bit and met only once. Somewhere along the way, you created and let yourself get attached to a fantasy version of this. 

 

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, thelogride said:

she just wants me around to fill the void.

What void? Why does there have to be a void? 

[thelogride]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, you're taking this way more seriously than she is. I guarantee it. 

This is a woman you've met, what, one time? 

I would stop worrying so much about her, and instead reflect a lot more on why you're so deep in your feelings for a woman that you barely know. The way you talk, it would appear (to the uninformed observer) that you dated her for a while. But in reality, you chatted with her a bit and met only once. Somewhere along the way, you created and let yourself get attached to a fantasy version of this. 

 

Yes, and I know you’re right. I don’t understand why or how I did this to myself to allow for me to get so caught up on the idea of someone. She showed me the same feelings back at first and I took it and ran with it. I can say I’m definitely in love with the idea of her and what I envisioned, not so much her herself since we hardly have hung out. To me it shows a lack of self love, lunging at the opportunity to find someone who cares and loves you. I’m not sure, really have no clue how I let this happen. 

[boltnrun]

I reread your OP. For some reason I thought you two had gone out on a few dates but you never did, just one group hangout with your friends. And she declined your invitation for a date.

So to call this a "new relationship" isn't really accurate.

Why do you think you're so eager to latch onto any woman who comes along, even before you meet in person? Is there something in your life that you want a girlfriend to distract you from? 

You're young, so it's not like this woman was your last chance or something. 

Don't you think if you met someone new, they would then become the focus of your attention and thoughts?

[thelogride]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I reread your OP. For some reason I thought you two had gone out on a few dates but you never did, just one group hangout with your friends. And she declined your invitation for a date.

So to call this a "new relationship" isn't really accurate.

Why do you think you're so eager to latch onto any woman who comes along, even before you meet in person? Is there something in your life that you want a girlfriend to distract you from? 

You're young, so it's not like this woman was your last chance or something. 

Don't you think if you met someone new, they would then become the focus of your attention and thoughts?

Yes, I do think that would be the case and I believe this military lady proves that. I latched onto the thought of her and then when this new girl came along I completely forgot about the previous girl and this became my sole focus. I would assume if a new girl meandered in that I would probably get the same way about them too and forget about this current girl. I have deeper issues somewhere, I don’t know why I latch on like this.. what I can say is I don’t necessarily care about how much money I have or how many nice things I have, I just want somebody who cares about me just as much as I care about them to spend my life with. I wouldn’t think that’s too much to ask for but it’s hard to find someone it seems. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I just want somebody who cares about me just as much as I care about them to spend my life with. I wouldn’t think that’s too much to ask for but it’s hard to find someone it seems. 

Yes it's hard and there are never ever any guarantees -accept that.  What you're asking for is a tall order - there's nothing "just" about it as you put it - and of course it can happen!  You've just been getting in your own way of it happening.  

[boltnrun]

Your chances will decrease if you continue to latch onto women you haven't even met yet.

You have no way of knowing how a relationship with that person would work in the real world. Messaging for hours doesn't equal love relationship compatibility. I message a few of my friends for hours. That doesn't mean I belong in a romantic relationship with all of them.

Do you want the right woman for you? A woman who would be a great match for you? Or do you just want a human female you can slap the label "girlfriend" on?

[thelogride]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your chances will decrease if you continue to latch onto women you haven't even met yet.

You have no way of knowing how a relationship with that person would work in the real world. Messaging for hours doesn't equal love relationship compatibility. I message a few of my friends for hours. That doesn't mean I belong in a romantic relationship with all of them.

Do you want the right woman for you? A woman who would be a great match for you? Or do you just want a human female you can slap the label "girlfriend" on?

I understand what you’re saying and it does makes sense. I want someone who’s right for me and not just anybody that I can call my girlfriend. But I think the distinction here is when the feelings are reciprocated. Yes we talked via phone and text but it was for hours on end and it wasn’t just friendly talk. It was flirty and borderline romantic on both ends. So that’s what made me so attached, because I liked talking to this girl and we really did connect. Even though she says we aren’t a match there’s no true way to know that unless you get to know someone, but she clearly had a change of mind in the middle of everything, which isn’t unreasonable by any means. She can feel how she feels just like I can. I can’t control her into anything. The biggest thing here is that there’s a girl who was genuinely interested in me and loved talking to me and thought I was attractive and more… and I got way ahead of myself thinking “omg, this could be the one!” And then everything plays out and it turns out it was nothing but a waste of time and mental energy. I’ve talked to other girls like this before and haven’t been attached to them, so it’s not like I do this to everyone, but this also isn’t the first time it’s happened either. I’m just ready to find someone genuine and settle down. I’m over the games and all that stuff. 

[Jibralta]

36 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I just want somebody who cares about me just as much as I care about them to spend my life with.

If this is what you want then you have to listen when someone says she's not interested and stop revising her statements with what you (or your friends!) think is evidence to the contrary. That way, you can free yourself up for the next potential love interest and increase your chances of finding some one who is enthusiastic about being with you.

[boltnrun]

She declined to go on a date with you. For me that would have been the end, no matter how pissy she got about not being able to keep you on the phone wasting hours and hours.

Place less emphasis on messages and marathon phone conversations and more on in person interactions. As you've found, all that messaging leads nowhere. 

[thelogride]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She declined to go on a date with you. For me that would have been the end, no matter how pissy she got about not being able to keep you on the phone wasting hours and hours.

Place less emphasis on messages and marathon phone conversations and more on in person interactions. As you've found, all that messaging leads nowhere. 

I guess I’m having difficulty understanding why she would say she loved talking to me and thought I was attractive, yet not give me the proper chance. Doesn’t that not make sense to you all either? Does it have to make sense? This is really what I’m having difficulty understanding and accepting. In my mind, if you truly felt that way then you would give that person a real chance and see what happens. I never got that chance but was presumably led by signs pointing that direction, which is why I’m so down on myself. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I guess I’m having difficulty understanding why she would say she loved talking to me and thought I was attractive, yet not give me the proper chance. Doesn’t that not make sense to you all either? Does it have to make sense? This is really what I’m having difficulty understanding and accepting. In my mind, if you truly felt that way then you would give that person a real chance and see what happens. I never got that chance but was presumably led by signs pointing that direction, which is why I’m so down on myself. 

I told you the story about my friend AND about the guy I tried dating. I gave the second guy a "real chance" and it just wasn't there. I can't give you a concrete reason why. There were some things about his personality I found I didn't care much for, but that was pretty much the only thing I can point out. My friends thought I was nuts for ending it, but I couldn't see the point of continuing to date someone I wasn't really interested in.

No reason to be down on yourself. You gave it a shot, turns out she isn't the right one for you. Nothing wrong with you. It just wasn't a match.

[thelogride]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I told you the story about my friend AND about the guy I tried dating. I gave the second guy a "real chance" and it just wasn't there. I can't give you a concrete reason why. There were some things about his personality I found I didn't care much for, but that was pretty much the only thing I can point out. My friends thought I was nuts for ending it, but I couldn't see the point of continuing to date someone I wasn't really interested in.

No reason to be down on yourself. You gave it a shot, turns out she isn't the right one for you. Nothing wrong with you. It just wasn't a match.

I know not everyone clicks together and that’s why we have the power of free will to decide for ourselves. She did seem truly interested and then changed her mind, which IS fine I know but hard to understand. I know everyone keeps saying I did nothing wrong, but I can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough or I did something wrong. She said I’m such a great person and she loves talking to me and I’m so attractive, but when it came down to it we just aren’t a match and she’s not interested in dating. That is a valid answer I know, but hard to come to terms with. It’s something that I am coming to terms with and also something I’m taking a hard long look At myself in the mirror wondering how I can possibly have fallen for someone this hard that I barely know. 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I’m taking a hard long look At myself in the mirror wondering how I can possibly have fallen for someone this hard that I barely know. 

This is key.

It seems, despite you saying you want to meet the right woman, that you consider a woman to be "right" if she gives you a lot of attention in the form of messages and phone calls. You say you've communicated a lot with other women but didn't become fixated on them. Is that because they hadn't told you "no"? This woman declined a date with you, yet you still continue to feel attached to her. What is it about being told "no" that gets you so interested?

If you can find out why it's the ones you can't meet in person or date that get you so attached I think you'll be able to make better choices.

[thelogride]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is key.

It seems, despite you saying you want to meet the right woman, that you consider a woman to be "right" if she gives you a lot of attention in the form of messages and phone calls. You say you've communicated a lot with other women but didn't become fixated on them. Is that because they hadn't told you "no"? This woman declined a date with you, yet you still continue to feel attached to her. What is it about being told "no" that gets you so interested?

If you can find out why it's the ones you can't meet in person or date that get you so attached I think you'll be able to make better choices.

I was very interested well before she said no, and was devastated when she did say no. I guess it’s for the same reason I didn’t get attached to other girls that I’ve been with, I just wasn’t as interested as I thought and carried on my way. Looking back at some of these girls, they’re great people and sometimes I wish I would’ve given them a chance but didn’t. They’re now in relationships of their own and I’m happy for them, but at the time I wasn’t too interested. You could say this is the exact same thing with this girl and what she thinks of me. Just not interested. There’s just something about being showered with compliments and kind words and mutual respect that I can cling to quickly.. I’m not sure why. You’ll be happy to hear that I’ve been in contact with a therapist and am going to go back and try it out again. 

[boltnrun]

I'm glad you're going to be working with a therapist. I see a psychologist and she has been very helpful in getting me to see clearly. My issues are different but I still think it will be helpful.

I'm also glad you can see that it's possible for someone to be nice and pretty and sweet but not right for you, and to see that this woman probably thinks about you the same way. Just like my friend, he's a great guy and he's a nice looking man and he's a lot of fun but he's just not the right one for me.

[thelogride]

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm glad you're going to be working with a therapist. I see a psychologist and she has been very helpful in getting me to see clearly. My issues are different but I still think it will be helpful.

I'm also glad you can see that it's possible for someone to be nice and pretty and sweet but not right for you, and to see that this woman probably thinks about you the same way. Just like my friend, he's a great guy and he's a nice looking man and he's a lot of fun but he's just not the right one for me.

Can I ask you a more personal question about this guy that you refer to? You say all these nice things about him and your friends clearly think he’s the real deal.. how do you know what he has to offer you? Maybe he would care for you like no other guy on the earth, wouldn’t you want to give him a chance to see? And maybe you did give him a chance, I’m sorry if I’m missing information you’ve already given. 
 

the reason I ask this is because much like me where this girl thinks so highly of me and speaks that way to her friends, I feel like that would equate to wanting to give that person a legitimate chance to see where things can go. It’s like there’s all of these positive signs, yet not wanting to even go with it. It just doesn’t seem to make much sense to me, but that’s clearly what I don’t understand. 

[boltnrun]

I am not attracted to him. And I'm not going to lie to him and pretend I am. He deserves someone who is really into him, not someone who has to try to convince herself to get attracted to him.

I don't know why anyone would want someone who had to "try" to want to be with them.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, thelogride said:

the reason I ask this is because much like me where this girl thinks so highly of me and speaks that way to her friends, I feel like that would equate to wanting to give that person a legitimate chance to see where things can go.

She  thinks you're a wonderful person and probably are. However that doesn't equate to ready, willing or able to date or viewing you in BF sort of way.

[thelogride]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I am not attracted to him. And I'm not going to lie to him and pretend I am. He deserves someone who is really into him, not someone who has to try to convince herself to get attracted to him.

I don't know why anyone would want someone who had to "try" to want to be with them.

That’s fair, and I guess that proves not everyone is for everybody no matter how you put it. 

[thelogride]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

She  thinks you're a wonderful person and probably are. However that doesn't equate to ready, willing or able to date or viewing you in BF sort of way.

I like to think I’m wonderful 😉 I definitely know I have a big heart and wear it on my sleeve. I know whoever I end up with I’ll treat with unconditional love. If it’s meant to be it’ll be with anyone out there. 

[Batya33]

Boltnrun makes excellent points.  I’ll add that doctor Phil always said never ever try to convince someone to be with you. 
you’re analyzing something that defies analysis. Many people choose not to go on a first second third fourth date - sometimes a specific reason.  Sometimes just because. Sometimes it’s someone else. Sometimes it’s the dream of someone else.

You’re approaching this as if you deserve a second chance if someone isn’t into you after a date or a couple of dates because you’re a nice person and you are really into the person.  Doesn’t work that way. This is dating. Not a business interaction.  dating requires a thick skin.
The only reason I worked on my thick skin and put up with the disappointments and stress and frustration is because  I was in it for finding the right person to marry plus the opportunity to try for a biological child. (Or adopt as needed ). the many years of work and stress and some tears and pulling my hair out at times was worth it only because of the forever goal.
 I never ever felt angry or frustrated because a man decided not to ask me out again.  Never felt I somehow deserved another chance. There are no such entitlements in dating. I was subject to men who persisted and were angry with me. One of them harassed me on email after thanking me for my honesty for saying no to a third date and explaining it was because I wasn’t feeling chemistry.
 

Then he was really angry that I’d talked with him on the phone an hour at a time over about a weeks time. On reflection he thought I’d led him on. And sent me email after email venting at me.  quite unhinged and scary. Then he apologized and wanted to be friends.  (Nope) 

Then my future husband called me “hey you know how we were going to meet for a quick dinner while I’m in town ?  Well tonight works all of a sudden - want to meet?”  My thought : yes!!! Because if you have dinner with an ex fiancé he probably won’t ask about dating life. Sparks flew.  One month later we got back together.  See how randomly it can happen ??  I was shocked at the sparks and he was too. And I was a little surprised I felt nothing for Unhinged Dude but it was partly because on our second date he was creepily clingy.  
good luck to you !

[Batya33]

Just now, thelogride said:

I like to think I’m wonderful 😉 I definitely know I have a big heart and wear it on my sleeve. I know whoever I end up with I’ll treat with unconditional love. If it’s meant to be it’ll be with anyone out there. 

But perhaps be a bit more selective and also show you care by caring for yourself and by giving someone space when it’s clear they don’t want what you want. Letting her talk to you for hours was partly caring.  And mostly to try to convince her by talking and talking that she should date you.