A possible another shot?

[sleepytime]

I will be brief, so I went on a date with a girl it went very well however I think I went rather too fast for her.. because she said I feel like we have so much more to talk about.. so I went about starting to planning for the next date until I get a text saying she didn't have a romantic connection with me.. It was hard to take in.. and I think she didn't respond for a few days. When she saw me in person she apologized for not talking. Later on that day we started texting again.. So fast forward today I ended up going to her job to have lunch I ended up staying for about 2 1/2 hours and I felt like this time us talking had a lot more substance than the first date.. I know we had better laughs here.. now she did bring up a guy that dated her once and how he moved to fast in which I chimed in and said I moved a little too fast as well and she agreed.. however she told me that she likes to be friends first before getting serious.

I don't know for me it kinda seemed like shes still has a attraction but if I was given another shot I'd have to really slow down.. Before I left she gave me a nice hug with both arms vs the last time I went which was just a side hug.. However when I do talk to her I do feel like shes not really 100% sure what she wants but I could be wrong.

[Kwothe28]

Slow down to what? To be friends for months before she tells you the same thing?

I am sorry, it doesnt work like that. If she doesnt see the romantic connection, she is most likely never gona see it. Friendship? Sure, she maybe likes your company. Romance? No. When they decide to put you in the infamous "friendzone" you will never going to get out of there. She is already talking to you about the other guys she dated.

Meanwhile you will possibly lose months. On some girl that already told you there isnt romantic connection. While you could spend that time finding the one who would actually reciprocitate your feelings. Respect yourself and move on from there. You cant be friends because you want more. And you will probably never be more. 

[bluecastle]

Can you describe what "too fast" looked like on the first date? And how did this run-in at her work come about today? Did she ask you to swing by once you resumed texting, or did you choose to swing by? I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of all this. 

That said, the moment someone says they're not feeling a romantic connection is generally the moment when you take the hit with grace, dust off and move on, rather than continue to pursue and/or hover about the periphery nursing hopes. I can only speak for myself, but when I've said those words to people they are final. Doesn't mean I won't continue to be friendly, or be open to friendship. But romance? No. 

In your shoes, I wouldn't read much into the banter today, the two-armed hug. That's kind of grasping at straws. My guess here is she was being nice and that part of the reason it was lighter is that she's made her disinterest clear to you. Not what you want to hear, I know, but I'm thinking your time and energy is likely better spent elsewhere. 

[Rose Mosse]

She’s not interested. 

If she wants to make an effort she knows where you are. I wouldn’t pay any visits to her work or ask her out again after she’s told you she doesn’t have any romantic spark or connection with you. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, sleepytime said:

 I get a text saying she didn't have a romantic connection with me.. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately one and done dates are more common than not.

Once someone mentions a line like this, it's important to determine if you want to waste time in the friendzone.

If you want to be friends fine, but it sounds like you are looking for a GF not a textbuddy.

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, sleepytime said:

However when I do talk to her I do feel like shes not really 100% sure what she wants but I could be wrong.

I think you should err on the side of caution. She told you she didn't feel a romantic connection with you. If her feelings have changed since then, they haven't changed a lot because now she's got the "friends first" buffer up. She could exist in that state of quasi-semi-attraction indefinitely. I certainly have. Sometimes it's just not enough.

[jazz_lover]

Yeah "moving too fast" and "friends first" aren't things that women usually say to men they are romantically interested in. And she has already told you she doesn't feel a romantic connection. So I find it difficult to believe this could go anywhere.

Also things should be mutual. Unless you were all over her on the first date (and you don't seem like that type) you shouldn't have to slow down or accept a friendship and wait patiently in the hope one day she will want more. It won't be much fun because you will have to hide your romantic interest and you will always be worrying about going too fast and that will make it difficult to be natural and yourself and instead you will be walking on eggshells worrying that one false move will see you rejected again. 

There are plenty of women out there who will want to date you, will feel a romantic connection, and will find your pace totally acceptable. 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

She likes talking with you and she has no romantic attraction to you at this time.  She knows that you do so I'm sure if she changed her mind she'd reach out -if she's comfortable hanging out with you she's not shy so I'd leave it at that.  Don't show up at her work again though IMO.

[DarkCh0c0]

Please listen to the above advice. Most of it coming from ladies here.

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Don't show up at her work again though IMO

And don't do that^. That's taking it too far. I would have been repulsed by someone who doesn't take no as an answer and pesters me at work.

Only go for someone who is 100% into you- nothing less. Have some dignity.

And thank you next!

[sleepytime]

20 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Can you describe what "too fast" looked like on the first date? And how did this run-in at her work come about today? Did she ask you to swing by once you resumed texting, or did you choose to swing by? I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of all this. 

That said, the moment someone says they're not feeling a romantic connection is generally the moment when you take the hit with grace, dust off and move on, rather than continue to pursue and/or hover about the periphery nursing hopes. I can only speak for myself, but when I've said those words to people they are final. Doesn't mean I won't continue to be friendly, or be open to friendship. But romance? No. 

In your shoes, I wouldn't read much into the banter today, the two-armed hug. That's kind of grasping at straws. My guess here is she was being nice and that part of the reason it was lighter is that she's made her disinterest clear to you. Not what you want to hear, I know, but I'm thinking your time and energy is likely better spent elsewhere. 

Too fast for her was holding hands and possible the birthday card with it making it seem like we were already together without really getting to know me first.. however a friend was talking to her before we went on the date you know asking info on me and all.. So when she found out about me shes was like I'm not going to let this one get away. Anyways the same friend was asking her today and while she said she still feel a attraction he got onto her about telling her she should let me know because even he said she seems still very indecisive.. for example I didn't even text her today and she ended up texting me today asking how my day was so far.. I was a little puzzled since that's not normally something she does but then again who knows.

I do know shes being more "open" in her talks but she still comes off as not really knowing what she wants.

[sleepytime]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately one and done dates are more common than not.

Once someone mentions a line like this, it's important to determine if you want to waste time in the friendzone.

If you want to be friends fine, but it sounds like you are looking for a GF not a textbuddy.

It's not even a textbuddy I mean I see her 5 days out of the week in person she always looks shy when she looks at me.. and like I said before I made a point not to text her today and she ended up texting me asking how my day was so far.. she by far has been the fastest shes texted responses back under 10 seconds.

[sleepytime]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She likes talking with you and she has no romantic attraction to you at this time.  She knows that you do so I'm sure if she changed her mind she'd reach out -if she's comfortable hanging out with you she's not shy so I'd leave it at that.  Don't show up at her work again though IMO.

TBH about the whole showing up at the job she doesn't mind as weird as it seem she even let me know she told her step mother that I liked the sauce. I'm sure she knows I still like her but its not like I was begging her for the 2 1/2 hours I didn't even say anything remotely related to dates or love, shes the one that told me her story and how she got divorced (nothing bad)

10 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Please listen to the above advice. Most of it coming from ladies here.

And don't do that^. That's taking it too far. I would have been repulsed by someone who doesn't take no as an answer and pesters me at work.

Only go for someone who is 100% into you- nothing less. Have some dignity.

And thank you next!

Again like I said above I was the only customer and she wasn't doing much she enjoyed the company at work we get to only talk maybe 10 min or less.

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, sleepytime said:

I see her 5 days out of the week in person

Do you mean you go to the restaurant she works at every single day?

[jazz_lover]

That was my interpretation! But I guess if the restaurant does not get a lot of business she doesn't mind especially as she probably figures she can quite easily keep you at bay with the "don't move too fast" and "lets be friends first" lines. 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

21 hours ago, sleepytime said:

So fast forward today I ended up going to her job to have lunch I ended up staying for about 2 1/2 hours

You said 2 1/2 hours...

Anyways, if there's no customers, then she was not able to have an excuse to not talk to you. She was friendly, and you got to chat.

And regardless, she still is not that into you and doesn't see potential. That doesn't just change. Unless SHE explicitly changes her mind and reaches out and asks you out intentionally on a date, you got nothing.

Thank you, next!

[wealthydior]

I don’t think I’m as pessimistic as the other commenters, I think you might seriously have a chance with this girl. But we can’t say 100% it will or not, so it’s up to you if you really want to spend your time on it. Keep yourself open for other options though.

[Andrina]

53 minutes ago, sleepytime said:

do know shes being more "open" in her talks but she still comes off as not really knowing what she wants.

People like this like the ego boost that they have a fan, but they are just not that into you. She's divorced, and so I'm assuming all not that young, yet you and your mutual friend and her are all acting like you're still in high school with he said/she said nonsense. I'm assuming you're all adults, so stop involving a friend in your personal affairs.

When a person is spouting nothing but excuses, and can't date at a normal pace, this is a red flag waving so hard it's slapping you in the face.

Move on to someone that doesn't flash you yield signs and stop signs. You seem like a catch, so act like one.

[sleepytime]

42 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you mean you go to the restaurant she works at every single day?

Uhmm No we work at the same job, she has a second job at her family's restaurant.

[sleepytime]

1 minute ago, Andrina said:

People like this like the ego boost that they have a fan, but they are just not that into you. She's divorced, and so I'm assuming all not that young, yet you and your mutual friend and her are all acting like you're still in high school with he said/she said nonsense. I'm assuming you're all adults, so stop involving a friend in your personal affairs.

When a person is spouting nothing but excuses, and can't date at a normal pace, this is a red flag waving so hard it's slapping you in the face.

Move on to someone that doesn't flash you yield signs and stop signs. You seem like a catch, so act like one.

The Mutual friend is the one SHE went to ask info about ME.. and she told him I'm a good guy something she would better off looking at instead of others who are of a lesser value. He's 50+ shes 31 and I'm 37.

17 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

I don’t think I’m as pessimistic as the other commenters, I think you might seriously have a chance with this girl. But we can’t say 100% it will or not, so it’s up to you if you really want to spend your time on it. Keep yourself open for other options though.

This is why I don't post much on here I've seen other topics on this section and others and I'm thinking does anyone have anything positive to say? I don't even pressure her I dish out what she sends in return, I will say she has to be by far the most confusing as far as mixed signals I've had a ex before tell me "I feel like I might hurt you" like 3 times before we finally went out for 3 years.. but that's another story.. ended up with her cheating on me.

26 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You said 2 1/2 hours...

Anyways, if there's no customers, then she was not able to have an excuse to not talk to you. She was friendly, and you got to chat.

And regardless, she still is not that into you and doesn't see potential. That doesn't just change. Unless SHE explicitly changes her mind and reaches out and asks you out intentionally on a date, you got nothing.

Thank you, next!

She talks with me at work and you have 30+ people around so it's not just like she was just friendly for that reason. I mean she even gave me her schedule at her other job so I could catch her while she was working.

[Batya33]

22 hours ago, sleepytime said:

ntil I get a text saying she didn't have a romantic connection with me..

This is all you need to know.  A woman who thinks there is any potential -or a man -would never ever sabotage that chance by saying that.  And on top of that it sounds like she is in a service industry -so she knows how important it is to make a good impression - if she saw potential she would simply say yes to another date and give it a chance and not want you to know about any doubts - because if there is potential -even with doubts -most people will give it at least another date to see if the potential develops into a spark or stronger spark.

She is being honest.  She does not want to lead you on.  She enjoys hanging with you as a buddy and potentially a good friend -but only if your attraction for her fades a lot.  Because good friends share who they're dating or trying to date and if you're into her you can't be a friend to her when it comes to her pursuing someone she does feel attracted to.

Typically I am an advocate of "watch the feet not the lips  " -actions not words -with the exception that if someone tells you she doesn't feel an attraction or doesn't want a relationship etc listen to those words.  Especially if said in the beginning.  

[jazz_lover]

Mixed signals are usually a sign someone is not that interested in you and leading you on. 

Also notice that she controls your interactions to avoid romantic situations. You text a lot. You talk occasionally at work. And you drop by her restaurant occasionally. None of these are dates. And if you are not dating then you are just friends. And as she doesn't feel a romantic connection she is probably happy with this arrangement while also knowing that to keep you engaged she needs to occasionally hint at the possibility of more. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Okay, OP, let's put it simply.

How do you know if someone likes you?

- If you find yourself in doubts or that you don't know: they don't like you or they're not THAT into you.

- otherwise, you feel it, you know it and don't even ask yourself the again.

It's that simple. The fact you are here on a website asking others shows that she is not that into you. Because if she was into you, you'd be happy and things would be going as they should be (she says she's into you, she says she wants another date clearly, ect.).

No beating around the bush. When you know it, you know it. And in your case, you don't. So it's a no. But if you want to keep trying to see if she changes her mind, then by all means... But look out for your heart.

[sleepytime]

8 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Mixed signals are usually a sign someone is not that interested in you and leading you on. 

Also notice that she controls your interactions to avoid romantic situations. You text a lot. You talk occasionally at work. And you drop by her restaurant occasionally. None of these are dates. And if you are not dating then you are just friends. And as she doesn't feel a romantic connection she is probably happy with this arrangement while also knowing that to keep you engaged she needs to occasionally hint at the possibility of more. 

 

That's not the only things that are mixed shes not sure if she wants to move out west or south so I think she has to focus more on her life IMHO. And I know those aren't dates I don't even go in thinking it's a date that's just silly.

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, sleepytime said:

That's not the only things that are mixed shes not sure if she wants to move out west or south so I think she has to focus more on her life IMHO. And I know those aren't dates I don't even go in thinking it's a date that's just silly.

Being uncertain of where one wants to move has nothing to do with uncertainty about chemistry. I'm indecisive about lots of things big and small depending on the day.  I was decisive about my feelings for my husband and decisive about wanting to be with him.  But I was indecisive about him the first time around that we dated.  Years later I was sure I wanted to be with him.  The difference between being conflicted -as in the past - and decisive -the second time we dated - were night and day.  No comparison. 

And she's not uncertain -at this time she knows she does not feel a romantic attraction to you.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, sleepytime said:

Uhmm No we work at the same job, she has a second job at her family's restaurant.

Ok, you didn't mention that in your OP or any of your responses.

36 minutes ago, sleepytime said:

48 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Expand  

That's not the only things that are mixed shes not sure if she wants to move out west or south so I think she has to focus more on her life IMHO. 

So probably even more reasons why she doesn't want to start anything with anyone. 

I talk to my friends at work, we text, we go eat together and none of us wants to or is dating each other. We're friends.