New Potential Relationship

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I’m in desperate need of others opinions before I go too deep with this. A month ago I messaged this girl who I’ve never spoken to before because I thought she was cute and she was from my hometown (basically). I slid in the DM’s and hit it off and we’ve been talking for the most part. Well she initially started responding decently for the first week and then it’s gotten worse, to the point where it’s now hours on end until I get a response back. I’ve called her out on it saying basically if you don’t see anything happening here then just let me know and I’ll be on my way. At first she said she has a lot going on in her life blah blah blah just give me some time here. So I said okay sure, that’s only fair. She said she will NOT be responding immediately because of what she has going on. So another week goes by and her responses haven’t gotten any better, and they actually got a little worse. At this point I brought it up again and said look.. what’s going on here because this isn’t sustainable and isn’t leading anywhere. This is where she dropped an absolute bombshell on me saying she was actually engaged just DAYS before I messaged her and they split up because he cheated on her. So obviously she’s in a dark place from that, and that’s about as bad as it gets so I immediately understood why she was being the way she is. Idk why but I really like talking to this girl and she’s so nice and sweet, so I told her that I would love to be there for her while giving her all the space and time she needs before she would ever be ready to move forward. She loved that and explained more about how bad of a place she’s in right now. So, another week goes by and I let my thoughts consume me so I brought it up again with the lack of talking.

She mentioned in the beginning that she’s trying to avoid her phone and focus on herself, which would definitely explain the lack of talking. She deleted her socials too. So, I bring up one more time yesterday saying look I know you’re going through a lot and the timing of this is horrendous, but you clearly have no interest in talking to me. I told her what I wanted with her long term (relationship) but that definitely wouldn’t be anytime soon bc of her broken engagement. I told her I loved talking to her but if she doesn’t see anything in the future then we need to just stop talking right now and go our separate ways. I basically told her how I feel, what I want, and if she doesn’t want what I want then we need to stop talking. Pretty black and white. Well, she told me she doesn’t want to quit talking to me because she really likes in and just reiterated how dark of a place she’s in and needs to focus on herself first. I said okay, I’m understanding and I’ll be here for you until you start to pick your pieces up.

My question here is this: how long do I go along with this? This is very mentally taxing on me because I like this girl and we never speak. Also, is this a legit reason for lack of talking? I would normally say if they truly cared they would make time for you but this situation is just… different. Like I don’t blame her at all for what she’s doing because I bet she’s super depressed. Any thoughts on what I should do or if I do nothing, what should I expect? I want to reiterate that I was crystal clear with my intentions and if she didn’t want anything with me then we should stop talking and she said no, I want to keep talking, I love talking to you. It’s not you it’s me and I’m hardly taking to anybody because I’m focusing on myself. Help plz

[Andrina]

Wow, you need some serious studying time in Dating 101.

Why didn't you ask her out after a week of chatting? No wonder she grew tired of chit-chatting with with someone who doesn't know how to progress to step 2.

And you're going to call someone out whom you've never even met? And on top of that, you're not exclusive, obviously, and so she doesn't owe you a damn thing.

I'm shocked she hasn't blocked you already, when you're speaking of feelings and a future with her when you've never even met in person. I'm sure she has her own flaws, though, that keep her from blocking someone who has brought a lot of drama and neediness into her life.

Read articles and books on how to wisely go about dating a woman. Until you learn those skills, you will continue failing at finding romance.

[thelogride]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Wow, you need some serious studying time in Dating 101.

Why didn't you ask her out after a week of chatting? No wonder she grew tired of chit-chatting with with someone who doesn't know how to progress to step 2.

And you're going to call someone out whom you've never even met? And on top of that, you're not exclusive, obviously, and so she doesn't owe you a damn thing.

I'm shocked she hasn't blocked you already, when you're speaking of feelings and a future with her when you've never even met in person. I'm sure she has her own flaws, though, that keep her from blocking someone who has brought a lot of drama and neediness into her life.

Read articles and books on how to wisely go about dating a woman. Until you learn those skills, you will continue failing at finding romance.

I left one part out. She’s in the military and currently is 12 hours away and has been this entire time. So that would be why I haven’t asked her out. Plus dating 101? She just got out of an engagement so I’m taking it slow?? She’s hurting from that and I don’t want to be a rebound. I think anyone with decent respect would give them some time. Unless I’m wrong with that thought process? I guess that’s why I’m here

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I left one part out. She’s in the military and currently is 12 hours away and has been this entire time. So that would be why I haven’t asked her out. Plus dating 101? She just got out of an engagement so I’m taking it slow?? She’s hurting from that and I don’t want to be a rebound. I think anyone with decent respect would give them some time. Unless I’m wrong with that thought process? I guess that’s why I’m here

She's a stranger who is from your home town -so you think.  She doesn't want a penpal/chat buddy and she's showing you that by not responding.  Be on your way and leave her be -there's nothing here with this stranger.

[boltnrun]

Take what slow??

This person is a stranger. Reading words on a screen does not take the place of in person interactions.

You are coming on way too strong. You're not dating her, you're not in a relationship and you have no idea if you two would even be compatible or have any chemistry. And no, typing and reading words on a screen cannot gauge compatibility.

Why don't you want to meet women who you can actually see in person, date and have actual physical contact with? Don't you want to hug, hold hands with and kiss the woman you're in a relationship with? Or do you prefer typed words? If so, why?

[thelogride]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Take what slow??

This person is a stranger. Reading words on a screen does not take the place of in person interactions.

You are coming on way too strong. You're not dating her, you're not in a relationship and you have no idea if you two would even be compatible or have any chemistry. And no, typing and reading words on a screen cannot gauge compatibility.

Why don't you want to meet women who you can actually see in person, date and have actual physical contact with? Don't you want to hug, hold hands with and kiss the woman you're in a relationship with? Or do you prefer typed words? If so, why?

I don’t know okay, if I would’ve known this girl was 12 hours away then I never would’ve messaged her in the first place. But after talking to her I was beginning to like her and I guess it’s just wishful thinking. Not a chance in hell I could do a long distance relationship anyways based on what you said. I’ve been single for 3 years now and have never really been “looking” for a girlfriend. Then I saw this girl come up and was like damn she’s cute and we have a lot in common. All I’m asking is if this is something from a third party perspective that could actually happen or if this is unrealistic. I’m well aware we aren’t dating. And since when did being straight forward with intentions coming on too strong? It’s been a month of talking lol it’s gotta be brought up eventually. 

[thelogride]

I also really appreciate your comment by the way, thank you 

[Batya33]

You're being far too intense questioning a stranger who lives 12 hours away why she isn't responding to you and what her intentions are.  She's a stranger for all practical purposes -you're behaving inappropriately and being far too pushy.

[thelogride]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're being far too intense questioning a stranger who lives 12 hours away why she isn't responding to you and what her intentions are.  She's a stranger for all practical purposes -you're behaving inappropriately and being far too pushy.

I’m not questioning why she isn’t responding, it’s only a “red flag” that nothing will happen. So, because of that, I ask if she’s looking for anything or not. I’m probably being to intensive but at the same time she’s told me she enjoys talking to me and wants to continue to talk. So it’s weird. 

[Batya33]

Just now, thelogride said:

I’m not questioning why she isn’t responding, it’s only a “red flag” that nothing will happen. So, because of that, I ask if she’s looking for anything or not. I’m probably being to intensive but at the same time she’s told me she enjoys talking to me and wants to continue to talk. So it’s weird. 

Well no -she wants to be a chat buddy when it's convenient for her. She doesn't want you to question the timing of her responses or the meaning of you two typing messages to each other.  There's no red flag because you're concocting this notion that this is a potential relationship.  It's not.  Nothing can happen in terms of a romantic relationship unless in the future you two live in the same place and she is single and you are single and you can date in person.

  If you keep in touch your expectation should be she is an occasional chat buddy when it's convenient for her.  Not that it has anything to do with a potential romantic relationship. Because it doesn't. 

There's nothing confusing other than you confusingly believing this is more than two strangers exchanging typed messages.  Unless you're content to be her platonic chat buddy I'd bow out because you'll be too tempted to try to read into what she writes and question her again. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

All I’m asking is if this is something from a third party perspective that could actually happen or if this is unrealistic. I’m well aware we aren’t dating. And since when did being straight forward with intentions coming on too strong? It’s been a month of talking lol it’s gotta be brought up eventually. 

It's unrealistic.

What "intentions" can you have toward someone you've never met and who you're attaching yourself to because you think her pics are "cute"? Again, this is not based in reality. And no, typing letters on a screen to someone you don't know doesn't require you to bring up "intentions". 

If you want to date, look for women you can meet in person. This woman is simply someone you occasionally communicate with online.

[LootieTootie]

I had to stopped reading this when you said you had to "call her out." 

 

[thelogride]

48 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I had to stopped reading this when you said you had to "call her out." 

 

Lol I’m not good at explaining things. I promise there’s more to it, but what can I expect with an online message board. You don’t know what I know and I can’t explain it. 

[thelogride]

57 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's unrealistic.

What "intentions" can you have toward someone you've never met and who you're attaching yourself to because you think her pics are "cute"? Again, this is not based in reality. And no, typing letters on a screen to someone you don't know doesn't require you to bring up "intentions". 

If you want to date, look for women you can meet in person. This woman is simply someone you occasionally communicate with online.

Thank you for a reasonable response and assuring something that I already know but need to come to acceptance with. 

[Jaunty]

51 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I had to stopped reading this when you said you had to "call her out." 

 

Same.  OP, it's quite a surprise that she ever communicated with you again after that.  

[thelogride]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Same.  OP, it's quite a surprise that she ever communicated with you again after that.  

It’s a surprise that I asked her what her true intentions were and she responded that she wanted to continue talking and see where things go? 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, thelogride said:

It’s a surprise that I asked her what her true intentions were and she responded that she wanted to continue talking and see where things go? 

Yes, because you don't know this woman. How the heck would she even know what her intentions are when you're just a stranger behind a screen? It was an awkward question, man. Save those questions for women you have met in person and had a few dates with. There is a reason nearly everyone here is telling you that questioning her about her true intentions is strange so early on when you have never met. You keep asking the same question as if you just can't believe that you "calling her out" is odd - but we're telling you that yes, it is. 

And her long periods of silence tell you everything you need to know: she isn't truly interested. She just doesn't know how to tell you that directly, so she keeps you around for communication when it's convenient for her, but it's clear you have attached a lot more meaning to these chats than she has. You're a digitial penpal to her. Nothing more. 

In short, yes, this is unrealistic. She's too far away, and dealing with too much. You're just some guy who slid into her DMs. Not someone she is trying to build a connection with. In the future, dial back in intensity - way back. You're coming on too stronlgy, too quickly. 

[poorlittlefish]

You made her aware that the decrease in contact was making you wonder if she was that bothered. Rather than her communicating more regularly, she's continued in the same vein. Just stop bothering with her and find someone local who's not got emotional issues arising from the relationship she's already in. I think she was using you for attention or to take her mind off her problems. 

[Anonymous]

11 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I slid in the DM’s and hit it off and we’ve been talking for the most part. 

You've never met. You're just chat buddies.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single interested women for coffee.

Don't slide into DMs as an oblique and creepy way to find dates.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, thelogride said:

Thank you for a reasonable response and assuring something that I already know but need to come to acceptance with. 

No you don't need to come to acceptance.  You simply have to act in an appropriate way whether you feel like it or accept it or not.  Just like many things -you may not "accept" that it's inappropriate to do a road rage thing but you choose not to because it's the right thing to do.  I don't accept that I can't eat more junk food - I still want it, crave it, but I do it anyway because it's the healthful thing to do.  Knowing is part of it.  Acting it is what's essential especially if it involves your health or interacting appropriately with another human being.  

If you "come to acceptance" later that's good too!

[thelogride]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No you don't need to come to acceptance.  You simply have to act in an appropriate way whether you feel like it or accept it or not.  Just like many things -you may not "accept" that it's inappropriate to do a road rage thing but you choose not to because it's the right thing to do.  I don't accept that I can't eat more junk food - I still want it, crave it, but I do it anyway because it's the healthful thing to do.  Knowing is part of it.  Acting it is what's essential especially if it involves your health or interacting appropriately with another human being.  

If you "come to acceptance" later that's good too!

The thing is, this girl is asking for me to be patient with her and she wants to keep talking. I said look, either we can keep talking and progress and start hanging out when you’re back (she might be moving just minutes away, which is why I’m still talking to her) or we stop talking completely. She asked me to be patient with her as she’s still hurting and she wants to keep talking to me. This is what I’m getting massacred in the comment section here for and for no reason at all lol. Since when did declaring your intentions and hopes become a bad thing?

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Since when did declaring your intentions and hopes become a bad thing?

No one said it was "bad". It's unrealistic and too much too soon. She said she would like to continue to communicate, but what has she DONE? Slowed down communication, right? So it's important to take two things from this: first, don't declare "intentions" to someone you have never met and second, pay attention to actions as well as words.

Why don't you want to date local women who you could actually meet and spend time with in person? Do you prefer online only interactions for some reason?

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, thelogride said:

this girl was 12 hours away then I never would’ve messaged her in the first place.  Then I saw this girl come up and was like damn she’s cute and we have a lot in common.  It’s been a month of talking

Why bother with this unless you're really bored? Are you scanning social media for pics of "cute" girls and randomly "sliding into DMs"? 

What's wrong with real dating apps and getting good pics and a good profile together and messaging local single women who don't just want a chatbuddy?

 

 

[thelogride]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why bother with this unless you're really bored? Are you scanning social media for pics of "cute" girls and randomly "sliding into DMs"? 

What's wrong with real dating apps and getting good pics and a good profile together and messaging local single women who don't just want a chatbuddy?

 

 

Here’s the thing: I’ve been broken hearted before and I haven’t dated for 3 years because of it. Much better off alone. Until this girl popped up that I recognized (again, hometown) and said screw it what’s there to lose. I’m not scavenging social media messaging girls, that’s creepy imo and probably wouldn’t ever work. I only messaged this girl because we have something in common being from the same place. Maybe it’s a midwestern thing idk, I know a lot of people who do the same thing. My main point is this: I would much rather prefer a local person, but talking to this girl has somehow got me on an emotional attachment.. for no reason! It’s just words on a screen and I feel anxious waiting for her to respond. Either way, not healthy and I know it. Not sure why I’m like this and it’s frustrating. This is why I chose to be single for the last handful of years, because of feeling anxious like I do right now. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, thelogride said:

 talking to this girl has somehow got me on an emotional attachment.. for no reason! It’s just words on a screen and I feel anxious waiting for her to respond.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. And she's very unavailable.

So there is not real attachment, just killing time tiptoeing around afraid to date in real life..