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I think it's over, but i'm not sure


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I have been with my girlfriends for over 5 years now, and I truly believes that she is the one for me. We talked a lot about our future plans and of marriage and everything.

Recently I just failed my college education. It is a huge shock for me, my last year of college was full of depression and stress. I also saw what it did to my girlfriend but I tried to put up a brave face in front of her, and she does makes my life brighter during those darker days. But, when the news broke that I failed, she appear to not be able to accept that at all. She acts like this affects her more than it did me, and honestly fells like she disregarded my feelings about this at all. When I found at I failed I looked for her seeking comfort but she just blows me off. I tried be understanding after that, because I kind of understand her feeling of disappointment, I gave her a bit of time to cool of, I was honestly hoping she would just vent out her frustration because not being able to talk her is making things a lot harder than it should've been.

When we finally get to talk, I told her about my plans going forward, how I thinking of starting a business, looking for some part-time job and looking for an online course to get a degree. Even after everything, my plan is still to marry her someday. However, she won't accept that, she refuses to see the efforts that I've put through and just wanted the result. She basically asked me to marry her right now, which is impossible for me right now. It's not because I'm not ready,  but I'm not financially stable enough to build a family with her. I tried talking it through to her, but she just won't listen. She told me that I just don't understand her side of the story - which might be true, but I'm trying to understand it while she just flat out won't listen to my side of the story at all.

The hard part is when I tried to agree with her, I told her 'okay, I'll leave you alone until I'm able to marry you' but I told her there's a risk, I'm right now in a very vulnerable state. I told her I would push through my trouble and tried to find a solution, but if she wasn't there for me, then maybe the answer won't be her, and I might decided not to marry her after all. When I told her this, she broke down crying, saying that I don't appreciate all that she has done for me. I still love this woman very much, and I can't stand to see her cry, so I tried to be civil and calm her down. I ended up just going along with her way, but I told her I wanted to at least still be able to talk to her whenever I'm feeling down and needed support.

Cut to a few weeks after our last conversation and she just basically started to blowing me off again. When I come asking her for support, she was either always to busy or seem uninterested with my problems. When I pointed this out to her, she lashed out at me saying that she don't want a relationship with me anymore unless I marry her. This is basically what our last conversation is, I haven't talked to her in a while.

I'm now in a limbo, there's no doubt that I love this girl, and I wouldn't say that I've been the perfect boyfriend for her, I've done plenty wrong myself, but I've felt that I've always been there for her and this one that I needed her to be with me she wasn't there. I never wanted this relationship to end, but I've always thought if it ended we could still at least be civil to each other. We have a lot of mutual friends, so we would at least still see each other. But in the past few days she just refused to talk or even acknowledged me.

I don't know if i wanted advice or if i just wanted some place to rant out my feelings, but I would appreciate all the help that I can get. Thank you very much to all that read this post.

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1 hour ago, Fajar Dhani said:

She basically asked me to marry her right now, which is impossible for me right now. It's not because I'm not ready,  but I'm not financially stable enough to build a family with her. I tried talking it through to her, but she just won't listen.

When I come asking her for support, she was either always to busy or seem uninterested with my problems.

Sorry this happened? How old is she? Do you live together? Is she working?

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you are in limbo, but that she is tired of waiting and tired of excuses.

 Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the inertia and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

 She can not be your therapist. While forcing marriage is extreme, if you are not prepared. After 5 years you don't know each others goal and expectations?

 You are responsible for your mental health, finding work and talking care of yourself.

Stop leaning on her or smothering her. Focus on getting as many paying jobs as you can.

 

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She cares only about her needs, and She's beyond selfish. And she's threatening and throwing tantrums when you don't bend to her demands.

I'd say you really need to step back from this relationship, and see it for what it is. She's clearly shown you that she's up to take and take from you, but not to give. And you failing that milestone really showed you her true colours. She's a "my way or the highway" partner, and that's very toxic.

It shouldn't and doesn't have to be this way. In a healthy relationship, both partners' needs are cared for and supported. Reflect if she is really "the one" as you put it. Cause honestly, she isn't man. I'm sorry.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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What caused the failure in courses? Do you know what led to it? Was it not reading the textbooks or understanding the assignments or handing them in? 

You already know she’s immature but you’re handling it in very spiteful and manipulative way telling her you won’t marry her if she’s not there for you. That’s threatening her in the relationship and it appears that she was offended. That’s not unusual. She’s immature turning the course failure into her.

I’m getting the sense that you both have had issues for awhile and this is culminating only now with anger, spite and resentment. Focus on your future and your career. Don’t you think family and friends will frown on the marriage union anyway if either of you aren’t prepared financially or ready to marry? What do your families think? 

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7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

After 5 years you don't know each others goal and expectations

I think they do, but they just finished their studies it seems, so they're not in the best place to make investments, specially that he failed his exams.

OP can't you retake the exams? For you, not for the ex/gf.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened? How old is she? Do you live together? Is she working?

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you are in limbo, but that she is tired of waiting and tired of excuses.

 Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the inertia and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

 She can not be your therapist. While forcing marriage is extreme, if you are not prepared. After 5 years you don't know each others goal and expectations?

 You are responsible for your mental health, finding work and talking care of yourself.

Stop leaning on her or smothering her. Focus on getting as many paying jobs as you can.

 

Thank you for the reply, right now we are both 25

I did sometimes fear that I smother her with my problems, but the more I think back and reflects it doesn't seem to be that way. I've always had a problem seeking help to others, and even to her I usually put up a brave and strong front to not make feel to worried about me.

I can't tell you what she's feeling about this and I don't know whether what I'm about to say is selfish or not. But during this trying time of my life I found that there are many people who care and willing to help me, I've just always been to afraid to ask, but the one person I actually ask for help and wanted to get help from just ignore me instead.

I'm getting all the help I can get and slowly but steadily rebuilding myself, hopefully for the better. I just wish she was there with me.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I think they do, but they just finished their studies it seems, so they're not in the best place to make investments, specially that he failed his exams.

OP can't you retake the exams? For you, not for the ex/gf.

I'm currently taking an online course, I should get my degree in a year or so. In the meantime I'm trying to startup a printing business while taking multiple part-time job. I do have some savings but if were to get married I would used up all of it and I'm not comfortable with that.

Also, thank you for your input, I really appreciate it

Edited by Fajar Dhani
forgot to thank them
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I'm taking a gamble here: it seemed like you'd go to college, get a degree, then a full-time job, marry and form a family (or something like that). So, now you've deviated from this plan. I'm guessing she wanted something along those lines. Granted, no one likes ultimatums. However, she's most likely tired of waiting.

The idea is that there used to be certainty in your life (and hers), now it's all up in the air. How does she generally cope with uncertainty?

 

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Sounds as though GF has spent the better part of 5 years under the impression that the only thing preventing the two of you from marrying was your goal to graduate school.

Where did she get that idea, and was there any truth to it?

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On 3/27/2022 at 7:59 AM, Fajar Dhani said:

I just failed my college education.

This doesn't make sense.  You don't just fail It takes months, semesters, years to fail college.  Did you fail a few courses during a semester?  Then, take them again. Or ask the teachers where you got an "F" if you can redo or hand in extra assignments to get your grade to curve up to pass.  Did you lie about the grades you were getting, so she was shocked by it?  It's not just a "recent" thing.  It starts with failing in to hand in the work, failing tests.  Either way, it's your college education; why does she have to be your muse or support? You would need to pass on your own regardless if you were together or not.

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On 3/27/2022 at 6:04 PM, Fajar Dhani said:

In the meantime I'm trying to startup a printing business

My advice for you, as someone with an expensive background working at start-ups, do not start a start-up without hands on experience at other companies AND without managerial experience AND without sufficient funding.

We're talking at least 3-5 years of relevant experience at competitors or in the role. Having a start-up is not easy and most struggle and fail. Your head is in the clouds. Get some facts straight, money, and experience.

Again, that's from me having worked with plenty of start-ups. So focus on re-doing and re-passing your exams. If not, get hands on experience. You need to have business acumen, a product that works, that has a market, and that can scale. And you need to have experience in managing people and deadlines... IF you want this to succeed.

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Also, a startup requires you to be able to go completely without ANY income for upwards of a year. And you'll still have to pay all the expenses. Do you have extensive savings that you can live on plus pay all business expenses for at least a year?

Also, how do you fail out of college? I failed one course but I was simply placed on academic probation and allowed to retake that class. Did you fail multiple classes?

But I agree, now is probably not the best time for you to marry. Taking on a wife when things are so uncertain isn't a great idea.

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