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Wrote my depressed ex a letter and then he reached out


lauram123
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I’m (30) f my ex is (42) m we split up around 2 months ago which was my decision. He has depression and was going through a hard time and kept pushing me away and ignoring me. I would tell him time and time again how him ignoring me would hurt me and make me anxious all he had to do was tell me he didn’t want to talk etc. I tried my absolute hardest to support him but in the end it started to affect me mentally.

I wrote him a letter as closure for myself and to apologise on how the situation was handled and I shouldn’t of took his depression personally etc. He sent me a text to thank me and said how it was such a lovely gesture and how there is no hard feelings etc. 

He then blamed me for the break up and said I had barriers up (I really opened up to him on how I’d been treated before) and said how it started to affect him, then he had a go at me for not asking how he is and how he is used to it.

The next morning he sent me a voicenote to say he will ring me and talk and he isn’t ignoring me. I messaged him back and 24 hours later he still hasn’t read the message even though he’s been online. 

I don’t get why he’s putting me through the same thing again when I’ve spent time getting myself in a good place, I now feel like I’m back to square one again! 

Any advice would be appreciated

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10 minutes ago, lauram123 said:

He then blamed me for the break up and....

Leave him alone. He knows your contact info so letters, texts, VMs etc. is unnecessary. Whether he is depressed, bitter or just wants to be free of a relationship doesn't matter.

Is this the same man?:

 

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He may have depression but it also seems he’s not interested in dating you at all. The dynamic set you on a path for constantly needing more than what you were getting and you stayed under the impression that he’s depressed. It was never quite a fulfilling relationship but you kept making excuses for him. 

Don’t keep looking for answers and calls and texts from him anymore. Search for consistency in your partners. Leave mental health issues to the doctors and professionals trained to deal with them.

The only question you need to ask yourself is whether this relationship is fulfilling to you. If the answer is no, end it and end any dependency on this person to provide you answers. 

 

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Leave him alone. He knows your contact info so letters, texts, VMs etc. is unnecessary. Whether he is depressed, bitter or just wants to be free of a relationship doesn't matter.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes it’s the same person 

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35 minutes ago, lauram123 said:

I’m (30) f my ex is (42) m we split up around 2 months ago which was my decision. He has depression and was going through a hard time and kept pushing me away and ignoring me. I would tell him time and time again how him ignoring me would hurt me and make me anxious all he had to do was tell me he didn’t want to talk etc. I tried my absolute hardest to support him but in the end it started to affect me mentally.

I wrote him a letter as closure for myself and to apologise on how the situation was handled and I shouldn’t of took his depression personally etc. He sent me a text to thank me and said how it was such a lovely gesture and how there is no hard feelings etc. 

He then blamed me for the break up and said I had barriers up (I really opened up to him on how I’d been treated before) and said how it started to affect him, then he had a go at me for not asking how he is and how he is used to it.

The next morning he sent me a voicenote to say he will ring me and talk and he isn’t ignoring me. I messaged him back and 24 hours later he still hasn’t read the message even though he’s been online. 

I don’t get why he’s putting me through the same thing again when I’ve spent time getting myself in a good place, I now feel like I’m back to square one again! 

Any advice would be appreciated

You don't understand because a person with clinical depression don't have a rationalized way of thinking. There is nothing you can do or say to make them think/act any differently. All they see and feel is their depressive thoughts. 

Edited by smackie9
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1 hour ago, lauram123 said:

I don’t get why he’s putting me through the same thing again when I’ve spent time getting myself in a good place, I now feel like I’m back to square one again! 

Well, you are the one who reached out to him.

Where did you get this idea about "closure"? 

Were you hoping he would ask to reconcile?

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, you are the one who reached out to him.

Where did you get this idea about "closure"? 

Were you hoping he would ask to reconcile?

I wasn’t hoping for that it was my way of accepting some responsibility and hope counselling is going well for him and that he is healing 

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26 minutes ago, lauram123 said:

I wasn’t hoping for that it was my way of accepting some responsibility and hope counselling is going well for him and that he is healing 

Overinvesting in someone like this you dated just a couple of months is wasting your time. He'll be fine. Move forward.

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1 hour ago, lauram123 said:

I don’t get why he’s putting me through the same thing again when I’ve spent time getting myself in a good place, I now feel like I’m back to square one again! 

That's his pattern, and that's been your relationship dynamic. I read through your previous post. Despite the fact that he said "this isn't who he is," this is clearly who he is and how he operates.

My advice to you is to move on. Close this chapter of your life. Don't write another note or have another conversation. Block him if you're worried that you'll cave if he contacts you again.

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52 minutes ago, lauram123 said:

I wasn’t hoping for that it was my way of accepting some responsibility and hope counselling is going well for him and that he is healing 

No worries about his healing. Take care of your healing. 

If you’re lonely chat with friends and keep busy.

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52 minutes ago, lauram123 said:

I wasn’t hoping for that it was my way of accepting some responsibility and hope counselling is going well for him and that he is healing 

But why did you need to tell him all of that?

You could do that for yourself without reaching out to him. 

I'm not sure how you expected him to respond. But now you know trying to stay attached to him in any way is a bad idea.

Just let him remain in your past. You don't need his approval to move forward with your life.

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On 3/16/2022 at 10:05 AM, lauram123 said:

I don’t get why he’s putting me through the same thing again when I’ve spent time getting myself in a good place, I now feel like I’m back to square one again! 

 

If the purpose of your letter was for your own closure, as you've stated, then it makes no sense to put expectations on any outcomes after sending it.

If the purpose of your letter was to prompt him to behave differently than why you broke up in the first place, then you've gained a valuable lesson on how well that works.

So get clear with yourself about your actual reason for sending the letter, and this will advance you forward from square one into a clearer recognition of your motives. This will pave your way toward a more confident future with your newly learned ability to take an exit early from anyone who doesn't align with your vision for a happy relationship.

Head high, you can do this.

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On 3/16/2022 at 10:05 AM, lauram123 said:

He then blamed me for the break up and said I had barriers up (I really opened up to him on how I’d been treated before) and said how it started to affect him, then he had a go at me for not asking how he is and how he is used to it.

This is the depression acting out..(laying guilt because HE feels so crappy. you should know of this now... isn't this why you walked away? 

Why expect anything different with reaching out..again?

 

On 3/16/2022 at 10:05 AM, lauram123 said:

I don’t get why he’s putting me through the same thing again when I’ve spent time getting myself in a good place, I now feel like I’m back to square one again! 

Then stop reaching out & expecting something different. Was your choice to do this...

He has issue's , you know this.  Expect nothing positive from your ex.

If you have spent time getting yourself in a better place, then keep going that way - and don't fall back.

 

 

 

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On 3/16/2022 at 3:05 PM, lauram123 said:

I don’t get why he’s putting me through the same thing again when I’ve spent time getting myself in a good place

You're putting yourself though it at this point, OP. 

Reaching out to him and writing letters is just picking at the scab. When you pick a scab, it bleeds. It doesn't heal. 

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On 3/16/2022 at 10:05 AM, lauram123 said:

when I’ve spent time getting myself in a good place

You're in a good place, he's clearly not. Don't set expectations on his healing; worry about yours.
Whatever his reasons are for ignoring you now, may be a sign of his mental status. 
Also, don't communicate expecting a certain response from an ex. You may not like it.

On 3/16/2022 at 10:05 AM, lauram123 said:

He sent me a text to thank me and said how it was such a lovely gesture and how there is no hard feelings etc. 

After this response, that should have been the end of your convo.

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