Caught him lying

[FraniMar22]

So, I caught my boyfriend of five years messaging at least two other exes on Facebook.  I’ve asked him in the past several times about it because one of them consistently tried communicating with him even though she knew he was in a relationship.  He flat out lied every time. I got proof today and confronted him.  He told me there were no such messages. When I asked to see, he started to show me scrolling real fast. I caught sight of the messages. They were chatting and wishing each other Happy Valentines Day. He immediately shut the messages off and refused to show me any more. Now he said he won’t stay in a relationship where he’s not trusted and constantly being accused of something.  I consider private messaging other females as cheating, especially when you’ve slept with them! He’s supposed to be commit to me. He’s been cold and mean to me all day, won’t speak to me. Am I missing something? He’s the one who lied and got caught. I’d love some input please. This isn’t the first time I’ve caught him lying.  Im heartbroken. 

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, FraniMar22 said:

He’s been cold and mean to me all day, won’t speak to me. Am I missing something? He’s the one who lied and got caught. I’d love some input please. This isn’t the first time I’ve caught him lying.  Im heartbroken. 

The only thing you're missing is that it's time to break up. 

You know he's crossing boundaries and lying to you. There's no reason to stay with a guy who prioritizes other girls over you,. 

 

[FraniMar22]

You’re so right. This is a five year relationship and we just moved in together. I uprooted my whole life to come to where he lives.  So much for commitment.  And he’s acting like he’s punishing me. It’s ridiculous. I deserve so much better. 

[Rose Mosse]

Are you locked in a lease together? When does the lease end? 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

And he’s acting like he’s punishing me.

Oh, there's no doubt about that. I went back and perused your previous threads. He's been jerking you around for five years. He's not 'acting like.' He is.

4 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

I deserve so much better. 

Well, yeah... but your actions indicate that you don't really believe that.

Why in the world are you still with him?

In a way, you've been punishing yourself by staying! 

[FraniMar22]

5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are you locked in a lease together? When does the lease end? 

It ends in July.  So I have about three months to find another place in this crazy rental market. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

So much for commitment.  And he’s acting like he’s punishing me. It’s ridiculous. I deserve so much better. 

He isn't committed, and now you know that in no uncertain terms. 

It's time to admit to yourself that this is over, and get out of there.

[FraniMar22]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Oh, there's no doubt about that. I went back and perused your previous threads. He's been jerking you around for five years. He's not 'acting like.' He is.

Well, yeah... but your actions indicate that you don't really believe that.

Why in the world are you still with him?

In a way, you've been punishing yourself by staying! 

You’re so right. Maybe I need to go back and read it myself. I keep forgiving and looking for something that’s just not there.

[FraniMar22]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He isn't committed, and now you know that in no uncertain terms. 

It's time to admit to yourself that this is over, and get out of there.

I really wanted to believe I finally had something real.  It’s obvious I don’t.  

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, FraniMar22 said:

I really wanted to believe I finally had something real.  It’s obvious I don’t.  

But your previous threads indicate very clearly that this has been a mess for a long time. 

What have you been pretending not to know? 

[FraniMar22]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

But your previous threads indicate very clearly that this has been a mess for a long time. 

What have you been pretending not to know? 

That’s a good question.  I’m so tired of starting over.  I don’t think I know what true love and happiness is so I keep working at something hoping it will change.  I’m so full of anxiety it’s affecting my physical health as well. 

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, FraniMar22 said:

 I’m so full of anxiety it’s affecting my physical health as well. 

I'm sorry to hear this. 

A lot it likely comes from being in a bad relationship with someone who has never really respected or admired you, and trying to make this relationship into something is just isn't. 

Starting over will be like a breath of fresh air, after the initial sadness of shedding the dead weight wears off. 

[FraniMar22]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm sorry to hear this. 

A lot it likely comes from being in a bad relationship with someone who has never really respected or admired you, and trying to make this relationship into something is just isn't. 

Starting over will be like a breath of fresh air, after the initial sadness of shedding the dead weight wears off. 

I moved an hour away from my son and my family to be with this man.  I need to get back to where I have people who truly care about me.  He knew full well how I felt about communicating with other women in that manner and he did it anyway.  Granted, the messages were from a year ago and nothing since, which is his argument. I say he should it never should have happened while he’s supposed to be committed to me.  He can be sweet and caring and then flip the switch and be mean and cold as soon as he’s called out on something I don’t agree with. My feelings get squashed. 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

Am I missing something?

Yes, its called

8 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

He told me there were no such messages.

gaslighting

8 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

Now he said he won’t stay in a relationship where he’s not trusted and constantly being accused of something.

and deflection

That guy isnt sweet and carying, he is a liar  and manipulator. As soon as you get out from there, the better for you. Because that is who he is and it will never stop even if you get into marriage with that man.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

. I caught sight of the messages. They were chatting and wishing each other Happy Valentines Day. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How do you have access to his FB DMs?

It seems like you two are in a cat and mouse game regarding his contact with his former GFs.

How is your relationship overall? He seems to disrespect you, however your jealousy and policing is disrespectful as well.

Unfortunately there's no trust or respect here. 

Reflect on how long you wish to stay in this toxic situation.

He's not going to change. You can snoop and try to control his communications, but you can't make him love or respect you.

Is this the same man?:

 

[FraniMar22]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How do you have access to his FB DMs?

It seems like you two are in a cat and mouse game regarding his contact with his former GFs.

How is your relationship overall? He seems to disrespect you, however your jealousy and policing is disrespectful as well.

Unfortunately there's no trust or respect here. 

Reflect on how long you wish to stay in this toxic situation.

He's not going to change. You can snoop and try to control his communications, but you can't make him love or respect you.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yep, that’s him.  We just moved in together last July. 
I actually came upon the info inadvertently. I have access to his email because we pay bills together. Sometimes they send a code to get in a certain account. I saw notifications in his email about the messages. As long as we’ve been together I have never snooped or invaded his privacy. This was right in my face. When I confronted him with it he offered to show me the messages to disprove me. I guess he thought he could scroll so fast I wouldn’t see, but I did. Once I did, he closed it up and refused to show me any more. That leads me to believe there’s so much more I don’t know. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, FraniMar22 said:

It ends in July.  So I have about three months to find another place in this crazy rental market. 

Ok. Well, that gives you some time to look around, and it also means you're not stuck with him that much longer. Use this time to plan your escape and make your move.

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, FraniMar22 said:

That leads me to believe there’s so much more I don’t know. 

Yes, I would operate under the assumption that what you have just discovered is just the tip of the iceberg. 

I would start making arrangements to stay somewhere else until you can formally break the lease or move out. This relationship is not salvagable. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

That’s a good question.  I’m so tired of starting over.  I don’t think I know what true love and happiness is so I keep working at something hoping it will change.  I’m so full of anxiety it’s affecting my physical health as well. 

You don't have to know what true love is or happiness is -most of us don't because they are abstract concepts and what are you "working at"? Hoping isn't "working" -that's passive when there's nothing concrete to base hope on.  What you do have to know is on a daily or hourly basis to check in with yourself as to whether you are being treated with respect, whether you trust your partner, what things you have done that day (or that hour) that represent your personal values- like, did you speak from a position of confidence -confronting someone typically doesn't show confidence if you are doing that because you were holding back from a position of fear - did you speak where you were direct and simple about your expectations "I did the dishes.  Please unload the dishwasher today.  Thanks". 

It's the daily stuff, the hourly stuff, that supports overall happiness and supports commitment.  Loving is a feeling.  Loving is giving -giving is the important part in a relationship - giving to someone you don't trust is not acting in a loving way because it's from a position of weakness and fear of being alone.

You're not going to find true love or happiness -you're going to find a situation where you treat yourself with respect and feel you are treated with respect. Whether that's a romantic relationship or some other interaction or relationship.  Don't do the cop out of justifying settling for scraps with "well I don't know what true love or happiness is so I'll just wait around and hope."  

As far as private messaging a person he had sex with -in your next relationship make that clear that that is not ok. It would be totally fine with me depending on the circumstances so if it were me I'd feel blindsided if I were accused of cheating because I stayed in touch with an ex boyfriend who I'd had sex with in the past.  I do. 

My husband has stayed in touch with exes too.  In my relationship that is not cheating or anything wrong at all.  We don't have sex outside our marriage, we don't date outside our marriage, we don't look to date outside our marriage, we don't behave inappropriately/play with fire with people of the opposite gender, etc.  We trust each other. We've never betrayed that trust.

I would never make my husband show me what he messages anyone and vice versa.  That's his private interaction and it's mine.  I've never felt the need to check his phone and I never have.  Or any of his devices.  And vice versa.  We've been together 16 years this time around, married 13.

But you are entitled to your own standards and if talking to someone of the opposite gender where there was a prior sexual relationship is not ok I'd make that clear up front that those are your values.  So there's no confusion. And if you call that cheating, say that too. Make it clear.

[FraniMar22]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

As far as private messaging a person he had sex with -in your next relationship make that clear that that is not ok.

I have made this very clear on many occasions, specifically regarding this woman.  She has consistently tried injecting herself in our relationship, and he just allows her to do it.  She can message him all she wants, but he doesn't have to answer her.  He could block her.  If a relationship is that important, it should be protected without any outside influences interfering.   It just invites trouble.  And, as long as we've been together, I have never asked to see his phone or anything of a private nature.  He offered to show me, trying to prove I was wrong.  I'm not sure what his thought process was, scrolling fast so maybe I wouldn't catch sight of the messages.  Once I saw it, he covered it up and refused to let me see anything further.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, FraniMar22 said:

 We just moved in together last July. I have access to his email because we pay bills together. 

Sever all your accounts and finances. Change all your passcodes on ALL your accounts. Focus on moving out.

You're still complaining about their relationship, yet chose to move in with someone you police and do not trust and who disrespects you in a regular basis.

[smackie9]

It's still the same old fact he is communicating to these woman inappropriately. Wishing each other a happy valentines day? Girl that's a deal breaker.

[FraniMar22]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're still complaining about their relationship, yet chose to move in with someone you police and do not trust and who disrespects you in a regular basis.

I didn't have very many options.  My landlord sold my unit and gave me limited time to move out and find a new place.  In this very overpriced rental marked and few available rentals, I had nowhere to go but move into his apartment.  Granted, I could have held out until I found another place of my own.  But, we decided to move in together and make things a little easier financially.  Honestly, be careful what you wish for.

[smackie9]

Hope you make this breakup a swift one.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, FraniMar22 said:

My landlord sold my unit and gave me limited time to move out and find a new place. I had nowhere to go but move into his apartment. we decided to move in together and make things a little easier financially.

A live-in arrangement for convenience, that is not working on a relationship level, is easy to resolve/dissolve. Simply start looking for a new place. Do you really want to be his tenant?

This would free both of you from the disrespect, contempt, policing, resentment and distrust.

Start working a second job. That accomplishes two things. More income and less time wasted monitoring his disrespect for you.

Start researching affordable housing. Rooms, house-shares, roommates, smaller places, etc. This is clearly unsustainable.