Never ending breakup

[moodindigo91]

Just kidding. But I posted maybe a few weeks ago about how a package for my ex arrived here and I just sent it back and it went swell. I still haven't talked to him. But today, I got a package FROM my ex. It was outside my door when I went to take my dog out this evening. I shook it and it sounded it a book. I have all my books. So I opened it and it contained a book, some self-help book about "deep work" and a note about how he accidentally ordered two and I was the first he thought to share it with (even though you can literally return Amazon packages with no fee and little effort). It also contained a very old shirt of mine with stains on it that he knew I only used as a gym shirt and that I literally forgot I owned. 

And also in there, was a letter. 

Idk what to think? Or if I should respond? I am not sure why he would do this. I've literally thrown away any extra little thing I've found here including t-shirts he left behind (sorry not sorry). Today was already a kind of rough day for me. After I read the letter I just cried a bunch. I put it away so I don't keep rereading it and trying to analyze every word. This is the only contact we've had since he came to pick up the last of his stuff. He says in his letter he felt compelled to "return the favor" because I gave him a short letter the last time we saw each other in person which, in summary, basically said I don't understand this but I respect his decision and I hope he learns to love himself as I loved him and that's it, really. It's not like I sent him a random letter. 

My inclination is not to respond at all. But there's definitely part of me that wants to. I have been struggling with missing him lately. 

Is this weird? This is weird right? Lol 

[Rose Mosse]

Seems inappropriate. He packed his car and left you. Do you think he thought your letter was an invitation to an ongoing penpal situation?  

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

So I opened it and it contained a book, some self-help book about "deep work"

I would find that insulting, personally. 

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

My inclination is not to respond at all.

I would listen to that instinct. 

There would be no response from me, personally. 

 

[SooSad33]

I'd leave all alone.

Why drag any of this on anymore? 😕 ( I once left a book at my ex's door that I had put away and forgot .. I msg'd him about it and said no more.. has been 2 yrs now).

You need to draw the line somewhere.. As mentioned, do you feel okay with some sort of 'pen pal'?  Nah. If you feel the need to 'say something/ write to him'? Do so, in a journal form- but don't send.  Ive done that many times.. 'venting it out'.

But be done now.

[Blue_Skirt]

2 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

Idk what to think? Or if I should respond?

Throw the book into the paper recycling bin and done, no need to overthink or respond.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

Throw the book into the paper recycling bin and done, no need to overthink or respond.

Agree. Anything related to him belongs in the dumpster.

Obviously, any type of self-help book is a passive aggressive dig.

This is more or less a Trojan horse. Something nasty dressed up as a gift.

Be glad this arrogant parasite is gone for good.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

Is this weird? This is weird right? Lol 

Missing him? Sure, we are only humans, you were together long and all. 

However, you need to stay on your path. He didnt want to marry you and left you to be crypto trader aka the gambler. Let him on his path and you take yours. Whenever you have a thought about him, remember that he left you and he doesnt deserve to even be thinking about him. So, just do nothing as you planned to do anyway.

[moodindigo91]

Thanks guys 🤗 this is all the stuff I needed to hear. You're so right. I knew it was weird and inappropriate!!! The book is not something I'd ever read anyway. Seems more and more selfish to me as time goes on. 

[moodindigo91]

8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Seems inappropriate. He packed his car and left you. Do you think he thought your letter was an invitation to an ongoing penpal situation?  

Haha idk. I handed it to him in person and never asked for a response. I even said this was going to be my last goodbye, and that he knows how I prefer to write than speak. That was in January. And HE left telling me (even though I never asked or implied anything of the sort) that I had to be okay with possibly never seeing or talking to him again lol I was like okay I will be as soon as you leave and stop coming back 😂

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, moodindigo91 said:

Haha idk. I handed it to him in person and never asked for a response. I even said this was going to be my last goodbye, and that he knows how I prefer to write than speak. That was in January. And HE left telling me (even though I never asked or implied anything of the sort) that I had to be okay with possibly never seeing or talking to him again lol I was like okay I will be as soon as you leave and stop coming back 😂

This is about power and control. I would toss the items into the recycling bin.

Throughout the relationship and towards the end he may have realized he could no longer run his power trip over you or control the way you think and feel. He left for those reasons.

Individuals who need a source to feed their ego and controlling nature like this will continue coming back for more so consistently remove and block any forms or attempts of contact.

[boltnrun]

Is he going through a dry spell? Maybe not getting any sex or attention?

This is all about him and his wants, not about being kind to you.

Donate the book, throw out the shirt and letter and go on with your life.

And if you're "missing" him, get involved in things that don't allow you time to ruminate on the past.

[moodindigo91]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is he going through a dry spell? Maybe not getting any sex or attention?

This is all about him and his wants, not about being kind to you.

Donate the book, throw out the shirt and letter and go on with your life.

And if you're "missing" him, get involved in things that don't allow you time to ruminate on the past.

Lol! Right my thought is that February was Valentine's day, also my dog's birthday (he was with us since she was a puppy) and also I took the Bar exam so it makes sense that he'd be thinking of me in my head but I still think it is inappropriate to send me a package like this! 

I've been chugging through the feelings of missing him sometimes mostly by reminding myself that he literally ditched me and left me with a mess that I'm still trying to clean up. 

Man, it's sad. It really is all about him and he like has no clue how he is coming off as extremely selfish. He probably really thinks he's like doing me a favor or something. 

[Batya33]

Hope the bar exam went well!!  Ugh. I'm so sorry you have to deal with his nonsense.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

 but I still think it is inappropriate to send me a package like this! 

Of course it is. It's like sending him a book called "The Peter Pan Syndrome".😆

[moodindigo91]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course it is. It's like sending him a book called "The Peter Pan Syndrome".😆

Lol yes my brother (before he knew that my ex already had one for himself) told me to send the book back to him with a note that said "I think you need this more than me" 😂

[Rose Mosse]

Another option is to donate it to a library. I used to donate a lot of books to the local libraries where I lived. You can email them and ask them if they'd like the copy ahead of time. Don't dump anything at the door. This was eons ago. I don't know the state of libraries now or what their process is for taking in donations.

 

[moodindigo91]

24 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Another option is to donate it to a library. I used to donate a lot of books to the local libraries where I lived. You can email them and ask them if they'd like the copy ahead of time. Don't dump anything at the door. This was eons ago. I don't know the state of libraries now or what their process is for taking in donations.

 

Yes I think I'll drop it in one of the little neighborhood libraries! I'm sure it will be useful to someone 

[moodindigo91]

Random but I jotted down a quick response letter I will never send in my journal and it was cathartic:

Dear B, 

Thank you for the package. 

While it was nice to hear from you, I think it is best that we no longer contact one another. I am truly happy to hear you're doing well. I want nothing but continued improvement for you. However, like you, I need to focus on myself. You told me when you left that I needed to be okay with the possibility of never seeing or hearing from you again, so do you. 

Unfortunately, I no longer think of you the same way. I'm sure you can imagine. The things you said (even in the letter) and did have completely changed the way I see you. This is not to say that I only see you negatively. I love you - but I cannot be anything to you anymore, nor do I want to be. I deserved better than what you gave me and I still do. You left me absolutely broken with a mess to clean for no other reason than that you are selfish. I gave you the best of me and you tossed it in the trash. It really doesn't matter anymore that you dream of me, or have positive memories. I'm glad. But of course you would. I gave you my all, and you gave me half that. Unfortunately, while I too cherish our memories and the good times, what you did reflects who you TRULY are, and it was an absolutely FINAL decision and act. 

Yes, you caused me sleepless nights. I cannot forgive you. At least not yet. My heart was shattered. I am not sure you really understand how deep my love was for you and how I've had to plunge into those depths to try to heal myself from the gaping hole you left. I don't need therapy or self-help (which is kind of insulting btw). I don't need to do inner work or heal childhood traumas. I am hurt by what YOU did and I have every right to feel that way. 

I truly wish you the best of everything. However, you made the decision to leave my life. I only ask that you adhere to the decision you made. 

[boltnrun]

What I find amusing is these men expect us to be hung up on them forever.  Because we were once completely devoted to them and enthralled with them they think they can do anything, even mistreat us and abandon us, and we'll still be there like helpless puppies, gazing at them adoringly and leaping on any contact from them.

I have a toxic ex who thinks every woman he's ever been involved with should love him and stay faithful to him for the rest of their lives. And if they move on he whines "I guess she never really loved me!!" Yet he's allowed to date around and sleep with as many women as he wants. It's ridiculous and, as you said, frankly insulting.

It's good you wrote that in your journal and that you're able to relegate him to your past. He may try again, however. These men hate to lose a fan.

[moodindigo91]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What I find amusing is these men expect us to be hung up on them forever.  Because we were once completely devoted to them and enthralled with them they think they can do anything, even mistreat us and abandon us, and we'll still be there like helpless puppies, gazing at them adoringly and leaping on any contact from them.

I have a toxic ex who thinks every woman he's ever been involved with should love him and stay faithful to him for the rest of their lives. And if they move on he whines "I guess she never really loved me!!" Yet he's allowed to date around and sleep with as many women as he wants. It's ridiculous and, as you said, frankly insulting.

Yesssss and honestly it's insulting that he thinks I need like all kinds of help to get over this break up. Like has it been difficult? Yes. Am I on the floor crying uncontrollably because he left? No. And a lot of my tears since he left have stemmed from just the stress of trying to get a job and take the Bar and sell furniture and move. 

Like I think psychology is great. But sometimes I think people get a little too tied up in trying to diagnose psychological problems in themselves and others to the point where it makes real connection nearly impossible. You don't need self-help or therapy or childhood trauma healing lol you just need to grow the *** up and be a man. No amount of therapy will do that for you. 

Just seems to me like he really just doesn't want me to forget him for some reason. But unfortunately for him the process of forgetting has already begun 😂

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Just seems to me like he really just doesn't want me to forget him for some reason.

Because he wants to keep his fan. It makes these men feel like studs to think there are women out there who can't get over their awesomeness.

He's also trying to make it seem like, if you had just gotten a handle on your issues, he might still be with you. Which is garbage. They don't leave because we had issues. They leave because they think they can come back at any time and we'll welcome them with open arms.

I completely cut my ex off. No communication. He doesn't know what city I live in. He doesn't have my number. I unfriended all his family and friends. I don't want him even on the periphery of my life.

[moodindigo91]

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He's also trying to make it seem like, if you had just gotten a handle on your issues, he might still be with you

Yes! He's made so many remarks that indirectly say this. Like I've always struggled with depression, in the letter he said he misses our little family unit (him, me and my dog) even though it was "often stressful". Idk. I love and accept myself for who I am, including the bouts of depression I sometimes go through. I recognize that I will not always be happy all the time and that this isn't even desirable. This is something he's clearly struggling with because it seems like he's trying to cure himself instead of focusing on simply changing the things about him that are holding him back and accepting and loving himself for who he is. 

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I completely cut my ex off. No communication. He doesn't know what city I live in. He doesn't have my number. I unfriended all his family and friends. I don't want him even on the periphery of my life.

Yes I've done this. Unfollowed everyone and made my social media private, blocked him. He has my number but I'll be getting a new phone soon. And he also has my address now bc he used to live here with me but I'll be moving out in 2 weeks. He left so he should be gone!

My friend even said that the trip to Greece was a way to make it difficult for me to get over him too bc he likely knew at that point that he wasn't serious about committing to me. And he knew (rightly or wrongly) that I had expectations of a proposal and stuff. I think this is probably correct. 

[Batya33]

I think IMHO your note is way too long.  I'd only include "I received your package. I know you had decent intentions and this book is not appropriate for me so I plan to donate it. Please do not contact me anymore -- keep to your decision to end our past relationship which is what I want as well.  I wish you the best -- take care.  

[boltnrun]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I think IMHO your note is way too long.  I'd only include "I received your package. I know you had decent intentions and this book is not appropriate for me so I plan to donate it. Please do not contact me anymore -- keep to your decision to end our past relationship which is what I want as well.  I wish you the best -- take care.  

I don't think she's going to send it.

2 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

I jotted down a quick response letter I will never send in my journal

 

[Lambert]

The only way to end all this is to stop responding.  Like everyone is saying... he's a jerk. From the way he left to now this.

One of the best things you can do is learn to do nothing. observe what's happening as if it's not happening to you. 

It's our ego that wants us to respond, to correct, to fix. And its completely human.  

Last week someone at work blamed me for something, in an email. (I know... nice, right?)  Everyone on the email knew it was another person in the email that was truly to blame. Everyone but this guy. 

I wanted to respond so bad and correct the person.  But I didn't.  When i slowed down and looked at the situation, I realized, I actually don't give a crap what that person says, think or does. 

Now here we are a few days later, it's nothing! Just like his pompous letter and dumb gift. 

Before you dump it or whatever, flip through it Like everything in life, it's offered, take what you like, leave the rest. I enjoy self help books. He didn't write it so don't blame the author!  lol!