break up I am considering to break up with my girlfriend

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Danny1024 said:

. Then she went extremely upset and started crying saying that we are over. it was late at night and I didn't want her to leave that late. I held her and asked her to stay 

You're just generating drama and manufacturing chaos. The only reason you did this was to upset and control her. Sooner or later she'll get sick of your games and leave on her own.

[SherrySher]

BOTH of you are at fault here and need tings to fix.

You are too suspicious, insecure and controlling.

She is too flirty, allows other men to get too close to her when she's in a relationship and has poor boundaries.

To be honest, until both of you fix your issues, neither of you are any good for a healthy relationship right now.

Don't put it all on her, that's not fair.

[reinventmyself]

When I read stories such as this I always wonder if the other person was here, what would their experience would sound like?

She is in a leadership course and as demanding as that may be the poster said he resented that rather than supported it.  A course is a moment in time and will pass.   

The story then goes on to share the course does require a certain amount of personal disclosure.  He also adds he's insecure and has relationship anxiety and doesn't like it.  He's able to track her where abouts, who she talks to, and what they talk about.  He admits it's wrong to control what she wears, but *he can't help it.  It's not entirely clear at times if she's talking to a male or female and the two get mixed up.

I can go on . . I don't know if she's a snake in the grass or he has some serious insecurity issues.  He's as much as admitted he does.  He broke up with her just to change his mind.  Threats such as this are often manipulative. Don't ever pull the break up card unless you plan on acting on it.

If she isn't already seeking attention of other men, he will surely push her into doing it.

[Rose Mosse]

You don’t trust her however. This isn’t working. End it and start working on your own issues. Date someone who has more available time to spend with you and do not ever tell someone how to dress. It’s just not necessary at all.

The back and forth is unnecessary drama. You say you’ll change and then nitpick her about something else she’s doing. The relationship is never at rest or comfortable. 

I do believe your behaviours are pushing her away and eventually she will leave you. 

[catfeeder]

As much as I may love someone, the bottom line question always comes down to: do I trust this person, or not?

I may WANt to trust, I may be willing to trust, but it all comes down to whether or not I DO trust, and the bigger question becomes, is this how I want to live?

When I decide, no, this is hell on earth, and I need to walk away from this, then I would consider working with a therapist to discover whether my mistrust in this instance is something I already brought into the relationship based on my past, or whether there was legitimate suspicious behavior from my ex--and how I can choose better partners in the future.

If it was a combo plate of mistrust plus suspicious behavior, that's a lot to unpack. My goal would be to work through my past--right down to childhood or adolescence--that has planted seeds of mistrust in me that sabotage my ability to enjoy relationships rather than treat them as something I must police.

Resentment and suspicion are poison and will either cause the demise of a relationship whether a partner behaves suspiciously or not, OR your partner is just living her life and dreams but you impose controls that make her resent YOU enough for her to decide that she has nothing to lose by destroying the relationship since you suspect her of doing that anyway.

You'll need to learn how healthy relationships are based on trust, and how you can learn to first trust your own judgment in choosing a partner that you CAN trust.

This woman is not her.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

[Danny1024]

 An update on my post:

 

So she have been continuously talking to the guy which I do not have a problem with since we have talked about it. She is doing community work with the guy since it's related to that course. I don't have a problem here too.

Then I see her sending her photo to this guy after the fact that I have communicated my boundaries to her about her interacting with other men. He has been sending her heart emojis and sending his photo before going to bed (a photo on bed). I have talked to her and she says he might be flirting with her but she has no intention to flirt back or that she have no interest in him. She also believes that I need to do the changes in myself and she is doing fine.

Now my current feelings and thoughts are that she is completely over me BUT still chooses to stay with me, have sex and spend time with me. I think that she is too afraid to quit the relationship because her and I have invested so much into this relationship over the year. From meeting each other's friends to colleagues to meeting each other's parents and siblings(I have she doesn't). We have done ton of things which neither one of us had done before.

I'm getting clearer with what I want to do with this relationship but first, I'm gonna go through the same course she went which is next month, get myself some expert coaching advice on my specific problems because she have been trained by the same coaches so they will understand our situation and be able to give me a solid advice which can be as accurate to my situation as possible.

 

Thank you for reading 🙏

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Danny1024 said:

. I think that she is too afraid to quit the relationship 

I'm getting clearer with what I , get myself some expert coaching advice. 

Yes. Even though you are jealous, controlling, overbearing and have no boundaries, she's afraid to leave. It's sad.

You need more than a coach who you'll waste your money on.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss your anger and poor self respect. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[MissCanuck]

Just break up with her already. 

This is going to end sooner or later. Might as well quit wasting your time and do it now. 

[Rose Mosse]

7 hours ago, Danny1024 said:

I'm getting clearer with what I want to do with this relationship but first, I'm gonna go through the same course she went which is next month, get myself some expert coaching advice on my specific problems because she have been trained by the same coaches so they will understand our situation and be able to give me a solid advice which can be as accurate to my situation as possible.

Focus on your courses. The relationship ended a long time ago. Good luck on the coursework and do your best.

[Danny1024]

10 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Focus on your courses. The relationship ended a long time ago. Good luck on the coursework and do your best.

Thank you~

I cannot just ignore this relationship. We are still living together, spending time together and she is still in my head. I want to come up with a conclusion or closure.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Danny1024 said:

. We are still living together. I want to come up with a conclusion or closure.

Move out. It's that simple.

[Rose Mosse]

8 hours ago, Danny1024 said:

Thank you~

I cannot just ignore this relationship. We are still living together, spending time together and she is still in my head. I want to come up with a conclusion or closure.

Leaving or separating for good is closure. You broke up already with her once and then backtracked.

What exactly are you thinking here attempting at talking again? End it and then start the healing process or enlist in therapy. Breaking up and getting back together to show frustration is not therapy or healing. You heal after you end the relationship.

You’ve only been living together for a handful of weeks. Depending on whose place it is, have her leave or you leave. Then heal. In that order.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/30/2022 at 12:16 AM, Guest Anonymous said:

It's been 1 month we started living together. 

Moving in together only makes bad relationships worse. Just like this. It's been fraught with drama and discord all along.

Move back home to your parents and focus on your studies and profession.

[Danny1024]

16 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Leaving or separating for good is closure. You broke up already with her once and then backtracked.

What exactly are you thinking here attempting at talking again? End it and then start the healing process or enlist in therapy. Breaking up and getting back together to show frustration is not therapy or healing. You heal after you end the relationship.

You’ve only been living together for a handful of weeks. Depending on whose place it is, have her leave or you leave. Then heal. In that order.

It seems much more complicated that than to me personally.

Reasons I am not ending the relationship:

1. What if I later realize that it was all my fault and all I had to do is accept her as she is? I would not be able to heal that, I know myself.

2. I still do not have anything solid to end the relationship from. Yes, I have seen her doing things that are against my boundaries (or against a monogamous relationship), but they are still not strong enough reasons to end things. Later I do not want to feel that I have been weak and I broke things off from the lowest item on the list of "Reasons to Break Up". I want a reason which is the level that leaves no other choice than to end it. Right now that reason can be either another situation of emotional intimacy with another man OR something around it because I have already expressed how much it bothers me. Being on thin ice, if she still carelessly does the same. That says a lot and that reason goes from the bottom of the list to the top just because it almost broke us apart.

 

So the reason which = almost breaking us apart happens again, there is no choice for me left.

That is the part where I want to reach, but hopefully, I will not. I am working hard on this relationship one more time and after my personal development training, I will be able to make a clearer decision. (Already gave a rough idea to my trainer about it).

 

This way my healing will be relatively easier, I will not have regrets and there will be closure.

 

Thank you for reading~ Appreciate it.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Danny1024 said:

I still do not have anything solid to end the relationship from. Yes, I have seen her doing things that are against my boundaries (or against a monogamous relationship), but they are still not strong enough reasons to end things.

It's not like you need a judge to endorse your motivations before ending it, OP. And you don't need her endorsement, either. 

If you're unhappy, go. You're over-complicating it. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Danny1024 said:

. What if I later realize that it was all my fault and all I had to do is accept her as she is? 

She'll probably end it for you, so just keep coasting along indecisively, making demands, being angry, controlling and obtuse about how to conduct a relationship. And meanwhile she'll find someone who respects and accepts her.