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I am considering to break up with my girlfriend


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Guest Anonymous

So me and my girlfriend are dating for a little over a year now. It's been 1 month we started living together. Before that, we used to meet nearly everyday. She's 26, I'm 24.

 

Now, after moving in together my girlfriend have taken up a leadership course which has her stay out for multiple days and come back late at night. I naturally am upset about it but ofc I do support her. The course require her to share the most personal things in group and she does it so with a lot of folks. She have made some male friends and talks to them often, for the little time she has at home in these few days with me, she tends to go on audio calling one of her friend. I feel left out and I did not mention it, thought I'll go easy right now cuz the course can be very intense and tiring.

 

Little do I know, she's getting very close to another guy(has girlfriend) which is too uncomfortable for my liking. I don't like to be controlling but I saw her and his messages about how she wants to go to UK and he goes on and ask her to bring him along. some more BLA BLA and then I see some message exchange about bra sizes.Moreover, she's been dressing up Extremely nicely. it's cold as fk outside and she wears short skirt even tho I asked her not to wear skirt because they can be too revealing (controlling me I know but I can't help it). if she asks me not to wear mini skirts, I won't because it makes her uncomfortable. I expect some emotional responsibility in the relationship but I am just not feeling it with her.

 

all in all, it feels like we are not the same like we used to and we are falling apart into different directions..

 

when I bring such things with her, most of the time, she laughs it off like it's nothing. But my feelings are my feelings, I expect some sympathy.

 

a bit about me.

I'm 24, pisces, this is my first serious relationship and I tend to be kind of insecure about things.

 

Maybe I am just wasting her time because if I am not being myself around her then it's pointless to be together because one way or another, we will end up not happy. My values are going to try overtaking her, she is going to resist and boom, we are done.

 

What I want from this platform and you the one reading is some opinions. Be it your own experiences(extremely appreciated), you 2 sense about my situation or just teach me a lesson if I need to learn something about relationships.

 

P.S this disturbance and relationship anxiety has been going on for some time on my side. If you guys want more details on any parts, let me know.

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If you are not confortable with the relationship then slow it down and obviously she is progressing in her life and career so why won't you. If you are thinking of settling then the way you explaining the situation, it is not going to happen. I can talk from my personal life's experience I have been into similar kind of situtation wherein If I had been moved on let say I would have lost a good friend. And first relationship is very hard to get over if things won't work out. I mean you being for her won't solve this situation. So talk to her slow a bit before it becomes a toxic relationship. I hope that helps.

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She's checking out of this relationship, and already had someone else she's eyeing up. 

That's all you need to know. Her heart isn't really with you anymore, so I would not drag out the inevitable. My vote goes for parting ways before this gets any uglier. 

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I asked her not to wear skirt because they can be too revealing (controlling me I know but I can't help it)

But I have to call you out here. You asbolutely can help it - just don't do it. It's inappropriate to tell an adult what to wear, and you need to stay in your lane. If you don't like what she's wearing, find a woman whose manner of dress already conforms to your preferences. 

But since this relationship is already careening into the ditch, what she wears is of little relevance. The bigger issue is that she's losing interest in you and behaving badly with someone else. It's time to walk away. 

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Guest Anonymous
2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 if she asks me not to wear mini skirts, I won't because it makes her uncomfortable.

Sorry this is happening. It's not working out. Is she bisexual? 

Tell her it's not working and give her adequate legal Written notice to vacate your place.

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1 minute ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Sorry this is happening. It's not working out. Is she bisexual? 

Tell her it's not working and give her adequate legal Written notice to vacate your place.

no, I'm a straight guy and she's a straight girl. I made a little joke there to keeps things interesting for the readers that's all

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24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She's checking out of this relationship, and already had someone else she's eyeing up. 

That's all you need to know. Her heart isn't really with you anymore, so I would not drag out the inevitable. My vote goes for parting ways before this gets any uglier. 

But I have to call you out here. You asbolutely can help it - just don't do it. It's inappropriate to tell an adult what to wear, and you need to stay in your lane. If you don't like what she's wearing, find a woman whose manner of dress already conforms to your preferences. 

But since this relationship is already careening into the ditch, what she wears is of little relevance. The bigger issue is that she's losing interest in you and behaving badly with someone else. It's time to walk away. 

Hi, I have written a previous thread about my same relationship and you were there so thank you for following up (maybe you don't remember)

 

I want to ask what reasons can I have to be certain that she is checking out? what points did you observe in my story? I can go ahead and end things with her even tho I love her but it won't workout. 

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3 minutes ago, Danny1024 said:

no, I'm a straight guy and she's a straight girl. keeps things interesting for the readers that's all

You've never trusted her or gotten along well and now she's still texting other guys? Don't wear miniskirts.

Is this the same woman?:

 

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've never trusted her or gotten along well and now she's still texting other guys? Don't wear miniskirts.

Is this the same woman?:

 

yes it's the same woman. those other guys she's texting are her group mates. but the conversation are quite personal. provided that the program requires them to be person with each other. she is doing it outside the classes too.

 

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8 minutes ago, Danny1024 said:

I want to ask what reasons can I have to be certain that she is checking out? what points did you observe in my story? I can go ahead and end things with her even tho I love her but it won't workout. 

She's flirting with another man and getting attached to him with all these calls. 

It's quite obvious, unforuantely. Women in love with their men don't have conversations like that with other dudes. She's as interested in him as he is in her. 

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9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She's flirting with another man and getting attached to him with all these calls. 

It's quite obvious, unforuantely. Women in love with their men don't have conversations like that with other dudes. She's as interested in him as he is in her. 

the calls are to her female friend.. the conversation with him are midnight on the way back home. it's not a thing, just these few days. 

 

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6 minutes ago, Danny1024 said:

the calls are to her female friend.. the conversation with him are midnight on the way back home. it's not a thing, just these few days. 

 

Same difference. 

They're not what a woman in love does. If she's just seen him at this course, why the private calls on the way home? And what course runs that late? 

You are evidently going through her phone to have discovered this (I assume), so even you know something is not right here. 

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I say do it.  End it with her.

She's shown some red flags and is obviously okay with flirting with other guys.

IF she had some self respect and respect for you & this relationship, she wouldn't be acting out this way with other men.

She has upset you with her behaviour and I'm sure you don't trust her.  Then just be done with it all.

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3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

So me and my girlfriend are dating for a little over a year now. It's been 1 month we started living together. Before that, we used to meet nearly everyday. She's 26, I'm 24.

 

Now, after moving in together my girlfriend have taken up a leadership course which has her stay out for multiple days and come back late at night. I naturally am upset about it but ofc I do support her. The course require her to share the most personal things in group and she does it so with a lot of folks. She have made some male friends and talks to them often, for the little time she has at home in these few days with me, she tends to go on audio calling one of her friend. I feel left out and I did not mention it, thought I'll go easy right now cuz the course can be very intense and tiring.

 

Little do I know, she's getting very close to another guy(has girlfriend) which is too uncomfortable for my liking. I don't like to be controlling but I saw her and his messages about how she wants to go to UK and he goes on and ask her to bring him along. some more BLA BLA and then I see some message exchange about bra sizes.Moreover, she's been dressing up Extremely nicely. it's cold as fk outside and she wears short skirt even tho I asked her not to wear skirt because they can be too revealing (controlling me I know but I can't help it). if she asks me not to wear mini skirts, I won't because it makes her uncomfortable. I expect some emotional responsibility in the relationship but I am just not feeling it with her.

 

all in all, it feels like we are not the same like we used to and we are falling apart into different directions..

 

when I bring such things with her, most of the time, she laughs it off like it's nothing. But my feelings are my feelings, I expect some sympathy.

 

a bit about me.

I'm 24, pisces, this is my first serious relationship and I tend to be kind of insecure about things.

 

Maybe I am just wasting her time because if I am not being myself around her then it's pointless to be together because one way or another, we will end up not happy. My values are going to try overtaking her, she is going to resist and boom, we are done.

 

What I want from this platform and you the one reading is some opinions. Be it your own experiences(extremely appreciated), you 2 sense about my situation or just teach me a lesson if I need to learn something about relationships.

 

P.S this disturbance and relationship anxiety has been going on for some time on my side. If you guys want more details on any parts, let me know.

From my own experiences and wisdom:

1.) You can't control what others do, ever. Who she talks to, how she dresses, what she decides to do, how she reacts to you... are all her own decisions and should be her own decisions. 

You may not like them, or they may hurt you, but you can always end the relationship if it bothers you greatly.

However, you can't dictate, criticize, control, guilt, pout, demand, nor should you. 

You have to allow people to have freedom of choice, and hope they make the right decision that aligns with your own morals, judgements, values, etc.

2.) The more you try to control, you further she will run from you. It's like trying to squeeze a bird in your hand, it will fight for it's freedom the harder you squeeze.

Control does not work. You really do have to allow total freedom and let her go if her choices are hurting you.

3.) Start taking note of your reactions. When you are hurt, angry, insecure, sad, etc. Don't always jump to blame the other person. Recognize your own issues and past trauma that may be contributing to these reactions. Are there other issues going on that you need to heal from first before you're ready to be in a relationship? Do you have anxiety issues, insecurity issues, issues with feeling less self worth, that you may need to be working on your own before you're ready to be healthy enough to be in a relationship? 

Although I do think your partner needs to work on her boundaries when it comes to other men, I also don't see that she is making huge errors in her choices. She is living her life, going to a leadership course, making friends, dressing in ways that make her feel cute.

All of these things don't automatically mean she is trying to cheat, or get other men's attention.

But on the other hand, I do wonder how much you are doing in your life that allows you this much time that you seem to be noticing everything she is doing, being very watchful, and somewhat resentful and insecure about it.

Are you working, or going to school? Do you have your own friends with whom you can spend time with, and go out with?

I feel like if you were living a full life too, you wouldn't be watching her every move and being this upset about it.

 

Edited by SherrySher
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33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Rifling through each other's phones indicates serious trust and control issues. Yes. End it you're too jealous and controlling.

Yes you are probably right. I'll be breaking up with her, fix myself up before getting into another relationship. Thanks!

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Guest Anonymous

Sounds like a snake in the grass. 

It’s up to you if you want to give her a chance (I personally wouldn’t) to see if she changes or not, but you definitely need to set your boundaries.

I would say something along lines of:

If the roles were reversed and I was hanging out with a drop dead gorgeous beautiful receptionist that I’m working with how would you feel about that? Who I can tell has a crush on me. How would you feel? Would you like that? Would you be a little jealous? Would that bother you? Do you think that’s loving and sweet and kind?”

If she continues to do it, then I would just end it with something like:

Hey you know I think you are great, but I kind of want to see other people.

I just don’t think as far as being exclusive with you that you exude the kind of loyalty I’m looking for. The right kind of woman would never do what you’ve been doing with this other guy or any other guy for that matter. 

I can understand if you’ve been friends and you’ve known eachother, this kind of situation I don’t like it and I wouldn’t do it to you, but you’re doing it to me.

I’ve already expressed how I don’t appreciate this and nothing changed. So your words and your actions don’t match. So that just tells me I doubt your integrity. I’m sorry if this upsets you but that’s where I’m at. What am I supposed to do? I’m just looking at your actions and words they don’t match. “

Hope this helps. Life’s too short for such drama.

 

 

 

 

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12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Just end it. No lectures. Just a clean break then delete and block and move forward in peace.

so I did talk about a break up. Then she went extremely upset and started crying saying that we are over. it was late at night and I didn't want her to leave that late. I held her and asked her to stay because she said she loves me too much. in the morning, I thought about it and felt like I can work on myself being in the relationship and I told her this too. I told her I will fix this. She didn't say anything. now I'm at work and she's at home (off today). I don't know if I will see her when I go back home. 

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Guest Anonymous

Pay attention to her actions, not words or crying. I’ve had very deceptive and dishonest women cry when they were cheating. 

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7 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Pay attention to her actions, not words or crying. I’ve had very deceptive and dishonest women cry when they were cheating.

I'll see what she does. She even said "I never even cheated on you" Idk what is that suppose to mean. She's not doing me a favor for not cheating. 

 

All in all, I'll see what she does. if she stays, I will find out if she is willing to change her behavior, but if she continues to do the same things after this big of an event. Then that time, I will make the final decision and won't look back. Idk if I am doing it the right way but there needs to be some room for chances and a transitional period. it's not like I dated for a month, it's been a year. 

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Guest Anonymous
2 minutes ago, Danny1024 said:

I'll see what she does. She even said "I never even cheated on you" Idk what is that suppose to mean. She's not doing me a favor for not cheating. 

 

All in all, I'll see what she does. if she stays, I will find out if she is willing to change her behavior, but if she continues to do the same things after this big of an event. Then that time, I will make the final decision and won't look back. Idk if I am doing it the right way but there needs to be some room for chances and a transitional period. it's not like I dated for a month, it's been a year. 

I think you are doing it the right way. She may not have thought what she was doing was wrong. You’ll see in the next 30 days or so. It’s good you stepped up for your boundaries and she will probably respect you for that.

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6 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I think you are doing it the right way. She may not have thought what she was doing was wrong. You’ll see in the next 30 days or so. It’s good you stepped up for your boundaries and she will probably respect you for that.

Thanks for the support. I will probably keep this thread updated. keep myself sane.

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4 hours ago, Danny1024 said:

felt like I can work on myself being in the relationship and I told her this too. I told her I will fix this.

This is backwards. What is she going to do to fix this? 

Is she going to stop the flirty chats with other people? Is she going to cut the late-night calls to other guys?

She's showing you all sorts of red-flag behaviour...yet you're the one who's trying to save the day here? 

Forgive me, but that makes no sense. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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