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Help to move on and stop feeling guilty


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Help to move on

Dear all,
In September my fiancé (M.) dumped me, and I can’t seem to be able to move on. I keep on blaming myself and wondering whether I overdid certain things. I’d be very grateful to read honest advice.
I met M. some 10 years ago, he was married and cheated on his wife with me. It was a quick affair and we both went on with our lives. He got divorced and after a couple of years restarted contact with me asking me to move with him to Mexico (he’s Mexican and I’m European). I had a partner then and was doing my phd so I told him no. Yet, we continued in touch, he visited in 2014, and then in 2019. By then, I had broken up with my partner and M. kept on insisting that I moved with him, so eventually I decided to give it a go. He then proposed and I quit my job in Germany, sold my things and moved to Mexico. Before moving I asked him what if I didn’t like it in Mexico, and he said we could move back to Europe...
Once in Mexico, my job there was not as expected, I felt super useless and badly treated and when I told him he accused me of always complaining about everything. It was not until they threatened me to deport me for no reason and when three other people quit that M. believed me. During this time (this was all happening during the first month or two) I did not have many chances to meet people because of the COVID restrictions so I spent most days alone feeling down... Although I told him my being down was not his fault, his reaction was more like: I’m not happy like this, I don’t feel complete and by the way I’m never ever going back to Europe, so maybe it was better for me to go. This was for me a big shock, especially since I had left everything to move in with him...
After 4 months or so, I was sent a chat history between him and a female friend of his, who he introduced me to to be her friend, where they shared all sorts of sexual details, including sex with me before my moving to Mexico. The messages were very shocking or me because he takes about women like pieces of meat, me mocked me and my family when he came visit, made fun of some romantic things I had done for him, shared with this friend port videos between himself and a random girl (without the girls consent), bragged about having sex with his students or about how he was going to have to “****” the lady at the immigration department to get my visa. Also, while I was still in Europe applying for jobs in Mexico he had been sleeping around with people that were among his cicle of friend, to whom I was introduced without knowing... I don’t know, I felt totally stupid and humiliated. I told him and refused to see his friends (at least for a while) and we fought a lot. Although he admitted it, he kept on changing dates as to whether he’d been sleeping around while we were together apart or not. It drove me crazy. Was I overreacting? Or do you think his was a super disrespectful behaviour? 
Some friend told me to leave him when I saw these messages but I guess I still loved him and had put too much at play to be with him... yet, even though I tried, I couldn’t help feeling very resentful and always snapped at some sexist comments of his (for instance, I used to work on Jordan and Egypt and was harassed by a colleague, and I told M. he was like: well, what do you women expect when you go to these countries)? 

Besides this, when I quit that job, I obtained two very good contracts, which would however require me to travel regularly. His response was: if you’re gonna be travelling so much (1 month out of 6), what kind of relationship is this? We’d better break up.

I think the whole thing messed up my mind a lot and I keep on blaming myself for not having done more to safe the relationship... what do you guys think? Please, be honest.
E.

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Feeling guilty for what? Only thing you should be feeling guilty is that you even gave a serious cheater a chance. Other then that, guy is a pig. OK you fell for that, but you shouldnt feel guilty for not doing enough. That kind of guys would cheat either way, even if you would be a perfect wife type. Reflect more on your choices, not to repeat them again. Otherwise, celebrate that you are out of that relationship. 

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4 hours ago, Madammebutterfly said:

Was I overreacting? Or do you think his was a super disrespectful behaviour? 

Not only was he disrespectful, I wouldn't have stayed there long enough to have even discovered the messages and cheating. He already showed you his capacity for disloyalty by cheating on his wife, and usurping your entire life to be with him so quickly was also a mistake. But this is the part that would have sent me back home, pronto:

Quote

I felt super useless and badly treated and when I told him he accused me of always complaining about everything.

That's the kind of gaslighting that would have opened my eyes--so the rest would have been undiscovered, and in hindsight, it's irrelevant.

The guy was horrible, and you've dodged a bullet. The sooner you can grasp that, the better for your own head and future. 

Head high, move your focus forward, and you will thank yourself sooner rather than later.

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Don't feel guilt over this guy.  He showed some disrespect towards you & women in general, right?  Plus sounds like a player 😕 .

You went there, you gave it a try.. He is NOT what you thought he'd be.  People change over time and experience changes them as well.

Time to get away from this one for good.  Get yourself back to good and admit it was a learning experience.

 

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5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Not only was he disrespectful, I wouldn't have stayed there long enough to have even discovered the messages and cheating. He already showed you his capacity for disloyalty by cheating on his wife, and usurping your entire life to be with him so quickly was also a mistake. But this is the part that would have sent me back home, pronto:

That's the kind of gaslighting that would have opened my eyes--so the rest would have been undiscovered, and in hindsight, it's irrelevant.

The guy was horrible, and you've dodged a bullet. The sooner you can grasp that, the better for your own head and future. 

Head high, move your focus forward, and you will thank yourself sooner rather than later.

Thanks for your words. I agree, that kind of unsupportive behaviour towards someone whose just landed in a new country is just disappointing...

And yes, everyone tells me it’s the best things that could have happened to me. Still, I think it all happened so fast that it was shocking and hard to process. Also, the good moments were very good, and those are the memories on (inexplicably) sticks to... 

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14 hours ago, Madammebutterfly said:

 he was married and cheated on his wife with me. 

Unfortunately you knew he was a snake 🐍 all along but decided you would opt for this far-fetched adventure which turned out to be a nightmare.

If you are happy with the job, country, climate, etc. Then stay.  If not perhaps you can move back.

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4 hours ago, Madammebutterfly said:

Thanks for your words. I agree, that kind of unsupportive behaviour towards someone whose just landed in a new country is just disappointing...

And yes, everyone tells me it’s the best things that could have happened to me. Still, I think it all happened so fast that it was shocking and hard to process. Also, the good moments were very good, and those are the memories on (inexplicably) sticks to... 

My intent is not to be dismissive of your legitimate grief, rather it's to point to a productive direction of healing and learning instead of allowing the experience to cause you unnecessary harm.

Learning inspires confidence in our capacity for better decisions as we move forward, while viewing our experiences through a lens of just happening 'to' us imposes insecurities and a belief that we are somehow at the mercy of other people's lousy judgment.

So I'd find value in recognizing my own willingness to overlook all of the red flags along the way. A person's capacity for disloyalty toward a spouse being the biggest--it's a foundation of deception that you can't overcome. It's a giant neon sign that tells you exactly what's ahead for you if you mess with this person.

Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're too lonely or desperate to recognize a snake and avoid picking it up to play with it." 

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15 hours ago, Madammebutterfly said:

and I keep on blaming myself for not having done more to safe the relationship...

What to blame yourself for, in order to gain life lessons, yet certainly not to save a toxic relationship? Here it goes:

Walk away as soon as you find out someone is taken. There are NO exceptions. NONE. A mature and ethically sound person ends one relationship before beginning another.

When you are in a relationship, don't communicate with other men you've been intimate with. It's disrespectful to your partner and bad for your primary relationship.

Don't make major decisions like moving in with someone until engaging in local, regular dating experiences for at least a good year. During that time, you will learn a lot, and see if there are any skeletons in the closet. Going from seeing each other about 4 times in 10 years, to living together, was too much too soon. Not that it would work out in this case, regardless.

At every single point on this journey, you took a wrong turn, so it is not surprising you didn't end up at your expected destination.

Go back home. Learn from your mistakes, while staying alone, because you need time to reflect, and especially build your self esteem. If you don't, you will repeat the same mistakes with a different toxic man. Until you think this relationship wasn't worth saving, don't date, as you're still not able to detect toxicity. When you are ready, stick to local dating so you can really get to know a man in all the important ways, and you won't have to uproot your life.

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5 hours ago, Madammebutterfly said:

the good moments were very good, and those are the memories on (inexplicably) sticks to... 

That is not unusual. In fact, many people stay in bad relationships for this exact reason. The terrible lows make the highs seem like the top of Mt. Everest. But the average quality of a tumultuous relationship is way lower than the average quality of a stable, healthy relationship. Fielding a partner's manipulation, lies, cheating, abuse, etc., ensure it. 

After a while, you will stop feasting so much on the good memories. Hopefully, you will learn to steer yourself away from this dynamic in the future. The drama can be fun, and crazy-people sex is often highly rated. But the dynamic is addictive and destructive.

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