How do I know of my boyfriend is ready for a relationship?

[Inoroutofrelationship]

While I’ve been seeing someone exclusively for several months and generally have been happy in the relationship, I’m getting a nagging feeling that this person has only one foot in the relationship. Here’s why I say this:

he’s been divorced for only 3 years after 34 year marriage. When I asked why the divorce he tells me his ex wasn’t happy but it had nothing to do with sex or money. 

I know he keep in regular contact with this ex and he spent thanksgiving with her at the home he gave her in the divorce (which was the home they shared for many years) with their adult kids and met the parents of his sons girlfriend. They took a picture and there he was standing right behind his ex like the other husbands. 
then he tells me he, his ex and kids are invited to a wedding out of state in New Orleans in March and “he feels bad but he can’t invite me because it will be too uncomfortable”. Really isn’t it weird he is going with his ex out of state to a wedding? I told him there’s only room for 2 of us in this relationship and he seemed to sympathized but no plans changed. At that point we’d be together more than 6 months. 
he also tells me he’s telling his adult kids about me but I don’t think he did but he did tell me he told his ex about me….why??

he was supposed to make plans for me to meet his kids…but no plans. 
he has introduced me to some of his friends but that’s it. 
I haven’t been introduced to his brother either although he tells me he told the brother about me. 
I make him dinners weekends and he never asks to bring any wine or anything and he comes empty handed. I always bring him something when I go to his place. 
Then he met my kids yesterday and while checking out if the restaurant he looks at me and says “you got this right” so I paid for everyone’s dinner including his. Afterwards we went to a sports game and while he never offered to buy anyone water including me after paying for his dinner he pulls out breadsticks from his pocket a few times and never offers it to anyone. 
he does generally pay when we do go out for dinner but that doesn’t happen often. He tells me he is financially well off and only lives in the one bedroom apartment since the divorce and wants to live somewhere nicer “because he can afford it”. But meanwhile the apartment is bare. I’m financially well settled and live in a valuable home and he tells me that “between the 2 of us we can live very nicely”. 
Is this guy just using me? He is very nice but I keep thinking he has one foot out of this relationship and stuck in his prior marriage. 

 

[Andrina]

What you see now is what you can expect for a lifetime. It's always more realistic to not expect behavior to change, as there's no guarantee anything will change for the better, and it's better to date someone you don't want to change in a major way. 

So in a 6 month period, he will be spending time with his ex twice at family gatherings. So you can expect this for a lifetime on average 2 to 4 times a year. 

There are plenty of nice people in the world. But choosing a partner wisely involves so much more than one good trait.

After only 2 months of dating, I find it far too soon to be meeting family. It's usually far wiser to get past the honeymoon stage, to wait for skeletons to come out of the closet, and to see how a partner handles major things in life to see if he has good life partner potential. 

You're already writing on a forum about problems, so why would you want family introductions when the relationship could fall apart tomorrow? That's usually reserved for a time when the relationship has already been established on a firm foundation which takes at minimum a good year.

A cheapskate who regularly spends time with an ex. Yeah, that would be settling.

[junebug123]

I have a different take on this. Your probably not going to like my opinion but it’s an honest one.

My father was divorced from my mom for several years before he met his next wife. Let’s call her the jealous step mother. Basically, my mom had already moved on with her life but from time to time my dad would spend time with us and my mom.

It happened a lot more when we were younger, him and my mother never slept together at all. Of course there were times when my step mother would attend but they were very far and few in between, really it was time for us to be together as a family and no one really wanted her involved in some of our outings anyways.

Most of the time my dad was strapped for cash. You don’t really know this mans financial situation, if anything he’s probably paying child support and house payments.

It seems like he’s into you, but obviously he has baggage. I would expect this to be the norm from men of this age. Like the other poster said, things might not change. Meaning the financial situation or ties to his old family. Unless he’s actively sleeping at his ex wife’s house, then I would try not to worry about it.

They’ve been separated for 3 years? Find out if his wife is currently seeing anyone, if she is then that would be a relief. 

[Wiseman2]

How old is he? What exactly are you getting out of this? 

His life is with his wife and family. You're acting like a soup kitchen and BnB with benefits.

Talk to your adult children and trusted friends and family. Sounds like a romance scam.

[Jibralta]

Are you sure he's really divorced?

[Tinydance]

7 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I have a different take on this. Your probably not going to like my opinion but it’s an honest one.

My father was divorced from my mom for several years before he met his next wife. Let’s call her the jealous step mother. Basically, my mom had already moved on with her life but from time to time my dad would spend time with us and my mom.

It happened a lot more when we were younger, him and my mother never slept together at all. Of course there were times when my step mother would attend but they were very far and few in between, really it was time for us to be together as a family and no one really wanted her involved in some of our outings anyways.

Most of the time my dad was strapped for cash. You don’t really know this mans financial situation, if anything he’s probably paying child support and house payments.

It seems like he’s into you, but obviously he has baggage. I would expect this to be the norm from men of this age. Like the other poster said, things might not change. Meaning the financial situation or ties to his old family. Unless he’s actively sleeping at his ex wife’s house, then I would try not to worry about it.

They’ve been separated for 3 years? Find out if his wife is currently seeing anyone, if she is then that would be a relief. 

She actually wrote that this man's children are adults. This is why I actually think this situation does sound dodgy. If the children are adults then he wouldn't be paying child support anymore. Also why would he be spending time with his ex wife and children "as a family" when the kids are adults now? It's not like they have school performances or sports games and things like that, that both parents would attend together. When your children are adults I would think that the parents can actually spend time with them separately. E.g. Go out for lunch or with the kids on their own. Unless it's a big event for their child like their wedding day, I don't actually think there's a need for both parents to go to things together.

[Tinydance]

Well the way that I always think about these situations is....If you felt that you needed to post about your relationship here then obviously you feel that something is off. I think our gut feeling is usually right, and yours is telling you something. 

I'm not sure if he's actually still not over his ex, but the main thing here is how seriously does he appear to actually be into you? He may not necessarily still be into his ex wife but just the impression that I get is that he's not that committed to you. It might be because of his ex but it might also be because "he's just not that into you". 

Him going to the wedding with his kids and his wife and not inviting you does seem off. Usually people are allowed a plus one to a wedding, so he most likely has the opportunity to bring you along. It sounded from what you wrote that his ex wife and children are already invited separately, so he should have a space also for you to come as a plus one. And even if his ex wife wasn't invited to the wedding, it should be YOU he should be bringing along because it's you who is his partner, not her.

The fact that he keeps asking you to pay for everything also seems off. It's OK if you both took turns paying, but if he usually expects you to pay then it sounds like he's taking advantage of you. 

Also if after more than six months he hasn't introduced you to his kids then that's not a good sign in my opinion. If the kids are adults then it's not like they'd get attached to you or something the way that children do. So it shouldn't really be a problem to introduce you.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Are you sure he's really divorced?

Exactly what I was going to ask.

You know how you know a man is ready for a relationship with you?  Because he tells you and closes the deal.  Because what man in his right mind would want to risk having his person snapped up by someone else while he hems and haws or acts vague about his intentions?  No therapy degrees needed.  It's really that simple and basic. 

My only caveat is I do know of people who "know" early on they want to be with the person but think with their heads and wait about 2 months or so of regular dating before expressing intentions -just so they're not acting too hastily/impulsively. But even in those 2 months the actions are obvious and the words are just like "duh of course you want to be exclusively dating me".  

Watch Harry Met Sally - when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." (also applies to "want to be exclusive with that person")

[Wiseman2]

My advice about this man/your situation is the same as in your thread under a different user name: