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Looking at her social media...


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Long story short, my ex suffered a nervous breakdown four months ago and disappeared on me.  She blocked me everywhere so I couldn't even try to talk to her.  Keep in mind at the time I didn't know she had a nervous breakdown.  I just thought I did something to piss her off.  So for the last four months I've been trying to figure out what I did. 

I had to distance myself from some mutual friends for a little while because they wouldn't stop reporting back to me everything she posted on Facebook.  I even had one person sending me screenshots.  She never talked bad about me from what I could see.  But I didn't need to know everything going on in her life.  I figured she doesn't want me knowing, so don't tell me.  I even had to block a good friend of mine on messager because he just insisted on telling me everything. 

Well, two weeks ago she reached out to apologize.  We've been talking off and on since then and she unblocked me on Facebook.  Well, ever since then I've been creeping on her profile at least once a day.  I'm sure she's probably creeping on mine too, but that's her issue.   And we are both in a group for LGBTQ people in our area.  She posted in that group a few days ago saying she was looking to make some new friends in the area and she specified she is not looking to hook up or date anyone.  I know it shouldn't matter, but reading that was a relief.  Seeing her trolling for a hookup or more would have been upsetting.  And she also changed her profile pic to a picture that was taken on our first date which really confused me.  I am not in the pic.  It's actually a pic I took of her that night.  

So, I know this is unhealthy behavior.  I am clinically diagnosed with OCD.  It's to the point now where I can see it becoming a ritual.  Today I told myself I wouldn't go look at her profile, and I didn't at first, but then about an hour ago I did.  I'm still in love with her.  I will admit that.  But I know I shouldn't be looking at her social media. I am still trying to focus on my healing and this is taking away from that.  So, does anyone have any advice on how to stop myself?  I also think I'm going to leave the LGBTQ group, at least for the time being. 

Keep in mind my question is how to stop.  I don't need to hear over and over again what a bad person I am for looking and what a bad person she is for leaving me.  That IS NOT what I'm asking about.  If people want to start arguing and twisting everything I say around I will ask the mods to close this thread myself.  I shouldn't have to defend my position when I'm trying to stop an unhealthy behavior.  And yes, before everyone asks, I'm in therapy. 

Thanks. 

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27 minutes ago, Cynder said:

So, does anyone have any advice on how to stop myself?  I also think I'm going to leave the LGBTQ group, at least for the time being. 

I think you will have to do so, yes. 

It's triggering for you, so it's best to cut it off at the source. That could mean blocking her on FB altogether. 

 

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4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you will have to do so, yes. 

It's triggering for you, so it's best to cut it off at the source. That could mean blocking her on FB altogether. 

 

I have considered just completely deactivating my Facebook account for a while.  It sucks that my business relies on it so much when it's not festival season.  But I might just have to go without it for a while and let my business take a hit. 

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This might be odd, but can you talk to her and ask her to block you again specifically on FB and explain why you need that honestly? Would she do that for you without taking it the wrong way? 

That would be one way you have to stop without your business suffering. You could even ask for a set time frame if that would help you maybe?

On a side note, of course you are still very much in love and not over her given that it's only been 4 months and very tumultuous and confusing ones at that. Be sure to be kind and patient with yourself as you figure your way forward, whichever way it may be in the end.

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2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

This might be odd, but can you talk to her and ask her to block you again specifically on FB and explain why you need that honestly? Would she do that for you without taking it the wrong way? 

That would be one way you have to stop without your business suffering. You could even ask for a set time frame if that would help you maybe?

On a side note, of course you are still very much in love and not over her given that it's only been 4 months and very tumultuous and confusing ones at that. Be sure to be kind and patient with yourself as you figure your way forward, whichever way it may be in the end.

It's a thought.  I am not sure how she would take it.  And also I would be embarrassed admitting to her that I keep wanting to look. 

 

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14 minutes ago, Cynder said:

It's a thought.  I am not sure how she would take it.  And also I would be embarrassed admitting to her that I keep wanting to look. 

 

If she is generally a kind person, then she won't think less of you for needing what you need and for being honest about it. I'd imagine that she does know about your OCD tendency, so she is likely to understand better than an average person.

The only other alternative is taking a complete sabbatical from FB until you do break away from that compulsion to look. Being that it's the holidays, it might work if you just tell people that you are taking the holidays off and hopefully that's enough time for you to break away from this ritual forming. It's kind of that time of year where most people would be understanding about that. A bit like hanging a sign on the door of a store "On break, be back by...."

Edited by DancingFool
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14 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

If she is generally a kind person, then she won't think less of you for needing what you need and for being honest about it. I'd imagine that she does know about your OCD tendency, so she is likely to understand better than an average person.

The only other alternative is taking a complete sabbatical from FB until you do break away from that compulsion to look. Being that it's the holidays, it might work if you just tell people that you are taking the holidays off and hopefully that's enough time for you to break away from this ritual forming. It's kind of that time of year where most people would be understanding about that. A bit like hanging a sign on the door of a store "On break, be back by...."

Yea, a lot of people unplug for the holidays.  And all my Holiday commissions are already ordered, so it's not like I will lose any money.

She knows about my OCD.  It was discussed at length before we even got together.  I remember explaining to her that OCD isn't what society thinks it is.  I am not obsessed with cleanliness and having everything in its place.  I am not bothered by odd numbers.  I have to bite my tongue every time I hear someone say, "Oh I'm so OCD."  I just want to be like, "Uh... no you're not." 

I don't think she ever really understood.  She tried.  But it's hard to understand when you don't deal with it. 

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4 hours ago, DancingFool said:

The only other alternative is taking a complete sabbatical from FB until you do break away from that compulsion to look. Being that it's the holidays, it might work if you just tell people that you are taking the holidays off

I like this ^^^, but rather than make it about taking a break, could you possibly use a FB post to redirect people to find you on another site? 

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IMO, has only been 4 mos?

If you were totally into this gal for a good amt of time & emotionally invested, all of this will affect you for a while.. Much longer than 4 mos time.

And sadly, you've had no end of relief due to friends. ( and even to the point you removed some?).  Then , yeah it may be a good idea to continue down these lines - where you try hard to have nothing to do with her anymore, in order to work on accepting & healing.

In which case, you have a decent convo with her and explain that you can't do this.

I have an ex I had a hard time getting over and him being so local to me made it all that much harder 😕 .. Yes, the less we know the better in order to get over them!

But, we were actually never friends on FB, just spoke in messenger.  

Honestly, is there any reason you two need to talk?  I explained to my ex, I could not 'be friends', as we were more than that and is hard to 'go backwards'.. I had to do this for my own sanity.  Have not spoken now for almost 2 yrs.

So, think on this and how you know you just have to.

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6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

IMO, has only been 4 mos?

If you were totally into this gal for a good amt of time & emotionally invested, all of this will affect you for a while.. Much longer than 4 mos time.

And sadly, you've had no end of relief due to friends. ( and even to the point you removed some?).  Then , yeah it may be a good idea to continue down these lines - where you try hard to have nothing to do with her anymore, in order to work on accepting & healing.

In which case, you have a decent convo with her and explain that you can't do this.

I have an ex I had a hard time getting over and him being so local to me made it all that much harder 😕 .. Yes, the less we know the better in order to get over them!

But, we were actually never friends on FB, just spoke in messenger.  

Honestly, is there any reason you two need to talk?  I explained to my ex, I could not 'be friends', as we were more than that and is hard to 'go backwards'.. I had to do this for my own sanity.  Have not spoken now for almost 2 yrs.

So, think on this and how you know you just have to.

Well, considering she just disappeared on me due to mental health reasons, then she just shows up out of nowhere to tell me how sorry she is...  I think I need to be apologized to face to face.  Anyone can send a message.  She says she isn't ready to meet face to face yet and I don't know if I am either. 

And eventually, when the time is right I hope we can give it another try.  I have more I could say here but I have to leave for work. 

Edited by Cynder
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Layperson here on all matters OCD.  I thought of this.  Backstory -my friend was writing a novel, a memoir.  So busy otherwise.  She wanted to make sure she finished her proposal to an agent by X date.  To do so she had to stop procrastinating (like you wish to stop looking).  So she found out about this idea others do -you promise to give X amount to your least favorite charity -indeed, a hated charity works best -or cause -if you don't fulfil your promise to yourself.  She finished.  It wasn't worth the consequence (I loved what she chose -lol- but won't post it here).

I was originally going to suggest bribing yourself but that seemed even more obvious than my attempt above.  I hear you on needing social media for your business -I have a number of friends in that situation.  I'm sorry you're in it!

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5 hours ago, Cynder said:

Well, considering she just disappeared on me due to mental health reasons, then she just shows up out of nowhere to tell me how sorry she is...  I think I need to be apologized to face to face.  Anyone can send a message.  She says she isn't ready to meet face to face yet and I don't know if I am either. 

And eventually, when the time is right I hope we can give it another try.  I have more I could say here but I have to leave for work. 

So, I guess she is aware you want this - face to face.

If neither of you are ready, then there it sits.

IF you are wanting some sort of 'closure', you may not get that.  We need to find this within ourselves.

And as for you two 'trying again'?  She walked away & went silent due to her break down.  She's far from being 'able' to be involved again, I'm pretty sure!

She has a LOT she's got to deal with internally.  In no way is she able to 'give', when she's got nothing 😕 .

So, is up to you if you want to speak up about your 'want', but please do not pressure her about all of this.

 

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48 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

So, I guess she is aware you want this - face to face.

If neither of you are ready, then there it sits.

IF you are wanting some sort of 'closure', you may not get that.  We need to find this within ourselves.

And as for you two 'trying again'?  She walked away & went silent due to her break down.  She's far from being 'able' to be involved again, I'm pretty sure!

She has a LOT she's got to deal with internally.  In no way is she able to 'give', when she's got nothing 😕 .

So, is up to you if you want to speak up about your 'want', but please do not pressure her about all of this.

 

I don't want to get back together with her right now.  I want some time to pass before it happens.  Shebjas some inner work to do and I have some inner work to do.  She is the love of my life.  I wouldn't bother even trying a relationship with anyone else.  

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I am borderline OCD and have obsessed looking up my exes in the past.  Sometimes this is how we process until we one day just move on.  If you want to know why she blocked you, just asked, and then say goodbye.   Even if she gives you a bogus line, at least you can put it to rest.  And eventually work it out of your system.

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56 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I am borderline OCD and have obsessed looking up my exes in the past.  Sometimes this is how we process until we one day just move on.  If you want to know why she blocked you, just asked, and then say goodbye.   Even if she gives you a bogus line, at least you can put it to rest.  And eventually work it out of your system.

She blocked me because she had a nervous breakdown.  Recently we started talking again and she unblocked me.  

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1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I don't want to get back together with her right now.  I want some time to pass before it happens.  Shebjas some inner work to do and I have some inner work to do.  She is the love of my life.  I wouldn't bother even trying a relationship with anyone else.  

So maybe it's better that you two stop the contact for a set period of time precisely so that you both can work on things and then reconnect when ready or check in with each other and where you both are at that set point, like x months out. Kind of like lets work on our respective issues and touch base in 3 months again and see where we both are at. What do you think? Would that help? Or are you afraid that if you don't talk for awhile she will just move on?

 

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