Anxious that he might leave me

[sam1256]

I met a guy, we have a great time, every time he tells me he can't wait to see me. During the second time, we never have any intimate moments (kissing/ holding hands), I just loved to chat with him that's all, and think that he is super nice. I enjoyed the time with him a lot. I was worried at one point that he was not that interested because he had not made the move to get intimate.

The third time we met, we went hiking, we chatted and hung out the whole day. Later, we decided to go to see a movie at his house. we started to hug each other during the movie. And later I went to his bedroom, we started to kiss, I could feel that he really liked kissing me. Then, I started to ask I am not sure what he was looking for. And he told me he is not looking for a relationship at the moment (I was a little in shock, and heartbroken). He told me he is just not ready because of his ex, he had a few years relationship with him. Broke up 6 months ago. He asked me what I was looking for, I didn't want to push him and said that I really enjoy being with you, I am happy as long as we are together. He replied I am happy as long as you are happy. We hugged for a long time. I also asked him if he is seeing other guys, are you going to get back with your ex, he said no (he seems very genuine, and does not lie). 

Then the next day, he said he wants to go hiking, and I asked if I could come with. And we met shortly after again, this time I could feel that we are so intimate, even feel like we are in a relationship. I didn't initiate, he held my hand for the entirety of 5 hours walk. I let go of my hand, and he went and hold my hand tightly again. I felt so happy, we walked so long, and even sat at the bench and hugging kissing. we kissed a lot. I have felt this kind of intimacy for such a long time. 

We are meeting in a week or two weeks, because I have been so busy and his brother is visiting so he has to spend some time with his brother. I feel like I started to develop feelings with him. I can't stop thinking about him on a daily basis wondering how he is doing. Also, at the same time, I do not want to get hurt again like before, getting attached too quickly. But I really like him, tbh I didn't like him that much in the second meeting, but my feelings grow each time we meet. He is super sweet. 

I know I have a history of getting attached too quickly,  should I give hope that one day we might turn into a relationship? Should I be proactive and ask him out all the time (he always says yes)? I am also anxious that he might leave me (I know I am self-imagining), if he does not text me one day I feel anxious (I know it is kind of bad). 

Thanks for reading everyone!

[sam1256]

I don't know what I should do, I feel lonely and sad when I am not meeting anyone. And when I do meet someone I feel hurt and anxiety. 😥 Endless cycle, I want to meet someone and be happy, don't have to worry about whether he is going to cheat or not.

[lostandhurt]

If you want a relationship and he is not ready then yes there is a good chance you can be hurt again.

Hoping he will suddenly want a relationship is not a good idea.  You are placing your future happiness on a hope that someday it might happen.

  Are you okay with just a casual dating thing with him while you keep looking for the right guy?

Getting attached to fast can be trouble because when that happens we all tend to ignore red flags or start putting our lives second just to see them.  This is where you can get lost in the relationship or connection.

If you want a relationship and he does not then what do you plan on doing?

Lost

[sam1256]

1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

If you want a relationship and he is not ready then yes there is a good chance you can be hurt again.

Hoping he will suddenly want a relationship is not a good idea.  You are placing your future happiness on a hope that someday it might happen.

  Are you okay with just a casual dating thing with him while you keep looking for the right guy?

Getting attached to fast can be trouble because when that happens we all tend to ignore red flags or start putting our lives second just to see them.  This is where you can get lost in the relationship or connection.

If you want a relationship and he does not then what do you plan on doing?

Lost

Thanks for the reply, I really enjoy the time with him. What I plan to do is I bide my time, and see how things will turn out. In the meantime, I need to keep my anxiety in check, my heart beats so fast every time I have anxiety.

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Are you okay with just a casual dating thing with him while you keep looking for the right guy?

I feel like you are right, but I don't know why I started to lose interest in most other guys, I only think of him. I feel like its unfaithful, because I told him I am not seeing anyone else as well. Maybe I should just to protect myself from getting heartbroken?

 

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Getting attached to fast can be trouble

I know, it is extremely troubling for me, I just can't stop...

[sam1256]

'Maybe I should just to protect myself from getting heartbroken?' I mean by seeing other guys.

[lostandhurt]

What is your goal?

Monogamous relationship? 

Your goal cannot be: Don't get hurt or heartbroken again.  If it is that you will not be open and hide from the risk.  This is something we all have to risk for the reward don't we?

If you want something and the person you are with does not then why stay around them?

Lost

[sam1256]

2 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

What is your goal?

Monogamous relationship? 

Your goal cannot be: Don't get hurt or heartbroken again.  If it is that you will not be open and hide from the risk.  This is something we all have to risk for the reward don't we?

If you want something and the person you are with does not then why stay around them?

Lost

Because I really like him, I love his personality. And he makes me happy all the time, we smile all the time.

I told him I liked him, and he said he liked me too. The like was mutual.

I would hope for a Monogamous relationship, but I just want to be happy, I love spending time with him. it is so conflicting. 

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This is something we all have to risk for the reward don't we?

I guess this is the risk for me? I am not going to know how this will turn out...

[MissCanuck]

The risk would be too high for me here to proceed. 

He told you he is not looking for a relationship, and it is clear that he has not moved on from his ex yet. It sounds like he enjoys spending time with you but there is a strong probability it will not develop into more, and it will leave you hurt. 

I would move on. Waiting and hoping that someone becomes ready to date again is almost always an exercise in (painful) futility. 

[sam1256]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

The risk would be too high for me here to proceed. 

He told you he is not looking for a relationship, and it is clear that he has not moved on from his ex yet. It sounds like he enjoys spending time with you but there is a strong probability it will not develop into more, and it will leave you hurt. 

I would move on. Waiting and hoping that someone becomes ready to date again is almost always an exercise in (painful) futility. 

It is already so hard to find a nice guy, what can I do???

I really like him, he makes me happy 😭

Why I can't find anything, the only guys I find are unwilling to commit😭

Life is too difficult, I have been looking for years, none of them worked. Maybe I will just stay single...

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, oliver7794 said:

Why I can't find anything, the only guys I find are unwilling to commit😭

Start by filtering out the ones who directly tell you that they don't want a relationship. 

This guy is not a good prospect. 

[sam1256]

What should I tell this guy then, thanks

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, oliver7794 said:

What should I tell this guy then, thanks

That you enjoy your time together, but since you have different goals, it's best not to continue meeting. 

[Batya33]

Google 4-7-8 breathing -Weil method.  Especially the lip pursing with the exhaling - and practice it even when you are not feeling anxious.  I use it for trouble sleeping but it's also for anxiety or panic attacks.

If this person has told you he's not looking for a serious relationship I'd stop dating him but I didn't see that you wrote that - as far as "still single" - I mean to me I was single until I was engaged.  When I was in exclusive relationships I certainly didn't date anyone else but I was "still single".  I always knew I wanted to be married and try to get pregnant (or adopt if not). I always was honest with myself that being single was not right for me long term and honest that there are zero guarantees of meeting the right person. 

It's not about "nice guy" or "super sweet" - you're not adopting a puppy.  It's about a man of integrity, character, compassion with whom you have things in common and have chemistry and passion with - like friendship caught on fire.  A person you love and who loves you back.  And yes you have to take the risk every single time that it might not work out.  But we can decrease the risks by becoming the right person to find the right person, by choosing to react to anxiety and insecurities without subjecting the new person in our lives to those feelings - by not getting clingy or needy or asking for reassurance constantly. 

By picking men who are single and available to date and also looking generally for marriage and family (if you want to have children). One reason I was "still single" till age 42 was because I got in my own way.  But I had a happy fulfilling life even though I knew I wanted marriage and family. Yes I had both.  And having a happy fulfilling life helped me pick much better.  Good luck.

[smackie9]

Tell him since there is no prospect of a relationship, you are ok with just hanging out as just friends, no intimacy. Keep your options open for the real deal.

If you are lonely, get a dog to fill your heart with love.

[DancingFool]

If you keep hanging out with him, you know you will keep getting attached to him more and more. The problem is that he already told you straight up that he is not interested in you that way so for you to carry on is begging to get badly hurt and messed around.

When someone tells you that they are not looking for a relationship, the full sentence is "not looking for a relationship with you." The reasons and excuses are just softening the blow and it doesn't matter what excuse they give you - not over an ex, work is killing them, they need to find themselves, etc. The excuse is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is they are not that into you, but they will use you for companionship and more until they find someone they are actually into. Beware.

My point is that if you don't want to get hurt, then learn to walk away quickly from people who are telling you they are not that into you no matter how much you might be into them. Refocus and spend your energy on those who do want you. All this time you are lost thinking about this guy, you are stopping yourself from noticing someone else who is genuinely into you and would make a great partner for you.

[Rose Mosse]

Is it him you like or his affections towards you? You seemed to mention a lot of the things he did like holding your hand or kissing. Those things come cheap without the right person. In other words, can be found relatively easily if you're available to it. I agree with the others about limiting your time spent with him or don't see him again if you're unable to think about other guys or talk to anyone else. You seem to have let yourself get away with this too quickly. 

[boltnrun]

Wait, is this the guy who's looks you don't like and you wanted him to change his skin and hair and the way he dresses? How is it you suddenly like him so much? 

[Batya33]

I misread the post and I'm sorry.  I agree with Dancing Fool.  

[sam1256]

7 hours ago, DancingFool said:

If you keep hanging out with him, you know you will keep getting attached to him more and more. The problem is that he already told you straight up that he is not interested in you that way so for you to carry on is begging to get badly hurt and messed around.

When someone tells you that they are not looking for a relationship, the full sentence is "not looking for a relationship with you." The reasons and excuses are just softening the blow and it doesn't matter what excuse they give you - not over an ex, work is killing them, they need to find themselves, etc. The excuse is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is they are not that into you, but they will use you for companionship and more until they find someone they are actually into. Beware.

My point is that if you don't want to get hurt, then learn to walk away quickly from people who are telling you they are not that into you no matter how much you might be into them. Refocus and spend your energy on those who do want you. All this time you are lost thinking about this guy, you are stopping yourself from noticing someone else who is genuinely into you and would make a great partner for you.

I think that not interested in me is an overstatement, he likes me, and if he didn't like me why would he message me or wanting to meet me so much. He enjoys my companionship. 

However, I do agree with you that whatever reason that stops him from wanting to have a relationship I should be aware. I suspect that he is still with his ex, he moved to Australia from NZ for work, he said that he was going to decide whether he wants to stay here or not. 

Last night I stalked his ex instagram, I see all these pictures when they are together back in 2018. I have reason to believe that he has not move on/still together(lying). He told me they broke up when he moved to Australia. And he is not getting back with him.

He is saying yes to everything I ask him. If I say something intimate he response back with the same thing. I maybe too naive to think that he might change his mind? We are getting closer each time we meet. 

I really enjoy the time with him😭, maybe I just tell him we should get so intimate unless he wants to date me? Otherwise, let's just stay friends?

[sam1256]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Wait, is this the guy who's looks you don't like and you wanted him to change his skin and hair and the way he dresses? How is it you suddenly like him so much? 

Yeah, that's right.

I get attached too quickly, he has the perfect and cute personality. My weakness...

I haven't dated for so long, finally someone holding my hand in public for hours (dreaming this for years) and hugging me in the park. I can feel that he likes me😭😭😭.

[Jibralta]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

16 hours ago, oliver7794 said:

What should I tell this guy then, thanks

That you enjoy your time together, but since you have different goals, it's best not to continue meeting. 

I agree 100%. You should break it off. You're getting affection from him, not love or intimacy. Affection is nice, but it's not a substitute for what you really need. Pretending that it is will leave you hurt and feeling used.

[sam1256]

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I agree 100%. You should break it off. You're getting affection from him, not love or intimacy. Affection is nice, but it's not a substitute for what you really need. Pretending that it is will leave you hurt and feeling used.

Ok, I will tell him today.

 

Can I say:

' Sam, I really enjoy the time with you and you make me happy, but I am really looking for dates, sorry if I got too intimate with you. Let's just stay friends.'

[sam1256]

You guys are so right. I shouldn't get so intimate with him from now on. He is a nice person so we will just stay friends.

[Jibralta]

I don't think there's any need to apologize. As far as he's concerned, you were just reciprocating his affection.

As for staying 'friends,' I don't think it's a good idea given how much anxiety you're suffering over this.

Just say, "I think you're really cool, but I'm looking for something more. I think it's best if we stop seeing each other." And stop seeing him. He's getting what he wants, but you're not getting what you want. 

He's not the only nice guy on earth. But you'll never meet another nice guy if you stick around with this guy. 

[sam1256]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think there's any need to apologize. As far as he's concerned, you were just reciprocating his affection.

As for staying 'friends,' I don't think it's a good idea given how much anxiety you're suffering over this.

Just say, "I think you're really cool, but I'm looking for something more. I think it's best if we stop seeing each other." And stop seeing him. He's getting what he wants, but you're not getting what you want. 

He's not the only nice guy on earth. But you'll never meet another nice guy if you stick around with this guy. 

don't you think stop seeing would be a little extreme?