Feeling lost and confused after a break up

[reinventmyself]

It may not be clear to you now, but in time I believe you will look back at this and thank him for ending it.

Imagine a lifetime of a one sided relationship.  Where your partner makes you feel less then, neglects the relationship and you live in a constant state of anxiety feeling like you need to jump through hoops to keep him.

You will meet someone who you don't doubt how he feels because he shows you in every way that he does, consistently. You will feel safe, appreciated and loved.

Sometimes we need to learn these lessons the hard way.   You will look back clear on what you will not accept and strong enough to walk away when you doesn't happen.

I am glad you are in therapy.   You should spend some wondering what it is about you that you didn't think you deserved minimal decency or scraps of attention that you had to drag out of him to begin with.

Don't be hard on yourself.  I think most of us can say we've made poor choices at least once or twice in our lifetime.  The important thing here is the valuable lessons this provides you.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I don't think this was the case. He was the one who wanted me, who chased me and made an effort initially, which made me committed him, but this all changed within a few months of being in a relationship or maybe I was too in love to notice the changes earlier on. I am in the same field as him and doing as well as him despite the age gap, I think I enjoyed being with someone who did the same thing as much, which meant we had a lot in common and also was doing well for himself, I moved to a new country 10 years ago, I was happy to have found someone who was from the same place as me which meant the culture was similar, which made things so much easier in the relationship. I am an anxious person, I always worried that I was going to lose him and I will be hurt, I thought by doing so much for him, this would never happen, I am giver, I probably do too much for everyone and did more for him than anyone else as I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I have learnt from this mistake, I should do favours and nice for someone It is probably for the best I got deleted. 

I see this as a really passive mindset and one of great concern.  He didn't make you committed to him.  You chose to get attached based on nice words and 'chasing" - why did  you love the chasing so much? Totally get why it's exciting and flattering at first but you claim it "got you hooked" as if you weren't your own person.  Of course it's lovely to be a giver.  If it's done from a position of self-worth, confidence not fear of losing someone if you don't "give".  I don't think your main motivation was wanting him to be happy.  It was fear of losing him if  you didn't.  Very very different scenarios. 

[DancingFool]

27 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

There is more work pressure on me than there is on him but I never behaved like him. I met all of his needs and he met 10% of my needs.

^This exactly. You have a life and stress too and you didn't behave like a jerk. I'm so glad that you are realizing this because just like you are capable of doing right by your partner regardless of other stresses in life, so are others. Maybe when in doubt ask yourself how you would act and react and look for a partner who is more like you in that respect. You wouldn't become abusive and you should never tolerate that again from anyone.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Bz77 said:

Although I am worried I won't find someone I love again, it is probably healthier for me to find someone who I love less who treats me well and can make me happy.

This is a ridiculous notion. You're 22. People in every decade, including their 70s, 80, and 90s can, and have, found life partners. It's also ridiculous that you would find it healthy to love someone less than you've loved a broken man. You think you'd be doing a guy a favor by being with him even though you're settling, and he doesn't have your full heart? Believe me, no guy wants any part of that. 

And a man can't make you happy. Your goal should be to learn being happy solo, and wanting to share that happiness with a man who is just as whole in mind and spirit. And then you can enjoy a happy life together, pampering each other and being good lifetime companions to each other.

You've got a lot of work to do on yourself. Don't rush into romance until that's completed. You have plenty of time much later when your mindset has improved on how to date wisely.

[boltnrun]

You don't want your next relationship to be with someone you don't love because then you'd be doing to the new guy what your ex did to you. I know you don't want to be like that.

I know right now you're hurt. You don't ever want to go through this again. But the right man won't put you through this. Don't let the wrong man ruin you for the right one.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Bz77 said:

He told me he broke up with his ex many times. I shouldnt have ignored this. 

He's the deflective turd here💩. Don't take responsibility for that. Yes, a decent man will appreciate fine qualities like kindness, etc. 

[Bz77]

@reinventmyself Thank you for your response. I agree with everything you have said.

When I think about a future with him now, I feel anxious as it is not looking great. I have learnt a lot and I know what I want in a future partner.  Although it has been hard for my mum to see me so hurt, she has been telling me she's so thankful he walked away as I didn't have the strength to do it and he would have made me even more miserable in the future. I will carry on with therapy for as long as needed

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think your main motivation was wanting him to be happy.  It was fear of losing him if  you didn't.  Very very different scenarios. 

@Batya33  Sorry my thoughts are all over the place.He didn't force me to be committed to him, although I have only spoken about the negatives, they were many positives too which I am trying to forget. I don't even know what I was doing most of the time and why I was doing it, I have simply been trying to reflect on my actions and figure out why I behaved the way I did. I am 23, this was my second relationship and my first serious relationship. Making him happy made me happy, it wasn't malicious  and I got a lot of joy from doing things for him especially when I was suffering a lot with my mental health. I just did things without thinking about how he is treating me, which was wrong. I made a mistake, I will make sure I don't repeat this in the future, working on myself will make sure I don't behave like this in the future.

@Andrina You are right. I will work on myself, I have a busy year ahead and need to really focus on my work so I can qualify. It is best I don't date anyone until I am feeling so much better mentally and happy solo like you've said. I wouldn't want to treat anyone the way my ex treated me as it is unfair.

5 hours ago, DancingFool said:

You have a life and stress too and you didn't behave like a jerk. I'm so glad that you are realizing this because just like you are capable of doing right by your partner regardless of other stresses in life, so are others. Maybe when in doubt ask yourself how you would act and react and look for a partner who is more like you in that respect. You wouldn't become abusive and you should never tolerate that again from anyone.

Thank you, this is something I will do when I am ready to date again. Being stressed because of work is not a valid reason to treat someone badly for a year.

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I know right now you're hurt. You don't ever want to go through this again. But the right man won't put you through this. Don't let the wrong man ruin you for the right one.

Yeah I am too scared to love someone again or to be in a relationship, I don't want to get hurt like this again but time will heal everything and hopefully I will find someone who is nice to me and appreciates me

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's the deflective turd here💩. Don't take responsibility for that. Yes, a decent man will appreciate fine qualities like kindness, etc. 

I should have taken as a red flag. I will pay closer attention to how someone treated their ex partner and how they treat people in general.

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

Making him happy made me happy, it wasn't malicious  and I got a lot of joy from doing things for him especially when I was suffering a lot with my mental health. I just did things without thinking about how he is treating me, which was wrong. I made a mistake, I will make sure I don't repeat this in the future, working on myself will make sure I don't behave like this in the future.

No it wasn't ever malicious -I never ever suggested that.  It's why it made you happy to be at someone's beck and call and jumping through hoops when that someone did not reciprocate.  It's why you chose to ignore the one sidedness.  Don't "work on yourself".  Practice in real life every day reacting to friends, colleagues, whatever in a way that shows that you value yourself and your time.  

A small example.  In one of my moms groups -thousands of moms - facebook - a stranger asks for names of daycamps that are good for tweens.  I post a name.  She replies "oh can you share your thoughts and experiences?"  Um, no.  No I don't have time to write long paragraphs to a stranger about the years my son attended that camp.  And no I'm not going to post it publicly.  And I found it kind of presumptuous under the circumstances. 

So I replied "if you private message me I'll be happy to" - that way I figured - make her put in the effort to message me if she's really serious about wanting the help and perhaps she'll even say "please".  Three days later no message and no response to the numerous other posts.  So yes I've been burned before- wasted my time helping with input to someone who then went MIA or didn't say thank you.  I'm a giver too.  But I've learned to have boundaries - not by "working on it" by specifically practicing it in large and small ways.  That's my suggestion to you.

[Bz77]

@Batya33Thank you, that is a very good advice. I don't think I have ever valued myself and my time. I definitely need to practice it with friends and colleagues and in future relationships. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I really appreciate it. I have thought about your previous replies about me paying more attention to external factors such him being successful, "unachievable" and good looking. I subconsciously did this, he was doing a PhD whilst I was an undergrad in the same department, he was in charge of a few of my sessions, him being interested in me was a confident boost and when I found he's from the same background as me, I was so excited, we had so much in common, liked the same food, spoke the same language etc. The first few dates we went on were amazing, probably the best dates I have been on, there was a spark. After going a lot of dates which were awful, finally finding someone I got on with and found attractive felt like a big achievement and I was excited.  I thought he was the perfect partner based on these similarities and the attraction I had for him. I failed to pay attention to things that actually matter in a relationship, like how he handled our first argument, how much he contacted, whether he cares about me. I felt like my needs were not met before the relationship but I thought these things improve with time, but they didn't so i gradually had to keep asking for more when we were together like seeing each other more than once a week when we lived 2 mins away from each other, not going days without texting each other, wanting him to sleep over, ignoring me for days after an argument.

It is frustrating how I still feel so heartbroken after 5 weeks, even though I now know the relationship was probably not right for me, I guess the feeling comes from wishing things were different. I wish there was a quick way to move on. I am forcing myself to do all things I did before the break up but I haven't enjoyed a single thing since.

I spent weeks feeling guilty, feeling like I caused the break up by being difficult and I should have done more. This forum has made me feel so much better so thank you so much for all the replies 🙂 .

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Bz77 said:

t is frustrating how I still feel so heartbroken after 5 weeks, even though I now know the relationship was probably not right for me, I guess the feeling comes from wishing things were different. I wish there was a quick way to move on. I am forcing myself to do all things I did before the break up but I haven't enjoyed a single thing since.

I spent weeks feeling guilty, feeling like I caused the break up by being difficult and I should have done more. This forum has made me feel so much better so thank you so much for all the replies 🙂 .

Yes it can be this hard and I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time.  Please don't force yourself.  What I would recommend is running or speedwalking and/or angry cleaning -love scrubbing a floor on hands and knees to get out that negative energy. 

When I was 28 I fell for a guy who acted like a jerk because he was "double Harvard" - yes, I admit it.  I was star struck LOL.  I was heartbroken when we broke up.  I'm so glad we did though!

I don't think getting a PhD is necessarily an external factor -depends on why the person is working on one - if for a completely shallow reason then sure I guess it is not "internal" but to me being ambitious, passionate, a strong work ethic, hard working that is who the person is internally.  It's not just a piece of paper if the achievement is a PhD and it's also "internal" if the person has a passion and ambition for construction work or working with his hands -depends why the person does the sort of work he does.  

Let yourself feel the feelings and I'd react by being gentle on yourself but doing the basics -at least 30 minutes of cardio exercise a day of some sort and drink more water and less sodas or other drinks and take it easy on any alcohol etc if that's your pleasure.  Don't force.  I find reading -novels or nonfiction or literary magazines - but the real thing -not screens - helps a lot too.  Take care.

[Bz77]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes it can be this hard and I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time.  Please don't force yourself.  What I would recommend is running or speedwalking and/or angry cleaning -love scrubbing a floor on hands and knees to get out that negative energy. 

When I was 28 I fell for a guy who acted like a jerk because he was "double Harvard" - yes, I admit it.  I was star struck LOL.  I was heartbroken when we broke up.  I'm so glad we did though!

I don't think getting a PhD is necessarily an external factor -depends on why the person is working on one - if for a completely shallow reason then sure I guess it is not "internal" but to me being ambitious, passionate, a strong work ethic, hard working that is who the person is internally.  It's not just a piece of paper if the achievement is a PhD and it's also "internal" if the person has a passion and ambition for construction work or working with his hands -depends why the person does the sort of work he does.  

Let yourself feel the feelings and I'd react by being gentle on yourself but doing the basics -at least 30 minutes of cardio exercise a day of some sort and drink more water and less sodas or other drinks and take it easy on any alcohol etc if that's your pleasure.  Don't force.  I find reading -novels or nonfiction or literary magazines - but the real thing -not screens - helps a lot too.  Take care.

Not many people do a PhD after the course we did at uni as it leads to a clinical role. The only reason he is doing a PhD is because his parents both did one and he told me he felt like he had to do one.  He also mentioned he wanted the title, he was motivated but I wouldn't say passionate, which explains why he was always so stressed and felt pressurised, it was an external factor for him.

Thank you for the suggestions. I have been finding it hard to find the motivation to do anything. I been wanting to work out, even joined the gym. I know it will be good for me but I can't bring myself to go, my appetite hasnt been great since the break up. Did it take you long to get over previous break ups? This is probably the one time I have felt a heartbreak like this 

[DancingFool]

2 hours ago, Bz77 said:

Thank you for the suggestions. I have been finding it hard to find the motivation to do anything. I been wanting to work out, even joined the gym. I know it will be good for me but I can't bring myself to go, my appetite hasnt been great since the break up. Did it take you long to get over previous break ups? This is probably the one time I have felt a heartbreak like this 

Be kind to yourself. Some breakups take a day to get over, others months or even a year. There are no hard and fast rules. You've got a lot to process and a big shift in perspective from self blame to opening your eyes to a lot of issues and red flags. Still, it's natural to mourn what you thought you had, or rather the dream you were hoping will come true. You are not alone and everyone has gone through that pain at one point or another.

Not feeling like doing things and life feeling kind of grey is normal. However, rather than succumbing to it, push through. Do make yourself go to the gym. Do make yourself something you love to eat. Every effort brings in a small reward and eventually you kind of realize that you are over the pain and actually enjoying life again. It kind of accumulates and sneaks up on you when you realize that wow, you are actually excited about going to gym rather than just schlepping to it by willpower and that moment feels amazing. Do allow yourself some better days and some not so good days. It's just part of the process.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Bz77 said:

Thank you for the suggestions. I have been finding it hard to find the motivation to do anything. I been wanting to work out, even joined the gym. I know it will be good for me but I can't bring myself to go, my appetite hasnt been great since the break up. Did it take you long to get over previous break ups? This is probably the one time I have felt a heartbreak like this 

I have been working out regularly since 1982.  7 days a week with one day off per year or if I'm very sick/doctors orders for about the last 9 years.  Here is how I get it done without motivation:  always do it in the morning.  First thing.  So no excuses.  I have my workout clothing by my bed.  Filled water bottle in the fridge, bag ready to go with headphones etc.  sneakers by the door.  (Used to work out in our fitness room but not since covid).  I am on autopilot.  No need to go to a gym, either.  I make myself start and then I always feel better/motivated.  Set things up -prep -so there are no excuses.

Drink water whether you're hungry or not.  That can trigger appetite too.  Yes it did take me a long time to get over certain breakups and I'm sorry you're feeling this way!

[Bz77]

@DancingFoolI keep trying to remind myself of the issues and the bad times but it is hard not to remember the good times, the times he was supportive, the times I felt loved, the good memories, when he made an effort, how happy and safe I felt when I was around him, how much we laughed together, how happy I felt when I did nice things for him. I am still struggling to believe all of that is over.

Maybe if I didn't have low self steam, anxiety and didn't do too much for him, I wouldn't have had expectations from him and it would have worked out. I regret not working on myself before getting into a relationship, I regret not getting therapy during the relationship when I was struggling, I regret not prioritising myself and getting upset when he prioritised himself. I regret not respecting and loving myself, then he wouldn't have though he could get away with treating me badly at times and maybe we would still be together now.

I know I am not alone but I feel so alone. It has been 6 weeks and I don't think I have ever missed anyone this much, he was the first person I wanted to speak to about any good or bad news. I feel so pathetic for feeling this way.

@Batya33Thank you, I will try to go to the gym in the morning before work if I can, it will probably make me feel a lot better. It is impressive that you go so regularly 

[Bz77]

He has always been so stubborn, I keep wondering if he would reach out if he realises he has made a mistake. A part of me wants to reach out in a few months but I know it is probably not a good idea, I still find the breakup so confusing, it doesnt make sense, I have so many questions, I wish I could have a final chat with him so I get closure and can move on without thinking about it so much.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Bz77 said:

He has always been so stubborn, I keep wondering if he would reach out if he realises he has made a mistake. A part of me wants to reach out in a few months but I know it is probably not a good idea, I still find the breakup so confusing, it doesnt make sense, I have so many questions, I wish I could have a final chat with him so I get closure and can move on without thinking about it so much.

Give yourself closure by accepting that this is a bad match.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  So if the pleasure of being with you outweighs the pain of whatever he will choose it.  He won't stay away because he's "stubborn" if he decides it will be more pleasure than staying in his stubbornness.  It's really that simple, common sense.  I was scared to get back together with my ex fiancee.  Very scared.  And I chose him over fear.  It's common sense not just "well that's just your story".

You can't convince someone to want to be with you and you're not his therapist and you're biased because you want him to want you.  A chat will make it worse -he's not going to tell you what you want to hear or tell you all -or he may not know/may not be thinking about it.  

Don't "try" to go to the gym or go out for a brisk walk.  Plan it, prep it, do it, for at least 20-30 minutes a day.  Or run up and down stiars.  It's the best IMHO for your health -mental, physical and will give you an appetite.  Or do a youtube video at home and work out to that.  

[Bz77]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Give yourself closure by accepting that this is a bad match.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  So if the pleasure of being with you outweighs the pain of whatever he will choose it.  He won't stay away because he's "stubborn" if he decides it will be more pleasure than staying in his stubbornness.  It's really that simple, common sense.  I was scared to get back together with my ex fiancee.  Very scared.  And I chose him over fear.  It's common sense not just "well that's just your story".

You can't convince someone to want to be with you and you're not his therapist and you're biased because you want him to want you.  A chat will make it worse -he's not going to tell you what you want to hear or tell you all -or he may not know/may not be thinking about it.  

Don't "try" to go to the gym or go out for a brisk walk.  Plan it, prep it, do it, for at least 20-30 minutes a day.  Or run up and down stiars.  It's the best IMHO for your health -mental, physical and will give you an appetite.  Or do a youtube video at home and work out to that.  

I just want to know why he wasn't honest with me when we broke up, why he gave me hope when he knew deep down he did not want to date me in the future. I want to know what I did that was so bad to make him not want me or for him to change his mind about everything so suddenly. Why he told me he will see me again at some point but wants no contact for some time and then delete me on everything. When I drove down to see him after the break up, it was like we were still together, he was nice, got intimate, he told me he cares about me a lot before I left, that was our last proper conversation. I feel so used and mentally damaged. I am obsessively thinking about everything, it is driving me insane, all I do is cry when I am by myself. 

You are right, if he wants to reach out, he will. Everything seems to be so clear to anyone I speak to but I am still finding everything extremely hard to accept and feel so confused. Even the pain of the break up seems one sided, I am the one left damaged whilst he is moving on with his life. Knowing this makes me feel even more hurt.

I will plan to go to the gym within the next few days, hopefully it will make me feel better.

[boltnrun]

So what you're saying is "If I just completely disregarded everything I desire in a relationship, if I just didn't ask for anything from him, if I could just make do with scraps and if I could just ignore the disappointment and the hurt from never being made a priority, I'd still 'have' him and this would be the perfect relationship!"

Does that even make sense?

I'm sure he does care about you.  Just not enough to prioritize you and his relationship with you.

You don't reach out to the person who caused you the pain to try to relieve it.  Again, that doesn't make sense.  He's not going to give you "answers" and even if he does, I guarantee those "answers" aren't going to make the pain go away.  In fact, they will likely make it worse.

Unfortunately the only way past the pain is to go through it.  Enlist the support of family and friends.  Maybe ask a sister, a cousin or a friend to be your "breakup buddy" so you can contact them when you are tempted to contact him, or you're having a bad day or hour or minute.  Make sure to only go on for about 15 to 20 minutes at a time.  This can be very helpful.  Or, post on here or perhaps start a journal on here.

You'll get through it.  I did, and so did about 99% of the posters on this forum.  And we came out fine on the other end.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Bz77 said:

I just want to know why he wasn't honest with me when we broke up, why he gave me hope when he knew deep down he did not want to date me in the future. I want to know what I did that was so bad to make him not want me or for him to change his mind about everything so suddenly.

But he didn't - writing was on the wall as far as his actions showing he wasn't that into you and nowhere near how into you were to him.  It's not "what I did that was so bad" - it was over already and he hadn't officially pulled the plug.  And that's why for so long you were twisting yourself in a pretzel to "make him happy" because he wasn't showing you he was into you.  He didn't give you hope but you lied to yourself and gave yourself hope that "if I just do x and y and z he'll love me!!"

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I keep wondering if he would reach out if he realises he has made a mistake.

He hasn't made a mistake, though. 

He made the right choice finally ending this. It is very clear from your description that he was just not that into you and his behaviour reflected that. Therefore, it was the best choice for you both for him to break it off. It was terribly unfair to you to keep this going when it was obvious he no longer wanted to be there. 

This hurts a lot now but it was just not meant to last. 

[Bz77]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So what you're saying is "If I just completely disregarded everything I desire in a relationship, if I just didn't ask for anything from him, if I could just make do with scraps and if I could just ignore the disappointment and the hurt from never being made a priority, I'd still 'have' him and this would be the perfect relationship!"

Does that even make sense?

I'm sure he does care about you.  Just not enough to prioritize you and his relationship with you.

You don't reach out to the person who caused you the pain to try to relieve it.  Again, that doesn't make sense.  He's not going to give you "answers" and even if he does, I guarantee those "answers" aren't going to make the pain go away.  In fact, they will likely make it worse.

Unfortunately the only way past the pain is to go through it.  Enlist the support of family and friends.  Maybe ask a sister, a cousin or a friend to be your "breakup buddy" so you can contact them when you are tempted to contact him, or you're having a bad day or hour or minute.  Make sure to only go on for about 15 to 20 minutes at a time.  This can be very helpful.  Or, post on here or perhaps start a journal on here.

You'll get through it.  I did, and so did about 99% of the posters on this forum.  And we came out fine on the other end.

That makes sense. He told me he has to prioritise his work for now, but I know he is always going to prioritise his work. I have to accept that it didn't work, knowing why it didn't work out is not going to change anything. I don't think it would be a perfect relationship, I just want this pain to stop, if he tried as hard as I was then it would work out but he wouldn't because he doesn't want to. Yeah you are right, talking to him and getting answers is probably going to confuse me even more. I spoke to friends a lot for the first 2 weeks but I don't want to bore them with this anymore. I speak to my mum about it sometimes and that helps. Posting on here has helped a lot. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It's not "what I did that was so bad" - it was over already and he hadn't officially pulled the plug.  And that's why for so long you were twisting yourself in a pretzel to "make him happy" because he wasn't showing you he was into you.  He didn't give you hope but you lied to yourself and gave yourself hope that "if I just do x and y and z he'll love me!!"

He was not honest when he broke up with me, his actions and what he said to me were misleading.  I have to accept that he was dishonest when he broke up with me just like he was throughout the relationship. I should have stopped trying to make the relationship work months ago, every time things felt unstable, I did something thoughtful to fix things, like I bought him a big box of his favourite cereal, I asked him a few days later if he has had any of it, he told me he had a few bowls then binned the cereal as he had decided to eat better, I asked why he didn't keep it for me to eat, he said he couldn't control himself and had to get rid of it. The cereal wasn't expensive, but I felt hurt and unappreciated. I didn't even say anything, just felt bad for interfering with his diet. This is probably not a normal way to behave when someone does something nice for you. 

 

44 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He made the right choice finally ending this. It is very clear from your description that he was just not that into you and his behaviour reflected that. Therefore, it was the best choice for you both for him to break it off. It was terribly unfair to you to keep this going when it was obvious he no longer wanted to be there.

I felt anxious in the relationship because his behaviour sometimes didn't show me he liked me. But he always reassured me when I had insecurities and told me he wants a future with me, the relationship is what he wants, we have so much in common and I am all he is looking for in a partner. I should have payed more attention to his behaviour. 

[Batya33]

So I don’t think it’s because he’s prioritizing his work. Countless people - like me and my husband - choose to do both and to juggle because its sooo worth it when you want to be with someone.

As far as the cereal why did you ask him if he ate it ?  How did that come up ?  Did he ask you to pick it up or say that he didn’t have time to ? Or was this another way you were trying to concoct ways to go over the top and have him notice and fall in love with you ?

I’m not a huge fan of asking someone if they used my gift. It’s awkward- it’s a gift. They can use it or toss it or regift it. My husband sometimes buys me too much chocolate and I want to be health conscious so I’ll give some away at work etc.  I tell him I appreciated it.  Because I do.  But I don’t tell him that I didn’t actually eat all of it. 

[Bz77]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So I don’t think it’s because he’s prioritizing his work. Countless people - like me and my husband - choose to do both and to juggle because its sooo worth it when you want to be with someone.

As far as the cereal why did you ask him if he ate it ?  How did that come up ?  Did he ask you to pick it up or say that he didn’t have time to ? Or was this another way you were trying to concoct ways to go over the top and have him notice and fall in love with you ?

I’m not a huge fan of asking someone if they used my gift. It’s awkward- it’s a gift. They can use it or toss it or regift it. My husband sometimes buys me too much chocolate and I want to be health conscious so I’ll give some away at work etc.  I tell him I appreciated it.  Because I do.  But I don’t tell him that I didn’t actually eat all of it. 

Work was probably just an excuse. No he didn't ask me to get him cereal, he always ate a lot of it when he came to my house so I got him his own and I thought I could eat some too when I visit him as he didn't usually have anything I liked. I can't really remember, I think we were just talking about what we ate that day and he told me he had a few bowls of cereal so had to bin the rest of the box.

I just wanted to do another nice thing for him which was NOT needed, I wanted to be loved by him and I didn't think it would be possible for him or anyone to love me if I didn't do so much. Knowing I had this mindset makes me angry and sad. I wish I loved and valued myself. It seems like I have a lot to work on.

That is a polite way to respond, I was shocked when he told me he binned it. He always had a very sharp tongue and I accepted this. I not a big fan of chocolate, friends and family often gift me chocolate and I am always so appreciative, I have never got rid of it, I end up eating it over a few months or share it with friends. I got gifted bath bombs recently, I don't have a bath in my house but I was still so happy and thankful. I didn't say I don't have a bath, even when my friend said she wasn't sure if i liked baths or even had one in my house. 

[Batya33]

Yes.  Be a gracious gift accepter I agree!  Your insight will help you in future choices !

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I felt anxious in the relationship because his behaviour sometimes didn't show me he liked me. 

And that was your cue to cut and run, not keep trying to win his approval by doing nice things for him or buying him cereal. While I don't doubt that you are kind, those things also very much read like an attempt to get him to notice your value. 

But when someone isn't that into us, those attempts are going to be futile. He showed you time and time again that he just didn't care the way you did. So an important take-away here is that we can't "nice" someone into loving us. 

Their behaviour reveals their true feelings.