Should I break up with boyfriend even though we love each other?

[relationships123]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year but we’re long-distance and only met 3 times. It’s been rough because he has bipolar disorder and depression  and emotionally it was a lot for me at times, even though I try to help him as much as I can. He has been toxic in the past but he’s slowly changing too. He loves me a lot, is really loyal, and goes the extra mile. The problem is he’s very introverted and doesn’t have any friends really, and that’s been bothering me for a long time. I like to go out and hang with friends, but he’s so against it. I can’t even go out any weekend in college because he wants me to stay home all the time. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot because we’re so different. I can’t get over the feeling that he’s not the right type of guy for me, but how can I break up with someone who loves me that much and someone who I also care about a lot? I’m scared I won’t find anyone else like that if I do end things, which I know is wrong to say and not fair to him.

[abitbroken]

1 minute ago, relationships123 said:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year but we’re long-distance and only met 3 times. It’s been rough because he has bipolar disorder and depression  and emotionally it was a lot for me at times, even though I try to help him as much as I can. He has been toxic in the past but he’s slowly changing too. He loves me a lot, is really loyal, and goes the extra mile. The problem is he’s very introverted and doesn’t have any friends really, and that’s been bothering me for a long time. I like to go out and hang with friends, but he’s so against it. I can’t even go out any weekend in college because he wants me to stay home all the time. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot because we’re so different. I can’t get over the feeling that he’s not the right type of guy for me, but how can I break up with someone who loves me that much and someone who I also care about a lot?

We can care about lots of people, but that doesn't mean we have to make them our closest friend, our lover, etc. We don't "owe" someone our time if they are unhealthy for us and does not accept us for who we are (he is expecting you to change - he wants you to stay home even when you are apart).

I think that you should break up because 1) You can't have an in person relationship 2) He wishes to isolate you and keep you from having relationships with friends or do other activities. 3) You are starting to feel responsible for his mental health since you point our that he doesn't have any friends really - so perhaps you are hesitating to break up.

Please, for your own mental health, break it off. It is a blessing that this is long distance so it will make it easier for you to do it (he is not living next door or something).  He survived before he met you, so he will find someone else he can latch on to.

 

[lostandhurt]

There really is nothing to break up here.  Seeing each other 3 times in a year is not enough to form a real relationship.  Sure you can imagine a relationship but I would bet good money if you were around him everyday for 2 weeks you wouldn't be asking us if you should break up, you would have already done it.

I agree he is controlling you socially and now mentally.  This is not how a healthy relationship should be.

Never stay with anyone thinking you cannot do better.  Either it is healthy and happy or it isn't. Better to be alone and single with the possibility of meeting someone than stuck in this mess.

Yes you should break up with him if for no other reason than you are total opposites socially. There is no common ground at all.

 Do yourself a huge favor and end this as soon as possible.  He will be just fine just like he was before you met.

  Lost

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, relationships123 said:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year but we’re long-distance and only met 3 times. It’s been rough because he has bipolar disorder and depression  and emotionally it was a lot for me at times, even though I try to help him as much as I can. He has been toxic in the past but he’s slowly changing too. He loves me a lot, is really loyal, and goes the extra mile. The problem is he’s very introverted and doesn’t have any friends really, and that’s been bothering me for a long time. I like to go out and hang with friends, but he’s so against it. I can’t even go out any weekend in college because he wants me to stay home all the time. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot because we’re so different. I can’t get over the feeling that he’s not the right type of guy for me, but how can I break up with someone who loves me that much and someone who I also care about a lot? I’m scared I won’t find anyone else like that if I do end things, which I know is wrong to say and not fair to him.

Someone who loves you will want to see you stretch your wings and fly or do things that keep you motivated, feel alive and happy. This is not love. Is he being treated for his bpd and depression? You are not his mental health team and you shouldn't feel like you have to hold yourself back in life because he tells you to. 

What is he so afraid of if you hang out with your friends? An emotionally abusive relationship seeks to isolate a person from their support. Be very wary about what you believe or what he tells you about his problems. I think you yourself would benefit from counselling and reflecting on whether this relationship is healthy for you.

[relationships123]

@lostandhurt@Rose Mosse@abitbroken  It’s crazy but he just recently stayed with me for two weeks and left a few days ago. It was fun but we fought so much and it got really bad many of the days. I’m not going to act like I’ve been perfect because I do lash out and get mad at things very easily (I became like this because that’s the only way I could deal with his toxic behavior in the past), but he blames everything he does on his mental disorders and how he’s at a really low point right now. I do partially believe that so I’m conflicted because I want to be committed and not run away because of his problems. He supports me with my anxiety problems and depression too, so I just feel so bad that I want to leave when he has that too.  He’s also mentioned scary things before and it freaks me out because I genuinely care about him. 

[Rose Mosse]

Are either of you getting help professionally? Staying in an inhibitive, controlling and unhealthy relationship just makes things worse. It's not supportive.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, relationships123 said:

He’s also mentioned scary things before and it freaks me out because I genuinely care about him. 

Has he threatened to himself (or you) if you break up with him?

6 hours ago, relationships123 said:

I’m scared I won’t find anyone else like that

Like what? Someone who attempts to control and isolate you? Someone who emotionally manipulates you? You are confusing all of this with "love", but this is not what love looks like. This is toxic and dysfunctional. 

Why do you want to commit yourself to this? Who is implying you would be "running away" from these problems if you break up with him? There is a signficant difference between running away and identifying serious red flags and removing yourself from a terribly unhealthy situation. 

I don't know if you don't have much dating experience, but this is a trainwreck, girl. It's not going to end well anyway, so you would be wise to stop wasting your time and end it now. 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, relationships123 said:

 long-distance and only met 3 times. It’s been rough because he has bipolar disorder . He has been toxic in the past 

Yes end it. Your instincts are telling you that this is unhappy and it's not working out.

Dating is not social work. He needs a psychiatrist,not a distance relationship.

Reflect on why you are stuck in this with someone you've seen 3 times. 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting local mentally healthy, nontoxic men.

Don't waste your life on this or hide from reality in this dark situation.

[Lambert]

This relationship is not sustainable.  You are sacrificing A LOT for this guy.  Long distance relationship rarely last.  The ones that do are mostly because they didn't start out that way, it's a temporary situation, there is an end game plan in place that both people are working towards and it is happening.  

Add in a relationship with a mentally unstable person, incompatiabilities, and arguing-- this needs to end.

You are at college.  It's not the end of the world to not have a boyfriend.  That is actually how you find a boyfriend.... You start single, you mingle and have fun with your friends doing things you enjoy with people with commonalities.  

frankly, you are wasting a brief but amazing time of your life-- college.  

Dump this guy.  Any of the reasons listed above are more than reasonable reasons.  Add them all together and you have ask yourself---

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  

Anyone can end any relationship for any reason.  For no reason.  A relationship takes both people.  And as soon as one says "I'm out" its over.  

End it today.  Move on.  You will be happier in the long run.  Trust us.

[smackie9]

It's over. he is anti-social you are not. This should have been a deal breaker after the second date when you discovered this. Tip: people don't change, nor should you change to suit their expectations. This is why we date. To see what they are like and if they fulfill our expectations, and are compatible. You too are out of balance, time to go. I agree relationship doesn't just end for lack of love or arguments. It's just not working out, you two are too different.

[catfeeder]

Yes, I'd break up with the guy, but first I'd break up with the fantasy I've formed 'around' the guy.

He's not relationship material, so why put your life on hold for someone who will never become the right match for you?

Dating is not therapy, it's dating. Either someone is compatible, or they are not.

Some people are best loved from far away.

[abitbroken]

On 10/15/2021 at 1:03 AM, relationships123 said:

@lostandhurt@Rose Mosse@abitbroken  It’s crazy but he just recently stayed with me for two weeks and left a few days ago. It was fun but we fought so much and it got really bad many of the days. I’m not going to act like I’ve been perfect because I do lash out and get mad at things very easily (I became like this because that’s the only way I could deal with his toxic behavior in the past), but he blames everything he does on his mental disorders and how he’s at a really low point right now. I do partially believe that so I’m conflicted because I want to be committed and not run away because of his problems. He supports me with my anxiety problems and depression too, so I just feel so bad that I want to leave when he has that too.  He’s also mentioned scary things before and it freaks me out because I genuinely care about him. 

You say you can't leave him at a low point, but when he is at a high point, you will make the excuse "things are better now."  And then they will get worse again...

He doesn't "need" you for his mental health - you don't live near him and somehow he survives the days you are not together with family, therapist, video games, strangers on the internet or whatever he does or uses as a support network. You THINK he needs you to function - and he controls you into believing that as well.  When you walk away, you need to block him - phone, text, email, social media. It might seem terrible to you at first but the more days he cannot contact you anymore -- everything will start to lift.   It may take days, weeks, months. 

A relationship built on having similar mental health issues is not healthy. I suffer form some social anxiety and panic attacks -- the panic attacks only happen very infrequently now -- maybe once a year or twice a year - because i am in a safe, secure relationship where my panic attacks started when i was in an abusive one.  BUT my guy does not have the same issues.  And i have improved by being around someone who does NOT have anxiety because two people with anxiety can spiral out of control - one person gets anxious and the other person is triggered by the other's anxiousness....

 

he could be GIVING you more anxiety.

 

 

[abitbroken]

btw, lots of people who love eachother break up = people who can't be together because of immigration issues, because their cultures are too different, one wants kids and the other doesn't, one is abusive and the other knows they deserve better, bad dynaimics, because the other person has a kid and has to move out of state to be closer and the other person cannot do that, someone has a gambling or drug addiction. One of the parties is married to someone else. Lots of reasons.