Married and confused.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Bloom565 said:

. I want to get my ex out of my mind but I'm unable to. 

This is not about your ex or your husband. This is about your own depression, anxiety and unhappiness.

It's the other way around. You're completely able to stop obsessing over this abusive ex, you just don't want to.

You're not a helplessness victim of some romantic drama. You're just bored with life and marriage.

Do you work? Go to school?  Do you have friends? Do you belong to groups, clubs, sports, volunteer?

You're just filling voids in your life by obsessing over some old flame.

Just stop. Get an evaluation from a physician for the moods anxiety and obsessions. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

This whole ex drama is just a romance novel in your mind to avoid the present avoid marital commitments and blame your parents for forcing you to marry.

There are more important things in life to worry about.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Bloom565 said:

What I want to do is let go of my ex so I can love my husband the way he deserves but I'm failing at that. I want to get my ex out of my mind but I'm unable to. 

It doesn't work like that anyway. 

You don't have those feelings for your husband, and you rushed into marriage way too fast. It won't be possible to manufacture feelings you just don't have. So while you need to let go of your ex regardless, it won't improve your marriage in that sense. Something will always be missing for you. 

You don't love the man. That is a separate issue from your attachment to your ex. Ideally, you would let go of both of them so you can learn to be on your own and make your own choices - and eventually find a good man you think is a good match. It was a mistake to marry a guy just because your family likes him. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Bloom565 said:

My family introduced me to my husband, they thought he was a really good guy and they were right. But there was no spark. I didn't feel that strongly for him. If he wasn't as wonderful as he is, I would've already left him but he truly loves me and I feel so bad that I can't love him the same way. I am trying so hard to do the right thing that at times I feel like abandoning everything and running off.

Oh please. He's not wonderful for you and you used him and settled for him and you're an adult woman blaming your family.  Set him free to find someone who thinks he is wonderful for her.  It's not right to marry someone you don't feel a spark for (different from having that spark, spark fades and you work on reviving it -you can't force a spark that was never there). You're not trying so hard to do the right thing -you're focusing on your ex and your yearning for him and how madly in love he was with you.  There's not trying.  There is doing and not doing. 

You benefit from holding yourself out as married, from all the benefits that come to married couples in our world (I married at 42 so I saw both sides and it's so much easier for a woman to be part of a married couple).  But it's not fair to get all those benefits when you're lying to him and yourself. 

He deserves more.  He'll be heartbroken but once he's swarmed with women who think he's awesome and feel a spark with him he'll thank you (silently -he won't want his new partner to feel he's still attached to an ex). 

Do the right thing -don't give yourself a pass for "trying".  Then reach out to this man who was soooo strong and masculine because you think possessive is masculine somehow - was he also kind of hot and cold? Was he also married or partnered and telling you lies that kept you on your toes?  If that is exciting to you go for it. Let your husband find excitement in a healthy relationship where there's passion and chemistry and a true marital bond. 

[redswim30]

11 hours ago, Bloom565 said:

What I want to do is let go of my ex so I can love my husband the way he deserves but I'm failing at that. I want to get my ex out of my mind but I'm unable to. 

The problem is this line of thought is that you are creating a false equivalency.

Even if you DO let go of your ex, and BTW- you SHOULD- you aren't going to magically love your husband more. 

You yourself said that " a gentle husband doesn't float your boat"- will that really change if you never contact your ex again?  It's not going to make your husband change who he is.  It will just make you continue seeking, whether actively or not, and you will eventually meet ANOTHER man that intrigues you or excites you in a way that your husband doesn't.  

You may love your husband as a person and the idea of him, but I don't think you are in love with your husband.  And if that is the case, then you should be fair to both him and yourself and get a divorce.  Your husband doesn't deserve to be your consolation prize and he deserves someone that truly loves him back- madly, truly, deeply. Not someone who is constantly worrying what she is missing and really just loves him as a friend. 

What is missing for you isn't just going to do away because you feel guilty for not being in love with your husband that you feel you should be in love with, but aren't.  If you truly do love and respect your husband as a person, then you should tell him the truth and let him go.  Do not stay married out of "obligation" or because you are afraid of being alone. 

Please get a divorce.  You aren't being kind to your husband by living a lie.  In the future, don't marry someone based on who your family likes.  While it's fine for that to be a factor, you are the one who is married to the person and it has to make YOU happy, too. 

 

[Andrina]

On 10/9/2021 at 11:14 PM, Bloom565 said:

the circumstances didn't work in our favour

That's fluffy wording, changing the past in your mind, whereas all your loved ones clearly saw he was abusive and mentally off.

On 10/9/2021 at 11:14 PM, Bloom565 said:

I know he still misses me

How do you know this? Obsessive people have a habit of quickly finding their next prey. If you're keeping tabs on him through friends, or looking at his social media, stop that destructive behavior.

Apparently, you've never learned to think and behave independently. It's time to learn who you are, and what you want, as a solo person. You also need to read books and articles on improving your self esteem, because it's lacking if you think a possessive person who would jump off a cliff if you said so is normal and desirable.

Hopefully, your life experiences and maturing brain will be more helpful in the future, so that you can make more intelligent decisions regarding one of the most important decisions of your life.

If I were you, I'd divorce and not even consider dating for a good year, or even more. Don't be dependent on having a partner at this point in your life, because you have too much work to do on yourself first.

[Bloom565]

13 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

What is stopping you from talking things over with your husband?  Are you afraid he will divorce you?

Go after your ex?  From the way you described your husband he seems pretty level headed and understanding.  Why not be truthful so you both can decide what is best.  After all this affects him too right?

  It doesn't sound there is anyone else you can confide in besides us and your husband so give him the gift of honesty.

  Lost

 

Yes I'm afraid he will. He doesn't even know much about my ex. Or how close we actually were. And if I tell him now, it's going to be a disaster. Level headed and gentle he is but that's how he's with me, otherwise he's actually hot tempered. And his wife thinking about her ex is surely going to drive him nuts.

But your point is correct, it does affect us both. And I can't be a chicken for the rest of our lives. I have to do something about all this.

[Bloom565]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

That's fluffy wording, changing the past in your mind, whereas all your loved ones clearly saw he was abusive and mentally off.

How do you know this? Obsessive people have a habit of quickly finding their next prey. If you're keeping tabs on him through friends, or looking at his social media, stop that destructive behavior.

Apparently, you've never learned to think and behave independently. It's time to learn who you are, and what you want, as a solo person. You also need to read books and articles on improving your self esteem, because it's lacking if you think a possessive person who would jump off a cliff if you said so is normal and desirable.

Hopefully, your life experiences and maturing brain will be more helpful in the future, so that you can make more intelligent decisions regarding one of the most important decisions of your life.

If I were you, I'd divorce and not even consider dating for a good year, or even more. Don't be dependent on having a partner at this point in your life, because you have too much work to do on yourself first.

I know that because he still tries to reach me through our mutual friends. Even though after my marriage I moved to another place.

And, I wouldn't have left him if I thought him jumping off a cliff for me was normal. I wanted to be my independent self when I left him. And that's who I was for 6 months. I didn't miss him, I was fine in my life. I ignored all his attempts of reaching out for me. And even now I would be fine if only he wasn't still waiting for answers as to why I left him.

But yes, then I met my husband and I accepted the proposal. I shouldn't have done that. That was a wrong decision. 

And divorce does seem like the answer but I don't want to hurt my husband. I know I have to talk to him though about all of this.

 

[Bloom565]

4 hours ago, redswim30 said:

The problem is this line of thought is that you are creating a false equivalency.

Even if you DO let go of your ex, and BTW- you SHOULD- you aren't going to magically love your husband more. 

You yourself said that " a gentle husband doesn't float your boat"- will that really change if you never contact your ex again?  It's not going to make your husband change who he is.  It will just make you continue seeking, whether actively or not, and you will eventually meet ANOTHER man that intrigues you or excites you in a way that your husband doesn't.  

You may love your husband as a person and the idea of him, but I don't think you are in love with your husband.  And if that is the case, then you should be fair to both him and yourself and get a divorce.  Your husband doesn't deserve to be your consolation prize and he deserves someone that truly loves him back- madly, truly, deeply. Not someone who is constantly worrying what she is missing and really just loves him as a friend. 

What is missing for you isn't just going to do away because you feel guilty for not being in love with your husband that you feel you should be in love with, but aren't.  If you truly do love and respect your husband as a person, then you should tell him the truth and let him go.  Do not stay married out of "obligation" or because you are afraid of being alone. 

Please get a divorce.  You aren't being kind to your husband by living a lie.  In the future, don't marry someone based on who your family likes.  While it's fine for that to be a factor, you are the one who is married to the person and it has to make YOU happy, too. 

 

That's the most sensible thing I've read here. You are right. I don't love my husband AS my husband. And for now I should talk to him, let him down as gently as I could. Get a divorce and maybe one day I will meet someone special. I just hope I'll be able to put all this heartbreak behind me by then. 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Bloom565 said:

And divorce does seem like the answer but I don't want to hurt my husband. 

It's too late for that, unfortunately. 

But you can mitigate the pain by letting him go now, respectfully. It makes no sense to let this go on any further. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Bloom565 said:

I know that because he still tries to reach me through our mutual friends. Even though after my marriage I moved to another place.

Many possessive abusers like this guy track women. You're tracking him actually by asking friends about him, otherwise they wouldn't bring it up knowing you are supposedly happily married. 

It's not a compliment. It's not love. You are simply are unhappily married and living in a fantasyland that this guy ever cared.

 Read up on signs of abusive controlling relationships right down to "jumping off a cliff for you".

You're fooling yourself that this guy was anything but a creep and his "demand" for why you broke up means his undying love for you.

It's unclear why you  need to live in a romance novel than in your real life. Perhaps talk to a physician about depression, anxiety and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[Ravena]

As a very...very...bored sociopath I find this situation very amusing...Now to the fun part: advice..

First, your husband deserves more than to be cheated on.

Secondly, what is your drive? What made you want to reach out to your ex? Unhappiness in marriage? Unsatisfactory life ? Boredom? Prohibit desire? What kind of closure you desire?

6 months is a rush after ending a 4 year relationship. You just blindly dived into the dark to get  in another relationship because your desire to be in a relationship was strong . What was the reason to rush and move on? On what terms you broke up? Why it ended? What made you run away and embedded in another one?

For decency, your husband deserves to be with someone that is 100% with him, body and mind. Talk to him and figure out what you want. Do not destroy a good relationship for some foolish desire, you may not realize, but simple actions and words can easily tear people apart, and the worst thing is if you fail to communicate with your husband before other pieces fall into place.  Now time is of essence. Good luck. 

[catfeeder]

Since you're married, start there. Really consider whether or not you want your marriage to work.

If not, then take the responsible steps to get out of the marriage without wasting any more of your time--or your husband's.

If so, then behave ONLY in ways that support making your marriage successful--for the duration.

Those are clear cut choices, so make one.