Married and confused.

[Bloom565]

I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy I met online. We both wanted to marry each other but the circumstances didn't work in our favour. Now, I'm married to someone else. But I miss my ex. It's been 2 and half year's of our break up and 2 year's of my marriage. I feel like I rushed the marriage because I wanted to move on. My husband is a kind, gentle man but my ex was a possessive madly in love kinda guy. I know he still misses me and now I have this strong urge to contact my ex, maybe for closure or to remain friends. Idk what I should do? Is this a bad idea? Mostly I think I'm feeling guilty for leaving him.

[Seraphim]

Yup, horrible idea. You are married now. Remember the forsaking all others part ?

[melancholy123]

Bad idea to contact him.  Seraphim is right, remember the forsaking all others part?

You give yourself closure by moving on and not dwelling on the past and contemplating contact.  Work on your marriage. 

[lostandhurt]

If it was meant to be you would be married to him not your husband.  You are romanticizing what you had with your ex and living in the past instead of the here and now.

  You may have rushed into a relationship and marriage but that boat sailed 2 years ago.  Contacting your ex is an extremely selfish thing to do while you are married.  The whole maybe we could be friends is total BS and you know it.

  If you want to go back to your ex then tell your husband you want a divorce because you rushed into the marriage and think it was a mistake and you do not want to waste anymore of his life when you are not 100% committed to the marriage.  Let him down as easy as possible, split everything fairly and make it as least hurtful to him as possible.

Trust me it will hurt a lot less than you cheating on him with your ex because that is the path you are on.

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Bloom565 said:

Is this a bad idea?

Come on. You already know the answer to this. 

1 hour ago, Bloom565 said:

Mostly I think I'm feeling guilty for leaving him.

Guilt or regret? Those are two different things. Look, there is something very wrong with your marriage if you are missing your ex this much and contemplating getting in touch. You do not need closure after 2.5 years, nor do you need another friend. Deep down, you know that's not why you want to reach out. You are looking to see if there is something still there. 

Why did you marry your husband, and what problems exist between you and him? Did you marry him just because he is a good guy, even though you don't have strong feelings for him?
 

[SooSad33]

You married someone else less than 6 mos after you broke up with your ex?  Wow.. why so fast?  Do you feel you didn't really know him?

Not a good plan, eh?  😕 .

As for your ex.. how about you just leave him as that & let it go.  Curious, fine, but don't bother acting on any of it.  he's your ex for reasons.  Be respectful enough to not contact him again so he can move on with his life as well.

Move along.  And deal with what you've got now. If you're not happy, then get out of this.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Bloom565 said:

 I have this strong urge to contact my ex, maybe for closure or to remain friends. 

Were you forced into marriage? Is this an arranged marriage?

What "circumstances" led to the breakup. What makes you believe he misses you?

Cheating is not the answer. You're not looking for friends or closure, you're just unhappily married now.

Possessiveness is a sign of abuse, not love. Perhaps you miss drama?

[Batya33]

I think there's a broad range of possessiveness before it gets to any concerning point but the real point is -this "possessive/madly in love" guy chose circumstances over  you.  So he wasn't that possessive.  He wasn't that madly in love.  Was he married -was this the "circumstance that didn't work in your favour?" And now he's divorced, right?  You cannot be friends with him because of the attraction - are you ready to introduce him to your husband and are you ready to hear about this madly in love guy's tales of how madly in love he is with others now -or how he wants to date others?  That's what friends chat about.  Give yourself closure - and I'm not sure how one gets married if one doesn't yet have closure from a past relationship - whether the closure is from within or otherwise.

Kind gentle people are great matches for certain people  - to you however my sense is you see him as an adoring puppy and the kind and gentle stuff is Mr. Right on Paper but doesn't float your boat.  You settled for him thinking kind and gentle was a good antidote to madly in love (your perception of the man you were fantasizing about online) - and would make a good, obedient husband (again like getting a puppy/dog). 

But marriage involves some "right on paper" but it is not -at all -the reason to get married or the glue that holds the marriage together.    Or fair to the person who is being tolerated by the partner who settled for him while she pines away for "what could have been".

You and your ex didn't want to marry each other badly enough or you'd be married (again my sense is the circumstances have to do with that pesky obstacle of his wife or partner, yes?).  We can miss people and choose not to contact them because the contact could hurt other people in our lives.

I'd let your puppy dog husband find someone who truly appreciates him and is excited to be with him (if you have children then maybe I'd do counseling as a last ditch effort).  Then you can contact your ex and be "friends" or whatever.  Good luck.

[Latina_Metal_Chick]

Being possessive doesn’t sound like a good quality in a partner. Plus contacting your ex “for closure” isn’t going to lead to anything good. It sounds like you’re unhappy in your marriage. You need to talk this over with your husband. Contacting your ex might lead to cheating and that’s definitely not the right way to handle this.

[HeartGoesOn]

As they say, "be careful what you wish for."  This situation has a strong potential to backfire, resulting in coming up empty handed.

I'd give this more thought, slow down and be honest with your husband.

 

[Bloom565]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Come on. You already know the answer to this. 

Guilt or regret? Those are two different things. Look, there is something very wrong with your marriage if you are missing your ex this much and contemplating getting in touch. You do not need closure after 2.5 years, nor do you need another friend. Deep down, you know that's not why you want to reach out. You are looking to see if there is something still there. 

Why did you marry your husband, and what problems exist between you and him? Did you marry him just because he is a good guy, even though you don't have strong feelings for him?
 

My family introduced me to my husband, they thought he was a really good guy and they were right. But there was no spark. I didn't feel that strongly for him. If he wasn't as wonderful as he is, I would've already left him but he truly loves me and I feel so bad that I can't love him the same way. I am trying so hard to do the right thing that at times I feel like abandoning everything and running off.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Bloom565 said:

My family introduced me to my husband, they thought he was a really good guy and they were right. But there was no spark. I didn't feel that strongly for him. If he wasn't as wonderful as he is, I would've already left him but he truly loves me and I feel so bad that I can't love him the same way. I am trying so hard to do the right thing that at times I feel like abandoning everything and running off.

Then you have a duty to let him go to be truly loved. Never marry someone you don’t love. That is robbing them of a good life. 

[Latina_Metal_Chick]

13 minutes ago, Bloom565 said:

My family introduced me to my husband, they thought he was a really good guy and they were right. But there was no spark. I didn't feel that strongly for him. If he wasn't as wonderful as he is, I would've already left him but he truly loves me and I feel so bad that I can't love him the same way. I am trying so hard to do the right thing that at times I feel like abandoning everything and running off.

You are doing a disservice to your husband.  He probably thinks you feel the same way about him that he feels about you. If he’s as good of a guy as you say he is then he deserves for you to tel him the truth. Sure it will hurt him to hear but he deserves someone in his life who actually loves him. Abandoning him and running off is the coward’s way out.

[Bloom565]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you forced into marriage? Is this an arranged marriage?

What "circumstances" led to the breakup. What makes you believe he misses you?

Cheating is not the answer. You're not looking for friends or closure, you're just unhappily married now.

Possessiveness is a sign of abuse, not love. Perhaps you miss drama?

I wasn't forced into marriage but yes my family liked this guy a lot more than they liked my ex. And you can say that their opinion mattered to me. 

As for the circumstances, my ex wanted to marry me. He was afraid my family would keep telling me to leave him and I will (that's what I did in the end, didn't I?) I told him I wasn't ready. We got in a big fight over something stupid and then I left. I didn't tell him why I was leaving. He kept trying to reach me but I was tired of the bickering. 

Now I know you'd be thinking why my family thinks that my ex wasn't good for me, it was because they thought it was an abusive relationship. He was too obsessed. He wanted to be with me all the time and he would jump off the cliff if I told him to.

He told me his biggest fear was that I'd leave him for someone else. 

And when I broke up it was just because I needed space. But then I met my husband and I liked his gentle method of loving, so when he proposed I accepted. And I rushed things because I didn't want to go back.

But fast forward to the point I am at now, I feel like I didn't do both of men justice. My ex is still confused as to what really happened. And my husband, he has no idea of what goes on in my mind either.

[Bloom565]

10 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

You married someone else less than 6 mos after you broke up with your ex?  Wow.. why so fast?  Do you feel you didn't really know him?

Not a good plan, eh?  😕 .

As for your ex.. how about you just leave him as that & let it go.  Curious, fine, but don't bother acting on any of it.  he's your ex for reasons.  Be respectful enough to not contact him again so he can move on with his life as well.

Move along.  And deal with what you've got now. If you're not happy, then get out of this.

 

Thank you for the advice. Talking about it here is making me realise how stupid my thought process really is.

I married so fast because I was afraid I would let my heart take the lead once again and my relationship was too overwhelming  (abusive as my family and friends believe) I wanted an out and that was marrying another guy. 

But abusive or not, I loved my ex. A part of me still does. 

And just like you said, letting him move on by not contacting him. That's what I've been doing for past 2 year's but he's still stuck in the same spot and it makes me feel so bad.

 

[Honeycomb8]

39 minutes ago, Bloom565 said:

My family introduced me to my husband, they thought he was a really good guy and they were right. But there was no spark. I didn't feel that strongly for him. If he wasn't as wonderful as he is, I would've already left him but he truly loves me and I feel so bad that I can't love him the same way. I am trying so hard to do the right thing that at times I feel like abandoning everything and running off.

Then get a divorce-you can then do what you want. 

Contacting an ex with less than innocent intentions when you're married is wrong. 

You are clearly emotionally attached to someone else, I don't think staying in the marriage is a good idea.

[Bloom565]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think there's a broad range of possessiveness before it gets to any concerning point but the real point is -this "possessive/madly in love" guy chose circumstances over  you.  So he wasn't that possessive.  He wasn't that madly in love.  Was he married -was this the "circumstance that didn't work in your favour?" And now he's divorced, right?  You cannot be friends with him because of the attraction - are you ready to introduce him to your husband and are you ready to hear about this madly in love guy's tales of how madly in love he is with others now -or how he wants to date others?  That's what friends chat about.  Give yourself closure - and I'm not sure how one gets married if one doesn't yet have closure from a past relationship - whether the closure is from within or otherwise.

Kind gentle people are great matches for certain people  - to you however my sense is you see him as an adoring puppy and the kind and gentle stuff is Mr. Right on Paper but doesn't float your boat.  You settled for him thinking kind and gentle was a good antidote to madly in love (your perception of the man you were fantasizing about online) - and would make a good, obedient husband (again like getting a puppy/dog). 

But marriage involves some "right on paper" but it is not -at all -the reason to get married or the glue that holds the marriage together.    Or fair to the person who is being tolerated by the partner who settled for him while she pines away for "what could have been".

You and your ex didn't want to marry each other badly enough or you'd be married (again my sense is the circumstances have to do with that pesky obstacle of his wife or partner, yes?).  We can miss people and choose not to contact them because the contact could hurt other people in our lives.

I'd let your puppy dog husband find someone who truly appreciates him and is excited to be with him (if you have children then maybe I'd do counseling as a last ditch effort).  Then you can contact your ex and be "friends" or whatever.  Good luck.

Your first paragraph is entirely wrong. He wasn't married and he didn't choose circumstances over me, I did. When I said madly in love, it was because when we were together, nothing else mattered to him than me. And he told me that even if I left him, it'd remain that way. At the time, I didn't think he really meant that but well, I believe him now. He also told me that maybe one day if he did let someone else in his life, he would never be able to feel as strongly as he did for me. But that was all if I left him, he didn't believe I would.

As for the second para, I agree with you. I thought a gentle husband would float my boat but it didn't go that way. Obviously. 

And you are right. Missing someone and contacting them are two very different things. And I will try my best not to contact my ex, ever. 

[Bloom565]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Then you have a duty to let him go to be truly loved. Never marry someone you don’t love. That is robbing them of a good life. 

What I want to do is let go of my ex so I can love my husband the way he deserves but I'm failing at that. I want to get my ex out of my mind but I'm unable to. 

[Bloom565]

Just now, Honeycomb8 said:

Then get a divorce-you can then do what you want. 

Contacting an ex with less than innocent intentions when you're married is wrong. 

You are clearly emotionally attached to someone else, I don't think staying in the marriage is a good idea.

You are right. I wish relationships were simpler. 

[Bloom565]

Just now, Latina_Metal_Chick said:

You are doing a disservice to your husband.  He probably thinks you feel the same way about him that he feels about you. If he’s as good of a guy as you say he is then he deserves for you to tel him the truth. Sure it will hurt him to hear but he deserves someone in his life who actually loves him. Abandoning him and running off is the coward’s way out.

You're right. He does deserve the truth.

[Bloom565]

1 hour ago, Latina_Metal_Chick said:

Being possessive doesn’t sound like a good quality in a partner. Plus contacting your ex “for closure” isn’t going to lead to anything good. It sounds like you’re unhappy in your marriage. You need to talk this over with your husband. Contacting your ex might lead to cheating and that’s definitely not the right way to handle this.

Yeah that's why I haven't contacted him. And yes I need to talk to my husband. 

[Latina_Metal_Chick]

3 minutes ago, Bloom565 said:

Yeah that's why I haven't contacted him. And yes I need to talk to my husband. 

I wish you luck. Both you and your husband deserve happiness. I hope both of you can find it.

[Bloom565]

Just now, Latina_Metal_Chick said:

I wish you luck. Both you and your husband deserve happiness. I hope both of you can find it.

Thank you so much 🙂

[lostandhurt]

What is stopping you from talking things over with your husband?  Are you afraid he will divorce you?

Go after your ex?  From the way you described your husband he seems pretty level headed and understanding.  Why not be truthful so you both can decide what is best.  After all this affects him too right?

  It doesn't sound there is anyone else you can confide in besides us and your husband so give him the gift of honesty.

  Lost

 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Bloom565 said:

And just like you said, letting him move on by not contacting him. That's what I've been doing for past 2 year's but he's still stuck in the same spot and it makes me feel so bad.

 

stuck in what spot?