Indecisive about getting back with Ex girlfriend

[Izac1789]

Hi all

 

5 months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of around 1 year as i felt that it was missing something for me. I found myself not looking forward to seeing her as much, and sometimes when we were together I felt it was missing something in terms of my feeling & passion towards her. 
 

Since then, we have been gone through phases of seeing each other & sleeping together, and other phases less so much, with the agreement of no pressure on an outcome. However my ex girlfriend felt quite insecure about the situation and was on edge about what I really wanted, which I can understand and caused some arguing & volatile moments. Thus, she said to me she wanted me to commit to her and be back together properly or just to leave things. I still had doubts in my head so I said to leave things be, and we did so amicably. We have the same friendship group and I was wary of getting back with her, all our friends and family being told and then for me to possibly change my mind in the future. 
 

Since calling it off, I seem to overthink everything and miss her. It sounds corny but we are best friends and very good together. We rarely argued when together and share the same values, as well as a high attraction. I really wish I could give my all and be rid of the doubts to make sure I’m ready to get back together. that’s if it’s not too late of course. 
 

when we were seeing each other again we said we would be exclusive to each other and not sleep with other people, so I just didn’t see the rush in forcing it forward and giving a label, but seems now if I leave things I will lose her. I also know if I find out she has moved on with someone else I’ll be really hurt 

 

What is everyone’s thoughts please? Is it normal to still be wanting her and these feelings after 5 months? I’m not sure what to do and no one to talk to about this

 

thanks in advance 

[MissCanuck]

I think getting back together would just lead to another break-up. 

You only really seem to "miss" her at a distance, but not when you're together. That is the cue that she isn't the one for you. If you haven't been able to confidently say that you want to commit to her, then you need to leave her be so she can move on. 

The right woman is out there for you. This one just isn't her. 

[Rose Mosse]

Leave it the way it is. You're selfish for wanting to bring her back into this circus. When you had her you were not sure about her. When you don't have her you're complaining about feeling sad if someone else has her. Be more honest with yourself and treat others with a little more respect or even compassion. 

You both have to distance yourself eventually and move on to other groups of friends. Remaining in close contact or believing that anything is amicable after a break up is incorrect. Both of you are healing and grieving after a loss of a relationship. Give space and time to move on and that means go out and make new friends. 

[Lambert]

I think you just don't want to be alone. 

And all this make up to break up stuff is really damaging to her. Dangling a carrot when you know something is missing for you. 

if you really care for a person you don't jerk them around. You know she wants a proper boyfriend and deserves to be treated with respect.

Right now. she is blinded by her love for you.  So don't take advantage of that.  Be mature and let her go. 

[smackie9]

This is the thing about breakups...you must go through a transition period where you adjust to life without them. You have to break your attachment/dependency. You fill the void with dating other people, being more active in your interests, spend time on yourself. If you give yourself about a month of NC, and hang with your friends for bro time, you will get rid of those feelings and be at peace with your decision.

[Izac1789]

I understand that this is part of a break up, and have had breaks ups previously but I’ve never still been doubting my decision to end things 5 months down the line. Obviously sometimes people make the wrong decision when breaking up and things get worked out and people are happy again together. 
 

ive never had a longer term relationship. I’m wondering if that honeymoon stag of losing butterflies, and the excitement was mistaken for ‘something missing’. I don’t want to tangle her up with the mess again, unless I know 100% i can commit and be true to my word 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Izac1789 said:

I don’t want to tangle her up with the mess again

Leave the past in the past. This nebulous situationship is nonsense for both of you.  She wants commitment, you want freedom. It will never work.

 Set both yourselves free so you can put an end to this incompatibility, headaches and heartaches.

 Is this the same woman?:

 

[Izac1789]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Leave the past in the past. This nebulous situationship is nonsense for both of you.  She wants commitment, you want freedom. It will never work.

 Set both yourselves free so you can put an end to this incompatibility, headaches and heartaches.

 Is this the same woman?:

 

Yes this is the same woman, I feel if you’ve read the previous threads you will understand the situation very well

 

thanks in advance 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

Since then, we have been gone through phases of seeing each other & sleeping together, and other phases less so much, with the agreement of no pressure on an outcome. However my ex girlfriend felt quite insecure about the situation and was on edge about what I really wanted, which I can understand and caused some arguing & volatile moments. Thus, she said to me she wanted me to commit to her and be back together properly or just to leave things. I still had doubts in my head so I said to leave things be, and we did so amicably.

This, you need to stop in order to work on accepting & moving on properly.  Neither one of you have been able to properly accept any of it, since you haven't let it go.

So, do that now.  No more meet ups ( as you were likely doing that.. use her to get over her act).  Just don't!  It's so unfair. I agree with her.. You're either in this or you're out!

Yeah, what you are doing to her is setting her off.  It's setting her up to work on being ready for you to walk away again. ( been there, it's damaging).

You know this is not for you.. and in time, things will calm down and you two will get over each other. But, all needs to be done, totally.

So, stop leading her on and cut ties, totally now.

As for this 'friends' thing.. Yeah, you were before you got involved, but that has changed now, so don't expect that from her now ( not at this time).  Is hard to go backwards.

 

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

 I’ve never still been doubting my decision to end things 5 months down the line.

Maybe because even though you broke up, you've still been together. Broke up but still close & having sex, is confusing.

After a break up the best thing for both people is to stop talking, stop seeing each other, stop following each other on social media.

Full on no contact. It feels like crap at first but it gets easier. Your mind starts to clear and you start to see how you really feel. 

Staying together but broke up is letting fear control you.

A happy healthy relationship is not cloudy. That much is a fact.

The best thing you can do is go no contact. Make no promises of an answer in the future. The answer is you're broke up.

Give it time and space. You'll move on or you'll float back but until you're really apart you'll never know.  

Does it suck? yep. it does. 

 

 

[Izac1789]

44 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Maybe because even though you broke up, you've still been together. Broke up but still close & having sex, is confusing.

After a break up the best thing for both people is to stop talking, stop seeing each other, stop following each other on social media.

Full on no contact. It feels like crap at first but it gets easier. Your mind starts to clear and you start to see how you really feel. 

Staying together but broke up is letting fear control you.

A happy healthy relationship is not cloudy. That much is a fact.

The best thing you can do is go no contact. Make no promises of an answer in the future. The answer is you're broke up.

Give it time and space. You'll move on or you'll float back but until you're really apart you'll never know.  

Does it suck? yep. it does. 

 

 

I agree, time is needed. 
 

thank you 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. If you can't be 'all in,' then it's best to stay all out.