Was the break-up my fault?

[CosmicClouds]

I (25F) recently dated a guy (26M) from Bumble. He was fun, loving, good looking, sex was great, we had fun together, the works - and it was the first time I'd started to really feel for someone in a long time. He said the same. A couple weeks after meeting, he asked me to be his gf.

Because I've been hurt many times before, I made a few comments throughout that I was worried it was all too good to be true. He said I was overthinking, being negative and reassured me that he thought very highly of me. He talked (probably a bit too much) about having kids and marrying me, making me feel special and telling me I'm perfect.

It became clear very quickly that we both came from different backgrounds. He was from a rich family in Cambridge with very little hardship in life, and I'm a northern girl with a tough past. I warned him I was a little insecure, but he just laughed, comforted me, and said he was needy anyway.

After a couple weeks, I misinterpreted a text message of his and panicked that he was annoyed with me. I'd been out with family and not text in a while, he said "Everything ok??" With no emojis, nothing else, which was not like him. I tried calling a few times with no answer. I ended up driving to his (I was meant to stay over anyway) and knocking on the window. Turns out he was napping and I'd overreacted. I explained and apologised (I've been hurt and treated badly in the past) saying I just misunderstood. He was fine afterwards with no change in behaviour.

A week later, he went out with friends and that's where it all changed. He was texting me less, wanting to see me less, all the typical signs of pulling away. I tried to be myself whenever we communicated and stayed positive and happy through the pain.

We arranged to see eachother for dinner one evening and he fell unwell and wanted to spend time on his own. I said that was perfectly fine. After work, I rang him but made the mistake of crying and saying I wasn't feeling too good myself as I'd recently been diagnosed with low blood pressure and fainted that morning in the shower - but I didn't want him to worry about me. He sounded fed up, but said he would come over, give me a hug and pick up his playstation from my house, but he wanted to be alone tonight.

The day after he went to visit his parents and text me saying we were too different in personality and that it was best we separated. He wasn't ready for a relationship and it was too rushed. Low and behold, I saw him on bumble again within a week.

I feel absolutely awful and I believe I was too emotional and should've kept my problems to myself. I can't stop believing that the demise of the relationship was all my fault. I hate anxiety ruining my happiness and I can't stop crying; wishing I'd done things differently.

Just looking for outsiders opinions and maybe some help as to how to cope with this. It really is killing me :( I am getting help for the mental health issues but I just can't shake this.

Any help would be much appreciated.

[Kwothe28]

I dunno. His reasons for breaking up are BS(though he is maybe on Brumble now just for sex) but the real reason could be anything. Your behavior where you literally run over to his place after he didnt answer the message is borderline stalkerish. Dont do that because, yes it can and will for a good reason frighten the other side. But you say he was pulling out a week later when he got out with friends so it could be that he just met somebody then. Anyway, its kinda pointless to kinda pinpoint exactly the right reason because most of them are BS just to get away. What you do know is that he wanted that out so respect that. You are fairly young, you will deal with this and move on to find somebody else. But work on yourself and your issues because as you see, they create a problems when it comes to relationships. 

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @Kwothe28 

Don't be so harsh on yourself. Try to be more compassionate.

It's okay. We don't know why he wanted out. Maybe it was you over reacting, maybe he found someone else, maybe he didn't feel it anymore... That's normal. You could go through that too when you date other men. You think you like the fit and then suddenly you don't feel it anymore. You have the right too to be respectful and leave.

At least he was straightforward. Head held high. You'll be okay. Enjoy the dating!

[SooSad33]

39 minutes ago, CosmicClouds said:

The day after he went to visit his parents and text me saying we were too different in personality and that it was best we separated. He wasn't ready for a relationship and it was too rushed. Low and behold, I saw him on bumble again within a week.

I agree, was too rushed.  And for him to talk about marriage & kids?  No.

You two didn't know each other well enough & he was all talk.

Yes, sounds like you struggle and yes, could have been a little too much for him.  He sounds a little more 'carefree'..outgoing and you a little too insecure? ( been there).  It's a turnoff 😕 .

Anyways, you need to let this one go - all of it.  It was not real.

Is best you focus on yourself more.. and deal with your own issue's.  So they stop spreading into your relationships.

Be on your own for a while.  is never a bad thing to be single & work on ourselves.. No expectations, etc.  But, some true down time and focus on just us. ❤️ 

 

[lostandhurt]

Yes you did overreact because there were no omojis.  Think about that for a moment.  A text from him didn't have omojis.

  I think the honeymoon phase ended and the differences you mentioned started to creep in.

I will say he went way to fast with talk of marriage and children.  How long did you actually date?

Next time don't read so much into a text message.  We see it here all the time where a stupid misunderstanding because of a text message or how long it took someone to respond to a message ruins a good thing.

 Your insecurities are troubling but we all have them, you just allow yours to subvert your happiness.  This is where I think you could improve things.

 He isn't the only guy in the pond so once you heal from this and stop beating yourself up over how you caused him to walk away start dating again but with a different outlook.

Lost

[Spawn]

stop dating for a while, you both went in way too fast when things need time to grow. Don't be so hard on yourself as It happens with many out there.  You will learn from all this, not to get to close and emotional with people so early in a relationship. Block and purge his contacts so you can heal and forget.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, CosmicClouds said:

The day after he went to visit his parents and text me saying we were too different in personality and that it was best we separated. He wasn't ready for a relationship and it was too rushed. Low and behold, I saw him on bumble again within a week.

Sorry this happened. You seem sincere and straight up. This has nothing to do with you.
He seems like a cad who sort of goes through women swiftly and superficially.

Nothing you did was wrong, he's simply that type of guy.

You'll do fine in the future.

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and disappointed.  I think the way you reacted to your insecurities was a turn off and came across as way too self absorbed particularly in a new relationship.  

I don't think you were too emotional.  Don't tell yourself that you should hide your emotions.  You shouldn't.  Rather, the real issues here are why did you expect him to play parent/therapist and reassure you about your insecurities based on your past -why was that his job?

It didn't change when he went out with his friends -that's when you observed it.  It changed when he realized you were too high maintenance for him especially this early in the relationship he was changing and going out with his friends where he felt he could breathe and have good conversations that involved back and forth and not walking on eggshells where he might have to reassure someone else he still approved of them -that might have clinched it for him. 

I understand you weren't feeling well that evening but he also wasn't feeling well and I'm not sure why you even told him you weren't well- wasn't there someone else to call or why not just go to urgent care? 

I very often went right back on line to a dating site after a relationship ended.  Very often it wasn't to meet someone right away -just to see what was going on.  Means nothing.  

Yes, he moved too fast and you have control over the pace including deciding someone is just way too fast and you're not a match.  

It's not about "fault" -this was a short term relationship and you made choices that weren't compatible with his way of being in the world.  There are people who love feeling "needed" and love reassuring someone because it gives them a sense of control and power.  Most people I know -me included -get really turned off especially in a romantic context.  But no it's not fault.  You didn't mistreat him you simply wanted what he did not want to give to you and you were more focused on how much he liked you/if he still liked you/getting reassurance than giving of yourself to him. 

I hope you get to a place where you have enough self esteem and self confidence so that you can either put to the periphery the normal feelings of insecurity in the beginning and not subject your partner to how you react and then have the space and energy to actually get to know your partner.  

Good luck.  I know it's hard.

[Honeycomb8]

Your behaviour was TOO much and creepy. 

How long did you date for? A month max?

He shouldn't have mentioned marriage or kids (red flag) and you should stay single for a good year and work on yourself. The way you freaked out and your thought process just isn't healthy. It is scary and would scare anyone - if a guy did that to me I'd run far away. 

[poorlittlefish]

13 hours ago, CosmicClouds said:

 After work, I rang him but made the mistake of crying and saying I wasn't feeling too good myself as I'd recently been diagnosed with low blood pressure and fainted that morning in the shower - but I didn't want him to worry about me.  

I think he might have been having doubts about you and this was the final straw. You told him because you wanted a reaction. You cried after having previously overreacted to a simple text. He probably saw these behaviours as signs that you were going to be high maintenance or too much drama for him. 

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, CosmicClouds said:

he said "Everything ok??" With no emojis, nothing else, which was not like him. I tried calling a few times with no answer. I ended up driving to his (I was meant to stay over anyway) and knocking on the window.

What was your thought process behind this? This is too much for a couple missed calls over a lack of emojis. 

16 hours ago, CosmicClouds said:

I rang him but made the mistake of crying and saying I wasn't feeling too good myself as I'd recently been diagnosed with low blood pressure and fainted that morning in the shower - but I didn't want him to worry about me.

So you didn't want him to worry when you called him crying about passing out in the shower? What sort of reaction did you anticipate? "Don't worry about me" sounds very insincere, and he knew it. It made you look more like you were upset he wasn't soothing you enough but tried to disguise it by saying your tears were about something else. He knows you were looking for some sign he cared and you were seeking a reaction. 

It is disappointing that it didn't work out, but it's a good learning moment to help you develop some better coping mechanisms for when you feel anxious and insecure. Showing up at his door isn't one of them. But you can absolutely use this whole experience to figure out better ways to manage your emotions.