What just happened in my relationship?

[StarLemonPie]

I (19F) had been feeling that my boyfriend (18M) was distant for this past week, which was weird. We just had our 1 year anniversary a month ago and we were the happiest. He even said nice stuff to me during this week, even if he was distant. Like he loved me so much, that I am so pretty, stuff like that.

But yesterday, while we were organizing to hang out today, he said he needed to talk to me when we see each other. And I asked him if it was bad. Then he said that he felt unsatisfied in our relationship. That he felt our relationship would be better if we were adults with more freedom and with less limitations. That we were right, but not right now. I asked if this was breaking up. He didn't answer that and just continued saying that he still loves me and that he's very in love with me, but that he doesn't feel like pretending he's been satisfied. I said that's okay, that we could work on it if he tells me why does he feel that way so I can improve. He said that he didn't tell me because I was having a hard time lately and he didn't want to make me feel worse. I told him that didn't matter, as it's not bad to ask for something he wants in a relationship, and that I wouldn't mind. I asked again, then what are us, or what is going on right now. He said we could be friends. I told him in all honesty, that I felt like this is something that can be worked on instead of just breaking up. Then – for some reason I still don't get – he said he wanted me to see more people. I told him that honestly, I wasn't interested on that since I am in love with him. I told him that personally, to me it didn't matter if he didn't buy me things or if we didn't see each other that much (i mean, we are in the middle of a pandemic...) I told him many teenagers like us, depend on their parents even if they work, and some of them have relationships that work. And I also said I don't understand why he wanted me to see other people, I wondered if he wanted me to be more experienced and he said “Maybe” and said he should meet other people too. I told him I didn't understand why or what does this has to do with him being unsatisfied. He said that he loves me too much but knows love isn't the only thing that carries a relationship, and of course, I agree with that. I told him yes, a relationship is something you work on constantly every day. It has ups and downs, but at the end of the day if the thing can be worked on, then it should be worked on instead of just leaving it there. He said we should be together but in the future when we are older, and that it would "reaffirm us" I told him I didn't understand how that would work. Like, first getting in relationships or meeting other people while we are in love with ourselves and with this sort of thing of "promising" to be together in the future feels unfair for these other people. Also, what would just happen if one of us loves someone else and the other one keeps waiting for the other on that promise? It didn't make sense to me. Then he said he wouldn't mind if I married someone else, and I said that right now, I don't want to marry or be with someone else. I told him to just tell me clearly what has him feeling unsatisfied, because I can work on it, you know? If there's a solution, then there's it. Why go around hurting other people and being apart of in the end we love eachother and we can work on this? Then he explained to me he didn't like how it was very hard that we see eachother often (my parents aren't very permissive, specially now with the pandemic – but being fair we have seen each other many times even in parties that my parents don't usually let me go to) that he didn't want me to be embarrassed to take initiative to kiss him and stuff (when I um... Last times actually took the initiative for that. And last time we saw eachother at a public place, so I mean...) then he said he didn't like that my parents being too protective (like if i can control that... also, it's not really his place to judge my parents or my relationship with them. He said it himself, so why did he do that.) Either way, I said I'll work on it and he asked what he would do for me. I told him first, that if he didn't want to talk, he could tell me instead of just disappearing for days (it really triggers my anxiety disorder. been telling this to him for a year. Not seen much of a solution) that he could be more communicative in general so we can avoid these kind of misunderstandings and all of that. Then he kept ranting about my parents, and i honestly thought that I haven't painted them that bad as he makes them out to be. They're no way perfect, but they're not abusive. They're just very worried and kinda strict. I told him then I'll be going to sleep (I had to wake up early today) and that I got permission to see him tomorrow. Then he just asked me about a random thing and that's it. Saw him online a bit ago and... He hasn't said anything. If we are actually gonna hang out, or what just happened. It's just so confusing I don't get what just went on or what did he want to achieve. I hope i can get my doubts cleared today and that we can work this out. 

[Batya33]

I'm really sorry.  It takes two people to want things to work out.  He doesn't. He wants to end the romantic relationship.  You shouldn't try to convince someone to stay who doesn't want to.  He doesn't care if you date others or marry someone else.  Which means he is not that into you anymore.  He wants to explore other options.  He wants you to do the same.  A person who wants to be committed to another person doesn't want to explore other options and would be devastated if the other person did

He only brought up all the excuses because you didn't let him go.  Once someone says they do not feel the same and want to date others sure you can ask why but typically the why will be either that they are not sure or "I'm not ready for a relationship" (with you).  Sure if you'd done something wrong or unintentionally hurtful the person would tell you that but wouldn't want to end things -more like "look I'm really upset you did ___ and I'm thinking of ending it because it's so hurtful but why don't we talk it over" -at the very worst that is what is said. He didn't.  He wants to end things. 

He listened to you plead to change his mind. But he doesn't want to be nagged into being with you.  He doesn't want to "work on things".  I'm sorry you're disappointed but don't tell yourself it's "confusing" -that's you making it confusing. He was very direct about what he wants.  To see other people.  So let him. And I'd suggest not staying in touch as friends because friends talk about who they are dating.  That won't be good for you to hear.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[SooSad33]

44 minutes ago, StarLemonPie said:

it's not really his place to judge my parents or my relationship with them. He said it himself, so why did he do that.) Either way, I said I'll work on it and he asked what he would do for me. I told him first, that if he didn't want to talk, he could tell me instead of just disappearing for days (it really triggers my anxiety disorder. been telling this to him for a year. Not seen much of a solution) that he could be more communicative in general so we can avoid these kind of misunderstandings and all of that.

Yeah, sounds like a lot is bothering him.... and what's his solution? To disappear? (and you say he's been doing this for a year, so thru the whole relationship)....

As mentioned, you're going around & around in this with him and he's given you plenty of excuses, so he is trying hard to get out of this with you. 😕 .

IF someone is truly into you, you'll know it.  Not offer you off to go see other's. Sadly, yes, this mean's he's giving up.

So, you accept and remove yourself.  Keep your self respect and ask for nothing more!

You two are still very young and have a lot to learn & experience.

So, please just leave him be now.  He's not happy being involved anymore... Can't make someone love us.

 

[Kwothe28]

In the future dont pressure people to tell you whats wrong if they want to break up. People are mostly cowards. And usually just telling you some convinient excuse and not the real reason. In order to get out without too much hustle. Telling you the real reason would require another set of questions or even make you mad, if its about you then you will say that you can change, if its about them(btw its almost never them "Its not you, its me" is just another line they use to tell you its you) you will say how it doesnt matter and it would just drag on like in this case. So its mostly just excuses to get out. In his case sounds like he met somebody else. But he wants to keep the options open with you in case he wants to come back down the line. He also implied that you were inexperienced. That usually means they want somebody with more experience. I am sorry, but he sounds like a ***. You are still very young and am sure will meet somebody who will treat you properly down the line. And then laugh how much of a *** your ex was. 

[DarkCh0c0]

57 minutes ago, StarLemonPie said:

I told him to just tell me clearly what has him feeling unsatisfied, because I can work on it, you know? If there's a solution, then there's it. Why go around hurting other people and being apart of in the end we love eachother and we can work on this?

Yea. You're forcing this. Instead of accepting his feelings and dealing with the fact that he's literally telling you he wants to be young, have fun, and see other people- you're finding "something you can do" for each excuse. It doesn't matter what he'll say, you're so stubborn and self-focused that you aren't able to see his side of his story and the end of this relationship.

Anyways, he didn't know how to be firm and tell you it's over, so now he's ghosting you. Young age, low experience, ... He probably doesn't know how to and you're not leaving room for him to spell it out either.

So, accept the end this. No contact. And focus on your studies, having fun, and healing. You'll be okay. Don't let it strike your ego too much.

[StarLemonPie]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

In the future dont pressure people to tell you whats wrong if they want to break up. People are mostly cowards. And usually just telling you some convinient excuse and not the real reason. In order to get out without too much hustle. Telling you the real reason would require another set of questions or even make you mad, if its about you then you will say that you can change, if its about them(btw its almost never them "Its not you, its me" is just another line they use to tell you its you) you will say how it doesnt matter and it would just drag on like in this case. So its mostly just excuses to get out. In his case sounds like he met somebody else. But he wants to keep the options open with you in case he wants to come back down the line. He also implied that you were inexperienced. That usually means they want somebody with more experience. I am sorry, but he sounds like a ***. You are still very young and am sure will meet somebody who will treat you properly down the line. And then laugh how much of a *** your ex was. 

I mean it's kind of weird because I did ask him if it was because of someone else, and then he said that he's not the kind of person to leave relationships for someone else, that this was because he was unsatisfied because I can't go out and I don't take iniciative (and he's actually mentioned that in the past but never said it made him feel bad, quite the contrary he said it was ok)

[Kwothe28]

8 minutes ago, StarLemonPie said:

I mean it's kind of weird because I did ask him if it was because of someone else, and then he said that he's not the kind of person to leave relationships for someone else, that this was because he was unsatisfied because I can't go out and I don't take iniciative (and he's actually mentioned that in the past but never said it made him feel bad, quite the contrary he said it was ok)

You dont even want to know how much times I heard "I am not like that" only to find out after a week they are exactly like that. 

Again, who knows? Maybe he just wants to go out and have fun. What is certain is that he wanted to leave and he told you that. And that you shouldnt have questioned that. Because it just takes you further "down the rabbit hole" and wont get you answers. Again, its mostly just excuses anyway.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, StarLemonPie said:

Then – for some reason I still don't get – he said he wanted me to see more people.

1 hour ago, StarLemonPie said:

said he should meet other people too.

This is your answer. 

Usually when people say this, they already have someone else in mind. I realize he has told you this is not the case, but I don't think I would be so quick to assume he's being honest about that. A man in love isn't going to encourage his girlfriend to see other people - unless he is already curious about another person himself. 

I am sorry, OP. I think your relationship is coming to an end and he is trying to make it about you not being experienced or your strict parents to distract from the simple truth that he has lost interest and wants to move on. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, StarLemonPie said:

That he felt our relationship would be better if we were adults with more freedom and with less limitations. 

Do you both have strict parents or are yours stricter than his?

He seems a bit immature for you, like he wants to do a lot of teen stuff and not be saddled down in a steady relationship. Was he pushing you for more sexual activity?

 That's ok. Although you are attached to him, there's plenty of boys you can date who are more mature or who understand your parents constraints.

 Are you two from a conservative culture/religion or are you from different cultures/religions?

[melancholy123]

Sorry, but you have been dumped.  you are pushing for answers and info he may not have.  You guys are soooo young!  The male brain doesn't fully mature til age 25, so you are ahead of him in maturity.

You will have to let this go.  Take time for yourself and then you can look for a new guy who is more on your wavelength.

[StarLemonPie]

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you both have strict parents or are yours stricter than his?

He seems a bit immature for you, like he wants to do a lot of teen stuff and not be saddled down in a steady relationship. Was he pushing you for more sexual activity?

 That's ok. Although you are attached to him, there's plenty of boys you can date who are more mature or who understand your parents constraints.

 Are you two from a conservative culture/religion or are you from different cultures/religions?

My parents are stricter than his. They're not even that strict tbh, but they started to dislike him when they discovered he needed therapy and a psychiatrist (he has depression) he was not pushing me to be sexual, he is asexual himself. 

We are from a very conservative culture. Our country is conservative. His parents are just more permissive about going out and all that stuff. Mine aren't.

[Batya33]

If he is asexual what was the purpose of being involved with him romantically?  What kind of future would you have with someone asexual? He may not have anyone else in mind but may have the dream of someone else so he is unsatisfied.  I am dubious that he is actually asexual.  If he were he wouldn’t be so keen on dating others. Certainly dating is not just sex but at some point whether before or after marriage it’s an expectation if things are to progress. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, StarLemonPie said:

My parents are stricter than his. They're not even that strict tbh, but they started to dislike him when they discovered he needed therapy and a psychiatrist (he has depression) he was not pushing me to be sexual, he is asexual himself. 

We are from a very conservative culture. Our country is conservative. His parents are just more permissive about going out and all that stuff. Mine aren't.

Ok. Even if breakups hurt, it may be best in this case to set each other free. Let him focus on himself and his mental health.

[Tinydance]

Well I understand you're from a conservative culture but you are 19 years old so you are actually an adult. In most countries the legal age is 18. I would be annoyed too if I was dating someone and we're both adults, bit their parents control them and don't let me see them much. That's not up to your parents if you can see your boyfriend or not, this is your life. I know they're your parents and you want to defend them. But the reason why they don't like your boyfriend is very judgemental. He can't help it if he has depression and needs help from a psychiatrist. Your parents don't sound understanding at all so you can see why your boyfriend wouldn't like it. I think you would have this problem with a new boyfriend too because your parents are too controlling.

That aside, I think that your boyfriend just doesn't want a serious relationship. From everything he said he just wants to date different girls and have fun. He doesn't want to settle down. I don't think he truly loves you because if he did then why did he break up with you? I think he's just saying those things because he's too cowardly to tell the truth. Also it sounds like he wants to keep you on the hook in case he doesn't find other girls and changes his mind in the future. I think just let him break up and don't wait for him and don't be available to him. Yes you could have worked on things and improved the relationship but the problem is he doesn't want to. He hasn't even really given you any actual reasons why he's not satisfied except talking about your parents. He probably doesn't have any real reasons for it except he's not that into you anymore and he wants to experience being with other girls.

[lostandhurt]

I would bet good money he has been talking to someone else and has a crush on them so he wants to break up with you to test drive the other girl.

"I think we should see other people but in the future we should be together"

Translation:  I want to hook up with this new girl I have been talking to but just in case it doesn't work out I want to make sure the door is open for me to get back together with you down the road sometime.

He is breaking up with you plain and simple and unfortunately it doesn't matter why.  He wants out of the relationship and is being pretty cowardly in my opinion blaming your parents or age.

Everyone wants answers after a break up but they rarely help.  Even with all the questions you could ever want being answered you will still be broken up and still heartbroken.

  Try and not let hope make this drag out for you.  The sooner you accept it is over the sooner you can begin to heal.

I am sorry I know this sucks. 

Lost

[smackie9]

He's got the one year itch. The honeymoon phase of your relaiotnship is over, and being that young, he's seeing what else is on the menu. It can be as simple as a girl or girls noticing him. Let him go.