How to leave someone that you still love but is not good for you?

[bajolas]

We will be making 4 years together next month but, ultimately, I don't think he is good for me although I still love him.

A little bit of context is in order.

This relationship has drained me out and, although I still love him, I can't put up with his way of being anymore. The sense of entitlement, in his own words "what applies to other people doesn't apply to me"; the bothering comments in the likes of "if I had a gay kid I would give him to a shelter and I would have no son anymore", " I didn't kill anyone yet because no one ever offered to pay me to do it", "I hate black people because they act and look like monkeys"; the heavy negativity exacerbated by the everyday 3/4L of beer. Unfortunately, my list could go on.

I live by mostly on the principles of compassion and empathy for others, especially for my close ones. I value very much my relationships with people close to me, although I consider myself an introvert who has only a few, but good friends. Unfortunately, he is the total opposite to me.

Of course, not everything about him is bad and I think he does care about his close ones, in his own way.

Neverthless, I'm find myself thinking how I came to be in a relationship with him and came to the conclusion that probably I need to do some work on myself.

To the point of the question, I haven't mustered up the courage to leave. Thinking about him hurting, leaves me broken up inside and I don't know how to navigate this. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, bajolas said:

 his own words "what applies to other people doesn't apply to me"; the bothering comments in the likes of "if I had a gay kid I would give him to a shelter and I would have no son anymore", " I didn't kill anyone yet because no one ever offered to pay me to do it", "I hate black people because they act and look like monkeys"; the heavy negativity exacerbated by the everyday 3/4L of beer. 

He is garbage material. End it.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Read up on why you stayed with an alcoholic. You need to understand your role in this.

[DarkCh0c0]

You are very incompatible. We are talking about core values here.

Definitely break up. It doesn't matter what he'll think of it.

Iwas with someone similar and gosh it is freeing to no longer be related to/associate to a disrespectful entitled arrogant partner. It's really so freeing. So many men are out there and are NOT like this at all. + When he's like that, that's not healthy for the relationship too.

[mical]

Choose your partner wisely.

They say 95% of your happiness or misery will come from that one decision.

By all means block - also I recommend not emailing via gmail because apparently you cannot block emails and they always show up in your mail one way or another... and it may be very very tempting to open one (I know from experience 🤦‍♂️)

My ex created a fake Instagram account this week and contacted me saying I abandoned her and her baby (from someone else) causing her depression. That makes me feel SOOO horrible and guilty you can’t believe. But it’s all manipulations..

I felt incredibly guilty blocking the new account again, but some people will just cause you too much misery and drain your energy and don’t have your best interests in their heart... 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, bajolas said:

Neverthless, I'm find myself thinking how I came to be in a relationship with him and came to the conclusion that probably I need to do some work on myself.

 

That you do. Otherwise you would run from alcoholic racist like him in a second. Nevertheless, when you entangle with something like that for years, its not an easy task to leave. But you will need to gather the courage and say to yourself that you deserve more and that there are certanly better men out there for you.

[LaHermes]

4 hours ago, bajolas said:

I'm find myself thinking how I came to be in a relationship with him and came to the conclusion that probably I need to do some work on myself.

That is what lies at the heart of the matter, OP. Why? 

 

4 hours ago, bajolas said:

Thinking about him hurting, leaves me broken up inside and I don't know how to navigate this. 

Yes, you  do! It is amazingly simple.  I can assure you he will not be "hurting" . He wouldn't know the meaning of that word.  The entitled never do. 

He has drained you, so don't let him finish the job. 

You must ask yourself what drew you to this individual who is, as you say, a polar opposite of yourself. You will need support at this time. 

[Batya33]

If heaven forbid he acts on any of this nonsense you might become implicated to - and I don’t mean “legally “- you’re judged by the company you keep.  Don’t try to change him.  He’s an adult.  

Over 30 years ago I was dating a lovely guy on paper.  And He’d never made any outright racist comments. But he was full of negativity. I finished a year of student teaching in an amazing school that  was very diverse. He knew I loved my students to the moon and back. Talked and gushed about my 4th graders constantly.
I proudly showed him the class picture.  First comment by him “oh!! I see one White kid!” He meant it half jokingly (still not funny at all)but he knew full well my students were my pride and joy.  We’d been dating over a year by then. Something  in me changed - no we didn’t break up then.  But I never quite got over it.  

Like my ex this guy is showing you who he is. Do you like feeling “superior” to him in morals and values ?  Aren’t you worried he’s going  to say something  offensive in a really bad situation when you’re there?? What if you introduce him to a friend who is African American or of a different ethnicity ?  I just don’t understand why you’re with him. Do you?

[SooSad33]

Ohh k... well HE has some real issue's 😕 .

He's critical and racist ! That would not last long with me.

And he does not have much in common with you.

Don't worry about hurting him.. he's already internally messed up a little, ya think?

If it's not there, then be honest and don't fake it anymore.

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

Homophobic and racist are dealbreakers for many. Compassion and empathy don't factor into discriminations like this. It's a good time to end it and look within. Do you live together?

You've asked about how to navigate hurt feelings. That will happen anyway whether you stay with him or whether you end the relationship. By staying you will hurt yourself more. By leaving you will hurt him but both of you are free of that ongoing pain inflicted upon each other. 

[bajolas]

59 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Homophobic and racist are dealbreakers for many. Compassion and empathy don't factor into discriminations like this. It's a good time to end it and look within. Do you live together?

You've asked about how to navigate hurt feelings. That will happen anyway whether you stay with him or whether you end the relationship. By staying you will hurt yourself more. By leaving you will hurt him but both of you are free of that ongoing pain inflicted upon each other. 

We do live together, but I have a place of my own back at my parents hometown.

I've never initiated a breakup and I would really would like to leave as quickly as possible. What can one say in this situation to avoid into too much detail? I know I have to still pack my things up and see him while I do so but I want to minimize the time I'm with him as I know it will hurt a hell lot.

[Cherylyn]

Change the way you think.  I try my best to love people or some people.  However, once I discover that I can't admire and respect them anymore, that love instantly dies.  People who don't possess integrity and treat others with dignity are insecure which makes me feel very uncomfortable.  I perceive them with sudden disdain.  That discomfort is my gut instinct forewarning me to avoid them for my own well being and safety.  I consider some questionable characters to be harmful, a bad influence and in a way, dangerous to engage with.  Any time a person is a red flag, heed those alarm bells in your brain and learn to practice to stay away.  Then it becomes a habit and any former love for them drifts away.  You won't get hurt if you know how to control your life so it benefits you.  Then obnoxiously rude and disrespectful people become an eventual blur due to "out of sight, out of mind" in your brain. 

[bajolas]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If heaven forbid he acts on any of this nonsense you might become implicated to - and I don’t mean “legally “- you’re judged by the company you keep.  Don’t try to change him.  He’s an adult.  

Over 30 years ago I was dating a lovely guy on paper.  And He’d never made any outright racist comments. But he was full of negativity. I finished a year of student teaching in an amazing school that  was very diverse. He knew I loved my students to the moon and back. Talked and gushed about my 4th graders constantly.
I proudly showed him the class picture.  First comment by him “oh!! I see one White kid!” He meant it half jokingly (still not funny at all)but he knew full well my students were my pride and joy.  We’d been dating over a year by then. Something  in me changed - no we didn’t break up then.  But I never quite got over it.  

Like my ex this guy is showing you who he is. Do you like feeling “superior” to him in morals and values ?  Aren’t you worried he’s going  to say something  offensive in a really bad situation when you’re there?? What if you introduce him to a friend who is African American or of a different ethnicity ?  I just don’t understand why you’re with him. Do you?

He's more bark less bite, but still those aren't things I like to hear and to witness this hating rampage.

Besides still having feelings for him I think I'm with him for the same reasons I was in a previous 10 year relationship that should have ended way sooner: fearful of hurting the person and fear of the possibility of being alone and not finding someone.

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, bajolas said:

We do live together, but I have a place of my own back at my parents hometown.

I've never initiated a breakup and I would really would like to leave as quickly as possible. What can one say in this situation to avoid into too much detail? I know I have to still pack my things up and see him while I do so but I want to minimize the time I'm with him as I know it will hurt a hell lot.

Say this:  "We're incompatible.  It's time to go our separate ways permanently.  Please do not contact me anymore.  Please respect my wishes.  Thank you.  I wish you all the best."  Don't complain, explain nor make excuses.  Don't discipline nor lecture him.  Be respectful yet very firm and final.  Be strong and tough.  You can do it.  Yes, it will hurt.  However, the hurt fades the more steadfast, unwavering and serious you are for your best interests.  You do what you have to do and think of how you are better for it in the long run. 

In the future, you can afford to be more picky and choosy.  Pay very close attention to character because being with a moral person is tantamount.  Nothing else matters in your life. 

[boltnrun]

Calmly tell him you've decided you two are not right for one another. If he demands a full explanation simply repeat that you feel you are incompatible. Don't point fingers or go the opposite way and castigate yourself. Simply tell him you are too different to be a good fit.

Pack your belongings while he's away and then enlist a friend or family member to help you move so it's as quick as possible.

Then ask for emotional support from family and friends. Yes, you will believe you "miss" him. You might even start to think you made a mistake or he wasn't so bad after all. But that's an emotional response. Write down (or re-read here) all the reasons why he's not right for you.

And I promise you'll never find the right one as long as you keep yourself attached to the wrong one. Don't worry about "hurting" him, BTW. He'll think it's your loss lol. He doesn't seem very aware of himself.

You will be just fine 🙂

 

[Cherylyn]

OP  bajolas wrote:  "Besides still having feelings for him I think I'm with him for the same reasons I was in a previous 10 year relationship that should have ended way sooner: fearful of hurting the person and fear of the possibility of being alone and not finding someone."

Don't feel sorry for hurting him nor fear that he'll be alone and can't find someone.  That's his problem, not yours.  He's a grown adult so let him take care of himself.  You're not responsible for him.  Live your own life and learn to be independent minded for your own mental survival. 

 

 

[bajolas]

6 hours ago, LaHermes said:

That is what lies at the heart of the matter, OP. Why? 

 

Yes, you  do! It is amazingly simple.  I can assure you he will not be "hurting" . He wouldn't know the meaning of that word.  The entitled never do. 

He has drained you, so don't let him finish the job. 

You must ask yourself what drew you to this individual who is, as you say, a polar opposite of yourself. You will need support at this time. 

Besides the being in love with him I think I stayed because I wrongly thought he could change.

 

[Lambert]

It is hard to break off a LTR. 

Once you know the relationship isn't for you anymore, you just have to do it.

Regardless of your reasons. You don't have to stay with someone just because you tolerated them in the past.

I would do it soon. It takes time to really end a LTR in your mind and to move on. The sooner you start the better.

You do no one any favors prolonging the inevitable and from what you said, this is over. 

Keep posting and Journaling. be strong. You will be happy again and much sooner than you think. 

[bajolas]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

OP  bajolas wrote:  "Besides still having feelings for him I think I'm with him for the same reasons I was in a previous 10 year relationship that should have ended way sooner: fearful of hurting the person and fear of the possibility of being alone and not finding someone."

Don't feel sorry for hurting him nor fear that he'll be alone and can't find someone.  That's his problem, not yours.  He's a grown adult so let him take care of himself.  You're not responsible for him.  Live your own life and learn to be independent minded for your own mental survival. 

 

 

Quote

the possibility of being alone and not finding someone

With this I meant me not finding someone.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, bajolas said:

Besides the being in love with him I think I stayed because I wrongly thought he could change.

 

Has he said he wants to "change"? If not, why would you think he would "change"?

Make a list of the things you believe you love about him. Then compare the list to what you wrote in your OP. And make a third list of what you want in a romantic partner. That will help ground you.

You 100% will not find the right man if you insist on staying with the wrong one.

[Cherylyn]

Just now, bajolas said:

With this I meant me not finding someone.

It's not your problem.  He's a grown adult and responsible for his own life; NOT you.  Whether he finds someone or not, it's none of your concern.  It's his business, NOT yours. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

It's not your problem.  He's a grown adult and responsible for his own life; NOT you.  Whether he finds someone or not, it's none of your concern.  It's his business, NOT yours. 

She means she's afraid SHE won't find someone else.

[Cherylyn]

Just now, boltnrun said:

She means she's afraid SHE won't find someone else.

Thank you, boltnrun.

OP, bajolas.  You will find someone else.  This someone else will deserve you.  For the time being, it's better to be alone than feeling lonely with a very toxic, immoral man in your life.

Your self confidence will grow over time.  The stronger and tougher you grow, the more you can afford to become very picky and choosy.  In the future, you won't settle for a man who is mediocre or subpar in CHARACTER.  

Don't consider this negative experience as failure.  I always see poor choices as not all in vain.  You've learned priceless yet harsh lessons in life.  What you gain is wisdom for today and your future.  This is your key takeaway so run with it.  

 

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, bajolas said:

I have a place of my own back at my parents hometown. What can one say in this situation to avoid into too much detail? 

Excellent. Enlist the help if your family and friends. Just tell him it's not working out, you're homesick, whatever.

[Rose Mosse]

33 minutes ago, bajolas said:

Besides the being in love with him I think I stayed because I wrongly thought he could change.

 

Oh boy. As long as you have accepted that this is not the case, you are on your way.

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, bajolas said:

He's more bark less bite, but still those aren't things I like to hear and to witness this hating rampage.

Besides still having feelings for him I think I'm with him for the same reasons I was in a previous 10 year relationship that should have ended way sooner: fearful of hurting the person and fear of the possibility of being alone and not finding someone.

I’m glad you’re honest with yourself.  Fear of being alone - you mean without a romantic partner ? That’s not “alone”.
 Now you are alone in this relationship.  You’re the only one in the relationship with strong core values that involve compassion and tolerance.  So bark and bite don’t matter because you two will face many decisions especially if you have children where you will be alone in your perspective.  That’s alone.  

imagine he blurts out his lovely comment about gay people to one of your friends.  Not knowing her brother or best friend or son just came out as gay.  For example.  Imagine him telling your  child his views on people of color. 
Fear is a lonely feeling too. I also was worried “what if there’s no one better out there ?” Had I stayed in my not quite right relationship I know for sure I wouldn’t be a married mom now - and because I waited so long it was quite risky.  Stop getting in your own way.