Does He care enough

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

I have had covid since the 21st I’ve been in and out of the emergency room 4 times for difficulty breathing and heart complications etc.. I am now on a heart monitor and I feel like I’m not getting the support I need from my BF of 3yrs who I live with . I will be struggling for breath in the bathroom to find he’s then just passed out like he doesn’t care and when his family asks him how’s life going the only thing he mentions about me is “she’s not feeling well” I’ll be home expressing fear of death and he won’t say one word . I don’t care if he’s not good with words he could at least hold my hand . And he has complained or just deny my request to simply go to the store for me .. idk I’ve never felt this way about a partner . I have severe endometriosis that puts me out 3 days a month and I guess I’m just so independent during that time I didn’t notice lack of support . As well I have started to realize when I bring up my feelings he will literally with ignore it like I mean not one word, or he will say I don’t know what you want me to say. 

[boltnrun]

I'm so sorry to hear you are sick with Covid.  I had Covid too, although not as severe a case as you have.

Is is possible your boyfriend is concerned he'll get sick too?  Is he vaccinated?

You cannot go to the store for yourself so that's the least he can do for you.

If this is how he is, you should decide if this is the person you want to be your partner for life.  If not, you can make the decision to move in with family or friends once you're healthy again.

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

Thankyou @Boltnrun I’m happy to hear you have recovered. I got covid caring for him while he was sick. So he has natural immunity. 
That’s kind of where I’m at we just seem so perfect for each other in so many other ways, he’s my best friend . But I fear down the road when I need that emotional and physical support , he may not provide what I need .  What really gets me is why isn’t he telling his family when they ask how things are going . How is he able to stay silent when I’m expressing fear 

[Rose Mosse]

I would not appreciate my partner telling anyone what I’m feeling or how I’m doing if I prefer to heal and not have the clamour of other opinions. It seems you are very much searching for someone to care about you because you’re starved of it in the relationship. I’m sorry as that’s a very lonely place to be, especially if you sense you’re not on the same page anymore and he doesn’t care about you. 

Don’t let your emotions grow out of proportion about what he says to family. Try figuring out if you can find the support you need from your own family and friends. Communicate your needs to your boyfriend but don’t be surprised that he’s no longer interested.

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I would not appreciate my partner telling anyone what I’m feeling or how I’m doing if I prefer to heal and not have the clamour of other opinions. It seems you are very much searching for someone to care about you because you’re starved of it in the relationship. I’m sorry as that’s a very lonely place to be, especially if you sense you’re not on the same page anymore and he doesn’t care about you. 

Don’t let your emotions grow out of proportion about what he says to family. Try figuring out if you can find the support you need from your own family and friends. Communicate your needs to your boyfriend but don’t be surprised that he’s no longer interested.

Thankyou for your input , so you wouldn’t want your partner to tell his family if you are in and out of the emergency room with heart complications with a deadly disease? 

[Rose Mosse]

2 minutes ago, NottryingtoBpretentious said:

Thankyou for your input , so you wouldn’t want your partner to tell his family if you are in and out of the emergency room with heart complications with a deadly disease? 

Personally, no. I’d rather heal and let the professionals do their work. I do mine by healing. What can his family do except offer “I’m sorry” or other sympathetic gestures like flowers or cards? Is that what you’re looking for? It’s rather useless to me.

What I’m suggesting is to take a look overall at the whole relationship and see whether this man is someone you want for the long run. What’s important is that you have your own support and family or friends you can turn to should you break up.

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Personally, no. I’d rather heal and let the professionals do their work. I do mine by healing. What can his family do except offer “I’m sorry” or other sympathetic gestures like flowers or cards? Is that what you’re looking for? It’s rather useless to me.

What I’m suggesting is to take a look overall at the whole relationship and see whether this man is someone you want for the long run. What’s important is that you have your own support and family or friends you can turn to should you break up.

Healing is only down to me and the medical help I receive. I totally agree ,I have my friends and family by my side . I just don’t how I feel about keeping my bfs serious medical issues secret. I’m not looking for pitty or cards , I’m chronically ill . I’ve gone down the road of feeling sorry for myself I’m past that . All I know for sure is if my family asked ME “how is life going ?” I would %100 tell them if my partner of years who I live with that they are having heart complications. 
 

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, NottryingtoBpretentious said:

Healing is only down to me and the medical help I receive. I totally agree ,I have my friends and family by my side . I just don’t how I feel about keeping my bfs serious medical issues secret. I’m not looking for pitty or cards , I’m chronically ill . I’ve gone down the road of feeling sorry for myself I’m past that . All I know for sure is if my family asked ME “how is life going ?” I would %100 tell them if my partner of years who I live with that they are having heart complications. 
 

And that is fine also. But that sort of statement leads to more questions and answers and more questions. It would support the idea that he has checked out of the relationship if he has explained to family in the past. This would be a change in the way he thinks or he’s tired perhaps of explaining any health issues that come up. He may be fatigued in general and not wanting to explain anything further. 

In your first post at the end he’s stopped communicating with you or arguing with you too. It’s exhausting to keep arguing over details like this in the face of heart complications. Why cause yourself more stress? If I were in your place I’d be devising a possible exit from the relationship and using that time to think about whether you’re happy any longer. Don’t waste your energy over this one detail. You need all your energy to recover. When you are back on your feet put your plans to action.

 

[Seraphim]

If your partner can’t support you in your worst moments what does that say for future moments ?

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

Thankyou I really appreciate your advice . 

[melancholy123]

Some men just stink when it comes to giving comfort and being supportive when their partner is sick and covid is another kettle of fish.  I think maybe he is worried that he will get sick too.  

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

3 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Some men just stink when it comes to giving comfort and being supportive when their partner is sick and covid is another kettle of fish.  I think maybe he is worried that he will get sick too.  

I hear this hahah that’s why I don’t want to make a mistake I don’t feel like anyone is perfect . But no he will still kiss me good bye , I actually got it from caring for him but he’s better now . I’m technically not supposed to be contagious anymore either . He has immunity for a bit . 
 

I feeling every other aspect is great I’ve never wanted to leave him . 
but this feeling of him not taking this serious feels really ***ty

[arjumand]

He already had Covid. And I don't buy these excuses where some men just don't know how to take care of their partners -- it is a copout, a way of letting men be selfish and shows a complete lack of character (akin to "boys will be boys.") When someone you love is in need, people who really care do something, they don't just act selfishly. That means if it makes them uncomfortable or worried, they work past that to do what is needed. If he isn't caring for you when you are sick then he isn't going to take care of you in future when there is a problem. Remember that when making decisions. 

 

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

No kidding 🤦🏼‍♀️ I agree , and definitely needed that reminder . ❤️

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

5 minutes ago, arjumand said:

He already had Covid. And I don't buy these excuses where some men just don't know how to take care of their partners -- it is a copout, a way of letting men be selfish and shows a complete lack of character (akin to "boys will be boys.") When someone you love is in need, people who really care do something, they don't just act selfishly. That means if it makes them uncomfortable or worried, they work past that to do what is needed. If he isn't caring for you when you are sick then he isn't going to take care of you in future when there is a problem. Remember that when making decisions. 

 

I totally I agree and Thankyou I needed that reminder . How do you feel on the topic of his family asking how his life is going and he doesn’t tell them I’m having heart complications?? All I know is if it were the other way around I would tell them if he was seriously struggling with his health. I’m not looking for pitty from them by any means I just feel all family deserves to know these things .  What do you think? 

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @arjumand.

In sickness and in health.

He ain't showing up for the sickness part. That's what your gut is telling you. Honour those feelings and trust them.

I'm sorry for your illness and wish you good recovery.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 minutes ago, NottryingtoBpretentious said:

How do you feel on the topic of his family asking how his life is going and he doesn’t tell them I’m having heart complications??

He could have been honest. Say "it's been difficult for US (not just you). She was diagnosed with a heart complication, but I won't go into details. We're trying our best to navigate this." Simple. He's an adult. He's a man. He should be able to communicate this. And, he should be able to bring you some kind of support. Not let you in that bed suffering. Why have him if you're better off alone?! 

[arjumand]

10 minutes ago, NottryingtoBpretentious said:

I totally I agree and Thankyou I needed that reminder . How do you feel on the topic of his family asking how his life is going and he doesn’t tell them I’m having heart complications?? All I know is if it were the other way around I would tell them if he was seriously struggling with his health. I’m not looking for pitty from them by any means I just feel all family deserves to know these things .  What do you think? 

I think it depends on the person. When I had cancer, I didn't really want to tell his family -- they don't like me much, I don't like them much -- but he wanted to tell his mother so he did and she didn't bother me, so it was fine. OTOH, he would want me to tell my family because he is more of a share everything with everybody sort of person. 

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

I hear you . Thankyou for your advice 

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

26 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He could have been honest. Say "it's been difficult for US (not just you). She was diagnosed with a heart complication, but I won't go into details. We're trying our best to navigate this." Simple. He's an adult. He's a man. He should be able to communicate this. And, he should be able to bring you some kind of support. Not let you in that bed suffering. Why have him if you're better off alone?! 

Thankyou so much for your advice 

[NottryingtoBpretentious]

1 minute ago, NottryingtoBpretentious said:

Thankyou so much for your advice 

I really appreciate another perspective 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening.

Unfortunately this has brought out some major incompatibilities and personality conflicts.

Can you move back to your family? 

It doesn't matter what he talks to his family about.. That has nothing to do with it.

The issue is his lack of concern, compassion and decency.

[boltnrun]

I would be less concerned with him not telling his family and more concerned that he doesn't seem to be supportive of you. You cared for him, got sick as a result, and he won't even run to the store for you? 

BTW, he can still get reinfected. His antibodies (and yours) only last a certain period of time. So it's still important to be careful. BUT, he can help by doing the food shopping and any chores you are unable to do. And also by being emotionally supportive.

[greendots]

Just throwing it out there, sometimes people distance themselves from pain, because seeing another being suffer hurts too much. I'm not justifying his lack of compassion and support.

Anyhow, whatever his reasons for acting like this, he's got the answers. Have you voiced your concerns with him? Everyone deals with difficult and uncomfortable situations differently. Your boyfriend is showing you how he copes with those.

Hope you recover soon!

 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, NottryingtoBpretentious said:

I got covid caring for him while he was sick.

Sounds as though he might be covering for feeling guilty about this.

You're the only one who knows the merits of this guy. We can only respond to the complaints you're writing about, and, yes, he comes off as horrible.

Personally, I'd put him on notice that I keep trying to reach for all of the good things I know about him, because right now, I'm at my wits end with his resistance to showing me that he cares. If he wants to step up and make this an easier time for me rather than a more difficult one, there's no time like the present.