Intense guilt about wanting to break up with seriously depressed long-distance partner

[ConfusedAndGuilty]

My girlfriend (33F) and I (33M) met several years ago when we were both PhD students at a British university. We both suffer from depression and anxiety. I am British and she is from the USA.

She was not able to complete her thesis in time due to her mental health issues, and so she had to break her study and return to the USA, since her visa only allows her to stay in the UK while she's officially studying at a university. This was a couple of years ago - since then we've had a long-distance relationship.

She was supposed to be completing her thesis, but she has made no progress at all. She says that this is because of her mental health issues. She is living with her parents, who think she completed her thesis and is just waiting for the pandemic to be over before returning to the UK to find a job based on her PhD. She believes that if she tells them the truth that they would flip out and disown her, but I don't know them and have no idea whether this is true - she has a tendency to catastrophise, but if she's right then her position is precarious. It's impossible to tell what's a real problem and what's in her imagination.

If she doesn't complete her thesis (and if she hasn't done it after years have gone by, why would that change?) the only way she can come back to the UK is if I give up the creative career I'm pursuing and get an office job instead in order to meet the marital visa income requirement. If I was still in love with her, that would seem like a good sacrifice, but I'm not in love with her any more: I no longer look forward to Skyping with her, instead I feel anxious, sad and tired. I don't want to marry her any more. She is not mean, selfish or toxic, she is kind and gentle, but she is also very self-destructive.

Her mental health is deteriorating and she has mentioned suicide. I think she spends most of her time ruminating on how terrible her life is, that she will always be in debt and has ruined her chance to live a good life. I have been trying to get her to find a therapist to help her with her issues but she doesn't seem to want to, and since I'm not there with her there is a limited amount that I can do to help her. If she was in a good place I would have broken up with her several months ago, but I've told myself that I should wait until she's stronger. I know that I'm doing this to spare myself as much as to spare her, and she's not getting any better, she's getting worse. I don't know if hitting some kind of rock bottom would help her to sort her life out or if she would just wilt and die.

I am very afraid of what might happen if I break up with her, particularly since she doesn't really have any friends aside from me. I am haunted by the possibility that she might end up completely alone in the world and kill herself as a result. But our relationship is now nothing but a sword of Damocles hanging over me. I have been trying to make myself and my life better, and feel like she's holding me back, like a drowning person inadvertantly pulling someone else down with them. And I feel incredibly guilty that I feel that way, because my life is just easier than hers. I could, if I chose, marry her and get that office job and try to nurse her back to emotional health. But I don't love her any more.

I feel afraid and confused every day, and it's impeding everying I do. I can't muster the discipline to work hard with this constant background of fear and guilt. I have tried to prepare myself to end the relationship, but I just become overwhelmed with anxiety and I don't do it. The thought of getting rid of her makes me intensely relieved and intensely guilty at the same time. It feels like I'm in the position of having to sacrifice her to save myself. I could just decide tomorrow to no longer be responsible for her, but I'm afraid that I would be crushed by the guilt.

I have no idea how to get out of this.

(Thank you for reading - I'm sorry this is so long, I feel like the details are important.)

[Fudgie]

3 minutes ago, ConfusedAndGuilty said:

And I feel incredibly guilty that I feel that way, because my life is just easier than hers. I could, if I chose, marry her and get that office job and try to nurse her back to emotional health. 

You're falling into the "fix-it" trap here. You say that you could marry her and nurse her back to health but the truth is that you can't. Completely ignore the fact that you don't want to (because you don't love her in that way anymore), the simple truth is that you can't.

This is a mental health problem and she clearly has the time, ability, and resources to make a real change in this regard if she chose to. She's living with her folks, doesn't sound like she's working, so she could go and get some help. If she's not working, then there is no income and she would qualify for Medicaid in the US and her healthcare would be free. As for her thesis, she could have had it done already! Many people go back many years later to complete a thesis and get their degree. It's not like she lost that opportunity, she just hasn't taken it. 

The thing about mental health is that the person must be motivated to make a change and stick with it. It sounds like she has the resources and ability but has chosen not to. No one, not you nor anyone else, can force her into wanting to change. That has to solely come from her. This is not something that you can "nurse" someone back to health for. It's not a broken leg and time doesn't heal all wounds, especially not of this kind. 

You have a responsibilty to be respectful to her but your responsibility to yourself comes first. It's not like you're wanting to leave just after she had a crisis; one could call you a bit cold in that instance. She had 2+ years to make some progress in bettering her life and she has done nothing in that regard, so she's failing both herself and you, because you two had long-term plans and with her stagnation, you'd be forced to be the sole income earner when that was not the plan before.

Please don't let her drag you down more. You are not her keeper and her health is her responsibility. What she chooses to do with her life, good or bad, is her choice and you cannot be faulted for any of that. 

I would pull the band-aid off and break up with her. If possible, tell her that in order to heal, you both need to not talk for a long while, if not forever, and then go no-contact on everything, blocking her. 

[abitbroken]

Now is the best time to break up with her because she is living with her parents, who love and can emotionally and financially support her.   Its not like she is living in a lonely apartment, isolated from the world. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, abitbroken said:

Now is the best time to break up with her because she is living with her parents, who love and can emotionally and financially support her.   Its not like she is living in a lonely apartment, isolated from the world. 

I was going to say the same thing. 

OP, she isn't totally alone. She is with them, and they are in a much better position to help her take care of herself - including after a break-up. 

If she does make any threats to hurt herself, do you have any way of altering her parents or a local friend? Do you have the contact information of anyone in her life there? You could also try to get in touch with emergency services in her area to perform a wellness check if she threatens suicide. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ConfusedAndGuilty said:

I have no idea how to get out of this.

Don't be held hostage by someone who is a liar. You don't owe her anything.

Right now you're stringing her along and that's not good. You need to end it.

With difficult manipulative people like her, sometimes the slow fade approach is best.

Be busy. Be boring. Be uninteresting. Do not talk as usual. 

Or just be honest and tell her it's not working out.

Stop playing therapist. She's lazy, she is living a lie to scam her parents.

Why can't she get a job and take care of herself? You don't need a PhD to get a paycheck and start being a responsible adult.

[LaHermes]

9 hours ago, Fudgie said:

I would pull the band-aid off and break up with her. If possible, tell her that in order to heal, you both need to not talk for a long while, if not forever, and then go no-contact on everything, blocking her. 

That's the best advice, OP. It is NOT your job to be a therapist, and she needs to be helped by a qualified mental health professional.   Aside from that you are not in charge of anyone else's life, whether they are mentally ill or not.   You have quite enough to do dealing with your own mental problems. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, ConfusedAndGuilty said:

I could just decide tomorrow to no longer be responsible for her

You aren't responsible for her now either, though. 

[Tinydance]

"But I don't love her any more." I think that without thinking about anything else, THIS is your answer. Being in a relationship should be voluntary and bring you happiness. You can't be in a relationship just because you feel sorry for someone. You should only be in a relationship if you WANT to.

Unless we deliberately torment someone, it is never our fault if someone chooses to commit suicide. My first boyfriend actually committed suicide and it was a choice he made. My ex fiance had severe mental health issues and kept talking about suicide but he was a drug addict, so I had no choice but to leave him. I just told myself that if he'd committed suicide, it wouldn't be my fault. We should all be free to leave a relationship if we're not happy. If that person doesn't have the mental strength to handle it, it's not our fault.

I understand that it's not your girlfriend's fault that she has mental illness but it's not your fault either. Yeah maybe it's unfair but because she's a woman in her 30's, it's her responsibility to get help for herself. She needs to get therapy and go on medication. If she doesn't want to help herself then there's not much you can really do. She also could make friends and even attend support groups and things like that.

I'm not really sure if what she told you about her parents is true. Really, they would disown their child just because she didn't complete a thesis? I think she probably feels ashamed of it and she's just too embarrassed to tell them. It's definitely not your responsibility to "save her" and go so far as to change your career for her. All that would be pointless anyway because you don't actually want to be with her.

When I broke up with my ex fiance, he talked about suicide so I called the Crisis and Assessment Team. They came and visited him at home and he was already a patient at a hospital from his previous stay in the psychiatric ward. I knew the professionals were looking after him so I felt at peace that I did my best to help him and it was out of my hands now. 

If you break up with her and she talks about suicide, I would recommend you Google a help line where she lives and you call them and tell them to call her. Or you call an ambulance to come. After that it's out of your hands because you're not even in the same country.

[smackie9]

Contact her parents and let them know she is being suicidal and needs help asap. It's up to her family to take care of the situation.

[Wiseman2]

Do not contact her family. They are there with her and taking care of her. She is manipulating you. If needs help her family, doctors, ER's suicide hotlines, etc are All available locally. Step away.

[DancingFool]

OP, I'll just echo what someone else said because it's worth repeating - you are not responsible for her as we speak.

Also, she is not lost and isolated in some foreign land. She is living with her family and is far from alone. Care is available to her but she chooses not to go. Support is available to her and think about it rationally - her parents are supporting her and letting her live with them for 2 years and going even though she is perfectly capable of getting a job. They are not the monsters she makes them out to be. In the US, it's not common for adult kids to live with mom and dad and be supported like that.

Also, if she lied to her family about getting her degree, this is not so much her depression as it is her ego. She can't admit that she failed something or needs to go back to complete it later. Instead, she is pretending, lying to people, and hoping to get away with it instead of dealing with her life and getting a job or actually doing something concrete about finishing her thesis. This has nothing to do with depression and a lot to do with major character flaws in her. 

On that note, by hanging around, you are actually enabling her self destructive behavior. As long as she thinks that she'll just move in with you and live off you, she can continue to play drama games and keep lying to people, including you. You are actually stopping her from getting a grip on herself and doing what she needs to do to get on with her life.

Btw, vague threats that she might kill herself is emotional blackmail and manipulation to keep you on the hook and feeling responsible even though you are not. There is literally nothing that you can do for her from abroad and even if you were near her, still all you could do is call for an ambulance if you know where she is.

I would tell her honestly that this is not working out and then block her from all contact. Don't keep reaching out to check up on her or try to stay friends in any way. This is both for your and her well being. Make a completely clean break and be done. Let her family and doctors deal with her issues because that's what she really needs - professional help. Quasi-dating you long distance is allowing her to avoid that.

 

[Rose Mosse]

You have to come to terms that she won't get better and your relationship is not improving. She can't seem to help herself so how can she ever help you or start a future with you or a family with you if that's what you're looking for long term? Nursing someone back to health is too convoluted and protracted an idea for someone in your position. You're only dating and she needs assistance from doctors and professionals close to her, not a vague long distance relationship that requires more work than it offers support. 

Make up your mind for yourself and leave that guilt behind. She is with family. You need to refocus back on your own life and start living.