Ex-girlfriend moved on extremely fast

[lachrymoose]

After breaking up with my ex-girlfriend of nearly 4 years, she got a boyfriend 4 weeks later. They worked together and, based on her posts, he was in love with her before and she loved him back after a few weeks of dating. Now it’s 10 months after the breakup and she says they’re moving in together and planning engagement.

I’m having a very hard time getting over how fast she moved on. At first I thought it was a rebound, but I’m increasingly believing it’s the real deal. I know she loved me very strongly and that I was her first love, but I feel so easily replaced. I want her to be happy, but thinking about her makes me miserable now. I obviously try my best not to think about it, but it’s difficult sometimes. Any thoughts on the situation or insight to help me through this?

[Kwothe28]

The real question is why after 10 months you arent anywhere near close to acceptance? Even if he is a rebound, real deal, even if she cheated on you with him duriong relationship, you should be on your own journey by now. I know its not easy but you need to move on and focus on yourself. I skimmed through previous thread so i assume its the same girl. From what you said, she was no prize to begin with. So, I suggest to focus on that. And that you are much better without her and that you will find somebody better. Dont play her games, dont hear from her and look at her posts or whatever, block and try to heal and move on.

[boltnrun]

Instead of putting your focus on what she's doing, how about focusing on what you're doing? If what you're doing is "not much" or "checking her social media", well, time to put a stop to that and start living.

[SooSad33]

sorry for your pains :/... yeah it hurts.

It may be a rebound... i do agree happened quite fast.

BUT is her choice to act out as she is.  you have no control over any of it.

Not sure she really 'loved' him when they first got involved.. more like lust.  Love develops over time.

Did she cheat w/ him? ( emotionally, maybe).

In time, truth will show. On whether it is a rebound.

Anyways, I doubt you'll want her back now... too much hurt.

so, is time to work on accepting & healing.  And getting your own life going again.... one day at a time.

 

[lachrymoose]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

The real question is why after 10 months you arent anywhere near close to acceptance?

 Dont play her games, dont hear from her and look at her posts or whatever, block and try to heal and move on.

I'm not sure why I haven't accepted it. I think it's because of the timeline. It really blindsided me because she was so devoted and caring. She definitely didn't cheat. I emotionally cheated, which she found out a few weeks after the breakup.

You think she is playing games? It's hard for me to tell because I'm so close to it. You're right that I should move on and block her. I found out she re-blocked me a few weeks ago so I guess that makes it a little easier for me.

[lachrymoose]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Not sure she really 'loved' him when they first got involved.. more like lust.  Love develops over time.

Did she cheat w/ him? ( emotionally, maybe).

I don't think it was lust. Not to be superficial but he is not very attractive. If anything it started out as co-dependence or a desire for affection (I wasn't a very affectionate bf). She definitely didn't cheat. I emotionally cheated in the last couple months, which she found out about a few weeks after the breakup.

Thanks for your consolation and input.

[Rose Mosse]

If you emotionally cheated during the relationship, she may feel like there's no love lost between the both of you. What else did you offer her except confusion and pain? It's easy for her to move on. You should too. 

Also, why is she telling you these things? Distance yourself and mute/delete her contact.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, lachrymoose said:

You think she is playing games?

I don't think so. I think she has actually moved on and is happy with him. 

The timeline is suspicious, without question. She might not have cheated on you, but I can nearly guarantee they started getting close before you two broke up. Why did you break up, anyway? It couldn't have been your emotional cheating because you said she didn't find out about that until afterward, so what was it?

And yes, I agree with the others that you need to cut her off. There is no point keeping in touch with her to hear all about her love life. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, lachrymoose said:

You think she is playing games?

Meant about "hope you are as happy as I am" and all from previous thread. Even if you are happy, you dont really shub it to other person nose like that after break up. I dont mean as "she wants you back" games. 

5 hours ago, lachrymoose said:

I found out she re-blocked me a few weeks ago so I guess that makes it a little easier for me.

Good. Move away. Again, 10 months is a lot, you should be at least close to acceptance and moving on and you are nowhere close to it.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, lachrymoose said:

. I emotionally cheated, which she found out a few weeks after the breakup.

It doesn't seem like games,it seems like she's moving on. It also seems like she checked out of your relationship for a while before it was over.

Is this the same woman?:

 

[mical]

To be honest, this is actually pretty common.

I think women tend to move on more quickly than guys, maybe just to try and block the pain from the breakup.

I would just focus on yourself and finding someone better.

[lachrymoose]

13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think so. I think she has actually moved on and is happy with him. 

The timeline is suspicious, without question. She might not have cheated on you, but I can nearly guarantee they started getting close before you two broke up. Why did you break up, anyway? It couldn't have been your emotional cheating because you said she didn't find out about that until afterward, so what was it?

Like I said, I'm sure she didn't cheat or get close to him during our relationship. They were coworkers for about 2 years but she never talked about him (though she mentioned other male coworkers). He professed his love for her within the first few weeks of dating so I think that's what sped up their relationship.

I broke up with her due to some emotional issues I was undergoing that caused me to check out of the relationship. Out of curiosity, what makes you believe she's moved on and happy?

[lachrymoose]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem like games,it seems like she's moving on. It also seems like she checked out of your relationship for a while before it was over.

Is this the same woman?

 

Yes, it's the same one. Though I don't believe she checked out of the relationship, as a week after the breakup she was sending texts saying I blindsided her and that it was crushing because to her it seemed to come out of nowhere.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, lachrymoose said:

what makes you believe she's moved on and happy?

Essentially because I don't believe this: 

7 hours ago, lachrymoose said:

she didn't cheat or get close to him during our relationship.

Of course she didn't speak about him if they were getting closer, OP. I don't mean to be harsh but it would be rather naive to think they went from platonic friends to a relationship within 4 weeks. 

You were emotionally cheating, after all. You have to understand that if you were capable of it and she didn't know until after the fact, well, the same could very well be true for her. And really, if you were doing so and had checked out of the relationship, I don't think you genuinely wanted to be with her anymore, either. You don't like that she has moved on and doesn't want to be with you any longer, but I don't believe that in your heart of hearts that you really wanted this relationship anymore yourself. 

[lachrymoose]

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Essentially because I don't believe this: 

Of course she didn't speak about him if they were getting closer, OP. I don't mean to be harsh but it would be rather naive to think they went from platonic friends to a relationship within 4 weeks. 

I know her very well. I know she wouldn't do that. Like I mentioned, he was "in love" with her when they were just coworkers so he must have come on very strong in the beginning. That's all I can point to for the short timeframe.

You may still not believe me but can you pretend I'm right for just a second? If that were the case and she wasn't getting closer to him while we were together, would you still think she's moved on and happy?

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, lachrymoose said:

would you still think she's moved on and happy?

Yes. 

She sounds content and is moving forward with him, and about to make a serious commitment. This is a woman who has found happiness and how good it feels when her interest is reciprocated. 

If you were checked out, I guarantee this new relationship feels like a breath of fresh air, I'm sorry to say. 

EDIT: I just had a look at your previous thread about her. You've been wondering about her new boyfriend since April. It's September now. Nothing has changed. She has moved on, and you need to, too. 

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry that she moved on so fast and that sucks. I think sometimes that happens if the person had already  "checked out" of the relationship for a while. So maybe in her mind she was a lot more moved on than you thought. It's also possible that it started out as a rebound but the more they spent time together, the more she realised it was "the real deal". 

I know it really hurts and I don't mean to sound cliche, but you'll find someone else. At the time it hurts and feels like you'll never love anyone again, but you will. I think the best thing for you to do now is to block her on social media. Don't look at anything she's doing and have no trace of her in your life.

[Buzz86]

On 8/31/2021 at 12:39 AM, lachrymoose said:

After breaking up with my ex-girlfriend of nearly 4 years, she got a boyfriend 4 weeks later. They worked together and, based on her posts, he was in love with her before and she loved him back after a few weeks of dating. Now it’s 10 months after the breakup and she says they’re moving in together and planning engagement.

I’m having a very hard time getting over how fast she moved on. At first I thought it was a rebound, but I’m increasingly believing it’s the real deal. I know she loved me very strongly and that I was her first love, but I feel so easily replaced. I want her to be happy, but thinking about her makes me miserable now. I obviously try my best not to think about it, but it’s difficult sometimes. Any thoughts on the situation or insight to help me through this?

The thing is that girls, do look for independent boys (in any aspects). You seem to be overly attached and this is not something good to have. a scenario like this is happening right now for you:

 

the relationship is over.

you : I still want you

the girl: doesn't care and moves on

the girl: doesn't care and moves on and on (either looking for a new boyfriend or not)

still you: I still want you

the girl: seemingly got a new boyfriend

still you: I still want you

you would have found several other girls to initiate a relationship but yet...?!

this is not being independent. you were/are somehow playing the nice boy role to get the girl back (I suppose you have done the same thing that led to a breakup, because that's not acceptable for girls)

[lachrymoose]

12 hours ago, Buzz86 said:

The thing is that girls, do look for independent boys (in any aspects). You seem to be overly attached and this is not something good to have.

Thank you for the feedback. You're right that I'm overly attached now, but I was pretty detached during the relationship. I was the independent one and she was pretty dependent. I think the thing that's bothering me is that the first guy who showed interest in her after 4 years with me (less that a month after the breakup) is now the "love of her life". It makes me feel extremely replaceable, which causes cognitive dissonance because I know I am not.

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, lachrymoose said:

It makes me feel extremely replaceable, which causes cognitive dissonance because I know I am not.

While that makes sense, how do you think she felt when she found out that you were emotionally cheating on her? 

What was the backstory there? 

[lachrymoose]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

While that makes sense, how do you think she felt when she found out that you were emotionally cheating on her? 

What was the backstory there? 

I can only imagine how she felt. I know she was crushed from the breakup and even more when she found out I was talking someone else. 3 weeks after I left she had clearly gone to my Spotify account and seen I had made a playlist for another girl (an old coworker who re-connected with me) a few months prior. My ex sent me an angry text saying I cheated and betrayed her and that I will never hurt her again. I denied I had cheated but she didn't respond. She started dating her coworker within the week, which hurt me more than I'd like to admit.

The next I had heard from her was a few months later when she texted on our would-be anniversary saying she was fondly thinking of our time together. I wrote her an expressive apology letter a month or so after that taking responsibility for everything I had done wrong.

[DancingFool]

So you didn't value her, treated her like dirt, took her for granted, cheated on her, and dumped her.....and you are surprised that she moved on? In your mind she should be sitting around pining for your greatness? Which part? The cheating part? The taking her for granted part? The being a sleazy low life part? Which part of you she should be missing?

Your sense of entitlement is mind boggling.

 

 

[boltnrun]

Yeah, my ex cheated on me and then dumped me yet he whines about how I must not have ever really loved him because I'm not pining away over him for the rest of my life.

The time to realize you love someone and want to be with them is during the relationship, not after you destroyed it.

Lesson learned for your next relationship. Which, it's beyond time for you to move forward with your life. There are literally thousands of single ladies out there.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lachrymoose said:

3 weeks after I left she had clearly gone to my Spotify account and seen I had made a playlist for another girl (an old coworker who re-connected with me) a few months prior. My ex sent me an angry text saying I cheated and betrayed her and that I will never hurt her again.

Ok unfortunately this indicates a disconnect and that trouble was brewing for a while.

 Breakups suck, but some are for the best when the acute distress tones down.

It doesn't matter she if jumped into a rebound or not. The two of you were fading.

[lachrymoose]

52 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Your sense of entitlement is mind boggling.

I'm aware that I'm the bad guy in this situation. I've since apologized to her and expressed my deepest regret. I've also sought counseling for the issues I'm undergoing. I knew she would move on, but it happened practically overnight and way faster than I could. I've learned a lot from the wrong decisions I made and know I will never repeat them, but it doesn't make my feelings any less real.