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Everything posted by Buzz86

  1. Yeah, you're right, I can relate to that. It's kind of difficult for me thinking back to those horrible moments, I mean they were all feeling good with me, smiling, their need being satisfied, but I guess they have never and ever heard about the reciprocation thing in relationships. It feels like a zombie eats part of your body gradually lol and you should try to heal your own injuries. Yeah, I just made some friends from the US and around the world, just realized that I should get over these memories as they were not intentional with their mistakes, just happens (How we grew up in comparison to how they did) It sounds easy to say, but actually, it's painful but I will try my best to overcome this. Thanks for hearing me out.
  2. Yeah right, been thinking about this actually. To be honest I've been planning things out and everything looks fine EXCEPT the mental pain that I'm going through now. I'm having constant flashbacks from the previous relationships and how cruel they were to me, BUT yet, I can't criticize them for their actions, you know, I mean they're having hardships and my criticism could make anything worse, but in the meanwhile, I hardly can forgive them. How to let go of these thoughts? For the loneliness part I have found the solution; just befriending people around the world instead of relying on relationships here.
  3. You know, perfectionism. I'm a perfectionist, it's insanely difficult to form good relationships or dating here. (The bad part: Most of the women here are misandrists and most men are misogynists, hence it comes about failures.) It has become a dream for me to have quality relationships (not even talking about sex! It's a religious country and sex is prohibited! They (The opp gender) expect me to put a lot of effort into the relationship, regularly contacting them and they refuse to say love you or have sex because it's I think a cultural thingy, I mean they don't trust in men and so they just don't go deeper in relationships, just prefer keeping the distance. Of course, at the beginning of the relationships, they act like they are open-minded and different and approachable, but after some time, they just "unmask" their reality that they are the common denominator; not different from the other women here. (It's not their problem I understand that.They just follow the rules, they can't do other than that either) Clarification: I won't be leaving anywhere earlier than 3 years from now. I afraid to be alone.
  4. Not practical in Iran. I've tried many times but failed. Relationships really won't work here in Iran. It's not my failure either. The reason I mentioned "the last of them was with a married woman" was simply that I was disappointed by the opposite gender of the same age and the same marital status. I was given a piece of advice to stop making any new friendships or getting into relationships and I just tried to stick to that but it makes me feel worse, I know actually, you were trying to say but it simply won't work here. Listen, I'll be leaving this country in the future (but not as close as you might have expected; 3.5 years from now!), the whole past relationships (except one) were all total failures that left me emotionally distressed. This poses a question, so how to satisfy my needs? And what is the best possible decision? (Maybe reading my last topic may give you some idea how things are going now)
  5. The title is self-explanatory, I have had a few unrequited love affairs and I'm feeling like a nihilist right now, overwhelmed with frustration and now I question the roots of this frustration; thoughts like everything around me is useless and has no definite meaning and so on. I had around four times this feeling of unrequited love sequentially, and the last of them was with a married woman. How to forget fast? I'm good at forgetting unrelated stuff though this one seems a bit tricky and need your help.
  6. Yeah, after months, I now understood what you were trying to say. Unfortunately a bit late with some pain. I have become friends with a girl in the university and she barely starts a conversation, barely message or calls me, barely opens up about her feelings, barely can depend on her promises... I was going to prepare a gift for valentine's day and now I'm really disappointed saying does she really love me? or I'm just her "classmate"? I'm mostly open about my ideas, how I feel, what are my concerns, and ... she tells me this every time: Do not worry, count on me. But again the same goes forever. I always start things first like always. quite disappointed. this has happened every single time with my past friendships. I honestly give up. not gonna try again "here" (like how you suggested), instead I'm gonna put that energy into my study, how can I do that alone? I mean how can I survive alone for some time? (I'm really stunned, looks like relationships/friendships do not work well here I do not know why ( you could search about relationships issues in Iran, that's skyrocketing), of course, I had an awesome friendship with a girl that I had known her for about 2 years, she was kind and knew what I liked the most: "Reciprocation" we had been getting along well and I felt awesome for a while BUT since it was a distant friendship I couldn't continue that way because we most likely wouldn't be able to pursue a common track. Worse than anything else, I had a horrible experience with a narcissistic personality too (unfortunately a female, she must have been through a lot. I was overwhelmed with anxiety and frustration since then.) I'm sure everything will be sorted out once I get to another university where I have the chance to meet the like-minded people (that's a tier 1 uni, its faculty and students are exceptional and kind, I guess that will make a huge difference) But the question is how do I continue being alone? that's a difficult situation.
  7. Well, a quick update, let's see how far I've progressed: 1. Is done. 2.Just thinking about this... I realized I should change the way I communicate. 3. Is done. 4. Is done. 5.The new source is : Me , I should get used to that. 6. This required me to put a lot of effort to stop thinking about it, but it isn't completely done yet, struggling now. I think all what I need is time. 7. Is done. 8. I should focus on my research for now, I really don't have the time for that right now, so I will keep this option for considering it later. I'm doing good actually, I'm concentrating on my research and also a nanotechnology competition everything is fine and I'm feeling quite happy and energetic.
  8. Yeahhhh thanks , I feel a lot better, can't even describe it Well, the reason I asked such question is idk by my dumbness or whatever , just feeling bad when I think of her (my classmate). You know? it was 2 AM midnight and I was feeling terrible (again caused by another relationship with one of my classmates(which is her friend as well(my ex-friend's friend) and my ex-friend that I talked about in the last post, helped me to overcome the relationship angst giving me hope BUT the relationship itself wasn't at all worth it and since I broke up with her friend, that affected our relationshi-t as well. I feel bad because of some good memories with her but I helped her as well with her future plans. I WON'T but I afraid they will. My ex-friend emailed me talking in an intimate manner(But not in reality;an unwanted emotional attachment, that's why I called it a "game" and wanted to leave that game). it was about about 2 days ago and suddenly negativity took me all over the place again for a few hours. Anyway I just want to move along and work on my own goals without any distractions.
  9. Well,an update : This emoji might show my current mood better(from the moment I asked for your advice to right here commenting) : I feel beyond ecstatic. Full of hope and sanity. After leaving a few things temporarily, I feel overpowered, living my dream life I always wanted. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post a song here but : https://soundcloud.com/losectrlmusic/jay-reeve-the-nearest-star walk alone and work out and study at midnight. Now I've got a few very cool ideas, I'm working on them. Something is ridiculously intriguing and that is some of my negative attitudes have been disappeared. It's like finding a ray of hope in reaching my own personal goals and as I said before, I suspect if my nihilism thoughts are coming from the disappointment caused by my surroundings. Anyway, I feel good. BUT here I come to a point that I need your help/advice and that's about my classmates. Some of my classmates including myself, are part of a WhatsApp group and one of them is my ex-friend and I feel terrible thinking about a few things related to that person. I also don't feel any good seeing one of my classmates there, he didn't send any messages/call me when we were in contact. So, I wonder if I should leave the group and try to focus on myself? I've got a lot of new things to think and do. What happens if I do so? Well, considering the old friendships with 2 of them. I afraid to think how it might feel like if we see each other again by any chance? How I should behave? ONE of them is a girl(my last relationshi-t)
  10. Yeah couldn't agree more. As for the number 1, I will keep trying but it won't be my priority for now (contrary to how it was before this). Grise Fiord! I'm not really sure if I should tell my main very personal goal here but that's it. I really love the cold, quietness but didn't expect to be cold inside me. I should mainly think about new emotional energy source, for me, I think my brain has the capability to trigger myself, it hasn't need to be a pet or idk somebody to depend on to overcome the nihilism attitude. Maybe a mental friend that is always there and is my favorite person and also is a nihilist like me so can understand me better? Not too bad, I should some day accept this fact that as a nihilist, I won't be able to do some things that others can do properly, so that's the starting point although I accept that sounds terrible but again wonderful, my brain is my best friend, always with me.
  11. TBH I never thought of that females can be a support to get out of nihilism, but I just intrinsically realized that they have capability of having intense feelings that makes you drive forward and can help with my nihilism as well but yeah, you are right, and the fact that I'm not emotionally independent is something I should work on it. I'm into nihilism and nihilism means nothing, no emotions and the only way to move forward is finding a source of emotions but other than humans. Maybe tat was why Nikola Tesla was a lover of pigeon while he was some sort of atheist? So, I should find a new source of emotional energy. What I learnt so far in this forum are: 1.Temporarily forget about a few things. 2. Learn interpersonal skills (Which I already have?! But again, I will try that.) 3. Do not obsess myself with some sort of thoughts. 4.Stop ruminating. 5.Finding new source of emotional energy. 6.Do not play games. 7.Stop generalizations"(Believe it or not that's what I learnt from my past relationships in this country, I never was like this, that's why I afraid of making friends here. You can see people judge with generalizations everywhere like this: Men are bad, women are bad,etc... quite terrible and I don't want to get into those things again. I personally have never thought of generalizing things that broadly but the people around me made me to think about that by the way they speak of hatred and ...) 8.Make friends with the same gender. Yeap that's all. I found that people I was in contact with, were expecting me to be positive as the first day they saw me, there is nothing wrong with them being unsupportive.It's me. Thanks LaHermes,Hollyj and DancingFool. I know most of my current thoughts are not the real ones I would have, they are an answer to my surroundings; a reaction to the situation around me and when I get into another culture, it will be alright itself. It took me 3 years so find out why nihilism and many other whys, and the answer lies in my current surrounding where nobody has a hope for a favorite change to be made, it's lack of hope and the reason why I found myself in the pure nothing(nihilism) is that nihilism is like a haven I can temporarily escape into and be safe from the negativity all surrounding myself. I'm sure one day it's gonna be alright.
  12. Yeah I got your point. I think I should press the "reset button" once for a while. For me making connections is fairly easy but I'm so strict with the question who, as last question, how would it be if I postpone any attempt to make friends until when I enter another country? I afraid if I make another mistake I won't be able to focus on important things that affects my future. I have already stepped in but didn't get the outcome I was expecting.
  13. Well, they are muslim but not the radical ones, I can talk my own ideas and beliefs and we have the freedom in my family and siblings and my sister is supportive (luckily). I have talked with her about all the problems I have wrote in this forum and she told me : "You know how the situation is, so try to do your best and get an admission, we will help." and about the relationships my sister said : "Why don't you think of having friends? It's something crucial. but again after thinking about what you say, I do agree with you that you are making the best decision to stay away from these people. Just keep on trying" The problem is I myself need the validation (not from the online ones but in person validation) and need something to move me forward and the emotions do this for me but the source of emotions is women and DancingFool told me to forget about women. So how am I gonna deal with it? I need that caring to get out of nihilism and find something meaningful, at least for the sake of my future.Nihilism for me is something like lack of intense emotions. I quite recently procrastinate a lot because of this problem and wanted to have relationships with the OPP sex in hopes of finding an appropriate meaning since they could help me in that way. So question is how I can find a way to overcome nihilism without the help of women? Sorry, it has already been a long topic, but bear with me, I want to find a solution for a few things and get everything sorted out. EDIT: You are right, that's the initial steps in relationships, once they know the "exact me" and how I'm into it, they just fade away. Wait! Can be this the reason why the partners fade away after the initial steps in relationships? I mean at first I look like positive, they laugh, they smile, they enjoy, but the more go in depth to know me, the more the try to fade away because of my nihilistic approach, because it is dark, void, meaningless, unsupportive, lack of intense emotions and .... Yeah this has to be the case why my relationships don't go well (other than the reasons having roots in society around me)
  14. Nah, I'm quite positive person and the friends I had were calling me fun, charming,supportive and enjoyful to be around but I quite lost hope in this country and its people. I have had manyyy friends from many countries BUT I personally I dislike this country's culture and specifically itself. The problems in my relationships started when I had my relationships here failed. Toxic relationships.This is not just me. I had a psychologist friend and she told me it is not me, the clinic she was working at was full of people having relationships problems way more than what it could be called "normal". Again, smiling at you doesn't mean it's all going good. I'm not going to judge and take as whole but people mostly here are ostentatious and showy. They smile but it doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling kind of great.
  15. Thanks, yeah , exactly it is. I will take your advice and take a screenshot of it and just think, because it is a relief and I'm always obsessed whether it is me something going wrong or it is them? I'm not talking about fully isolating, but I tried to fill my time with valuable connections like my professors and a handful of friends(and about these friends, didn't went good cause again, we were not on the same wavelength, but kept my connection with my professors, my professors are my best friends but as you know you can't have intimacy with the professors right? But anyway somehow satisfactory) I did my best to never bear a grudge because of my failures in relationships here but again the lack of confidence and validation and worse than that the nihilism thingy made it complicated and too difficult for me. I wanted to have the compassion I needed from the OPP sex but cannot deal with the current situation. I think you know what I mean, I'm into nihilism as well and need the compassion and the mental caring but it is all neglected for now. Just a question here, so what and how should I think about the women in here? I always counted them as my best friends and supportive but as I move along , I find it contrary to what I was thinking. How to deal with it
  16. Yes, Iranian people are one of the kindest people to the foreign people NOT to the people from their country's. Yes, believe it or not, I've seen people here where I live, smiling to the foreigners and insulting to the people from their own country(Happened countless times). That's why I was ashamed of even mentioning the country's name. Since very few people can move abroad, it has become a dream, so talking to foreigners is like making a dream come true, and since Iranians are jailed inside their country, they put a lot of effort into welcoming foreigners. Yeah you are partially right but not fully, there are lots of things going underneath but not visible from outside of the country, but again not visible to the eyes doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I feel I'm living in battlefield 5 and people here they do as well. I personally wanted to take your assumption as an advice or something to think about to reform my way of thinking but after talking to many psychologists here, I made sure it is not me, it is what happening everywhere in here, and that's not my personal approach. I think I went way too off-topic. So as final question, what would you do if you were me (while considering I'm living in such place with such difficulties) ? I feel alone , isolated, but again I have my own goals that none of them include staying here and blending in this society.(I guess you would not want me to play games would you?)
  17. Well, I don't know! Knowing why was the reason I fell into PTSD for 2 years! It's like Battlefield5 lol. The reason for such things is like "Living in a jungle and nobody sees you, you should try to survive, first stay alive and then IF you could, then you can move on to relationships and other priorities. That's what I found out in 2 years of obsessive thinking about whys. And that's the main reason why marriages here do not look the real ones because of the economical pressures,"first it is me;my needs, then yours spouse!" and that's the source of everything. I hope you got an answer for your curiosity
  18. Well, Iran The problem is I have never accustomed to things people do here, my friends were mostly online from another countries, since I know how this country is, I tried to invest less energy finding real friends here where I live. So I'm not quite familiar with the way they play games and I SHOULDN'T know either because I don't want to spend my time playing those games and especially with females, I found their emotions to be more valuable than playing games and the fact that they WILL anyway play games to attract, so I had to quit the game 5 years prior and focus on my studying in hopes of getting an admission, so I will be able to make connections with people thinking like me, with less cultural gaps. I was isolated for 5 years but continued my online friendships, "BUT after a terrible dating(my first dating in where I live) , I lost confidence for a while and became too obsessed about the reciprocation thing that affected all my online friendships that I made over years and eventually I become alone. THIS is why I started this topic, believe or not I tried many times but it was all failure because of the mental pressures and society barriers for the females here(they are living a tough life) So my question was if I should stop making friendships out of internet and see in person here where I live? That will be a failure again and will affect my confidence, but I feel lonely. Just take this into consideration that the economic crisis here has made people behave like zombies, because the very basic needs are not satisfied and that is affecting relationships as well. So that has become a game and I'm reluctant if I ever should enter this game?
  19. That's what I wanted to know. I ask myself why I should play such games, THEY ACTUALLY PLAY, 101% sure. The reason again lies in the culture and the society itself... Well, one of the sanctioned countries... No, I was talking about after dating, even marriage itself. There is NO mutual understanding, boys and girls from the first years of school study in separation, in different schools up to the last years of high school. And university is the first year the two genders come into connection, so I think it shouldn't be that surprising.(Even of the same genders male-male , female-female) So what would you do If you were me? I afraid if I continue relationships I give up on love and the things I found most valuable . This was my question about the relationship with the opp sex.
  20. Just forget about the strategy one, it's a cultural thingy. Just to let you know, people here, specifically females, use strategies/tricks to attract males and after that, they invest a lot lower energy into relationships and that's why I asked if I should use strategies or not.I know that seems quite weird, but here it's going to be part of culture I guess that both males and females show less affection compared before relationships including marriage.That's why the divorce rate is skyrocketing. Friendships between the two sex is not common and often is a failure, because there is no mutual understanding from the either gender. So I think you've got the gist of my problem about the relationships with females but it's not my only question, I have explained everything above. From strategy I mean showing the same interest as they do, meaning way less texting and calling than what currently is. Let me tell you something you won't believe. Here where I live, females are like this: If you show affection and love, they fade away, but if you don't show any interest, they will follow you. I myself am shocked seeing this with my own eyes but that's the fact. Now I got here to ask if I should do such thing??!!(Doing things that make them follow me) or just stop relationships and just continue studying(Well that is definitely a difficult one, working my way toward getting an admission for MA to study abroad). And the other question is about relationshlts with persons that never start the discussion and or send messages/ call. What should I do? Again the question about strategies comes to my mind whether I should show as much affection as they do?
  21. Hi,new to this forum. Sry it's a long text I know. When I use to have friends (Either female or male) at the first stages, we are equally interested in the discussion, maybe they are more interested than me, but after a while this is just me sending messages, they won t start a conversation until I start. I text more than them and don t use strategy in my relationships but I feel they (especially females) do. I m an over thinker, I use strategic thinking all the day but never wanted to use them in relationships because I found relationships somewhere to get out of my "logic zone" and I say it to myself if I should use strategies in relationships too, so why shouldn t I continue being alone? Right now, I m in a relationship with one of my classmates which is a female(university) and she replies late, 1-2 days later and the problem is she never texts me until I do. Should I choose the split option now? And what about other friendships(Not sure if it is a "friendship" ???!!!) I m having right now which are exactly like my relationship with the one I described above? I'm 23, I have had girlfriends older than me(29-30 y.o) and they were a lot more interested in talking with me than my classmates. Well my appearance isn't that bad to cause me to be ignored, I'm also a valedictorian in my university and I'm not talking with proud about it but I felt my classmates(females) were curious about me, but again it happens everytime, I go into relationship and I rage quit the way I described above. IDK what's wrong with me or them? The energy distribution is like 95 % I give and 5 % I receive! 😕 it happens all the time. If it even matters, I don't live in the US. My question aside from seeking for help on this , is : What should I do with my relationshlts* I'm having right now. I have online friends but they won't text me until I send a message, and I feel my energy and commitment is not being reciprocated.
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