What have I done?

[TONI20]

I am 45 and my partner is 52. We were together 3 years. We had bumps but overall it was a very good relationship. Deep friendship and perfectly matched sexually. Both professionals so we mostly spent weekends together and made phone calls during the week. Once a day or so. 

We spent lots of times among his lovely friends ( mostly couples). A week ago, we were at the BBQ at his friend. Suddenly became cold so we all went inside and we all started to watch something on TV. I was uncomfortable on my chair and did not see well so I asked my partner to swap seats with me, at least for a bit. He refused and laughed off that he was ok. About an hour later, I asked again and he refused again. His friends laughed. I was not. Someone else offered his seat but I politely declined.

At home, I mentioned I was upset with him. I also said that knowing him, he would offer his seats to everyone but refused to give me when asked. He got very upset. He said I was being princess and he will not be doing what he was told. He also said I embarrassed him a front of his friends. He told me " f...you" He said that twice.

it was midnight so I went to bed and left his house in the morning. He saw me leaving. We both did not say a word. I was shocked to hear these words.

I have not heard from him for a week. This has never happened before. We had disagreements but a day or two and he apologised or me...we never left it for more than 3 days. 

I was gutted. He called after a week and sounded still angry. He said he did not expect me to leave his house without a word. He also wanted to see if I will get in touch first. He seemed surprised I expected apology but he did eventually apologised. I also did, for my part. We argued some more and he asked me what do I want. I said I want end it. He dropped the phone on me. I emailed to explain that he disappeared for a week and cant expect we will be fine.

He sent me text to arrange collection of my stuff. He said he accepted my decision.

I have a seconds thoughts now. I do love him but I did not want to let him get away with swearing and leaving me for a week. I am heartbroken.

What to do now? 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, TONI20 said:

He said I was being princess and he will not be doing what he was told.  He told me " f...you" He said that twice. 

I said I want end it. He sent me text to arrange collection of my stuff.

Sorry this happened. It's doubtful this was the first or only time he was verbally abusive or "angry".

It seems like there are quite frequent arguments or "bumps" and silent treatments for "a day or two".

He's abusive and you know this. Perhaps he gets drunk and angry too much?

You dodged a bullet. Collect your things then block and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Discuss this with trusted friends and family. 

[TONI20]

Thank you. He does not drink. 

No, it is not so bad. This time is bad as it did follow with a week of silence.

I feel regrets not a relief. Perhaps I could handle this differently and give us a chance but it seems he quickly accepted the break up.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, TONI20 said:

it seems he quickly accepted the break up.

Sadly that tells you along with his profanity that you are as disposable as trash. Yes, you should feel relief and do tell friends and family the truth about how he treats you.

[gamon]

Aim higher.

[Lambert]

For what it's worth... he really acted poorly and put it all on you to fix it. 

The "f you" part is completely unacceptable, as is the silent treatment, and the waiting to see how long you would take to contact him. 

What is he? 10?

Those are not acts of love. Now he's being prideful and putting all this on you. 

It's a hard pill to swallow, as this was probably not what you expected from this guy.

I would really do some soul searching... do you regret it, in a sens you're going to stroke his ego to get him back? Or is it more grief that this man is not that great? what you thought he was didn't really exist? And it's sad to end any relationship? 

At 52, this is who he is... mean and disrespectful. Once the respect is gone, what is there? 

If I were you, I would accept this is the end. Find a better guy that doesn't say f you and other hurtful things.  Someone that knows how to communicate.

As for the initial problem.... I don't know if I would expect my partner to sit in an uncomfortable chair. His response wasn't the good either but...  You're an adult if the spot was unacceptable or if the host isn't interested in making all guests comfortable than I'd go home early. 

This was an unfortunate experience but it identified a huge crack in your relationship. 

I'm sorry.... keep going.  you deserve better. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, his actions were disrespectful. 😕 .. Like what does he expect?

You ask something of him, he brushes you off, twice... then goes at you later how YOU embarassed him?

To later, swear at you because he's ticked off.. Then yeah, you leave because you are hurt -- what does he expect?

He does not deserve you with behaviour like that.. like you are just supposed to take the insults.. and he goes on silent mode. ( for a week).

Then, yes, be done with it.  Respect yourself, let him sit in his filth.

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

My husband would give me the shirt off of his back to me and our kids, not because he's a gentleman, but because we are his top priority.  You dodged a bullet.  He sucks.  He could have asked his friends if they had another chair he could use.  Simple.  As a host, I would have been embarrassed I didn't have enough chairs, so you are comfortable.  And if he was a gentleman, he'd be getting a blanket, and sitting on the floor with you. You deserve so much more and a bag of chips.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

My husband would give me the shirt off of his back to me and our kids, not because he's a gentleman, but because we are his top priority.  You dodged a bullet.  He sucks.  He could have asked his friends if they had another chair he could use.  Simple.  As a host, I would have been embarrassed I didn't have enough chairs, so you are comfortable.  And if he was a gentleman, he'd be getting a blanket, and sitting on the floor with you. You deserve so much more and a bag of chips.

I agree and I think he was looking for an excuse to end things.  I'm sorry.

[TONI20]

I feel like I was too harsh when I said I don't want to be with him any more. I said that in a very unpleasant tone as I was still upset. I was upset he told me to f...off and that he waited a week to get in touch. I was even more upset when I realised he did not feel he owns me an apology.

I feel a great pain and a regret.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, TONI20 said:

 I said I don't want to be with him any more. I said that in a very unpleasant tone as I was still upset. I was upset he told me to f...off and that he waited a week to get in touch. I was even more upset when I realised he did not feel he owns me an apology.

I feel a great pain and a regret.

This is a power struggle. The chair thing. The fyou thing. The demanding an apology thing and the I want to break up thing.

Relax and reflect. You're quite incompatible and ending it is long overdue.

When you get some peace and quiet for reflection, you'll see that you are chronically testing him and he chronically calls your bluff.

What you have is two large egos in a pissing contest. 

More importantly ask yourself why you tolerate him. Ask yourself why you accept dismissive behaviors.

Ask yourself why apologies are more important than being treated with respect on a consistent basis.

Verbally abusive people do not apologize. He tossed you like trash many times, not just this time.

[TONI20]

Thank you Wiseman but he really was not all that bad. 

The issue in this relationship was that I was more giving than him. He saw giving as a giving up his power. Any small requests like a massage I did for him with a smile but he was always very quick to say no because if tired or busy or wrong timing. I asked him why he is so quick with his "no" to me. 

 the chair was the straw.

He is very articulate, educated and the most intelligent man I ever met but has a short temper. He treated me with a respect but when I pushed his buttons, he did "bite". He apologised before.

This time he did not.

I miss him and not sure what can I do 

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, TONI20 said:

He saw giving as a giving up his power. Any small requests like a massage I did for him with a smile but he was always very quick to say no because if tired or busy or wrong timing. I asked him why he is so quick with his "no" to me. 

Was he alone for a longer time before you or just a selfish person in general? Because people who got used to relly on themselves a lot often develop a thread where they become "self sustained" to the point where they only think about themselves and not about the other person so it creates a problem when it comes to a relationship. It would mean that they would have to sometimes do even something they dont want for the other side and that doesnt bode well with them who are conditined to take care about themselves only. Same in your case, you wanted something that was his and he hasnt been able to share and give up. Get away from those kind of men in future. Those kind is not for relationship because they cant adapt to that. Too much selfishness there.

[Lambert]

52 minutes ago, TONI20 said:

Thank you Wiseman but he really was not all that bad. 

The issue in this relationship was that I was more giving than him. He saw giving as a giving up his power. Any small requests like a massage I did for him with a smile but he was always very quick to say no because if tired or busy or wrong timing. I asked him why he is so quick with his "no" to me. 

 the chair was the straw.

He is very articulate, educated and the most intelligent man I ever met but has a short temper. He treated me with a respect but when I pushed his buttons, he did "bite". He apologised before.

This time he did not.

I miss him and not sure what can I do 

None of these qualities show or speak to being a good partner. I'm sorry you're beating yourself up over this.  I find that pretty common among the abused and people pleasers. 

You were doing your part and now you're blaming yourself for having your own needs. 

Ask yourself, why is it ok for him to say no to you. to be harsh to you, but you're not allowed to stand up for yourself. 

Seems lopsided, from what you've written. 

You keep saying you are not sure what to do.  What do you want to do?  Are you willing to forego all your own hurt feelings in order to be with him? 

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, TONI20 said:

He is very articulate, educated and the most intelligent man I ever met but has a short temper. He treated me with a respect but when I pushed his buttons, he did "bite". He apologised before.

This time he did not.

I miss him and not sure what can I do 

Try not to delude yourself OP.  There is nothing here to "miss".  His short temper, as you put it, is his problem. 

 

26 minutes ago, Lambert said:

The issue in this relationship was that I was more giving than him. He saw giving as a giving up his power.

So he sees "giving" as giving up his "power" (whatever he means by that!).  He sounds rather unstable.  Being intelligent and articulate is quite meaningless if the individual is lacking in EQ and is, in fact, emotionally absent.

You must also look at why you were giving more than him (or for that matter giving more in any relationship).  A healthy relationship is one of give and take.

 

I agree with Wiseman. 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask yourself why you accept dismissive behaviors.

Ask yourself why apologies are more important than being treated with respect on a consistent basis.

Verbally abusive people do not apologize. He tossed you like trash many times, not just this time.

Maybe next time find someone who is not God Almighty in his own mind, and who is kind and respectful. 

[TONI20]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Was he alone for a longer time before you or just a selfish person in general? Because people who got used to relly on themselves a lot often develop a thread where they become "self sustained" to the point where they only think about themselves and not about the other person so it creates a problem when it comes to a relationship. It would mean that they would have to sometimes do even something they dont want for the other side and that doesnt bode well with them who are conditined to take care about themselves only. Same in your case, you wanted something that was his and he hasnt been able to share and give up. Get away from those kind of men in future. Those kind is not for relationship because they cant adapt to that. Too much selfishness there.

Thank you for your response. No, he was in a relationship for 15 years. We started 3 years after his break up. I think lots of people took advantage of his kindness and wanted a piece of his stuff, money etc. He was sharing if he offered but he did not like when someone (me) asked for something. It had to come from him. He was generous but it had to be his initiative. This was about material and non material stuff. 

I never asked for any material stuff. I am independent. 

[DancingFool]

6 hours ago, TONI20 said:

The issue in this relationship was that I was more giving than him. He saw giving as a giving up his power. Any small requests like a massage I did for him with a smile but he was always very quick to say no because if tired or busy or wrong timing. I asked him why he is so quick with his "no" to me. 

Please stop spackling over the fact that this man is extremely selfish and self centered. Your "relationship" only worked because you were busy catering to his temper and were too willing to put up with garbage treatment with a smile plastered on your face even though he wasn't reciprocating or being good to you in any real sense of the word.

Intelligent, articulate, successful, we had good conversations, or I liked his friends does not a relationship make.

Your reaction to dump him was absolutely spot on. That was your instinct stepping in to save you. Please please do not go back on that. His "f you" was just tip of the iceberg.

OP, you seem to have a poor grasp on what a healthy partner and a healthy relationship looks like. The reason I say that is because you are way too comfortable catering to raging selfishness. A man who tells you that giving in a relationship is giving up power should be your clue to run for the hills screaming. Yet somehow....you either ignored it or it didn't register for you as a severe problem that should be avoided at all costs. If I were you, I'd spend some serious time exploring why not before you venture into dating again. You are too prone to catering to a holes and putting up with abusive behaviors and normalizing them.

Btw, you have given good advice to posters on other threads....sooo....maybe start applying that to yourself? You know what's right and wrong, so apply it to yourself too.

 

[Jibralta]

On 8/27/2021 at 6:46 AM, TONI20 said:

Thank you Wiseman but he really was not all that bad. 

Yes he was. A 52 year old man should be mature enough not to 'bite' when he is triggered. He should have accumulated enough emotional intelligence to be able discuss his issues rather than tell you to eff off and give you the silent treatment.

On 8/27/2021 at 6:46 AM, TONI20 said:

when I pushed his buttons, he did "bite"

Perhaps this was the best relationship that you have had so far, but it can't have been a good relationship. You can't possibly have a good relationship with an immature, dismissive person who clings to power. 

You really did a great thing for yourself by leaving.