Friends or Not?

[mbc230]

Hello. It has been a while since I posted and well just about 5 months ago I lost my supposed friend who claimed I was one of three friends he could count on, but after what happened I think the guy is not who he turned out to be. We were friends for about 10 years and was a integral part of my life. For the past six years his daughter would call my wife my mother and well this happened every time my wife would see her (She would only see them 2 to 3 times a year at most). My wife would blow it off as I would and I would even correct her that it is not correct and that she is my wife. Well finally my wife got to a point where she was so upset that I decided to talk to my friend about it and point it out what was happening. He then points it back at me as to why I did not confront her and I mentioned to him that I did correct her numerous times, but I am also not her parent so I bringing it up to him as a concern and he flies off the handle and yells at me and I let him know I am not the parent and it is not my job to parent her as it could come off the wrong way so I feel it is better to bring it up to him as her parent. He makes excuses by saying that it is not a big deal it is not like she called my wife or me a bad name etc and then he goes and calls my wife sensitive and that made me upset even more to hang up on him. I was mentioning it to him in hopes he would just talk to her about it, but he then claims I said to him that he had to hit her and yell at her and I never once said to do that. I mean to me it is form of discipline as you are trying to guide your child to what is right and what is wrong, but he just flew off the handle and there was no rationalizing with him at all. I did apologize to him if I came off the wrong way, but not once did I get an apology from him or for that matter. He made the decision that the friendship was over, but I honestly did not think it was really a friendship at this point, but I just want to make sure that I was not off base or doing the wrong thing based upon what I stated above. To me I guess he was never a friend to me. Thank you. 

[SooSad33]

Wow.. talk about over doing it 😕 .

Curious as to why he reacted like that... but, I agree, he blew up for no good reason.

And I see your point & why you said something.. because from your end, you felt that needed to stop!  Of course.

It was causing an effect. So, you said something.

** Hey, when the friends come over, his kid SHOULD come in & say  "hi Mary" (eg) ... that's all** 

AND, if you have said something to her numerous times? 😕 ... and she did not stop it?  Hmmm.........

Yup- your wife is not that child's mother.. is all.

 

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, mbc230 said:

For the past six years his daughter would call my wife my mother and well this happened every time my wife would see her (She would only see them 2 to 3 times a year at most). My wife would blow it off as I would and I would even correct her that it is not correct and that she is my wife. Well finally my wife got to a point where she was so upset that I decided to talk to my friend about it and point it out what was happening.

Can you clarify whether the child is mistaking your wife for her mother or your mother? That could be a large difference in age. Why is your wife so bothered by this in the first place - what a mountain of a molehill for a grown woman. The child is obviously missing a mother figure of sorts so why make this about the three of you? 

Just leave this and let the dust settle for awhile. I think it's a much ado over nothing. Be willing to let this be water under the bridge if you both reconnect again. 

[mbc230]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Wow.. talk about over doing it 😕 .

Curious as to why he reacted like that... but, I agree, he blew up for no good reason.

And I see your point & why you said something.. because from your end, you felt that needed to stop!  Of course.

It was causing an effect. So, you said something.

** Hey, when the friends come over, his kid SHOULD come in & say  "hi Mary" (eg) ... that's all** 

AND, if you have said something to her numerous times? 😕 ... and she did not stop it?  Hmmm.........

Yup- your wife is not that child's mother.. is all.

 

I am trying to figure this out as well and I do not understand why he reacted this way. I think it shows what kind of a person he really was.

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Can you clarify whether the child is mistaking your wife for her mother or your mother? That could be a large difference in age. Why is your wife so bothered by this in the first place - what a mountain of a molehill for a grown woman. The child is obviously missing a mother figure of sorts so why make this about the three of you? 

Just leave this and let the dust settle for awhile. I think it's a much ado over nothing. Be willing to let this be water under the bridge if you both reconnect again. 

To clarify the child keeps calling my wife my mother. My wife has every right to be bothered by it as it has gone on for so long as I feel it is about time to address it and whether it is petty or not it needed to stop as I feel it is right for a child to keep saying that especially to an adult. My wife nor am I the parent so we went to the father to address it and the child does have a mother, but he feels it is ok for a child to behave that way instead of just saying no problem I will talk to her about it. You are right it is a mountain out of a molehill, but it is the fact how he reacted and how he handled it. I was taken aback by his response. I thought he was a better person then that. I do not think we will reconnect ever. I just wanted to get outside take on it to make sure I am not off base. Thank you for your input.

[Rose Mosse]

Thanks for clarifying. Yelling at you was not necessary so whatever is going on in that house is already dysfunctional. I feel sorry for the child in this, not you adults. Unfortunately she has to live between poor parenting and volatile emotions. I'm sure your wife will be fine. She's not the victim in all this. I'm sorry you lost a friend. Better to leave it this way. 

Your expectations of how your friend should have handled his daughter is a comment on his parenting so that could have been overbearing to him and pushed him over the edge. He shouldn't have lost his temper with you. 

[mbc230]

21 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Thanks for clarifying. Yelling at you was not necessary so whatever is going on in that house is already dysfunctional. I feel sorry for the child in this, not you adults. Unfortunately she has to live between poor parenting and volatile emotions. I'm sure your wife will be fine. She's not the victim in all this. I'm sorry you lost a friend. Better to leave it this way. 

Your expectations of how your friend should have handled his daughter is a comment on his parenting so that could have been overbearing to him and pushed him over the edge. He shouldn't have lost his temper with you. 

You are welcome, but I do not feel there is a victim here, but more of bad parenting like you stated and it is the parents who need to guide her correctly instead of throwing it back on us adults (My wife and I). We are just trying to be nice about it and point out something that could become worse or maybe not, but I feel our concern is a valid one. Thank you for your input. 

[DancingFool]

Yes, you did the right thing by approaching him about it. As you said, you are not the parent and it's not your place to address his daughter about it. 

His reaction is rather wild and completely off. Sounds like tip of the iceberg of major issues. That said, you'd be surprised how many parents will get enraged at the mere suggestion that their kid is less than perfect. It is not healthy, but happens too often. Sadly so.

Anyway, friendships are voluntary and you are right to sever this one. You and him just aren't seeing eye to eye on important things in life. No reason to put yourself in a situation where you and your wife will be disrespected like that. Consider that the apple never falls far from the tree and kids usually mirror the inner workings of their parents and household.

[Cherylyn]

Trying to be nice often times ends up being taken advantage of and there is a lack of common sense enforced healthy boundaries. 

Your friendship was not a real friendship.  A real friend and their offspring behaves properly for a sound friendship.  Anything out of the ordinary or abnormal is alarming and wasn't meant to endure. 

Your saving grace was that he decided to end the friendship which was best for all parties so you and your family can live and carry on in peace.

Always use your intuition and gut instincts.  Avoid weird people because it's your way of protecting you and your family from mental (and sometimes physical) harm or danger.  Associate with normal people because you'll have a more secure and safer life. 

[tattoobunnie]

How old is this kid?  Sometimes my dad, brother, and I will call people different names in a row.  Kids have so much data going through their brain, it's super easy to get mixed up.  

I think you're wife is wayyyyy over dramatic about it.  And not sure why she'd be in a giant tizzy over it.  If the kid was never once corrected by her or you, how would she know who she is.  The fact that your wife is losing her sh*t over it indicates that maybe she's bothered by her appearance or something else - her way of deflecting. I mean think about it.  This has been going on for six years, but only know she's telling you how offended she is???

I mean, my kids are 9 and 5, and they still only realizing their grandparents are my parents, even when I point it out often; hence why they are kids; it's hard to conceptualize what adults can.  And why doesn't you or your wife joke back, and call them something else to be funny? They will catch on quick.  

[mbc230]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

How old is this kid?  Sometimes my dad, brother, and I will call people different names in a row.  Kids have so much data going through their brain, it's super easy to get mixed up.  

I think you're wife is wayyyyy over dramatic about it.  And not sure why she'd be in a giant tizzy over it.  If the kid was never once corrected by her or you, how would she know who she is.  The fact that your wife is losing her sh*t over it indicates that maybe she's bothered by her appearance or something else - her way of deflecting. I mean think about it.  This has been going on for six years, but only know she's telling you how offended she is???

I mean, my kids are 9 and 5, and they still only realizing their grandparents are my parents, even when I point it out often; hence why they are kids; it's hard to conceptualize what adults can.  And why doesn't you or your wife joke back, and call them something else to be funny? They will catch on quick.  

The child is six years old and again that is your opinion regarding my wife's reaction. I feel she had every right to be upset about it as that is why I addressed it. If someone keeps poking you in the back repeatedly are you going to keep allowing them to do it over several years or are you going to address it? I am sorry, but I do not joke around with six year old kids as they are at that stage in life where they are learning and they pick up the littlest things so it is better that I bring it to the parents attention instead of allowing it to become something bigger later in life. My former friend chose to point it back at me instead of just saying no problem I will talk to her about it to try and guide her. I can joke with adults, but not with little children. There is a time and place for it, but this was not one of those types of scenarios while I think it was funny the first couple times, but 4-5 years of it gets to be a little much.

Your kids are still learning so that is a good thing that they are realizing it and I understand most kids learn differently, but you are the parent so you are trying to teach them and guide them. My former friend chose to point it back at me as I do not tolerate the way he handled the whole situation with me. It was blown out proportion and not handled well on his part. All I can is control the way I react and I felt I was very adult about it. He is the parent I am not bottom line. 

[catfeeder]

On 6/16/2021 at 9:49 AM, mbc230 said:

(She would only see them 2 to 3 times a year at most).

All of this over a 6 year old's mistake 2 or 3 times a year?

Well, it looks like you fixed the problem and won't need to see the kid again.

[tattoobunnie]

The kid is 6? Yeah, I can see you and your wife don't know anything about little kids.  If you ever have your own one day, you will eat the words you said about this.

[mbc230]

On 6/17/2021 at 10:09 PM, catfeeder said:

All of this over a 6 year old's mistake 2 or 3 times a year?

Well, it looks like you fixed the problem and won't need to see the kid again.

Well I said the same thing. I thought it was petty, but maybe there is something else that happened that he will not tell me that ended it and just using this as the reason. I was fine with trying to repair it and be friends. I fixed the problem? Is that supposed to be sarcastic? Not following you.

[catfeeder]

11 minutes ago, mbc230 said:

Well I said the same thing. I thought it was petty, but maybe there is something else that happened that he will not tell me that ended it and just using this as the reason. I was fine with trying to repair it and be friends. I fixed the problem? Is that supposed to be sarcastic? Not following you.

I mean, if whatever this child said was such a big deal that you couldn't tolerate hearing it twice a year, then you've solved the problem--you won't need to hear it again.

[mbc230]

Just now, catfeeder said:

I mean, if whatever this child said was such a big deal that you couldn't tolerate hearing it twice a year, then you've solved the problem--you won't need to hear it again.

You are correct, because we tried correcting her and no matter what we did. It did not work. This whole post was about the way it was handled not about how to parent. Thank you for pointing out the obvious though. 

[MissCanuck]

Your wife over-reacted. 

Your friend over-reacted.

Your defensive, condescending and rude replies to posters here suggest you're part of the problem too.

The poor kid. 

 

[mbc230]

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Your wife over-reacted. 

Your friend over-reacted.

Your defensive, condescending and rude replies to posters here suggest you're part of the problem too.

The poor kid. 

 

I am being rude??? I just got told I would not be a good parent......How would you react if you someone wants to be rude and said something acting like they know you? All the replies minus hers and now yours have been really mature and positive. I will defend myself if someone wants to be condescending and rude back. Constructive criticism is so much nicer then just plain old well you would eat you words as you have no idea how to be a parent. Did you even read the whole post? Thanks again Captain Obvious. I know we were both the problem, but the way he handled it was completely wrong. Most normal or logical people would have been like no problem I will talk to her about it. End of story, but instead I get replies such as I will be a terrible parent or I am the problem. So maybe you two should look at yourselves and maybe look at where the OP is coming from. This is the reason why I do not post hardly at all on this forum, because of Keyboard Commandos like yourself who feel the need to be rude. I feel I was right in what I said to her and now you when you both know nothing about my wife and for that matter neither do you. I am defending my position can you? If you do not have anything positive to say mind your business. Grow up!

[Rose Mosse]

Your friend isn't a pleasant man anyway so expecting him to be cheery and agreeable is like asking a penguin to fly like an eagle. It's not going to happen unfortunately. Best you can do is take care of yourself and your wife, your own family and distance yourself from this family if you find their ways strange or dismissive (not a good friend overall). 

[mbc230]

4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Your friend isn't a pleasant man anyway so expecting him to be cheery and agreeable is like asking a penguin to fly like an eagle. It's not going to happen unfortunately. Best you can do is take care of yourself and your wife, your own family and distance yourself from this family if you find their ways strange or dismissive (not a good friend overall). 

You are completely and absolutely correct. I posted this as to make sure my mind was clear and that I wanted others positive feedback to validate my feelings and I feel good about it now. Thank you for yours.

[Tanzi]

What a load of ridiculous and unnecessary drama over a young child’s mix up!

I’m pretty sure it could have been dealt with better by all of you. 

Y’all need to get a grip! 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Blue68 said:

What a load of ridiculous and unnecessary drama over a young child’s mix up!

I’m pretty sure it could have been dealt with better by all of you. 

Y’all need to get a grip! 

Yep. When speaking with the child, most people likely refer to the man's wife as 'your mother' and so the term 'wife' is a less familiar term to this child.

So a child viewing the adult female of a household as 'the mother' makes sense to her. It's not an insult, it's kid logic. Getting offended by that is ridiculous.

[tattoobunnie]

On 6/19/2021 at 11:28 AM, mbc230 said:

Constructive criticism

Kids don't understand constructive criticism.  Adults who can't see how they are wrong doesn't make them right.  Think of this way, you and your wife are having a meltdown over a six year old calling someone their mom.  It's like shaking a baby for crying.  I can only imagine how you respond to "yo mama" jokes.