please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

I'm sorry I really chewed into you last night. I just get frustrated because I can see you driving J away, when you should be able to control your actions and there is no reason why you can't.

 

Aside from that, if J decides never to take you back, you are no further along in the healing process than you were on day 1. Don't you want to feel better? Aren't you sick of every waking thought being about someone who left you and hasn't come back?

 

I really do have your best interests at heart here Gradle. Everyone on the forum has given you consistant advice, and J himself has been crystal clear about what it's going to take for you to have another chance with him.

 

Can you see what you need to do?

 

And, more importantly, can you DO what you need to do, for you?

[PlayBrat]

Hi all...haven't posted in a few days, been busy.

Just wanted to basically echo what Hope is saying here to you Gradle...

She is 100% right, and has said pretty much everything I would have.

You have posted here for what? Over a month right? You really are still

at square one ..at least emotionally. You haven't done NC...well actually you have...but on J's terms.

I think it's time to get down to brass tacts...and go complete NC. You need to SHOW him with your ACTIONS that you CAN be without him. He needs to believe he is going to lose you. Right now he could care less because he KNOWS you are there!!! How do you feel right NOW thinking you'll lose him??? Like crap right??? Well, maybe HE needs to feel that way about YOU!!!. If he calls don't answer!!! Drop off his radar!

Heck even if you do it for 2 weeks, I bet it will get his attention! You have GOT to do something different, because what you've been doing is not working. If you do complete NC for a few weeks...what ELSE do you have to lose? Really??? cOME ON gRADLE...WE know you are stronger than this!!!

[gradle]

Hi hope

No I'm not angry with you for your tough response…I am just not in the mood to deal with it now…I'm having a really tough time, and I know I'm messing up, I do, but I don't need people yelling at me, I just need support.

I mean, like I can count down the days till j and I are going to be in separate cities accross the country, and that creates this awful uncontrollable pain and panic in me. And regardless of what j is saying, we still haven't worked on hanging out more, so every day that goes by is a day that we're missing this opportunity. We already know that we'll be apart for a long time, so it doesn't make sense to me to spend this time apart now.

And this girl's not helping me at all. You guys are great, but you aren't there to hug me or take me out…and I had expected this girl to at least provide some of that. Now I don't even really want to be around her.

So you're going to be even angrier with me.

and i know i'm going to get hell for this...so i tried sleeping and i woke up in the middle of the night, around 2:30 and called him again, and he had just gotten home from the bar, I guess he didn't know i called before, which could be true, b/c sometimes when i used to call and not leave a message, you can't tell that I called on his phone....and it was going ok, and then i asked if i could meet his new friends and he says he just feels uncomfortable introducing me to them (which I understand right now b/c of the way I've behaved around him), about taking his ex girlfriend out with them...

and i was like, well you said we were going to work on us, we don't have that much time left in boston, how do you even know we're even going to see each other again, and he's like, i'm confident we are....

and i was pissed, if he's so confident that we're going to see each other and work things out, then why is he acting like this now, why can't we slowly work on us like he said?.... and so we made plans to hang out on saturday, and maybe i can meet these new friends, and i'm just so upset and angry...i feel replaced with these people, these people he's not even going to talk to in a year...why can't i hang out with them to? When did he prioritize them over me?

and i don't know what to do...he says i'm looking at everything in such a short term manner, but we're leaving each other in a matter of weeks...

so you see, I know I'm screwing up, I see that…

I just need your support, I don't think I can take any more criticism

[annie24]

Oh honey - I really wish I were there to give you a hug! Seriously, if I lived in your city, I would take you out on a fun night on the town. I know, it's so hard, because you two have a history and were close at one point. But.... it's one of the things that goes along with being an ex. You drop down on the list of priorities. You have to accept that.

 

When he broke up with you, he was basically saying, "I don't want to work on us anymore." So, if you want him back, you have to play by his rules, and that includes chilling out. Right now, J's mind is focused on the move, and he's looking forward to the things he will do and the people he will meet in CA. Right now is a BAD BAD BAD time to bring up "working on the relationship."

 

Remember Avman's cat analogy? If you hold the cat tight, it will get angry, and will take 5x longer to come back to you, than if you just let him go when he asked for it in the first place.

 

he says i'm looking at everything in such a short term manner, but we're leaving each other in a matter of weeks...

 

You are looking at everything in a short-term manner. What is your long-term goal? To get J back forever, not for 1 or 2 weeks! It's hard, but you have to give him his space now, so that he will miss you and perhaps will want to get back with you at one point. If you keep at him now, he will just need to get away.

 

I'm sure that you two will see each other again. It may not be until christmas break, or until he moves back from CA, but if you're interested in long-term results, you have to not push him right now.

[avman]

I know you really want to resolve things before the move and everything, but I think you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that this simply isn't going to happen. I think annie24 is right and that your ex is focusing on the move right now. As unpleasant as this sounds, the relationship status is merely a distraction.

 

Holding on tighter isn't going to work. He wants his space. So he just doesn't want to spend the time together that you do. It sucks, but thats what "space" means. It may not make sense to you, but thats really what he wants.

 

Please remember, the only way to save this situation is to let it go. The tighter you grab, the more he will slip through your fingers. If he gets his space and can breathe, then he may focus on the relationship. It is not a guarantee, but it's the best shot you've got right now.

 

Hang in there.

[gradle]

i know you're right.

i know as soon as he thinkst hat i'm ok with us being apart he'll probably come back.i know what's wrong with me?

i have to chill out. i can't talk to that girl anymroe if she's going to want to to talk about j, i know i'll just be sucked into it. and i know i won't learn anything new. and even worse, i'll get emotional thinking that this girl isn't really a friend, or i'll be too busy trying to convince her that i'm ok and i don't want to do that. and then i'll just panic again. i dont want to cut her off b/c i always thought she was one of the few genuinely nice people i met here, but i feel like she's just not good for me.

you're right annie...it's just, i'm literally counting days...

[PlayBrat]

Gradle...

 

We have been here for you for 5-6 weeks. You ask advice, on what to do, etc..you can't expect us to give you advice and then just totally disregard it, then expect "hugs" and support. I can't speak for everyone, but it's exasperating to see you SO close to where you want to be...and then for you do something that counteracts your progress.

It sounds to me as if J is stringing you along in MY opinion. he knows he's going to be leaving soon...and if you reacted the way you did before

he is probably afraid to tell you it's REALLY over..because who knows HOW you'll react then? To me it sounds as if J is biding his time, and giving you just enough to keep you off his case about getting back together.

What you want to do with that advice is up to you...you are the one who has to live with it.

[avman]

Yep gradle, you've just got to tell that voice inside you to simmer down. I know you feel panicked, but thats exactly what he doesn't want to see. So if you chill, relax, let him go, etc then he'll have the time he needs to reconsider things.

[DN]

Gradle; these words apply to women as well as men and to you in particular:

 

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

 

--Rudyard Kipling

[gradle]

thank you dn, i will print that poem and stick it on my desk, my home, my car, heck, even my forehead

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

I am going to make a sincere effort not to chew you up or yell at you anymore. I hope you will accept my apologies for being so harsh with you.

 

I want you to know I was where you are, and I drove him away. It ended up being for the best in the end, because I met someone far better than my ex whom I love with all my heart, and I would never go back now.

 

As Playbrat said, it is hard to give support and hugs when you ask for advice, and not just myself, but pretty much everyone on the forum gives similar advice, and you ignore it, things don't go your way, and you still want support.

 

I know Boston is a tough city for you, you don't really feel like you have close physical friends there, and we your internet buddies can only take you so far.

 

For that reason I am so happy for you that you will soon be among close friends who can hug you and take you out for a night on the town and convince you that you are worth so much more than J has been giving you lately.

 

Avman and Annie are right, I second what they both say to you. I'm still here for you, even though I've been tough I will try sincerely to be more understanding of where you are coming from, I hope you will understand where I've been coming from too.

 

I genuinely care about how this turns out for you, I feel invested in your success because I've been cheering for you and yelling at you all along since you PM'd me in the very beginning.

 

You know I don't have magic formula for getting your ex back, and maybe that's why we don't PM anymore, you don't like what I have to say... but please know I've had your best interests at heart.

[arwen]

i know you're right.

i know as soon as he thinkst hat i'm ok with us being apart he'll probably come back.i know what's wrong with me?

 

Why is it so important to behave as IF you are cool with things, in order to make him come back? This guy has left you, YOU are the one your thoughts should be focussed on.

 

i have to chill out. i can't talk to that girl anymroe if she's going to want to to talk about j, i know i'll just be sucked into it. and i know i won't learn anything new. and even worse, i'll get emotional thinking that this girl isn't really a friend, or i'll be too busy trying to convince her that i'm ok and i don't want to do that. and then i'll just panic again. i dont want to cut her off b/c i always thought she was one of the few genuinely nice people i met here, but i feel like she's just not good for me.

 

Very good insight, girl. You don't need to cut her off, things needn't be so black-and-white. Just put her on hold for a while, I'd suggest.

 

you're right annie...it's just, i'm literally counting days...

 

Counting days? I think you really need to distance yourself from everyone that will remind you of him so badly. Maybe it will help you to start a new 'thing' in your life. Something that does not remind you of him, something you do just for yourself. I will always suggest joining a sportsclub, because I find my relief from the world and the emotional rollercoasters life will repeatedly put me through in swimming or running. I know, it's taking the initiative to get up and DO something that will take energy-- but what you get in return is so worth the trouble!

 

The end of a relationship can feel like the end of your life. In fact a part of your life is ended, but a new part is also starting. I am sure you will grow so strong from this, girl. You will look back and think "I managed to survive, and I know myself better than I did before now".

 

I know what we are telling you contradicts every single impulse inside of you-- it takes time. Don't blame yourself for taking time to heal-- but focus the healing on YOU and not on getting HIM back. That is not the purpose of healing.

 

Ilse.

[annie24]

Hey Gradle - how's your weekend going?

[Hope75]

Yes,

 

Weren't you going to see J last night?

 

How did it go?

[Jai]

Gradle Hun I have been through what you are goin through and trust me hun you do really need to step back and give him sometime to breath and think about things .. dont talk to him ignore him I know its gonna be hard I've had to do it and it crushed me to death ...... My guy and I have been separated for 4 months now and we built a house together that I never got to move into he has a young girl that moved in with him into our house and that alone killed me, but I stopped talking to him and I had a male Friend and only a friend I started to hang out with alot and that helped to get me away from thinking about J and the fact that he had a new gf 3 weeks after we separated. But guess what hun? hes calling me and apologising to me and telling me he wishes he could have me back and wants this girl out of the house but isnt sure how to do it and I know that she will be gone in a week or so and he is kicking himself in the butt for spliting us up when we were so good together ...... sometimes men need to walk away from relationships to see what they might be missing but the reality is they end up missing what they had in the first place. Now hun you have to step back and let him realise what it is he had which was you..... I know its hard but you have to find yourself something to do to keep yourself busy and your mind off him. I've had to do it for 4 months now and its finally paying off cause J has now realised that he needs me in his life (which is his words not mine) hes not happy without me..... and you(Gradle) need to let your man have the time and space to see the same thing.

My sisters now fiance did the same thing to her. He broke up with her and a month or two later realised he loved her so much he asked her to marry him ...Please give him and yourself this space hun and things will work out I promise

[gradle]

hi guys,

sorry i've been absent all weekend...i've had some friends in town adn have been hanging out with them and their family...

it's been a crazy weekend...i should have just gone to the cape with my friends but i didn't...

lets see, on saturday i was out with my friends most of the day....and i called him to ask when we were going to hang out...and he claimed he forgot...i was really upset...i went over there and got really upset...and then i left and went to my friend's house and just stayed there the night. he had told me that it was over that night. he told me though that if he had just now met me, he would have loved to be with me, that i was the perfect girl...but now he can't.

when i went to my friends house j kept calling me and texting me when he got back from the bar...and the next morning...finally i picked up and we talked and we made plans to hang out on sunday...

so i went along with hanging out with my friends on sunday and he called around 3:30 or 4 and said...the day is almost over...

i said i'd be done with my friends around 6:30, that we could go to dinner and maybe have drinks afterwards...

and he said no, that it could only be dinner, no going out afterwards..that he'd already made plans.

i got upset b/c he was the one that said we should hang out on sunday, yet he'd put these people over me as soon as they called?

i said no way, then no dinner.

he was pretty angry.

so....

i was going through the night...and finally, with the help of my friends, i think i've accepted that it's over for now.

big step for me.

i know you guys are going to be angry at me for this, but this morning, i had stayed at my visiting friend aunt's house..

on my way home i stopped at j's.

and i had woken him...

but we talked...i just sat down and told him i thought i was finally letting him go. it was a very emotional moment. but that i didn't know if i could let go of our feelings for each other. i apologized for it taking so long for me to accept it (even though i think 6 weeks isn't that long, his last g/f it took her over a year, my last ex, it took him 6 months, and neither of those were half as serious or as long) he seemed to understand. he said that he's not averse for it possibly working out in the future.i just told him that i wanted us to end on a good note. not being angry with each other like we had been the night before. i love him and i don't want to be angry at him and mean to him. and i know he doesn't want to be mean to me. we talked and it's just that he really needs his independence...he just kept saying that hte break up wasn't my fault. that he's always just wanted to prove to himself that he can go somewhere and just make it, all on his own. that it didn't have anything to really do with me, that i shoudn't worry, he'll be back in dc in a year. i just tried to focus on the fact that more than i was his girlfriend, i was his friend.

and it was going well...i was there for about an hour and a half. and then i said something like i think we should cherish the time we have left, try to spend some of it together and have fun...

and he said, no! that he wouldn't hang out with me and talk to me if all i focused on was the little time we have left together, because it freaks me out. i know it freaks me out, but i do think it is somewhat important of a factor, i don't understand that. i said, well, you know, both he and i admit that we love each other, that we are the most important people in each other's lives, i think we should enjoy the time we have left together. but he's consistently put me on the back burner the last two days, so i don't understand it. it hurts my feelings and makes me angry. i would never ask him not to hang out with those people, but it hurts when i keep getting deprioritized. he says that's a part of moving on, deprioritizing the other person. i guess that it is, but i think you should still show them that you care, and that you will still be there for them if they need you...adn the fact that time is limited is a factor. he claims time is not a factor for him in any way...what? i'm so confused about this whole issue...

i felt i was really adult about this. i kept my distance when i talked to him, i controlled my voice, i wasn't angry, i was upset, and sad, but not unreasonable. and he admitted....our talk was nice, it was good. but he said he's just trying to move on...that if we date (i don't know why he keeps calling it that, i just thought we'd hang out as two people who cared about each other who want to enjoy each other's company) all we can do is dinner.

what? why can't we do dinner and a movie, or just hang out and watch tv, or just go grab a couple of drinks. not all the time. but he admits he likes me more than those other people, that he's probably not going to see/talk to them in 6 weeks, so why not, every once in a while, take an afternoon out for me? like i'm so confused. i can accept that we are no longer together adn that we aren't going to be anytime soon. but he just says that we can't think about the past, he can't think about the past. he still had all of my pictures up and my stuff there...he tried to give me back my make up but i want him to hold on to it for now. i told him i was upset with him for not wanting to hang out more, and he kept saying over adn over again that we tried hanging out yesterday, you were the one that bailed...but he's trying to put that on me, that's not fair...he had been an a$%, i had to stand up for myself

part of me is thinking htat he wants to make me angry or be angry with me...my friend told me that when he and his g/f were having problems and they found out they were going to be apart, he did something similar, treated her like crap, tried not to spend time with her...almost to make it easier to be apart, to prove to himself that he didn't need her anymore...could that be what he's doing?

anyways, i suggested going to get just dinner or a movie tomorrow, and he said that was fine... so i'll go, but i have accepted that we are no longer together...and i'm really sad, but overall i'm ok.

if someone could please just clue me in on the whole time issue...

[RayKay]

I am not sure if others will agree, but I think honestly he was right for only wanting dinner, and for making plans afterwards. Remember, that part of this being friends is not having expectations of more...if he was just a friend, would you get angry at him for having other plans as well afterwards? Probably not....

 

He is right for setting some boundaries...dinner, and a movie, and drinks, is almost too much like a date/coupley at this point for people who just broke up recently, and I think he is right for trying to set those boundaries for your relationship as friends.

 

I think that is perfectly normal behaviour, and well of course he is trying to distance himself to make it on his own, that is what people do when they break up....

 

You are still thinking, despite you saying you have "accepted it as being over", that he owes you more...which is why you are getting angry at him for not wanting to spend more time with you and so on, but sweetie, you are broken up and there should be no expectations of any more. He is right, it is part of moving on to not focus so much on the other person! Time is not a factor for him because you are NOT together anymore...

 

Time takes as much time as it takes....but right now you are still not in right mindset..I think while you say you accept you are no longer together, you have not accepted yet that in reality....and honestly, I think if someone says they are 'not averse' to being with you again, it is not saying 'I really want to be with you again'. Why would you want to be with someone who is 'not averse' to being with you...personally I would be pretty offended at that!

 

Gradle, I really think that you are still in the mindset that he should be treating you like his girlfriend, when that is not the case at all. If you want to be friends even, you will have to accept that your relationship with him has changed, and you are not the first priority, and that he has the right to set boundaries, as do you. He is trying to move on, and is doing so by trying to redefine the relationship between you two in terms of time and obligations. I think he IS showing you he cares by being very patient with you and listening to you, and talking with you, but to you his "care" must come in form of him always being there or something, and sweetie, that is just not normal for people who are supposed to be moving on....

[gradle]

hi ray kay!

well, i really think i have accepted that we are broken up, that we are no longer together...i'm still really sad about it, but i have accepted it.

as far as the not averse to being with me again statement...that wasn't exactly waht he said....he said that he would never try and stop it from working out with us in the future, no he didn't say that he would be willing to try for it to work out right now. i didn't expect him to.

if he were just a friend though, i would expect him to either keep our plans, or rearrange them for another night if that's what he needed,but i don't want to get cut off for jsut dinner. i was upset though b/c my friends had to rearrange their plans for mine, etc etc.., i agree, boundaries are acceptable, i wouldn't go and sleep wiht him or spend the night or snuggle up with him. but i think if we're out and enjoying our time together, we could continue it until it's time to go our separate ways, but to have a time set on it is a little weird and too formal for me...it makes it feel like more of an obligation...i think also, is the fact that he wanted to go out to dinner and then leave me to go out with these other people...but knowing that i had no plans later....

it woudl be one thing if i had known it would be just dinner before hand and made my plans for later, or if neither us had had plans later on, but the way it was, i think i would have felt ditched if i had gone to dinner and then had him just leave to go out with these other people. so for me that wasn't okay...

and he is the one that continues to refer to these things as dates, i wouldn't do that at all....i wish they were dates, yes, but realistically it would be just two "friends" hanging out..

i guess i'm just not settled with this whole "time" issue.. i guess you're right, that since we're no longer together time really isn't an issue...but even with my friends, when i know i'm moving, or leaving for a long time, i try to spend as much time with them as i can and have fun....isnt' that normal? j did that with his friends when he was leaving, i know i did that too, and so did my friends...i don't expect to see him a lot, but i expect some quality time from him, with us just hanging out and having fun.

i accept that he's been distancing himself...i understand that. i do think this entire thing is more b/c of the move and that he's trying to figure out if he's okay on his own, of course he is, everyone is okay on their own when they get right down to it.

and i don't htink that he and i will ever really truly be just friends...we've never just been friends....but i think as 2 people who care about each other we can have a good relationship and leave it at that....(not necessarily a g/f, b/f relationship, but somesort of relationship regardless)

i know we'll probably stop/slow communications once one or the other starts seeing someone new...but for now, we can at least be open and honest, and respectful....

[Liquidius]

*is proud of gradle*

 

Well done girl, you did it. You did completely the right thing. I am very proud!

 

In my mind, I don't see anything wrong with dinner and a movie. I'd be angry if any of my friends blew off time with me at the last moment.

[gradle]

thanks liquid....

i know i'm not really over him by any means...i'm just trying to be respectful and let him go find himself...i think i'm just tired of feeling like i'm in limbo...and i think our relationship was too good to end on a such a bad note... and if there is any hope for the future, i don't want it to be tainted, you know?

maybe i woul dhave been stronger if i'd just cut him off completely...but i think i would have felt like i had given up...at least this way i know i tried everything i could think of, and i know htat i'm letting him go do what he really needs to do, and trying to be ok with it...

i just think things between us should be good when we leave, that way if he ever wants/needs someone to talk to he'll feel comfortable calling me...

i remember when we had our first break up...many many years ago...he had said that even though he really wanted to talk to me, he felt like i was angry wtih him, that he should leave me alone.

i guess i just don't want him to feel that way now, you know?

[Mun]

Hi gradle,

I wish I could help you understand that sometimes time is not an enemy, but a friend.

I understand how you want to make the most of this time you have left with him because you are going to be apart for so long, but I would caution you against trying to force things to happen. Even a simple dinner and movie. Try and think about it this way. Time is still going to pass you by. A year or so from now you and J will again be in the same city. Wouldn't it be great--and so easy---to run into him and possibly start dating again ? It can happen, you know that.

 

It is less likely to happen if he feels harassed into spending time with you now. Or if you are so desperate to spend time with him that you will cry to him when your expectations are not met.

 

Honey, take what you can get. If the man wants to take you to dinner then go, it sure is better than sitting at home and not even talking to him at all. It may not be what you want, but you should remember that he is your EX and he is under no obligation to even talk to you again, much less take you out. So this is worth something, be thankful for that and have a great time. Now if you feel insulted by his actions then don't go-but I doubt you will be that offended

 

Last year, when I finally decided to let my friend go, I really thought that was the end of it. Too many tears, to much of me acting psycho , but now we are talking again and were going to meet up last week. We had scheduling problems. I honestly think that letting time pass, and getting my head together helped put me in a place where now I don't live or die if I don't see or talk to him. We can be friendly, and MAYBE ( big maybe) even more some day.

 

Don't be afraid of time, it can be a good thing.

(This guy doesn't remember that I kinda stalked him and all the crazy things I did--they are now 'cute' in his mind)

[annie24]

Hi Gradle - I have to second everything everyone before me said.

 

Don't get mad at him when he suggests dinner, when you'd rather have dinner and drinks and a walk. You wouldn't get mad at a co-worker who only had time to get dinner, would you? Like Muneca said, dinner is better than sitting home by yourself.

[Mun]

I read this somewhere: A man will marry a woman that makes him feel good about himself.

 

Imagine how many things in our behavior we would change if we seriously considered the other persons feelings and perception of us. I'm not advocating we "deny ourselves" but to have enough respect to really step back when we say we will. Hounding someone so we can get our way will not get them to feel good about themselves or about us...it's a bad move...

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

Wow! Sounds like you had quite an emotional weekend. I'm sorry this is still so tough on you.

 

I really have to agree with what RayKay, Muneca & Annie are all telling you here.

 

The relationship as a couplehood, at least for now, is over. J is trying to redefine it into something different, some sort of an awkward friendship, and thereforeeee he does not have the obligation to put you first, or plan a whole evening with you if he doesn't want to.

 

Have you ever "double-booked" in a night with several friends? I have, grab a quick dinner and catch up with a friend, and then off for drinks and dancing, or pool, with another/others?

 

The important thing is that J IS making time for you in his life right now, and that is more than we can say for alot of exes, right?

 

I agree with Ray that it seems that you still feel that J "owes" you a certain amount of time, or a certain place on his list of priorities, when, as an ex, that just isn't the case anymore.

 

He is trying to move on, and part of that is distancing himself from you a little. He really seems to be trying the friendship thing, and I know it's hard for you to let him go, but pushing for more isn't going to get you what you want from him.

 

Think about it this way: Before you were desperate just to have him call you once in awhile. If you didn't hear from him, you would call him. Now, he's actually making plans to see you, and the length of time isn't enough for you. It seems the more you get, the more you want. See what I mean?

 

Try to be patient with him. I know you feel as though you are "running out of time", and for a little while, you won't see him, but as Muneca said, in a year you will be in the same city again...and imagine how much both of you will have grown as people by then. Who knows what can happen?

 

The point is, your life isn't over when you leave the Boston. You will most likely see J again.

 

If this becomes too much for you now, you know you can always back off and not see him anymore. No one likes feeling like they are in limbo.

 

When is it that you leave again?

[gradle]

hi all,

thanks for the replies, i appreciate all of the effort everyone has put into me. maybe i shouldn't be focusing on time as a factor. i think i just felt like it was incredibly rude of him to do that.

like, i told him if he made these plans out of pity or guilt, i'd rather not go with him at all...he said he made them cause he wanted to see me, but the way he treated it, like having a definite cut off, made me feel kind of crappy. that's why i turned down the dinner...

and i do understand what you're saying about time. everytime i talk about it and make plans, i think maybe i'm doing the wrong thing....maybe youre right mun, we'll run into each otehr one day and start over, sort of like what happened last time. he says he's convinced we won't be out of touch, that we'll talk and see each other again...that even if we don't make these plans, we'll see each other before we leave boston....

but it's this fear that holds me back from just believing that and being tghat confident that that's true....

i just always want him to feel comfortable to talk to me...and i thought by us just hanging out every once in a while is sort of a step in the right directions..