Am I in the wrong?

[Wilsonskye14]

A few days ago, my boyfriend saw someone on a bridge cliff cwith firefighters at the bottom and people and cops around. He thought the person looked like someone he knew but couldn't be sure.
Today, he confirmed it was that same person, but he was talked down from the ledge.
Because it was someone he knew, my boyfriend is angry with himself and upset he didn't stop to see. He believes he could've talked him down.
I was doing everything I could to tell him he can't beat himself up over that. I said it's awful but he can't go back and change things and there's no guarantee he could've done anything. He told me he was a bad friend and I told him he wasn't. I really didn't know what to say in that situation. He's not really friends with this person and never cared for him but he feels guilty because he truly believed he could've prevented it period by being friends with him. I told him he's not forced to be friends with someone based on guilt. He had no way of knowing this would have happened and he can be there for a person and try to help them the best they can, but he's not obligated to be friends with him by that.
I really didn't know what to say and I wasn't trying to say the wrong this. I truly just wanted him to know it was really devastating it happened, but he was not to blame for what happened.
Apparently, he believed I was telling him that he shouldn't care that this person tried what he tried. That I think he shouldn't have done anything. That was not my intention at all.
He didn't say this to me in the moment, but he began getting really angry with me and I said why are you so upset with me? What did I do? He screamed BECAUSE YOU DON'T GIVE A ***....
I've been with this person for 3 years, I struggle with similar thoughts as his acquaintance (something my boyfriend knows very well), and I've always been the type of person who went out of there way to help everyone in any way I can, whether it's with mental health, financially, to do errands for, be there for, etc. For him to say something like that to me, when all I was trying to do was help... I can't get over it.
I was NOT trying to make the situation about myself but I rarely stand up for myself ever and this was something I couldn't stay quiet about. I said are you serious? Is that how low you think of me, is that really what you believe? If that's the case, then why are we together?
When I tell you the LOOK he gave me. He was GLARING at me. His eyes were huge, his face was snarled up, he was breathing heavily. I didn't understand what he was trying to do, so I said what are you going to do?
At that, he walked away from me and didn't speak a word to me for an hour. I went to talk to him and when he said he thought i said to get over it and who cares, i said than why couldn't you just tell me what you thought I said so I could tell you what I said and what I meant. I said that was so childish and the way you looked at me made it worse, i said I didn't think you were going to hit me, but why would you glare at me like that.
He said I disgusted him with what I said...
I kept asking what I did that was so wrong. I said for him to say those things and act that way, i cant help but feel he actually feels that way.
Especially because he didn't seem to feel bad or apologize after I clarified what I indeed meant in what I was saying.
He tells me he doesn't know what he has to apologize for and he doesn't feel bad because me and him "see things differently" and what he's feeling was "something called compassion". I didn't know how many times I had to repeat that I was not saying anything negative and I was just trying to help him.
I told him I didn't know the right thing to say. I said if it were me, you would have reassured me the SAME way. I said did you want me to tell you "yeah you're a real piece of *** for not helping" would that make things better?
He then proceeded to tell ME that I acted crazy and I'm the one that started yelling at him. I only yelled at him when he said i didnt give a *** and only then. Then it changed to all the things ive done wrong in our relationship (things we've already discussed and got through).
He told me he was sorry but he thought I was saying something different than what I said. I said it still hurts he couldn't talk to me like an adult and that he'd think that low of me anyway... We went to bed not speaking and he's barely said 2 words to me so far today. He only asked me what was wrong because I was quiet and I said I'm still upset with you. He said nothing else and it's quiet again.
I feel like *** about all of this. I feel like a ***ty person because apparently I don't give a *** about people who are severely struggling mentally. I feel in my heart of hearts I didn't do anything wrong and I clarified that, and I DON'T want to forgive him. I don't want to make the situation about myself at all, but I couldn't help it with what he said.
Can someone from the outside please give me some insight on this?

[Wiseman2]

It's remarkable that you are arguing about this. Neither of you are doing the right thing. When someone is in distress, it's important to let the pros handle it.

If someone threatens suicide, this is NOT the time for rubbernecking, arguing, playing god, etc. It's the time to call 911 for help.

 How old is he? Do you live together?

Your relationship seems unusually conflicted and like you two are playing a video game.

It's all about who's right/who's wrong, who won, then the sore losers go to bed mad at something they have nothing to do with in reality.

[smackie9]

I agree with Wiseman, this was something for the pros to handle. It would have been different if he saw this person with no one around, and took no regard to do anything about it. Fact: If he interfered, the authorities would have told your BF to stay away and let them do their job.

I suspect this really has noting to do with him not stopping. I call this the spilled orange juice incident. My inlaws went into a frenzy on each other when one slipped orange juice one morning. We had to go there and keep the peace. There was obviously issues going on with them, and it was the tipping point.

What I mean is, there is a deeper issue that lies between you two that has been building up for some time. Some kind of resentment, something that has been lurking in the background. I suggest you start talking with each other and air out your grievances.

[Batya33]

Yes, there's more to it for sure.  Two questions - first did he ask you to give your opinion on how he should have reacted (rather than ''wow I'm so sorry you feel that way!") -it's so tempting to jump in and tell someone they are overreacting rather than simply listening or parroting "you feel you should have done more" - but maybe when you gave your unsolicited input he was taken aback.  Also I'm puzzled about why you don't assert yourself in a healthy way - and why this time? Why do you rarely stand up for yourself and what is that about? When should you be standing up for yourself and how do you think you would if you did? 

This one time you did -but what were you standing up for -he shared his feelings.  You believed he overreacted and told him that even though he didn't ask what you thought -he was venting it seems.  Were you standing up for yourself - that you have superior knowledge of the situation because you've been in this person's shoes with these thoughts? Maybe you conjuring that up frightened him.  

I think he overreacted.  I think he should have listened to your heartfelt clarification.  I am not trying to place blame and I strongly believe there is more to this - a la the spilled orange juice mentioned above.

[Hollyj]

He was out of line.  He owes you an apology.   

Who is he to think he could talk this guy down?  Knowing someone does not give you the tools to handle this type of situation.   He could have made it worse.  

Have there been similar situations where he has overreacted in the past?

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Wilsonskye14 said:

he feels guilty because he truly believed he could've prevented it period by being friends with him.

Nah, sadly.. if that person was not in the right 'frame of mind', he would have done what he was doing, whether your bf were friends with him or not. 😕 

Wow, and to act out like that with you? ....

I am wondering IF this maybe triggered him somehow?  Like it set him off.  Maybe a memory of someone else in a bad spot, he knows of?

BUT, he really did over react in a nasty at you... then to bring up all your past issues, again. 😕 

I'd let him be for a while... until he can work through whatever he is dealing with.  No pressures.  he needs time I figure himself out.  So, let him go dwell in his man cave for a bit.

 

[LaHermes]

21 hours ago, Wilsonskye14 said:

He was GLARING at me. His eyes were huge, his face was snarled up, he was breathing heavily.

 

21 hours ago, Wilsonskye14 said:

He then proceeded to tell ME that I acted crazy and I'm the one that started yelling at him. I only yelled at him when he said i didnt give a *** and only then. Then it changed to all the things ive done wrong in our relationship (things we've already discussed and got through).

 

21 hours ago, Wilsonskye14 said:

I rarely stand up for myself ever

None of this sounds good at all, does it, OP?

 

[catfeeder]

It's important to make room for how people react to seeing an upsetting event in person.

While seeing something horrible on TV or reading or hearing about it from afar can trigger some of the same reactions depending on a person's history, actually seeing an event in progress often causes a 'shock' response. This is where some parts of the rational brain shut down while the more base 'reptilian' parts of the brain take over.

This state is why your BF didn't sound 'rational'. He needed to process the event by talking through his shock and the emotions this event triggered in him.

It's natural when we hear a loved one speak themselves into a mind spin of self-torture to want to talk them right out of that. But as you've noticed, that's not received well.

You were trying to speak to the rational part of this man's brain while it was shut down. His state at that time could only hear that as dismissive of his REAL need to walk through his own stuff. 

When someone is shocked, attempts to argue with them in a rational manner will only infuriate that person, and they are RIGHT in their assumption that you do not understand them during that time.

So you were BOTH 'right', but neither of you were capable of connecting with the others' state of mind at that time.

You get to decide whether holding him responsible for injury over this has any value, or whether shocked people are best dealt with by allowing them to talk themselves through their own process in order to restore their rational mind--in time.

You tried to short-cut that process, and his reaction to that came from the part of his brain that was dominant at that time.

I would apologize to BF for my mistake. Instead of listening and soothing, I argued with him. I was well intentioned, but I can see now how I did the wrong thing, and I'm sorry.

 

[LaHermes]

21 hours ago, smackie9 said:

this was something for the pros to handle. It would have been different if he saw this person with no one around, and took no regard to do anything about it. Fact: If he interfered, the authorities would have told your BF to stay away and let them do their job.

I suspect this really has noting to do with him not stopping. I call this the spilled orange juice incident. My inlaws went into a frenzy on each other when one slipped orange juice one morning. We had to go there and keep the peace. There was obviously issues going on with them, and it was the tipping point.

What I mean is, there is a deeper issue that lies between you two that has been building up for some time. Some kind of resentment, something that has been lurking in the background. I suggest you start talking with each other and air out your grievances.

I am of the same opinion as you Smackie. 

And also:

Fact: If he interfered, the authorities would have told your BF to stay away and let them do their job.

Would he have yelled and stomped and screamed at the authorities?  I think not, as he knows full well where that would get him.

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

Does your boyfriend generally have anger management problems?