I deserve this… I cheated on him … but this is too much to bear ?

[V1111]

I am in love with my husband since more than a decade now. There were many issues in this journey. Many things I couldn’t understand, many things he couldn’t. I never realised that we were just wrong people sticked to each other. We always had communication and trust issues. I never knew his mind… I still don’t know. We both saw this relationship in completely different light. I had troubled childhood … I couldn’t get over it ( still not ) and as a result i am extremely insecure and attention seeker ( there, I said it). I have slapped my husband over this years many times… the sweet guy always understood. I could never control my anger, that combined with my insecurities ruined my relationship. As a result of all this combined … despite of loving him so so much, I ended up cheating on him…. It first started as him ignoring me for few things and then my need of feel love… I started talking with guys on a dating app… in the starting I sent him ss by thinking he will realise how badly I need some communication…. But obv world doesn’t work the way I think… he said do whatever you want and one time made me delete the app ( I was happiest that day believe or not). We were getting married but after marriage… joint family and his struggling business took away the spark of our relationship from the first month… after few months of staying alone.. I again started chatting with guys over the app and I had sext with few of them… with one guy I came in virtual relationship… ( i regret this … ). 

My husband caught me and was devastated… that was the first time in long time I actually realised that He loves me… ( we had that level of communication gap). Finally after giving relationship another chance we spent two years abroad … still there… I was happy i could see the love is lost from his side but I loved him…. He told me he doesn’t have feelings and is not emotional…  Just now before a month… he started talking to a girl and I read their chat… turned out he couldn’t love me after my cheating ( i understand 😞) and he told that girl that he knows he don’t love me .. is getting super close with this girl who is now his bestfriend… I am super jealous of this girl but more than jealous I am heartbroken…. I loved him even when I was cheating…. I was wrong … but he gave me chance ….  and now he is spending all the time with that girl like i wanted him to spend with me… he is giving all his emotions to her … all his time , energy to her …. I feel heartbroken but I know I have caused this…..   he tells me that he still wants to try and loves me… but I read their chat and he told the girl that he wants to stay with me for visa.. ( that’s his only good career/financial option)!  They talk all the time… makes fun of me when I get jealous. 
 

I deserve this… I cheated on him … but this is too much to bear provided I love him so much…. I can’t see my future without him…

please tell me what to do? 
please talk to me… I feel so so alone…

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, V1111 said:

 I have slapped my husband over this years many time. I could never control my anger.

I ended up cheating on him…

The first place you could start is with a physician for an evaluation of the moods, anger, anxiety and impulse control. 

Then get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Consult an attorney to discuss your options in divorce. Do not threaten divorce or mention you are seeking advice from an attorney.

If substance use is an issue behind the impulse control and moods, anger and anxiety, get support for that as well.

[SooSad33]

This has gone too far now.

You two have fallen apart.. he has tried and tried.. but now is reaching out elsewhere.. sorry 😕 .

You two should not stay together.. and whatever re: his visa.... is not your responsibility.

He is your husband?  Then is he not legal now?

YOU have a lot of emotional issue's.. to assault anyone is not good.

You need to look into some professional help - and should have long ago.  

You need to 'vent out' different ways, not at people.

Therapy can help with that... can help you work through your issue's and teach you different coping skills.

I think it's time to do so.. contact your doctor about all of this.. tell them you need help, they can direct you to places w. therapists.

[Kwothe28]

You did "cheat" on him(I dont know if I could clasify what you did as cheating in true sense but OK I guess its some form of it today) but what you dont deserve is to stay in a loveless marriage where somebody makes fun of you with some other girl while staying with you for a visa. You did try to work it out and that is commendable, but its clear that he couldnt get over that issue. So I think, unfortunately, separation is the answer here. 

[Hollyj]

You cannot use your childhood as an excuse to cheat and be violent.  You could have sought therapy to deal with your issues.  Take responsibility!

The relationship is highly dysfunctional and he does not love you.  End it. 

Seek some therapy to deal with your attention-seeking and violent tendencies. 

[Tinydance]

I think it's not going to work, it's too late. Looks like your husband actually can't forgive you and he wants to find someone else.

[Seraphim]

Actually ,no ,you don’t love somebody that you hit and cheat on. You want someone to love YOU no matter what you do. 
 

It’s over . 

[MissCanuck]

Your marriage is over. There is no coming back from this anymore. 

Seek out a divorce lawyer to initiate the process, and also a therapist to address your inappropriate behaviour and unhealthy mindset. 

[lostandhurt]

I read your other posts to him.  You admit guilt but justify your actions.  You admit he has never been emotionally available to you but you stayed.

 

You ask him to divorce you because you do not have the strength to do it.  You need to set yourself free from all this.  Divorce isn't the end of the world.  You will survive and one day meet someone new and hopefully build a healthy relationship.

Right now you fear the unknown of divorce.  Look into it a little as well as moving home.  Back home you will have a support system to help you get your life going again.  Divorcing in a foreign country my be tricky but not impossible.  At least look into so you know where you stand legally because romantically he has checked out of this marriage some time ago.

 Lost