Losing Hope

[WhyIsItSoHard]

After I was cheated on in December, I have made a long review of my love and sex life, and I realized that other than my ex husband, since 2000, I haven't had a boyfriend. Just many relationships, you know the kind, the "we don't need a label, our love is stronger than that" only to be ghosted or exchanged for someone else, and the explanation, if there is one is usually "we never labeled our relationship because it wasn't one".

Is this it? Is my great love story just a handful of bad experiences with jerks? I am young, I am not ready to bid my sex life farewell, but I refuse to accept that the only way to have a sex life is to sleep around with a bunch of jerks that will be sleeping around. I want intimacy, why does it feel like I am asking for a kidney?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, WhyIsItSoHard said:

Just many relationships, you know the kind, the "we don't need a label, our love is stronger than that" only to be ghosted or exchanged for someone else,

If you're hearing this repeatedly, your picker is off. Or you're staying too long with men who are noncommital. 

I am not saying you deserve to be ghosted or any such thing, but perhaps you need to reset your standards for the men you date. Where do you meet men, generally? Do you stick around even if they tell you they don't want a relatnship or label or whatever? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, WhyIsItSoHard said:

other than my ex husband, 

you know the kind, the "we don't need a label, our love is stronger than that" 

Sorry this is happening. Dating after divorce is an adjustment. 

Try to pace yourself so that you are not getting overinvested and overinvolved.

That means skip the hookups, FWB, nebulous and confusing situationships.

Be crystal clear on what you want. If it's exclusive dating then discuss that before sex or too much involvement.

It also seems like you are not recovered from the cheating and divorce and somehow just keep reliving the discard scenario, whether that is real or imagined.

It's extremely important to come across with confidence rather than a victim or go on and on about being cheated on, your divorce, life sucks,men suck,etc.

Have you seen a physician about your overall health and wellness? See if being evaluated for mood or anxiety disorders helps.

Certainly a qualified therapist could help you with self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and help replace that with self-respect and productive thoughts and behaviors.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, you will run into many who are just looking for a cheap thrill. Some are not into getting fully involved, fears, etc. - So, they will do this. (some just want a fwb).

But, not all are like this... but there are all kinds. 

Some guys may be freshly out of a LTR, some may not be emotionally available, for reasons.

Is your choice to get physically involved.  But, do remember, we can get emotionally invested long before they will.

One day though, you may just come across someone who IS fully into you and actually ready, willing and able to commit.  Just have to be on the same path, compatible, etc. - so, not so easy. 😕 

I am reading an interesting book, 'Men are from Mars, Women, Venus".  It explains some good points on how different we are.

[DancingFool]

I've never had a guy say that kind of bs to me in my life. Why? Because I'd laugh in his face and drop him on the spot. In fact, I don't give the time of day to those types so they never even have a chance to bs me like that in the first place. My point is, OP, that if you allow bs and tolerate bs, that's all you are going to get and attract into your life. 

So, raise your standards....by a lot. Fix your picker. Quality men exist. Men who will treat you well and with respect exist. Focus on those and let the clowns fall by the wayside. Stop wasting your time on clowns hoping they'll become decent men. It does not work that way.

Most importantly start by being completely honest with yourself in terms of what it is that you actually want. Do you want a stable relationship? Do you want just a series of hot flings? Where are you really at? Even if all you want are some hot flings, you can still have fun and respect. You don't have to settle for dregs just to get laid. Value yourself more and the world will go along with you.

[dias]

13 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Quality men exist.

They do? I thought they existed only in the movies. Learning something new everyday on ENA. 

[LaHermes]

17 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Stop wasting your time on clowns hoping they'll become decent men. It does not work that way.

I ask what Ms. Canuck asked. Where do you meet men generally? Or rather, where do you find these jerks!

I echo what Wiseman has said:

On 5/12/2021 at 10:38 AM, Wiseman2 said:

That means skip the hookups, FWB, nebulous and confusing situationships.

 

[Kibo]

Some quick advice: Try to have more dates with the same person before getting sexual. I, as an example, take quite a time to "warm up" to a person. After we had sex (btw. I like casual sex), I usually think about wether we are a good match. I experienced that, if I had spent more time with the woman before, I have stronger feelings and I have a greater desire to see the person again. Besides, men who don´t mean it seriously probably won´t stick around 5 dates without getting sex.

On the other hand: If a woman asks me, if I was looking for a relationship, before we had sex, I would always say "no". I know there are men who are eager to get into a relationship but I am not. The relationships I had been in developed over time and in none of the cases had I been willing to get into a relationship in the first place.

So it might help to talk about "what you want" early on, but it certainly will scare some men of, who could have been potential boyfriends.