WhyIsItSoHard

E: Do you really think that by saying I'm sorry all the hurt is gonna go away? No, we don't all have a girl lined up to get into bed with the minute we have a fight. No, we don't all resort to alcohol and drugs. Some of us just stay here, with our pain, trying to get rid of it in the most healthy way, and you are just making it harder with your lies. I don't want to see you again, get that through your stupid skull. Why would you even want to fix things? Do you need money? Are you afraid I will ask for my money back on those concert tickets? What is it that you want? You say we are family, you say that you love me, why couldn't you figure that out when I got my bad news and you screwed up my birthday (I am pretty sure you did it on purpose) and instead of fixing it you kept pushing me away because you couldn't get away from her a couple of hours to make things right? For weeks I waited for you to fix things, but you were too busy setting them up together. Now you want to fix things, how do you fix a major f*** up like this one? How can you make the pain of your treachery go away? How can you earn back my trust? How can we fix this when your name, your voice, your pictures, your songs, the movies we saw together, TV shows, jokes, wrestling, even words, everything triggers me and sends me back to square one? Do you feel this way about me? Of course not, you have been busy f***ing and drinking and snorting your way out of your depression. You think about me once a week, and in the meantime I am stuck, right where I was 5 months ago when I learned that he cheated on me and you defended the POS. For a lesbofeminist, you are quite the macho jerk. I saw you treat girls like crap, I always believed you were in a dark place because you are always depressed. I never thought you would do that to me. That's when I learned it's not you having a bad moment, it's who you really are. If you don't like it, then change. If you can't, then embrace it, embrace who you really are and start presenting yourself that way, not the helpless victim you always portray. Embrace it, but understand that no one is under any obligation to embrace you. You want to fix things? Take away this feeling.

PS: I want my money back. And my songs and games and TV shows and movies and all those things that I can't listen to or watch anymore because they hurt so bad. I want my favorite bands. Your area of destruction was huge. Not a standing building. Not a good memory. Nothing.

M: I'm still not fully over the shock of how things turned out in the end. I remember after my birthday fiasco, you said you didn't want to be on the list of jerks who hurt me, of all the people in the world, not me. And then you did. I remember the good old days when a guy would screw up and bring flowers and dedicate songs and ask for forgiveness. But not you. The cheating was bad enough. Then you proceeded to try to gaslight me to blame me for the disaster? What a f*%&ing coward you are. Pretending the past year was just us being friends and trying to make me the crazy b%$#& who was just confused about the meaning of sex and the "I love you"s on your behalf. Well, if I was the crazy confused person, then that meant that you did nothing but take advantage, exploit the situation for your own benefit, so no, it's not the winner argument you think it is. You POS, I can't believe such a tiny man can take up such a huge space in my mind and heart. Just finish leaving, will you? E: You knew all along what he was like because you are just like him or even worse if possible. Why would you put that piece of garbage in my way? How could you defend his cheating on someone you claim to love and admire so dearly? Seriously, you rather line up all his hens so he can just continue getting laid as much as he wanted, even to the detriment of my feelings, my peace of mind, etc. The fact that he did this a few weeks before my mastectomy was just a poop cherry on top of everything, and you were ok with this. He is a man, so I kind of figured this would happen sooner or later, although not in such a terrible way. But I never expected this from you. I have loved you since the day you were born, I was there, almost 30 years thrown in the garbage because you decided his d&%$ was more important than my heart. Then what's up with the rape allegations? You said nothing happened between them and now I am learning something did happen and it was not consensual? You knew about this and still thought he was good enough for me? Why do you hate me? And you still claim to be a feminist? STFU. I will never ever ever forgive this. M and E: I hope you meet someone just like you. Someone that will treat you in the same way you both treated me. Nothing more, nothing less, just exactly like you two.