Girl lied about her ex being a friend

[Tinydance]

9 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

Nah i'm not jumping out of any window, i'm just sad, pissed off and generally in a really bad mood.

Yeah i totally agree with you, she is a nutcase. I just dont understand why it has to be so hard to find decent people.

I don't think i have low self-esteem, but then again i dont know the exact definition. I think i'm a good looking guy with a lot going for me and i'm probably overly confident about my abilities. I'm just desperately lonely in life in general.

Yeah, I'm pretty lonely too, so I get it. It actually is very hard to find someone for sure, but that doesn't mean that you should settle for bad people. I think that unless you live in a very small country town, it's not a good idea to have long distance things with people. As you can see, online you didn't really know this girl and she turned out to be really not what you expected in real life. Can you meet women in your area on online dating? Meet them in person straight away so you don't waste your time.

[Dgronuru]

5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah, I'm pretty lonely too, so I get it. It actually is very hard to find someone for sure, but that doesn't mean that you should settle for bad people. I think that unless you live in a very small country town, it's not a good idea to have long distance things with people. As you can see, online you didn't really know this girl and she turned out to be really not what you expected in real life. Can you meet women in your area on online dating? Meet them in person straight away so you don't waste your time.

No i know, you're right. I can meet women in the local area, however the pool is kinda small.

I'm probably an idiot for even thinking this. But what if that wasnt an ex? I'm like 99% sure it is. The pics i saw they were holding hands, hugging(very intimate) and the guys dad was saying it was his sons girl(this was what i found on facebook).

It just baffles me she wouldnt admit it. Just deny it and call me a psycho for facebook stalking.

[lostandhurt]

Lesson learned right?

I wonder how many of these make "Friends" are actually guys just like you?

I also wonder if her ex knows he is her ex?  Probably and on and off thing while she tests drives other guys.

If I am on a date with a woman and she is more focused on someone else than the date with me then there is a big red flag flying.  She is either not that into me or rude.  Either way it is over.

Dating can be hard but hang in there.  If you are getting dejected then take a break to recharge and try again.

Lost

[Dgronuru]

4 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Lesson learned right?

I wonder how many of these make "Friends" are actually guys just like you?

I also wonder if her ex knows he is her ex?  Probably and on and off thing while she tests drives other guys.

If I am on a date with a woman and she is more focused on someone else than the date with me then there is a big red flag flying.  She is either not that into me or rude.  Either way it is over.

Dating can be hard but hang in there.  If you are getting dejected then take a break to recharge and try again.

Lost

Well the thing is, when she was on the phone with him i heard him say "When we were dating", so they both know they arent anymore, but who knows if theyre only just friends now. She talks about him a lot and when i was there she told me he comes and visits sometimes for a few days and it rubbed me the wrong way even before knowing this cause she has a tiny apartment and only one bed, where does he sleep?

And she was saying how they'd had a picnic and she was looking forward to next time he was coming. Even if it was just a guy friend it seemed very off to me.

[lostandhurt]

32 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

Well the thing is, when she was on the phone with him i heard him say "When we were dating", so they both know they arent anymore, but who knows if theyre only just friends now. She talks about him a lot and when i was there she told me he comes and visits sometimes for a few days and it rubbed me the wrong way even before knowing this cause she has a tiny apartment and only one bed, where does he sleep?

And she was saying how they'd had a picnic and she was looking forward to next time he was coming. Even if it was just a guy friend it seemed very off to me.

Sounds like a guy hanging around hoping she changes her mind.

  It would have never worked out so at least you didn't have to much invested.

[Tinydance]

34 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

Well the thing is, when she was on the phone with him i heard him say "When we were dating", so they both know they arent anymore, but who knows if theyre only just friends now. She talks about him a lot and when i was there she told me he comes and visits sometimes for a few days and it rubbed me the wrong way even before knowing this cause she has a tiny apartment and only one bed, where does he sleep?

And she was saying how they'd had a picnic and she was looking forward to next time he was coming. Even if it was just a guy friend it seemed very off to me.

That's because it WAS off! Very, very off. I don't even care if the guy was only a platonic friend or in fact it was a female friend or even her Mum or whatever. If you came to visit her and you were going on dates, she shouldn't have been on the phone with other people so much. I understand if she needed to reply to people here and there coz it was four days. But to be messaging and calling a lot, especially her ex, is unacceptable. Something is seriously wrong with her. 

[Dgronuru]

15 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Sounds like a guy hanging around hoping she changes her mind.

  It would have never worked out so at least you didn't have to much invested.

Yeah probably. 

12 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

That's because it WAS off! Very, very off. I don't even care if the guy was only a platonic friend or in fact it was a female friend or even her Mum or whatever. If you came to visit her and you were going on dates, she shouldn't have been on the phone with other people so much. I understand if she needed to reply to people here and there coz it was four days. But to be messaging and calling a lot, especially her ex, is unacceptable. Something is seriously wrong with her. 

I mean every morning i was there, first thing she did was check her phone and reply to him, cause he'd always texted something.

I probably sound like a broken record but for it's helping me to vent about this. I really appreciate you all replying.

When i asked her about him being an ex and told her i knew cause i'd found it on his dads facebook page she flew of the handle and called me a stalker, psychopath who does that. Just for the record, she hates social media. But it's just so weird to me that even when faced with evidence and even when she blocks me and says she never wants to talk to me again, that she would not admit they dated.

[Tinydance]

4 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

Yeah probably. 

I mean every morning i was there, first thing she did was check her phone and reply to him, cause he'd always texted something.

I probably sound like a broken record but for it's helping me to vent about this. I really appreciate you all replying.

When i asked her about him being an ex and told her i knew cause i'd found it on his dads facebook page she flew of the handle and called me a stalker, psychopath who does that. Just for the record, she hates social media. But it's just so weird to me that even when faced with evidence and even when she blocks me and says she never wants to talk to me again, that she would not admit they dated.

In all reality though you actually don't know her much at all. Anyone can seem sweet through a computer screen. In real life you could see she is a total...female dog! Lol I mean, I agree that maybe you shouldn't have admitted that you were stalking her social media. Maybe you should have just said something like: "We're trying to have some nice dates but you keep talking to another guy all the time while you're with me. If you don't really want me to be here, I'm happy to go home." I think she blocked you coz she realised you're not going to put up with her bs. She wanted a doormat guy who will put up with the fact that she's constantly messaging her ex right in front of him. It also doesn't matter if the guy wasn't an ex even. When you're trying to date someone and they came all that way to see you, your attention should be on them. I mean why are you so invested in this girl? She wasn't your girlfriend or anything and you met only once. If you bite into an apple and you find it's rotten inside, you wouldn't keep eating it, right?

[Dgronuru]

7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

In all reality though you actually don't know her much at all. Anyone can seem sweet through a computer screen. In real life you could see she is a total...female dog! Lol I mean, I agree that maybe you shouldn't have admitted that you were stalking her social media. Maybe you should have just said something like: "We're trying to have some nice dates but you keep talking to another guy all the time while you're with me. If you don't really want me to be here, I'm happy to go home." I think she blocked you coz she realised you're not going to put up with her bs. She wanted a doormat guy who will put up with the fact that she's constantly messaging her ex right in front of him. It also doesn't matter if the guy wasn't an ex even. When you're trying to date someone and they came all that way to see you, your attention should be on them. I mean why are you so invested in this girl? She wasn't your girlfriend or anything and you met only once. If you bite into an apple and you find it's rotten inside, you wouldn't keep eating it, right?

I totally agree with you, she was being super disrespectful, but i dont understand how she cant see it. Each day i was there we probably only spent a few hours actually doing things together cause she spent so much time doing random things at home and i obviously got restless and tried to talk/engage with her and she'd get mad cause i got restless and thought i treated her like she was there for my entertainment, which seemed weird to me. I was just trying to do things, i didnt come there to sit alone bored on her couch.

 

I just got heavily invested cause before we met we spent weeks talking almost all day and we had a lot in common and lots of fun and she was very clear about her looking for something serious, just like me and it just seemed like a thing where it'd just work out once we met, but i was obviously wrong. We'd already agreed we're talking exclusively, by her wanting that.

 

 

[Tinydance]

Just now, Dgronuru said:

I totally agree with you, she was being super disrespectful, but i dont understand how she cant see it. Each day i was there we probably only spent a few hours actually doing things together cause she spent so much time doing random things at home and i obviously got restless and tried to talk/engage with her and she'd get mad cause i got restless and thought i treated her like she was there for my entertainment, which seemed weird to me.

 

I just got heavily invested cause before we met we spent weeks talking almost all day and we had a lot in common and lots of fun and she was very clear about her looking for something serious, just like me and it just seemed like a thing where it'd just work out once we met, but i was obviously wrong. We'd already agreed we're talking exclusively, by her wanting that.

 

 

I think you made a very wrong assumption it would work out just because you talked online. It's not really any different to meeting any stranger you never met before.

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

I totally agree with you, she was being super disrespectful, but i dont understand how she cant see it. Each day i was there we probably only spent a few hours actually doing things together cause she spent so much time doing random things at home and i obviously got restless and tried to talk/engage with her and she'd get mad cause i got restless and thought i treated her like she was there for my entertainment, which seemed weird to me. I was just trying to do things, i didnt come there to sit alone bored on her couch.

 

I just got heavily invested cause before we met we spent weeks talking almost all day and we had a lot in common and lots of fun and she was very clear about her looking for something serious, just like me and it just seemed like a thing where it'd just work out once we met, but i was obviously wrong. We'd already agreed we're talking exclusively, by her wanting that.

 

 

I don't think you should worry about proving to her that she was wrong. She obviously doesn't think so. Also it's possible she actually wasn't into you from the start and wanted you to leave, so she was acting super rude deliberately.

[Dgronuru]

15 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I don't think you should worry about proving to her that she was wrong. She obviously doesn't think so. Also it's possible she actually wasn't into you from the start and wanted you to leave, so she was acting super rude deliberately.

That's totally possible. We did have sex and she happily went out and about and held my hand though. So i dont know, there was just a lot of mixed signals.

[Honeycomb8]

Why are you obsessing? She's a stranger and you know nothing about her. She lies so it's clear you just need to drop her. What a waste of time and energy. 

[Dgronuru]

17 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

Why are you obsessing? She's a stranger and you know nothing about her. She lies so it's clear you just need to drop her. What a waste of time and energy. 

To me we weren't strangers. We'd been talking(voicechat) and sharing things about ourselves and our lives for weeks, 8-10 hours per day. 

I agree it's a waste of time and energy but i really had my hopes up and now i'm just in disbelief a little bit and just need to vent.

 

It's just so rare for me to actually feel a connection with someone, that's why this hurt so much. 

[TheSpoon2Big]

TLDR, jk, I will go back and read, but my very first take based on the topic title of this post was a quote I try to live by. Not so much a quote, but I heard him say it on a podcast and I wrote it down. So these are not my words, but helpful philosophy for me. I know there are people here, probably women, who will swear up and down Men and Women can be friends all day long. I beg to differ. Sorry. Just seen this movie way too many times before. Here's the excerpt: 

"If you want to be serious with me... Not Afraid if ignore girl then she will go run off with someone else.

My girls have no male friends. Zero. That is an unbreakable rule: zero.

I will not take the girl seriously if she has male friends. If you want to be with me, you don't have male friends. If you have male friends, we're never going to be serious. I'll bang you you now and again but we're not gonna be serious.

If she chooses her male friends over being serious with me, then she's going to screw one of them eventually anyway so I might as well get rid of her now."

- Andrew Tate

[Hollyj]

1 minute ago, BigSpoon said:

TLDR, jk, I will go back and read, but my very first take based on the topic title of this post was a quote I try to live by. Not so much a quote, but I heard him say it on a podcast and I wrote it down. So these are not my words, but helpful philosophy for me. I know there are people here, probably women, who will swear up and down Men and Women can be friends all day long. I beg to differ. Sorry. Just seen this movie way too many times before. Here's the excerpt: 

If you want to be serious with me. Not Afraid if ignore girl then she will go run off with someone else.

My girls have no male friends. Zero. That is an unbreakable rule: zero.

I will not take the girl seriously if she has male friends. If you want to be with me, you don't have male friends. If you have male friends, we're never going to be serious. I'll bang you you now and again but we're not gonna be serious.

If she chooses her male friends over being serious with me, then she's going to *** one of them eventually anyway so I might as well get rid of her now.

- Andrew Tate

Half of my friends are male.  They are platonic and they will stay that way.  If someone told me that I could not have any male friends, I would see them as insecure and controlling.  That's is their issue.

[Tinydance]

18 minutes ago, BigSpoon said:

TLDR, jk, I will go back and read, but my very first take based on the topic title of this post was a quote I try to live by. Not so much a quote, but I heard him say it on a podcast and I wrote it down. So these are not my words, but helpful philosophy for me. I know there are people here, probably women, who will swear up and down Men and Women can be friends all day long. I beg to differ. Sorry. Just seen this movie way too many times before. Here's the excerpt: 

"If you want to be serious with me... Not Afraid if ignore girl then she will go run off with someone else.

My girls have no male friends. Zero. That is an unbreakable rule: zero.

I will not take the girl seriously if she has male friends. If you want to be with me, you don't have male friends. If you have male friends, we're never going to be serious. I'll bang you you now and again but we're not gonna be serious.

If she chooses her male friends over being serious with me, then she's going to screw one of them eventually anyway so I might as well get rid of her now."

- Andrew Tate

I think it's an over reaction to say that a woman can't have male friends. The way I see it, a man can have female friends and woman can have male friends, but there need to be good boundaries. E.g. Let's say I have a boyfriend and I have some male friends. If I'm not single I shouldn't be messaging or hanging out with my male friends a lot. I can still talk to them or see them sometimes, but my boyfriend should be my number one priority. I shouldn't be doing things with my male friends like going out late at night drinking unless we all do it in a group together. I shouldn't be doing things like stay the night at the male friend's place or stay at his place late, until like 1:00 a.m. or something. And not doing too many date like things like dinner and movies. And being honest about my male friends to my boyfriend, introduce them to each other. Maybe do more group activities together. Like, if I want to meet my male friend for lunch, my boyfriend can come with me too sometimes. 

I think in the case of this girl, whether that guy was an ex or not doesn't matter. If OP travelled far to see her and they were going on dates and having sex, she shouldn't have been on the phone to another guy at all, even a platonic friend. That's because it's rude to be constantly taking photos and sending to a friend or calling on the phone when your date is with you. That goes if it was only a female friend too. And clearly in this case if it was an ex, she's WAY too close with him and probably still dating him and sleeping with him at least. Otherwise why would she care about him if she has another guy with her?

[Andrina]

If the pool is so small where you live, what is the end game? Will the woman always ultimately have to move to be with you? Do you have a stellar career that you can't give up in that location? Just know that it presents a whole new set of problems when a woman has to uproot from her career, family and friends to move. And if it's such a small town, she might be bored to death.

I did OLD for more than 2 years when single and during the initial communication, loved their photos, phone calls and texts and had high hopes. I certainly never spent 8 to 10 hours in communication because I had a job, errands, a hobby, etc. and it's just not a wise thing to do, over investing in an unknown. Just as your 4 day stay with her was too long, that much communication is too, so rein that in in the future.

I can tell you that 9 out of 10 times, everything fell apart on the first meet either because I was feeling it, or he wasn't, or neither of us did. It's more rare to meet someone where it goes great on the first meet and continues on with success.

I had to go on dates with about 30 men before meeting my future husband. It's a lot of digging through a lot of sand to find the treasure.

If it's at all doable for you to move to a location where there is a bigger pool of single women your age to date, I highly recommend you consider that.

[Dgronuru]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think in the case of this girl, whether that guy was an ex or not doesn't matter. If OP travelled far to see her and they were going on dates and having sex, she shouldn't have been on the phone to another guy at all, even a platonic friend. That's because it's rude to be constantly taking photos and sending to a friend or calling on the phone when your date is with you. That goes if it was only a female friend too. And clearly in this case if it was an ex, she's WAY too close with him and probably still dating him and sleeping with him at least. Otherwise why would she care about him if she has another guy with her?

I totally think men and women can be only platonic friends. But it gets weird when they are super close and they seem to be the most important person in their life.

She was being very rude but i gave her the benefit of doubt, she kept saying he was sad and that's why she was replying but it just felt weird how he got "sad" just as i came to visit.

17 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If the pool is so small where you live, what is the end game? Will the woman always ultimately have to move to be with you? Do you have a stellar career that you can't give up in that location? Just know that it presents a whole new set of problems when a woman has to uproot from her career, family and friends to move. And if it's such a small town, she might be bored to death.

I did OLD for more than 2 years when single and during the initial communication, loved their photos, phone calls and texts and had high hopes. I certainly never spent 8 to 10 hours in communication because I had a job, errands, a hobby, etc. and it's just not a wise thing to do, over investing in an unknown. Just as your 4 day stay with her was too long, that much communication is too, so rein that in in the future.

I can tell you that 9 out of 10 times, everything fell apart on the first meet either because I was feeling it, or he wasn't, or neither of us did. It's more rare to meet someone where it goes great on the first meet and continues on with success.

I had to go on dates with about 30 men before meeting my future husband. It's a lot of digging through a lot of sand to find the treasure.

If it's at all doable for you to move to a location where there is a bigger pool of single women your age to date, I highly recommend you consider that.

I'm not entirely sure what the end game is in terms of moving. I have a career where i work from home and can live anywhere and i'm not really rooted in any certain place. 

I do consider moving, but i just dont know where to move and it kind of scares me that i'd move and then not meet anyone or start talking to someone who lives close to where i live now. It's just so difficult.

[Andrina]

13 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

I do consider moving, but i just dont know where to move and it kind of scares me that i'd move and then not meet anyone or start talking to someone who lives close to where i live now. It's just so difficult.

Why don't you do some research on busy or semi-busy cities with lots of trendy clubs and restaurants? Plan a trip a few times a year to see if the place's vibe feels good to you? Change is scary, but isn't staying stuck where nothing is panning out worse? Bigger pool, higher odds of success. I wasn't good at math but even I can see the sense in that.

[LaHermes]

11 hours ago, Dgronuru said:

It's just so rare for me to actually feel a connection with someone,

Why do you think that is D?

I agree with Andrina's advice above.  Start meeting people outside your current radius. And I don't mean fictional people on a computer screen. 

[Dgronuru]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Why don't you do some research on busy or semi-busy cities with lots of trendy clubs and restaurants? Plan a trip a few times a year to see if the place's vibe feels good to you? Change is scary, but isn't staying stuck where nothing is panning out worse? Bigger pool, higher odds of success. I wasn't good at math but even I can see the sense in that.

No you're right, one issue im having is that i'm very much in to down to earth people, outdoorsy, nature, in the bigger cities it just seems like it's a lot more like... clubs and social media obsessed people and i dont know if there's really the type of girls im looking for there

[Dgronuru]

Just now, LaHermes said:

Why do you think that is D?

I agree with Andrina's advice above.  Start meeting people outside your current radius. And I don't mean fictional people on a computer screen. 

I'm not very good socially, its difficult for me to open up to someone, which is a reason this has me feeling so much ***, cause i actually opened up for once, just to get stabbed in the gut.

[LaHermes]

4 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

I'm not very good socially,

Again, I ask why you think this is?  You know you can get help, and help yourself, in addressing what problem, or perceived problem, you might have. 

Out in the world we can all get "stabbed" now and than. That's life. 

So, nothing ventured, nothing gained.  And, fortune always favours the brave!

 

[Dgronuru]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

Again, I ask why you think this is?  You know you can get help, and help yourself, in addressing what problem, or perceived problem, you might have. 

Our in the world we can all get "stabbed" now and than. That's life. 

So, nothing ventured, nothing gained.  And, fortune always favours the brave!

 

Well, i'm kind of introverted and i find it difficult to talk to people i dont know very well, it always seems like they get bored talking to me and i cant find something for us to talk about. 

 

I'm not scared to put myself out there, i just dont know what to do. Dating apps etc has not worked well for me, i do get matches and such but its extremely rare that it's actually anyone interesting or anyone who's interested back.