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Girl lied about her ex being a friend


Dgronuru
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A while back i started talking to a girl online, we hit it off and talked daily, pretty much all the time in constant contact.

I knew she had male friends, she'd been very open about it. She's been very adamant how important honesty is and how exes are in the past and how she wouldnt like it if i was still in contact with any of them.

So last week, i came to visit her, she lives about 2 hours away. We had fun, but one thing i noticed was this one guy who she calls her best friend, wrote her ALL THE TIME and she kept responding and even when we were out doing stuff she'd take pics of things(never including me) and send to him and show him. He'd even call her, DAILY.

They seem VERY close and i just learned by doing some facebook stalking, they used to live together and he's her ex. I even overheard him when he called her saying "when we were dating". How do i approach this? I really like this girl but i really dont like this.

We're both in our early 30s.

She's also been saying things like she's not attracted to any of her male friends and has never slept with any of them. But this guy is obviously her ex and he is DEEPLY involved in her life, apparently even comes to visits and she likes it when he does. I have to confront her about it but i dont want her to know i've been facebook stalking.

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Posted (edited)

I've been in situations like this before, it's very annoying, I know exactly what you are feeling.

No matter what you gotta say what your healthy boundaries are in a committed relationship.

There is a 90% chance she will say you are being controlling and jealous, but that is just manipulation. You can always just ask her how she would feel if you are meeting up with the new young good looking girl from your work for drinks and texting her all the time. I'm certain she wouldn't like it.

Depending if she is loyal and has integrity, that is another topic. But if she is, then you should be fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by mical
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3 minutes ago, mical said:

You can always just ask her how she would feel if you are meeting up with the new young good looking girl from your work for drinks and texting her all the time. I'm certain she wouldn't like it.

Or.. you just mention that you are NOT involved with any of your ex's, so you are curious as to why she continues to have anything to do with him?

Respectful boundaries, expected.

I am guessing.. you two are newly involved? - Do you know when they split up?  If maybe she is not totally over him?

 

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Or.. you just mention that you are NOT involved with any of your ex's, so you are curious as to why she continues to have anything to do with him?

Respectful boundaries, expected.

I am guessing.. you two are newly involved? - Do you know when they split up?  If maybe she is not totally over him?

 

She's already asked me if i'm talking to any of my exes which i dont and said no to. I asked her the same thing and she said she didnt. She even went further and said people who still talk to their exes cant be trusted.

We are newly involved, im not sure exactly when they split up, about a year ago i think. She does let me read their texts and everything and she doesnt seem romantically interested. I don't know, it's hard to say. 

 

The thing is, she doesnt know i know he's an ex. Cause she's said he's not and now i've been facebook stalking because it seemed off.

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30 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

I knew she had male friends, she'd been very open about it. She's been very adamant how important honesty is and how exes are in the past and how she wouldnt like it if i was still in contact with any of them.

Red Flag #1 - genuinely honest people don't talk about honesty. They just are and simply live it so. Dishonest people however, talk about honesty and how honesty is really important to them as a manipulative tactic. Notice how she is in fact lying to you as we speak - telling you that ex's should be in the past, while clearly her ex is not in her past. Which leads to...

Red Flat #2 - double standards already set up. OK for her to do things that would be inappropriate and unacceptable if you did the same.

34 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

So last week, i came to visit her, she lives about 2 hours away. We had fun, but one thing i noticed was this one guy who she calls her best friend, wrote her ALL THE TIME and she kept responding and even when we were out doing stuff she'd take pics of things(never including me) and send to him and show him. He'd even call her, DAILY.

Red Flag #3 - she was flat out rude to you and your time with her  by continually chatting with another guy. This has nothing to do with being friends or friendship at all. She was disrespectful to your face. In your shoes, I'd have been gone half way through that date. Do not ever tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone, OP.

Red Flag #4 - actively hiding from her ex you, the fact that she is on a date while sending pics to him of what she is doing while disrespecting you to your face. This is toxic af.

37 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

She's also been saying things like she's not attracted to any of her male friends and has never slept with any of them. But this guy is obviously her ex and he is DEEPLY involved in her life, apparently even comes to visits and she likes it when he does. I have to confront her about it but i dont want her to know i've been facebook stalking.

Red Flags #5 - 50 - again, she is actively LYING to you after telling you how "honesty" matters to her so much. She is showing you in her actions that she is a liar. She is obviously not done with her ex by any stretch of imagination and is behaving in ways that are beyond toxic.

Dude, don't walk, RUN for the nearest exit. When someone shows you so much bs on your first meet - believe them, thank them for showing their true colors and RUUUUN. This is where you use your upper head to save yourself a whole lot of grief. Also, NO you don't confront her about it - you can't teach someone to have better character. She is already laying down the law and showing you exactly who she is - believe her and walk away instead of wading deeper into that dumpster fire.

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5 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

She's already asked me if i'm talking to any of my exes which i dont and said no to. I asked her the same thing and she said she didnt. She even went further and said people who still talk to their exes cant be trusted.

We are newly involved, im not sure exactly when they split up, about a year ago i think. She does let me read their texts

Interesting, she asked you if you talk to any of yours.. odd Q? 😕 

So, she had lied, already.

But, why is she letting YOU see her stuff?  Someone 'newly involved', should not be doing that!

Heck, I dated guys long term & still never went into their phone.

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50 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

I even overheard him when he called her saying "when we were dating".

Question out of curiosity, but how did you overhear him on the phone? Was he on speakerphone?

It sounds like she's paranoid about you talking to exes because she's projecting. Hers is evidently still a big part of her life. People who operate on a double-standard are generally best avoided. 

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Question out of curiosity, but how did you overhear him on the phone? Was he on speakerphone?

It sounds like she's paranoid about you talking to exes because she's projecting. Hers is evidently still a big part of her life. People who operate on a double-standard are generally best avoided. 

I was there visiting for a few days. She lives in a small apartment and she had high volume on her phone.

I can see acceptable reasons for him still being in her life because she needs help with certain things that he helps her with, they also live far away from each other. But it's the part about her lying about it and seemingly being overly close with him that gets me.

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Posted (edited)

Oh sorry I thought you were in a committed relationship.

As mentioned above it could be red flag if she is always talking about honesty. Actually, the last relationship I was in the girl was VERY deceptive and the very first day I met her she was bringing up how she hates all lies and only tells the truth.

Anyway, if you are not in a committed relationship and just dating I wouldn't say anything about it yet until she brings up being exclusive. When she brings up if you are talking with your ex, just say something like "What do you mean? Are you saying you want to be exclusive?" and go from there..

She probably just likes that guy like a male girlfriend and gets him to help move things etc..

 

Edited by mical
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Posted (edited)

It's the fact she has contradicted herself....it's not ok for you to talk to your exes, but it's ok for her to keep her ex as a friend. Ditch her. She's insecure.

Edited by smackie9
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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

You're not exclusive after one meet, so both of you can talk to and date whoever you wish.

Yes of course. We're not exclusive. However it rubs me the wrong way when someone lies about something like this.

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1 hour ago, Dgronuru said:

I have to confront her about it but i dont want her to know i've been facebook stalking.

No, you don't. You just end things. Because why on earth would you want to continue on with someone who is a liar and who spends the entire time with you pouring emotional time and energy into another man? Doesn't matter if they are being intimate or not at the moment. What can you possibly find satisfying with their over involvement with one another? 

Don't you think there's a reason she's dating long distance? Any guy with healthy self worth who is local won't give her the time of day when she's doing this.

Your self esteem needs work to want to continue on with her.

My suggestion is to date locally so you can suss people out far sooner than LDRs. Also, a normal pace of dating is better for the success of a relationship. Going from never seeing a person to an entire weekend or longer with them is an abnormal pace that usually spells disaster.

 

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I'm sorry but no @mical, when someone shows you major character issues and toxic disrespectful behaviors, you do not keep investing and dating that person and then hope to school them and flip the script on them to dictate your terms when you or they want exclusivity. They are NOT going to magically change their character so don't play those games.

When you see toxic, you simply thank them quietly and walk away. Never be so dang desperate for a date, that you put up with lies and bs. There so many women in the world who won't act like that and I don't really care what you think you have in common. Nothing you have in common trumps toxic behaviors.

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This is not appropriate. There are too many issues and red flags. Don't stalk her. It's demeaning to her and yourself and tells you a lot about how comfortable you are dating her.

She also lives two hours' drive away. Are you the one making all the trips to see her? It sounds very one-sided. 

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So, to update a little bit.

Originally i spent 4 days at hers and we were saying we're dating exclusively. During my time there she constantly kept messaging with her male "friend" and he called her a few times. 

Anyway, while i was there it all started out very good, but each day she just got sadder/angrier with me for the tiniest things, like i didnt hang the towel back on the right hook.

After i left she's barely been speaking to me, i asked her what that's about and also asked her why she didnt tell mer her friend was her ex. Refuses to admit he's an ex and apparently i'm a psycho. 

And now she blocked me, guess i dodged a bullet.

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2 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

Originally i spent 4 days at hers and we were saying we're dating exclusively. During my time there she constantly kept messaging with her male "friend" and he called her a few times. 

Anyway, while i was there it all started out very good, but each day she just got sadder/angrier with me for the tiniest things, like i didnt hang the towel back on the right hook.

Like I said before, LDRs have you spending too much time together too soon. Four days together was sort of like having company you briefly enjoy on the first day but they begin smelling like rotting fish beyond that.

You would've gotten the info you needed about her and her constantly messaging another guy far sooner with local dating and wouldn't have wasted so much time "bonding" with a poor dating choice.

Again, I highly recommend local dating.

 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes you did. This has 'crazy ' all over it.

Yeah. Man i'm starting to lose faith in dating. This girl seemed so sweet and great at first.

Just seems impossible to meet someone normal and honest.

1 minute ago, Andrina said:

Like I said before, LDRs have you spending too much time together too soon. Four days together was sort of like having company you briefly enjoy on the first day but they begin smelling like rotting fish beyond that.

You would've gotten the info you needed about her and her constantly messaging another guy far sooner with local dating and wouldn't have wasted so much time "bonding" with a poor dating choice.

Again, I highly recommend local dating.

 

Yeah you're right. The problem with local dating is that i live in a very small place so the "pool" isnt that big.

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6 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

Yeah you're right. The problem with local dating is that i live in a very small place so the "pool" isnt that big.

Then keep the pace of what a local relationship would be anyway. Even though you're traveling longer distances, 2 hours away, each could drive an hour and meet halfway and only spend a few hours together the first few times. For the first home meet, stay only 4 to 6 hours and go home. A four day visit should be reserved for people who have already built up to this, say after 4 to 5 months. And make sure you meet within two weeks of communication instead of the fantasy of a lengthy cyber relationship that goes on too long without the all-important reality of meeting in person to establish if there's chemistry, etc.

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Well, the thing is that I think this wasn't going to work from the start. The problem is that because you weren't exactly dating and you met each other in real life only once, you actually had no claims to ask her to stop talking to her ex. You would have only been able to ask her to stop talking to her ex if you'd been dating for quite a while and if you did become exclusive. So if this girl wants to talk to her ex, really the only choice you had on your end was not to date her. 

She's also extremely rude and boorish and has no idea how to behave around a guy she supposedly likes. Even if she does talk to her ex, she'd have to be an idiot to wave it in the face of the guy she's seeing who is actually at her place and who can clearly see everything she's doing. A smart person would in the very least talk to their ex only in secret. If she's meant to be on dates with you then how can she be constantly sending pictures to her ex and talking to her ex.

Even if she was doing that towards just a female platonic friend, it's still really rude towards you. When I'm on dates, I don't take out my phone and message or call other people. Even if it's just a friend or my Mum or something, it's rude to be doing that to your date. I think this girl doesn't sound good at all. She sounds very emotionally unstable and now you can see that. I think you only thought she was nice and sweet because you only spoke to her online and you didn't actually really know her yet.

 

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35 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well, the thing is that I think this wasn't going to work from the start. The problem is that because you weren't exactly dating and you met each other in real life only once, you actually had no claims to ask her to stop talking to her ex. You would have only been able to ask her to stop talking to her ex if you'd been dating for quite a while and if you did become exclusive. So if this girl wants to talk to her ex, really the only choice you had on your end was not to date her. 

She's also extremely rude and boorish and has no idea how to behave around a guy she supposedly likes. Even if she does talk to her ex, she'd have to be an idiot to wave it in the face of the guy she's seeing who is actually at her place and who can clearly see everything she's doing. A smart person would in the very least talk to their ex only in secret. If she's meant to be on dates with you then how can she be constantly sending pictures to her ex and talking to her ex.

Even if she was doing that towards just a female platonic friend, it's still really rude towards you. When I'm on dates, I don't take out my phone and message or call other people. Even if it's just a friend or my Mum or something, it's rude to be doing that to your date. I think this girl doesn't sound good at all. She sounds very emotionally unstable and now you can see that. I think you only thought she was nice and sweet because you only spoke to her online and you didn't actually really know her yet.

 

You're absolutely right. During the days i was there she said i never showed any interest in the stuff she found interesting and mentioned a few things we looked at while we were out, funnily enough it was the things where she took out her phone, took a photo of it and sent to this guy. At that point i thought it was just a friend, but it still kinda killed any conversation about it.

She'd get very mad at me often while i was there, for seemingly no real reason at all and i tried to be nice about it and apologized whenever she took something the wrong way or thought i did something wrong. Thing is one minute she'd be super nice and sweet, next minute she's very mad. One day we went to a supermarket, we were looking around for something, i looked towards a shelf in the distance and just so happens a girl was standing there too. She got very mad at me for "checking other girls out" when i was only looking for some beef jerky.

 

It was like walking in a mine field, no matter how sweet and nice i was, there was always a mine to step on that would get her riled up.

 

This has totally shattered me, i finally had some hope there's someone for me out there and now it's dead again. Kinda feel like just jumping from the balcony and ending it.(dont worry, i'm not going to)

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18 minutes ago, Dgronuru said:

You're absolutely right. During the days i was there she said i never showed any interest in the stuff she found interesting and mentioned a few things we looked at while we were out, funnily enough it was the things where she took out her phone, took a photo of it and sent to this guy. At that point i thought it was just a friend, but it still kinda killed any conversation about it.

She'd get very mad at me often while i was there, for seemingly no real reason at all and i tried to be nice about it and apologized whenever she took something the wrong way or thought i did something wrong. Thing is one minute she'd be super nice and sweet, next minute she's very mad. One day we went to a supermarket, we were looking around for something, i looked towards a shelf in the distance and just so happens a girl was standing there too. She got very mad at me for "checking other girls out" when i was only looking for some beef jerky.

 

It was like walking in a mine field, no matter how sweet and nice i was, there was always a mine to step on that would get her riled up.

 

This has totally shattered me, i finally had some hope there's someone for me out there and now it's dead again. Kinda feel like just jumping from the balcony and ending it.(dont worry, i'm not going to)

OK dude I think you are really not seeing the real picture here. This girl was NOT a nice sweet girl at all. She was really weird and emotionally unstable. You looked at some beef jerky and she got mad because she thought you're looking at another girl. Yet SHE was messaging and calling her ex the whole time. Only a nutcase would be acting like this! You're not seriously thinking of jumping out the window just because some girl you actually met only once, who turned out to be a NUTCASE, stopped talking to you. It sounds like you have very low self-esteem. You should be happy you found out she was unstable before you actually dated her more. Seriously, dating a blow up doll would probably be better than dating her lol You haven't lost or missed out on anything because there was actually nothing to lose! You had a lucky escape from an unstable person.

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9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

OK dude I think you are really not seeing the real picture here. This girl was NOT a nice sweet girl at all. She was really weird and emotionally unstable. You looked at some beef jerky and she got mad because she thought you're looking at another girl. Yet SHE was messaging and calling her ex the whole time. Only a nutcase would be acting like this! You're not seriously thinking of jumping out the window just because some girl you actually met only once, who turned out to be a NUTCASE, stopped talking to you. It sounds like you have very low self-esteem. You should be happy you found out she was unstable before you actually dated her more. Seriously, dating a blow up doll would probably be better than dating her lol You haven't lost or missed out on anything because there was actually nothing to lose! You had a lucky escape from an unstable person.

Nah i'm not jumping out of any window, i'm just sad, pissed off and generally in a really bad mood.

Yeah i totally agree with you, she is a nutcase. I just dont understand why it has to be so hard to find decent people.

I don't think i have low self-esteem, but then again i dont know the exact definition. I think i'm a good looking guy with a lot going for me and i'm probably overly confident about my abilities. I'm just desperately lonely in life in general.

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