Brought up past offenses and maybe ruined things

[Rusty60]

Hello all, I am trying to figure out how to proceed from a confrontation I initiated and sorely regret. (It's a long letter and tried three times to condense it, and just couldn't do it.) My father sent me an email about a "Topic" that touched a big nerve with me and I've already been so stressed out about this topic lately. Much of my stress comes from inappropriate things he said in the past about the Topic but I never had the nerve to speak out against them, so for years, even decades, I just bottled them up. His email seemed like it was picking a fight because that's what he's done in the past with similar topics, so I decided that now that I'm 41 and supposedly starting to feel self-confident and actually know something about the world, I would make up for being timid in the past.

After thinking about it for a couple of hours or so, I called him on the phone. I should have waited days because then my anger would have dissipated and I could have just deleted his email, and we could carry on with our normally pleasant relationship. But I've been so angry lately about the Topic that I guess I was looking for an opportunity to put someone in their place, and the things he said in the past justified it, in my mind at the time.

He said a couple of knee-jerk defensive things that were irritating but didn't get the better of me. My mother was also on the phone and after those first few things, my father stopped talking and my mother and I proceeded to have a mostly positive or at least friendly discussion about the Topic. I think we ended the call positively but my father didn't even say good-bye, and I don't blame him.

I feel that I really messed things up. I wanted to speak my mind about the Topic and let my father know that I found his comments and tirades over the years to be morally wrong and that I hadn't forgotten about them. I wanted to make him uncomfortable so that he would reflect on it all, and I approached it all wrong because I've been so frustrated lately. Worst of all, I did so without the facts: Maybe he has grown and changed over the years while I've lived far away. I also could only see part of the news article that he sent me because I did not have and did not want to acquire a subscription to the publication. (What I could see, though, was not promising.)

So the past can't be changed, I look naive to my father, I worry about my parents disagreeing on the Topic, I did not get my father to see the light, and my approach was decidedly mean. Has anyone been in this situation? How have you proceeded or how would you proceed from here?

[Seraphim]

It would depend on what the topic was as to whether I was willing to die on my hill for it. So it depends. 

[Lambert]

Well once the milk is spilt.  You can't do too much about it.  

try to remember you did have your reasons for what you did and said.  If you have felt a certain way etc for years at the hand of your father, maybe you did give him something to reflect on and think about.

It's never easy to argue with our parents. Do you think your Dad will respond or think about what you said?  Does it make sense to (after a letting the dust settle a bit) to tell him you didn't mean to be mean and your emotions got the better of you?  That you love and respect him but you have struggled with the past?  

Maybe you guys can talk it through more productively.  To gain some sort of consensus on what needs to happen next?  

[Rose Mosse]

Was the email addressed to you and/or written at length? Or was it a forward, for example? 

You can't change anyone but you can create boundaries. Firmly state what you believe in and leave it the way it is. You don't have to backtrack or worry about others think of you if you are certain of your own beliefs and your convictions. 

What your father thinks is his prerogative. Trying to change that is presumptuous too - just as he may be seeking to convert you in something with these emails or articles. You don't need to press so hard for change. 

What matters is that you keep living your life the way you intend to. Let the rest fall away as white noise. Those people who matter in your life and care deeply for you will want to be a part of it anyway. Give this time to blow over. 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Oh my, I've been down this road so many times before with my mother, siblings AND cousin.  "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" means people are who they are.  They won't change.  You have to accept their personality quirks and appalling characteristic traits.  It doesn't mean you have to like it but you have to accept how so many people are warts and all.  Also, you have every right to enforce healthy boundaries and permanently change your dynamics with people including your parents or father in particular.

You can't undo the past and how your previous conversation or email went down with your father.  What's done is done.  You can definitely learn from YOUR mistakes.  I understand you had your boiling point and I have, too.  I understand your fury, your last nerve and how you couldn't tolerate the way your father is and his past wrongs done unto you.  However, don't get angry.  Change your trajectory.

As yourself, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"  Remember, you can't change your father.  He will always irritate you and you have bad memories  of past exchanges with him.  Don't dredge up past subjects otherwise you'll live to regret it.  Another unnecessary fight will ensue and tomorrow you'll be miserable again.  You will always resent past conversations or emails with him. 

What you have to do is exercise self-control.  You are the one in charge and you can be in control.  You can't control your father or parents.  Don't bite the bait.  Learn to ignore and if you must engage, remain calm, intelligent, polite, well mannered, respectful and don't get involved in subjects which are uncomfortable and controversial.  If you sense that he's gaslighting you (Google "gaslighting"), learn to make your diplomatic exit from the conversation or email.  There is a way to handle yourself with class ~ even during challenging moments.

Also, make yourself less available.  Don't respond right away to voice mails, emails or texts.  Whenever you sense that verbal or written conversations will begin to stray off onto an uncomfortable tangent, politely end the dialogue whether verbal or written form.  There is a way to act gracious yet aloof, frosty and distant.  I do this all the time yet I'm super polite and well mannered whether in person or electronically.  There is a way to conduct yourself so you can give yourself peace of mind and have a peaceful relationship. 

Don't dredge up the past anymore.  I've done this with certain perpetrators in my life and all it does is cause another war and do you want that?  Peace is so much better.  Don't get emotionally charged with people because your emotions cloud your judgement.  Be more cold and calculating in order to survive and keep your sanity intact.  Unfortunately, with some people you have to be very shrewd otherwise they'll get the best of you every time.  Don't get hurt, be smart!

Give each other time and space.  Let everyone cool their jets and wait several days or a week or so. 

If you want instant damage control, apologize for your "inappropriate" outburst to your father and parents.  I know it doesn't make sense to grovel as I've done the same with my mother and siblings.  I know others may disagree with me but I've found that when you apologize even if this issue is against your principles, it does several things.  First, it calms your father down as well as both of your parents.  You can start anew with them even if your contact with them becomes increasingly infrequent and distant.  Remember, you don't have to be right in order to have peace with difficult people in your life.  I wouldn't go so far as to beg for mercy or forgiveness though.  I'd merely write or say, "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have said what I said."  Something short will suffice.  This is a psychological ploy.  You make the perpetrator "think" you are remorseful yet you're really not.  You're merely going through the motions in order to at least have peace albeit not optimal, idyllic peace.  Fake  humility is ok in order to attain your goal which is peace. 

Then once your "apology" is over and done with, you can proceed with being in control of a new, peaceful dynamic in YOUR favor.  You start with a clean slate and most of all, you start with YOUR new strategy.  You change the trajectory in your favor and you change how you behave with all means of communication.  You become so much smarter instead of feeling regretful and / or resentful.  I've gone this route with several people in my life and it has worked wonders.  I've never felt more in control in all my life and I must say it feels mighty liberating to be in the driver's seat from now on.  You steer the ship and not they.

I'm nice to people whom I don't like, I'm polite, keep them at arm's length, very respectful, I don't react to any ire, I exercise self-control, I'm unavailable the majority of time and contact and seeing one another is extremely infrequent.  I've never felt more free.  Always practice good diplomacy.  You don't have to love nor hate.  Be in between and right in the middle.  Be numb.  Don't get hurt.  Use your brain and do a reset.  Play your cards smarter. 

[Cherylyn]

I've noticed that when interacting with complicated personalities or disdainful characters, I practice the following:

All contact is very, very infrequent, limited and very brief.  If there's any discussion, I keep it generic such as the weather, superficial topics and always keep conversations whether written or verbal brief, light and polite.  Keep it there and never stray.  Then when the conversation feels uncomfortable for you, don't comment.  Politely exit the conversation both verbal or written in a very respectful, well mannered way.  Never complain, never explain.  Never get heated nor emotionally involved otherwise you'll say or write something regretful.  Never bite the bait!

The above is called enforcing healthy boundaries with others.  Over time, you'll learn how to become highly skilled at how you maneuver and strategize yourself even with people whom you're supposed to be close to such as family or anyone in society.  With many people, you have to treat them as if they're less than acquaintances in your life.  Always play it safe. 

I've tried everything all my life and ever since I changed the way I think and conduct myself, I have peace with friends, family, relatives, in-laws, neighbors and everyone.  There is peace galore.  We don't always like each other but we're not fighting either and there is zero discord. 

You don't have to be or feel close to certain people in order to have peace with them.  No one is gushing over each other in a sugary, syrupy way and no one is at a war with words either. 

Do what you have to do in order to attain peace even if you don't agree with your father, parents or anyone on the face of this planet.  Do whatever it takes to survive interactions, relationships and friendships. 

Hone your interpersonal skills. 

 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Rusty60 said:

Much of my stress comes from inappropriate things he said in the past about the Topic but I never had the nerve to speak out against them, so for years, even decades, I just bottled them up. His email seemed like it was picking a fight because that's what he's done in the past with similar topics, so I decided that now that I'm 41 and supposedly starting to feel self-confident and actually know something about the world, I would make up for being timid in the past.

After thinking about it for a couple of hours or so, I called him on the phone. I should have waited days because then my anger would have dissipated and I could have just deleted his email,

- I feel that it was just time... Time for YOU to bite the bullet.  And enough holding back.. So, you did.

 

4 hours ago, Rusty60 said:

I feel that I really messed things up. I wanted to speak my mind about the Topic and let my father know that I found his comments and tirades over the years to be morally wrong and that I hadn't forgotten about them. I wanted to make him uncomfortable so that he would reflect on it all, and I approached it all wrong because I've been so frustrated lately. Worst of all, I did so without the facts: Maybe he has grown and changed over the years while I've lived far away.

- Do you really think so?  That he would 'change' ?

 

4 hours ago, Rusty60 said:

He said a couple of knee-jerk defensive things that were irritating but didn't get the better of me

Good for you -- so has he changed?  Most likely no. 😞 

But, you are an adult now and have been for a while.. so, if your dad sets you off so much - then he should be called 'toxic' for you?

Which is not any good.  Why feel so set off by this family member?  I hope you had your say enough and just remain at bay with it all.. with him.

Those we do not fair well, we do try to avoid.. for our own mentality... Sorry this has been at you for so long.

Maybe now, with what you have done, you feel a little less stress?

[lostandhurt]

  "The Topic"???  Without context there is no way for us to know how serious this decades long rift is.

  No one knows who you are here so it is safe to speak freely.

As far as the mysterious "topic" goes.  Obviously your father hasn't changed his mind since he sent the email so is this a case of agreeing to disagree or is this as serious as abuse he is trying to convince you didn't happen?  Once again context is everything here.

Lost

[Cherylyn]

Be very careful.  With a lot of people, you have to walk on eggshells in order to keep the peace but you can enforce healthy boundaries at the same time.  Always communicate with self control and tact whether verbally or in written form.  This is the way of the world including friends, family, colleagues, members of your community, neighbors or anyone. 

Know what sets people off and always err on the side of caution. 

Some people are very temperamental and it's best to give them a wide berth.  Steer clear and if you must engage, keep it brief, superficial and infrequent.  Follow certain rules for yourself and you will play it safe. 

People will not change for you.  Be a good judge of character and know what you're working with.  You're the one who has to adjust and adapt.  This is how you dodge bullets.  Don't make yourself a vulnerable, easy target to anyone otherwise you're asking for trouble.  Never become anyone's verbal punching bag.  Navigate yourself wisely. 

[smackie9]

I agree with Cherylyn, don't take the bait. I have been down this road with my narcissistic mother. She pokes at me through emails of her discontent for me, how I don't care, blah blah....trying to pull me down that rabbit hole of her depression and negativity. She lures me by asking "to talk about how I feel" so I express my feelings, but they are immediately dismissed, by her diverting it to herself and the whoa as me stories of "I had it worse than you" blah blah blah. or you don't know what you are talking about. Then it turns into a big fight with me feeling sooooo soooo angry and full of hate. She's flippin wack. I got duped again a few months ago, and I kick myself for falling for it. It makes me sick thinking about it.

My point to my story is, all this time your father has been manipulating you. He likes pushing your buttons, and you fall for it every time. It's kinda of a sick form of having control.

I know you want peace, to have the last word, to be validated. Not going to happen. Your father will never take accountability ever. From now on, don't read the emails he sends, keep your communication short and only of necessity. Be done with this bullcrap.

 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Rusty60 said:

I'm 41 and while I've lived far away.

Ignore annoying news articles. People tend to send those especially if your parents are retired and bored. 

Whatever this "Topic" is, why belabor it after all this time?

If it's caused damage talking to a therapist would be more helpful than talking to those who caused  any damage. 

If it's childhood resentments, you can't redo, relive, undo or change the past.

If this "Topic" is something you ruminate about, that would be all the more reason to contact a qualified therapist to unpack and sort all this out.

[catfeeder]

Just as your father owns his position, it doesn't mean that having spoken your own makes you a villain.

You've known your father's position for years, and yet you still love him.

Now that your father knows your position, it's likely that same will be true for him.

At least your father now knows that he'd best not send you any more crap on the matter.

Whether he 'likes' that or not doesn't need to be an issue. Simply avoid the subject going forward, and if he tries to bait you with it, you can freely say, "Dad, you're aware that we don't agree on this issue, so let's talk about anything in the world but this."

Don't allow the child part of you to believe that parents approval equals survival--it does not.

Head high, and congrats for stepping up to own YOUR position for a change.